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Chapter 4

The Truth Can Set You Free

As time passed, Linda began to understand she was much better off being alone than being with someone who constantly criticized and made her feel so negatively about herself. Nevertheless, she could not get past the nagging feeling of missing Robert. Sex had been amazing with him and she had attributed that to the fact that they were meant for each other. Night after night, she sat alone in her bedroom trying to convince herself that she did not miss him and was not longing for his touch…but she did. Images of Robert touching his new partner kept flashing through her mind, giving her gut a mocking twist.

Throwing herself into caring for her daughter and her work, Linda managed to keep her mind busy during the day; as the months wore on she actually began to wake most mornings without feeling tearful and depressed. After work one day she accepted an invitation to go out for a drink with Carrie and a few other colleagues. And that decision changed her life forever.

Carrie had worked with Linda for years, though they had hardly spoken before that evening. But somehow as they sat together, Linda suddenly felt the other woman’s compassion and began to confide in Carrie about her relationship with Robert. Listening intently, Carrie seemed to take everything in. Then she said, “Linda, you just dodged a big ole’ bullet, girl. Robert sounds like a type A Narcissist.” Linda sat in amazement as Carrie rattled off common phrases used by Narcissists, and realized Robert had used many of those exact phrases with her.

Carrie described how she had actually been “narcissized” by two men and had even sought counseling to help with her recovery. Carrie told Linda to call her whenever Linda felt herself slipping from the resolve to distance herself from Robert. Carrie told Linda, “It’s hard to break that old attraction.” She was more than happy to share the sound advice with Linda.

After that night, Linda decided to delve more deeply into NPD and read everything she could get her hands on that involved narcissism and the disorder. The more she studied, the more similarities she saw in her experiences with Robert and the information she was digesting. “No Contact” was advised in every article or book she read concerning what to do after a break up with a Narcissist. She began to understand why it was so important to ignore Robert and keep him out of her life. She made up her mind to do just that.

Despite her new knowledge, Linda still found herself longing for Robert at times, just as Carrie had predicted. When she felt these emotional tugs, she called Carrie to get support. Carrie explained to her that she wasn’t longing for “Robert” but for the false “self ” Robert had tried to project. “You are actually mourning the loss of a mirage,” Carrie said. “It is hard for you to get over this because you are grieving the loss of someone who doesn’t really exist.” Carrie knew Linda felt intense emotions about the idea of Robert with another woman, so Carrie tried to give her an exercise that would ease her mind. Carrie said, “I want you to visualize your Narcissist sitting on the curb in front of your house. Moments later the rumble of a garbage truck is heard in the distance. Two men jump off the truck (go ahead and make them very attractive…after all, it is a fantasy) but before they can toss him in the back with the rest of the trash a woman happens by and “rescues” him from your curb. People go through other people’s trash all the time. They seem to think they can make good use out of something that someone else has thrown away. When you see someone taking a broken toaster or a worn out pair of sneakers from your trash can, you don’t chase her down, do you? Besides, most of the time they eventually realize it is useless, and it ends up on their own curb a little while later.”

Linda knew Carrie had a point…still she couldn’t seem to stop being bothered by the dissolution of what had once seemed a dream relationship and couldn’t help herself from missing Robert. She told Carrie only half joking she wished there could be a law that required people with personality disorders to wear some sort of identity label to prevent others from becoming involved with them. Carrie said, “Once you learn how to recognize the characteristics of people with NPD, that will be all the identification you need. Trust me, now I see them coming a mile away. When something is not useful to you in a positive way, or if it is harmful to you, THROW IT AWAY.”

People with a history of abusive relationships tend to remain in such situations because that is “what they know.” The bizarre cat and mouse games (the praise and devaluation process) played by the abuser and his victim are familiar and even comforting to the victim in some strange way. The unusual feelings associated with non-abusive relationships leave the victim feeling panicked and longing for the familiarity associated with his/her usual (abusive) relationships. This type of behavior is referred to as “Stockholm Syndrome,” after a 1973 kidnapping incident that occurred in Stockholm, Sweden. In that incident, after being kidnapped and subjected to brainwashing for a period of time, the victims resisted rescue attempts and even when rescued, they refused to testify against their captors. Stockholm Syndrome occurs when captives begin to identify with their captors, initially as a defense mechanism, and view any act of kindness, however small, in a magnified way. The syndrome has been observed in battered spouses, abused children and prisoners of war. Whether this was the reason Linda continued to long for Robert, or not, she now realized it was not healthy to miss someone who had treated her so badly and she was determined to initiate new behavior patterns and to learn more about the destructive ones she had experienced.

Continuing her studies, Linda learned there are actually two types of Narcissists, the “Cerebral Narcissist” and the “Somatic Narcissist.” She decided that Robert was a Somatic Narcissist. Somatic Narcissists use their bodies to obtain their narcissistic supply. They often work out and stay in great physical shape. They enjoy getting attention for their bodies and since they are incapable of feeling love, they use their partner’s bodies as tools for masturbation rather than “lovemaking.” To his partner, sex with the Narcissist is a beautiful lovemaking experience. But to the N, it is just another way of satisfying himself.

The N considers his partners to be extensions of himself…a way to “act out” a fantasy. Partners are interchangeable and easily discarded. Somatic Narcissists brag about their sexual conquests, expect praise for their muscular bodies, are often health nuts and some are even hypochondriacs. They rely on their looks or strength to obtain supply and learn how to please a woman by gathering experience from their many sources of supply. This is the reason sex with a Somatic Narcissist may be incredible compared to sex with a less experienced partner.

Linda thought of all the partners Robert had admitted having during his college days and beyond. She hadn’t thought much of his revelations when he first told her; after all, many men are somewhat promiscuous in their single days. Looking back, however, Linda realized that Robert seemed to have had many sex partners, whom he criticized by talking many times of their shortcomings.

Thinking back, Robert’s passion for weightlifting seemed more like an obsession. The way he refused to eat certain foods, even when her friends had made them special dinners, this obsession with eating properly seemed like something other than a healthy eating habit. She remembered how he would stare at himself in the mirror admiringly seemingly unable to look away when he stepped out of the shower. At the time she saw that as confidence, but now studying NPD, she noticed this to be a character trait for a Somatic Narcissist. She felt proud of him for wanting to be photographed by a professional photographer while doing muscle poses… now she just felt sick. Her earlier image of Robert’s confidence now seemed traceable to a characteristic of a personality disorder to her. She was learning to view him in a completely different light.

Cerebral Narcissists use their intellect to impress others and gain supply. They are not often interested in sex and will withhold it to punish their partners. Linda learned that all Narcissists have cerebral and somatic qualities, but tend to lean toward one type more than the other.

Pieces of the puzzle slowly began to fall into place. Linda felt a sting of pain for Robert because from what she had learned, there was no real cure for the disorder. After learning more about the disorder, and remembering that Robert had confessed to such a strained relationship with his mother, Linda wanted to go to him and hold him. She wanted to tell him, “I know what is wrong with you. I am here to help you. I will make it better,” but she realized that she had ALWAYS done that. She always tried to “fix” things and make them better. And Robert’s real problem was something she could not fix.

As Linda’s friendship with Carrie strengthened and her studies continued, so did Linda’s knowledge of NPD. Linda no longer cringed every time she heard her cell phone ringing. She didn’t expect to hear from Robert, nor did she associate ringing phones or new emails with him. Slowly, she was feeling stronger; not healed, but stronger. Several months passed since she had seen Robert and he did not try to contact her. She had learned the term “N-dipping” from Carrie and understood it to be when victims of Narcissists couldn’t forget them and tried to find out what was happening to their ex-loves by checking their dating profiles on the internet or driving past their houses to see if they were home. N-dipping fell into the category of “contact” and was considered a major mistake. Linda learned to refrain from it.

Then one day when she was checking her email, Linda noticed a new message with the subject “Long time no see.” She didn’t recognize the address and had blocked Robert’s email as Carrie had suggested, so she knew it couldn’t be from him. She was wrong. He created another email address in order to send her the message. He wasn’t begging her back this time, only telling her he was thinking of her because he knew her birthday was coming up and wanted her to know he remembered. Linda was livid. Her heart was pounding as she quickly dialed Carrie’s cell phone. “After all these months how could he still have this kind of affect on me? How rude of him to just casually send me an email!”

Carrie helped Linda calm down and explained to her that Robert was more than likely beginning to grow bored with his NS and was probably hoping Linda would step back in until he found “better” supply. He hadn’t begged her back this time, because he knew she would be less likely to accept him since he discarded her twice. He was “testing the waters.” Due to Linda’s new knowledge about NPD, it made complete sense to her and she began to feel angry. She told Carrie she intended to tell Robert she knew exactly what his problem was and that she was no longer going to serve as narcissistic supply for him. “By doing that,” Carrie explained, “you will be giving him the very supply you wish to deny him.” Linda knew this was an apt diagnosis from what she had studied, but she felt helpless. Robert would interpret the anger, the lecture or even the declarations of refusal as narcissistic supply.

Feelings of helpless frustration stayed with Linda throughout the day and by the time she left work she felt emotionally drained.

When she arrived home, her ex-husband was already there to take their daughter for the weekend, but her daughter hadn’t arrived home from school, yet. Linda felt more tension building inside her, in her ex-husband’s presence. He seemed annoyed and angry that the school bus was late and made sarcastic comments to Linda.

After he finally left, daughter in tow, Linda had a quick meltdown sitting with her head in her arms at her kitchen table. As she reflected, she flashed back to her relationship with her ex-husband. Did her ex-husband have narcissistic tendencies? How had she never noticed those characteristics before? Was the pacifying she had done in that relationship why she had been able to stay with Robert so long? Had she learned how to survive with an N by living twelve years with one?

Linda felt as if she had hit an all time low. When she stared at herself in the mirror she felt a pathetic person was staring back. Linda had not yet processed that through knowledge and behavior she was changing and would change more and for the better. In order to make these changes however, Linda needed to learn exactly what had gone wrong so she could grow stronger and create a better relationship in the future.

Does Linda’s situation ring familiar? Have you noticed that you seem less confident and at peace with yourself than you did when you first met your N? Do you see how his constant devaluation could have lowered your self-esteem? Do you feel you are gaining insight into your own personality at this point?

Be confident. All of these painful revelations are working together to mold you into a better, stronger, wiser you. Pressure is always necessary when creating something positive. A lump of coal must endure pressure in order to become a diamond. Muscles have to rip before muscle growth is obtained. You have probably heard the saying, “No pain no gain.” That truism can be applied to the epiphanies experienced by an awakening NPD victim. We promise you, the emotional roller coaster ride you are experiencing taking you from revelation to anger and disgust will end at a peaceful place if you follow the tracks.