Читать книгу Narcissistic Lovers - Cynthia Zayn - Страница 9

Chapter 3

A Familiar Story

Did any of the incidents or interchanges from Linda and Robert’s story seem familiar to you? Have you experienced overwhelming acceptance and praise at the onset of a relationship, only to have it chipped away by insults, digs or comparisons? Have there been times you felt as if you were in competition with your partner’s past loves or even your partner himself? Did he ever brag about himself or word things in such ways that you felt the desire to compliment or praise him?

Did you wonder at the end of your relationship how your partner could move so quickly into another one? All of these things would be out of the ordinary and bizarre if they occurred within a healthy relationship. With a Narcissist, however, all of these things are “normal.”

N’s don’t “have” relationships with people; they are not capable. Instead, they have “interactions” with people. N’s are like scriptwriters. They are constantly spinning tales and creating narratives for themselves. They tend to write characters in and out of their scenes as they see fit.

Also, N’s don’t feel love the way “normal” people do. What passes for love with an N is actually “narcissistic supply.” Narcissistic supply is any feeling that validates the N. He must feel as if he exists. He must feel as if he is so important and that everyone around him is affected by his very presence in some way. If he can cause someone to feel anger, hate, happiness, sadness or any type of emotion, he experiences feelings of control and gets a rush. That “rush” is the N’s “love.”

If your partner doesn’t possess at least five of the criteria for NPD listed earlier, chances are you are not dealing with an N. Narcissistic Personality Disorder can easily be misdiagnosed. Some cultures condition males to treat females in ways that Western Society might view “narcissistically.” Therefore, cultural factors need to be taken into consideration before assuming the worst. Regardless of intention, if you feel victimized you have a right to demand respect. Besides, learned behaviors such as “machismo” are often part of particular cultures’ expectations for males and can be unlearned.

Based on the information you have been learning about NPD, if you believe you have been “narcissized,” you may be experiencing the humiliation of having been “played.” Don’t. First of all, being “narcissized” is completely different from being “played.” The difference deals with “intent.” The difference between a player and an N is that the N really does believe he has found the perfect mate or “ideal love” at the onset of each new relationship. N’s are often compared to alcoholics or drug abusers (as a matter-of-fact, it is said that not all N’s are alcoholics, but all alcoholics are N’s). To an N, his new partner is like a new drug. The possibility that this is “the one” or that he has finally found “ideal love” is what gives him such a high from his new supply (NS).

As we stated earlier, knowledge really is power. By arming yourself with this new information, you can avoid similar pain in the future. We promise! Your Nar-dar is going to be so strong that by the time you finish this book you will practically be able to spot an N a mile away!

Don’t Hate the “Player,” Hate the Game

Has your mind been reeling with possibilities? I bet it has. By now you have probably diagnosed twenty acquaintances and relatives with NPD! That is natural, as you first become aware of this condition. Movie stars and politicians usually head up the list of possible N’s at the onset of NPD discovery. Don’t worry. You aren’t being paranoid. You won’t always see narcissistic traits in everyone, but many people can have a few of these traits without being a full blown narcissist. Knowledge is just fresh for you right now. You will become more discerning as you learn more and understand more about what exactly to look for.

As we discussed earlier, the N’s partner to him or her is like an object, a shiny new car or tool. Just as a new car eventually loses its “newness” and that initial appeal, so does the NS. Oftentimes, before the relationship has officially ended, N’s are already lining up new supply. They have such a subconscious fear of abandonment, due to the origin of their disorder, that they cannot be alone. Narcissists will make sure they have NS before they totally leave the old supply (OS).

More than likely, in the case of Linda and Robert, Robert had secured some NS on the internet through dating sites before breaking things off with Linda. He needed to make sure he had some NS waiting for him before he actually left Linda, because N’s cannot be alone. They need their supply and often keep information about finding new and different types close at hand. Once Robert started dating his NS and she didn’t prove to be the kind of supply he needed (perhaps she didn’t praise him enough or didn’t see him in the way he had tried to project…or needed some attention for herself ), he evidently left her and tried to return to Linda. To an N, old supply is better than no supply at all. Once an N has devalued his supply, she is practically worthless to him. If she allows him back after he has devalued and discarded, he loses any respect he may have ever had for her. But when he is in-between supply, an N will often find himself going back to his old stomping grounds, just as a drug addict or alcoholic will choose a weaker form of what he/she is craving when what he/she usually takes is not available.

Some alcoholics will even drink vanilla extract just to get a taste of alcohol when there aren’t any alcoholic beverages in the house. They will feel ashamed that they had to resort to that substance, but will take what they can get until something “better” comes along. For an N, his NS isn’t necessarily a “better” partner. She isn’t necessarily better educated or more attractive, she is just “new.” The “newness” is what makes her special to him. When an N is in-between supply, he becomes desperate, just as an addict does, and will do or say anything to get his “fix.”

At that point, he goes crawling back to his OS. Robert begged Linda to take him back after he realized his NS wasn’t giving him what he needed, but to Robert, Linda was like vanilla extract is to an alcoholic. He was ashamed that he had to resort to her. He knew eventually he would have some NS lined up and would be able to make his exit, but until that time came he would take what he could get from her.

When Linda took Robert back, it reinforced his belief that he was special. Unfortunately, it made Linda seem desperate and insecure in his eyes. N’s are attracted to strength and independence, the very opposite traits of their “true” selves. Even when the N is the one who influenced his partner’s weakness or insecurity, he only sees her newly developed negative traits, not their origin, and is disgusted by them. Robert could-n’t stay too long with Linda upon his return because he saw her as a desperate woman who had no self respect when she took him back. The N’s shiny new car or toy had a defect, it had lost its “newness,” perhaps it was even “wrecked,” it had depreciated in his mind and he was hungry for a new toy. He needed a new “object” to “love”… a new “drug.”

Linda, believing Robert had seen the error of his ways, prided herself on being a compassionate person who had enough love in her heart to forgive the man with whom she was meant to be and give him another chance to right his wrongs. She didn’t feel as if she were lowering her self-esteem by taking him back, because he had been the one to beg for a second chance. She had felt sympathetic toward him and wanted to make him feel better. She knew he felt terrible about leaving her and that he had learned his lesson by getting together with the “wrong woman,” so she was willing to work things out and was able to continue cultivating a stronger relationship.

In well functioning relationships, when couples make mistakes and forgive each other, it makes their relationship stronger. But it is impossible to forgive and move on in a “relationship” with an N. The N views the relationship as being tainted and feels he needs to continue his quest for “ideal love” once a mistake has been made (even if it is the N’s infidelity). Once the toy is broken, it is tossed aside like the useless object it has become and the N begins his search for something new…a useful object.

At this point, you may be feeling pity for your N as you realize she is at the mercy of her disorder. Compassion is evidently one of your positive traits or you wouldn’t have ended up with an N in the first place. Compassion is a noble trait; it sets you apart from the N whose emotions are merely self-centered reactions. However, it is important that you do not allow yourself to be led by your emotions. Once you arm yourself with knowledge, you can choose not to be manipulated and disrespected. There is such a peace in that type of security. There is more you need to know about the emotions of an N so that you will be better equipped to handle those frustrating and confusing situations. For now, you may want to reflect upon the “object” type love of an N and her ongoing journey to find completion. Don’t be discouraged. You can and will gain the knowledge to choose a partner and find the right relationship, the one for which you yearn and deserve.

Supply by Any Other Name…

While pondering the “object” type love the N chooses, you will come to understand one reason the N seems to move seamlessly from one relationship to another. We all tire of our material possessions and upgrade them from time to time. When we replace worn out objects like cell phones that no longer work, we don’t grieve for the ones we discarded.

N’s are said to have the emotional maturity of a five-year-old child. That is why the “toy” analogy seems to work so well when explaining their attitude toward their partners. When Linda allowed Robert to continuously cut her down and compare her to his past lovers, he lost respect for her. If she complained about the comparisons or got upset, he considered her insecure or weak and still lost respect for her. No matter how she reacted to his “game,” she was set up to be devalued in Robert’s eyes, because that was the only way he knew how to play.

N’s assume that everyone thinks the same way they do about things. They are incapable of experiencing empathy or any of the emotions associated with relating to the feelings of others. The only feelings they are known to experience are ones involving their own narcissistic injury. They can experience anger, disgust, humiliation or embarrassment. They are able to feel shame and disappointment. They even feel a rush when things go their way, when they feel in control or gain supply. But they do not know what it is to feel love in the way normal people do, and they cannot feel empathy with others. They usually learn how to react by watching others and they write those reactions into the scripts they act out on a daily basis. They can mimic sorrow or sympathy, but those who understand the disorder know that those emotions are not sincere when expressed by N’s.

Chances are when Robert was with his NS, he told her what a horrible partner Linda had been. While he was whispering what a perfect fit the new woman was or how he had finally found the girl of his dreams, he didn’t mention to her that he had once told Linda the exact same things. Linda was surely painted as a clingy, insecure ogre, someone who wouldn’t let him go (N’s often like to make it appear as if their past lovers cannot get enough of them and won’t leave them alone. We are almost convinced that when the ex-partner continues to contact the N in order to gain some sort of closure to the confusing madness she experienced with him, that the N actually views it as stalking) and no doubt the NS felt pity for Robert for having dated such a “freak.”

What should Linda do if Robert comes back for round three? Having read this book most will say Linda will under no circumstance take him back. When we see the relationship from another person’s perspective, it is easy to realize how a reunion with such a person would be a mistake. We may find it impossible to believe that someone would be willing to continue a relationship with a partner who constantly devalues her. But there are women and men who take their partners back even after being devalued and discarded several times. Many things factor into their reasons for this. Some of these people are codependents who seem to be at the mercy of their own disorder. Others are addicted to their partners and need them under any circumstance. Sometimes victims are momentarily blinded by the fog of deceit created by the N’s and need only to have the air cleaner to see more distinctly. In this book we hope to teach you how to discern the truth about your own vulnerability and how you’ve been affected by your narcissistic lover.