Читать книгу Narcissistic Lovers - Cynthia Zayn - Страница 7

Chapter 1

Are You Involved With a Narcissist?

Hello Friend,

Still feeling confused about that crazy relationship? Are things still not adding up? Let me see if I have it straight. You say things appeared to be great when you first met him or her, almost “too good to be true,” right? It was uncanny how much you and your partner seemed to have in common. As a matter-of-fact, you felt you never had as much in common with any other person. Am I right?

In the beginning, he or she made you feel so appreciated. That special person complimented you by saying things like, “You are the perfect fit,” “I have never had a relationship this special,” “I cannot believe how much we share” and “You are the best at...” One reason these statements made you feel so significant was that your new interest told you stories of his or her previous partner who had been negative and demeaning. You were probably feeling sorry for your partner who had such an unhealthy relationship prior to you.

Not too long into the relationship, however, I’m sure your lover began to make you feel insecure. Oh…you probably didn’t quite notice it at first. Perhaps there were subtle put-downs or comparisons where you weren’t the one coming out on top anymore. Let me guess, some of the very things he or she used to praise you for became the things he used against you. This was confusing to you. How could you be the perfect fit, the best relationship he had ever had, his idea of a fairy tale romance, yet end up being the target of so many negative comments?

Did you ever start to wonder if you were going crazy? Did things in your relationship sometimes make absolutely no sense whatsoever? Did your partner deny saying things that you knew for a fact he/she had said? Did he/she ever accuse you of being the one telling the lie or misconstruing his/her words? If you answered “yes” to a few of these questions, it is very possible you were dating, or are still dating, a narcissist (an “N”).

In this book, we will use the letter “N” to indicate the Narcissist. Sometimes, we will use the male and sometimes the female pronoun to indicate the Narcissist. Narcissists can be of either gender. Although the latest DSM study shows there to be a shift to a greater percentage of females affected by NPD, seventy-five percent of narcissists are men.

Sigmund Freud was one of the first mental health professionals to describe narcissism in pathological terms. But only in 1980 did the Diagnostic and Statistics Manual (DSM), the standard classification of mental health professionals in the United States, recognize it as a mental health category. The DSM gives diagnostic criteria and the symptoms, which have to be present so that an accurate diagnosis can be made. Over time, the psychiatric community saw Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as a disorder that could be treated but not cured. According to recent studies, the causes of NPD are not known. However, it is believed to have its origins in the early childhood years and to have been influenced by parents, peers or caregivers of those afflicted. During a particular stage of personality development, either too much or not enough attention is given to a child who then learns to “love himself ” or “depend only on himself ” as a means of self-preservation.

Sometimes the N shares stories about his childhood or reveals specific details about his mother, which demonstrate a possible strained mother/son relationship. Do you remember your partner referring to anything out of the ordinary in regards to his/her relationship with a partner? Did he seem extremely close to his mother, or did she get on his last nerve? Either way, she could be an important piece of the puzzle you have been trying to put together.

Psychologists believe that the N spends her life trying to re-live whatever went wrong at a particular time in her personality development. She finds more and more people with whom to reenact her life and each time she truly believes “This time I will get it right.” So at the onset of your relationship, she really did believe you were the perfect fit, the best relationship, or her ideal love. She believed those things because she wanted to believe them, she needed to believe them. Because the N feels unloved and insecure, she spends her life trying to find “ideal love.” She believes in a perfect love that will end her search and stop her pain. She goes from relationship to relationship, sometimes without pause for recovery. This is baffling to those she leaves behind. How can she just move along like that…especially after things seemed so intense?

Is any of this “ringing a bell?” Have you wondered how your partner could just move on without blinking an eye? Have you wondered how strange it was that he/she replaced you so quickly? Or has it not reached that stage yet?

If you have experienced this part already you must be feeling heart-broken and confused. You thought you two were doing okay. Sure, there were some lows, all relationships have them, but you were willing to work them out and make things right. You thought the relationship was worth fighting for. You had way too much in common with him and at first he made you feel too special to just throw it all away. How could he tell you that you were so wonderful and then just walk away and never look back? And what about those in-between times when he said cruel things? Did you make excuses for him? You did, didn’t you? You thought he wouldn’t have said those things if he hadn’t been under so much strain at the time, or maybe you felt as if you had provoked him into saying them.

Oh my friend, you have been completely “narcissised” and you don’t even know it! Don’t worry. Many people have suffered at the hands of an N and not all victims have been women. The best way to heal from this type of abuse is to become educated about the disorder. After all, knowledge is power. There are websites devoted to NPD and Internet discussion forums for victims of narcissistic abuse. Books and articles have been written about different types of Narcissists and treatments for the disorder. Most psychologists and therapists, however, tend to agree that there is no cure for NPD.

Many who study NPD believe that during an important stage of personality development for the N, a significant individual in his life needed him to be something other than what he was. The N then felt as if he had to be different in order to be loved or accepted by that individual. This is known as “narcissistic injury” and it devastates the emerging “self ” of the N. Unable to be the person she truly is and still gain acceptance, the N adapts by splitting her personality into a real and a false self. The N learns to hide the “real” self because it’s seen in a negative way. She tries to compensate for her “shortcomings” by creating a “special” self—a person who will be loved and admired by all. This explains why she seems to have so much in common with so many people and how she is able to voluntarily morph into different individuals.

The N becomes what the environment “needs” him to be. He also makes those around him into what he needs them to be. I know this seems bizarre, but think about it, it makes sense. We become mere objects to the N. He never fully experienced love the way an emotionally healthy person does and therefore merges himself with his “objects”…us. This explains why the N is unable to distinguish personal boundaries. All of the times he seemed to make himself at home, with your things or in your space, he wasn’t actually feeling close to you. Instead, he was claiming it as his own, just as a toddler claims another toddler’s toys by exclaiming, “MY BALL!”

Usually, the “objects” with which the N chooses to merge, have traits or characteristics that the N wishes himself to obtain. That is why he is drawn to people with strengths in certain areas. We are supposed to feel flattered when we realize that even though it seemed like chance that we were brought together, that the N actually “hand-picked” us due to particular positive characteristics or strengths that we possessed. While this knowledge may be mildly comforting, it does nothing to ease the frustrating sting of confusion and disappointment left in his wake.

Think back on the past partners of your N. Didn’t they all possess certain impressive characteristics or strengths? And did you ever notice how your N would brag about someone from her past, only to cut him down in the next breath? Didn’t it ever seem strange to you that she seemed to rave about certain characteristics of past boyfriends or fondly remember the times they spent together, yet have no desire to be in a relationship with them again?

Narcissistic injury (that very first incident that caused the N to split and form his “false” self) is replayed many times throughout the N’s life through his relationships with others. He spends so much time building himself up and inflating his “false” self. When anyone tries to interfere with the image he has so carefully created, he experiences an injured feeling. To protect himself from that feeling, the N uses different types of defense mechanisms. One such mechanism is “devaluation.” By emotionally injuring others, he protects his “false” self. That is why he felt the need to insult you or make you feel badly about yourself. Take a few moments and try to recall a time your partner insulted you or made you feel negatively about yourself. Did it follow an incident in which you had perhaps corrected him in some way or criticized him about something? Did you try to explain how he could have possibly been mistaken or that perhaps he had said something he was denying having said? When threatened in such a way, those old and familiar insecurities begin to arise. The N experiences narcissistic injury all over again. One way to crush those feelings is to devalue the person posing the threat. This gives the N a feeling of superiority and control over that person. Control… even in a false sense, is very important to the N.

At the onset of all relationships, the N feels drawn to his partner because of her special strengths and characteristics. He wants those strengths to be a part of his “false” self. He admires them and mirrors them. Anything is better than the way he truly feels about himself. He will take on her personality in bits and pieces. He doesn’t even realize he is doing this. Was there ever a time when he mimicked your own words? Did you ever say something to him only to have it played back to you later as if it were his own original idea? This is very common with those afflicted with NPD. They merge so closely with their “objects” that they really seem to lose sight of where they end and their partner begins. Their partner’s words become their own. Their partner’s houses, cars and even friends become their own.

Once you learn the characteristics of NPD, the possibility that you had been or are still dating an N may initially seem overwhelming. On the one hand, you don’t want to believe that this is or was the case. On the other hand, too much of it makes sense for you to not delve into the matter further.

But beware: to accept the possibility that you are dating or have dated an N means you will have to accept the fact that your partner didn’t consider you “special.” And you must know that he wasn’t capable of “real” love. Think back on the time spent with him. You now may possibly even see it as a waste. That is always very hard to do, especially for those who have spent many years trying to cultivate relationships with N’s.

Many of us find it easier to find fault within ourselves than to put any of the blame on our partners. If we are ready for a relationship, we like to believe there is a “happily ever after.” We will fight to maintain or work to cultivate toward that happy ending. When we feel that is being threatened in any way, we tend to strike out with our own defense mechanisms. One of those mechanisms is denial. We find ourselves pretending things aren’t the way they seem. We make excuses for our partners or believe that things will get better “when” or “if.”

The fact of the matter is, if we are dating an N, things are not going to get better. Since the N views us as mere objects, we aren’t loved in the traditional sense of the word. We are tools the N uses for his narcissistic supply. Narcissistic supply is anything the N can use to help promote his “false” self. He needs others to lift him, to make him feel special and to reinforce his belief that he is superior in many areas. As long as we are giving him that supply, we are considered useful to the N. Initially, he will mistakenly believe that feeling to be love. However, in reality, it is a drug…a way for him to elevate himself. And, as with all drugs, it will eventually lose it’s potency. That is why the N is always in constant search for new partners (new supply, or NS).

Haven’t you ever wondered why your partner seemed to scan the room every time you were in public? Maybe she told you she liked observing people and that she was into “details.” Did you ever wonder why she seemed to have several male “friends” that she kept in touch with even while you were together? The N keeps supply on hand. Different people offer different supply to her. She will keep them around for as long as they continue to “buy into” her act and praise her for her “greatness.” The moment they begin to see beyond the act or discontinue the praise she so desperately needs, she will discard them like an old shoe…like the objects they are to her.

Partners of the N see his inconsistencies first hand, notice contradictions and, therefore, are more apt to criticize those things. That is, when the N will feel threatened, injured and becomes defensive. The N will begin devaluing his partner in order to regain control.

Unfortunately, after the N has devalued his partner, she loses that “ideal” appeal to him and he sees her as “damaged goods.” She is no longer necessary to him as supply and he begins to “discard” her by continuing the devaluation until the relationship is finally over. Many times the N will start to line up new supply (NS) months before the relationship is officially over. Some have been known to sign up on Internet dating sites while still in relationships with their partners. The devaluation may have been ongoing for quite some time, but the partner, viewing the relationship as “normal,” thinks they are just having problems and remains willing to work things out. She usually has no clue that she is the only one working to improve the situation. Does any of this sound familiar?

Why is it so hard for us to believe we could have possibly been “narcissized?” What is it about us that would prefer to believe we have some flaw or have made some major mistake to cause our partner to treat us the way he/she did? The truth is the partners blame themselves rather than doubt their N’s. Narcissistic Personality Disorder seems to be such a cold, malignant disease. No one wants to believe it exists…and if it does, no one wants to believe his or her partner is afflicted with a disorder which inflicts such cruelty.

N’s have been compared to vampires. This analogy makes a lot of sense when breaking down the characteristics of the disorder. The vampire is considered to be damned and cursed with his fate, just as the N is cursed with his disorder. Neither the vampire nor the N willingly chose his fate. The vampire uses people as tools and sources of supply to continue his existence…his constant, futile search for deliverance. The N uses people as supply as well; he needs them to keep his “false self ” alive while he continues his futile search for “ideal” love and deliverance of the disorder which enslaves him. The vampire cannot see his own image in a mirror and neither can the N. This is because the N has worked so hard to keep his real image hidden. He spent years trying to create and cultivate his “false” self; he has pieced it together from bits of supply to which he was attracted. Therefore, when he glances into a mirror, he sees his supply staring back at him. He sees a cracked and plastered vision of several people, none of which are even remotely similar to the “vile and disgusting” real self he has carefully hidden. Vampires are considered “soulless,” doomed to roam the earth, snatching souls from innocent victims. Many people consider the N to be “soulless” because he seems to have no conscience or pity for his victims. Victims of N’s often say they feel as if their soul has been raped or even robbed by the N. Like the vampire, the N seems to roam the earth acting as a victim of his own disorder, gathering supply, almost unwillingly, as he searches for some sort of cure or deliverance. Destruction of the vampire comes about when he is exposed to light, and the N will cease to exist when his “true” self is “brought to light.”

Once those who are victims of N’s accept the fact that their partners are afflicted with NPD, they sometimes find themselves feeling pity for the Narcissist. They refuse to believe there is no real cure for the disorder and they set out on a journey to “fix” the person. This is especially true for people with co-dependent tendencies. Co-dependents have been shaped since childhood to “fix” everything. They spend their lives and many of their relationships trying to make things right. This arrangement works perfectly for the N who seeks to be accommodated. Those who gain insight into co-dependency realize that perhaps their own parent was an N. They begin to see how they were shaped into becoming co-dependents at very early ages. Looking at the characteristics of an N, they can compare him/her to their mother or father.

According to the DSM, the N has a grandiose sense of self-importance. He will often exaggerate his achievements and expects to be recognized as superior. He believes that he is special and that only “special” people or people of high-status and importance can understand him. He believes in “ideal” love and is constantly in search of it. He has fantasies of unlimited success, power or beauty. He constantly needs admiration and praise. He has a sense of entitlement and takes advantage of others in order to achieve his own goals. He is incapable of feeling empathy and cannot identify with the needs and feelings of others. He often has a snobby attitude or comes across as arrogant. He is envious of others and believes others to be envious of him. In order to be diagnosed with an actual permanent Narcissistic Personality Disorder, five of the above criteria need to be met. Many times the N believes others are talking about him when they are not. Paranoia and bi-polar tendencies seem to be prevalent in N’s, as well.

In addition, the DSM IV states, “Many highly successful individuals display personality traits that might be considered narcissistic” and that, “Only when these traits are inflexible, maladaptive, persisting and cause significant functional impairment or subjective stress, is it considered Narcissistic Personality Disorder.”

Once a victim of an N realizes that her own parent could have possibly been afflicted with NPD, she begins to pull pieces of the puzzle together. Situations from her childhood that she had once thought “normal” suddenly seem not as normal when she views them as situations influenced by an N. Understanding that she could have been shaped and prepared to deal with an N as early as her childhood, the victim realizes how she was able to continue in such a relationship.

You don’t have to be a co-dependent to be in a relationship with an N, but many times that is the case. A co-dependent has usually been taught to take the blame or justify odd behavior. A co-dependent will be more likely to accept negative behavior for longer periods of time while making excuses for, or actually believing that the N is going to get better at some point.

Studies have shown that N’s who sometimes have relationships with other N’s have a more “successful” relationship. This is because both partners use each other for supply and don’t expect more from the relationship. When they need new supply they take it, while understanding that their old supply will be waiting for them when necessary.

Successful relationships with N’s are those in which the partner seems to sacrifice many of the traditional expectations of a relationship. Some partners realize their N is not going to be faithful, so in order to keep the relationship together they participate in wife swapping or other types of permissive infidelities. Do you know anyone like this? Some partners of N’s want to keep their relationship together so badly that they will often sacrifice their own happiness and allow themselves to stay in relationships where they have to share their partner in order to be a part of his life. The N sees this as the ultimate form of narcissistic supply because he views himself as such a wonderful person that his partner is actually willing to share him in order to keep him. If he can stay with her after that, without feeling disgust or disrespect for what he views as desperation, the relationship can continue in this fashion for as long as he allows.

Sometimes, when we study the characteristics of an N, we become paranoid that perhaps we, ourselves, are N’s. However, everyone possesses a certain amount of narcissism, which is necessary for protection against certain types of emotional injury. It becomes a problem when those characteristics are so dominant that they leave no room for empathy or respect for others.

Don’t worry if you are feeling a bit overwhelmed right now and if some major light bulbs are flashing in your head at this time. Sit back and take a nice, deep breath. There is actually a way for you to heal from all of this “N-fliction.” Contrary to popular belief, there is a way for the N to heal as well. But first, my friend, you must piece together more of this puzzle that has recently been confusing you so much. So read on.

There is a saying that goes: “It is hard to see the forest for the trees.” When we see another person’s situation, we seem to know exactly what must be done. Perceptions of our own situations tend to be clouded by doubts and false hopes, whether consciously or subconsciously. So we are not always able to know exactly what to do. Hence, we often continue in hopeless relationships, repeating patterns and behaviors that secure their doom. In an effort to “clear the trees” a bit, let’s look at other relationships. Perhaps you will see elements of your own relationship in one of the stories in this book. If so, it should help you gain a better understanding of N’s and NPD.