Читать книгу The Power of Positive Aging - David Lereah - Страница 9

CHAPTER TWO

We Are in This Together

How many of us are aging, and how many of us are growing old? There is a difference. Aging can be a wondrous journey, but your mindset will determine whether you find joy on this road. If you get anxious about physical decline and death, it will drive you mad and you will grow old quickly. But with the right approach, aging can become an adventure to treasure.

Aging can be a magnificent reality if you appreciate every moment in life, pursue a positive attitude, and adapt to physical and mental decline. Don’t dwell on the marks of aging—if your knees break, use a walker; if your ears break, use a hearing aid. This is your encore, make the best of it. Staying alive is a wonderful concept but embracing life is a better one.

One of my most important lessons about aging came from a wise but very wet old man. I was seated comfortably in the lobby of my parents’ senior living facility, waiting for a rainstorm to subside. I watched as a dark sky hurled sheets of rain onto the ground and against the window beside me, and then I saw an aged man with a walker drenched by the rain, moving unhurriedly toward the front entrance. I rushed outside and opened my umbrella above his head to shield him from the rain. He grimaced and said, “Get that umbrella away from me. Let me be!” I backed away and retreated into the building.

Minutes later, the elderly man approached me and said, “Son, I appreciate your act of kindness, but the rain against my skin felt wonderful to me. At my age, they are tears of joy.”

What a revelation about growing old: Life is too short not to appreciate every moment. That man had learned a valuable lesson: Don’t get hung up about getting wet when you can enjoy raindrops caressing your body.

As baby boomers reach their senior years, more and more of them are choosing to fill their lives with meaningful activities, postretirement employment, community service, and pleasurable experiences—like walking in the rain. I want to help spread these trends among the senior segment of our population.

Aging Rooms

I believe aging consists of two phases, which are discussed in more depth in chapter 10, Aging to the Other Side. In Phase I, we realize that we are aging and declining. Struggles and discomforts, such as hearing loss or arthritis, force us to face the harsh reality that our bodies will never be the same. In Phase II, we begin to recognize our own mortality. Any number of dire events, such as cancer or a severe heart attack, can open the curtains of finality.

However, our quality of life will be determined not by our stage of aging or by our physical or mental limitations, but by our choice of aging “rooms.” We can choose to hang out in one of three places:

➢ The Positive Aging Room

➢ The Practical Aging Room

➢ God’s Waiting Room

We want as many people as possible to hang out as often as possible in the Positive Aging Room, although most of us will spend some time in the Practical Aging Room. What we don’t want to do is spend years moping around in God’s Waiting Room.

The Positive Aging Room

The Positive Aging Room is like spending time in your home’s family room. In most homes, the family room is where life happens. It’s the most comfortable room in the house, the place you go to rest and recharge, to watch TV, play games, read books, and entertain friends. That’s how your Positive Aging Room should feel, too. Positive aging means having the right attitude about growing old. It is about maintaining a healthy lifestyle and staying engaged fully in life, even as you experience physical and mental decline, so you don’t lose a sense of control over your own life.

Plentiful research supports the benefits of positive aging (see the previous chapter). According to a study by Becca Levy (see chapter 15, Aging in America), senior citizens with positive self-perceptions of aging lived 7.5 years longer than those with negative self-perceptions of aging.¹²

My friend Sally practices positivity to the extreme. We can all learn from her example—I know I have. Sally doesn’t believe in aging. Her objective is to escape the old mentality of aging and decline. She wants to grow younger and get healthier every day.

She knows that aging is a fact of life and time marches on as her physical body declines. But her philosophy is, “If we can imagine it, we can have it.” She does not buy into society’s perceptions of aging; she has opted out of aging. And she is not alone. There are an increasing number of baby boomers in this country, as well as Buddhists and Yogis and others, who do not introspectively think about aging and decline.

Sally tells me she is thinking about turning 35 on her next birthday. She says this will not be the first time she turned 35; it’s happened several times over the past few years. She says 35 is a good year and she will stay there for some time.

Sally vibrates with positive energy, and lives a carefree, optimistic life. Yet in our reality, Sally is 82 years old and uses a walker for mobility and a hearing aid for listening to the rest of us complain about aging.

The Practical Aging Room

The Practical Aging Room is very much like your home’s kitchen. Unless you love to cook, the kitchen is probably not your favorite room in the house. You spend time there because you need to keep yourself fed, but it’s not the place you want to get trapped all day. There will be days on your aging journey that require a visit to the Practical Aging Room, but you don’t want to get stuck here and never make it to the Positive Aging Room.

Most of us, in varying degrees, take a practical approach toward aging. We have not fully committed to embracing positivity but are hopeful that we will grow old gracefully. We stay positive about aging with a hint of anxiety and sometimes depression. We make the best of the situation while experiencing bouts of uneasiness and some loss of self-worth because we don’t know how to find our way to the Positive Aging Room.

My mom and dad are in the Practical Aging Room. As of this writing, my mom is 89 and my dad is 96, and both deal with physical decline. My parents live in a senior living facility and walk gingerly with the aid of walkers. My mom has endured breast cancer, hip and shoulder surgery, diabetes, and hypertension, while my dad has endured an abdominal aortic aneurysm, significant hearing and vision loss, fluid in his lungs, and hypertension. My parents have dealt with their aging issues with dignity and vigor. But they also exhibited some emotional ups and downs as their physical and mental health declined. They are prime examples of practical aging: growing old gracefully.

Roberta also resides in the Practical Aging Room. Roberta is a wonderful woman, always complaining about life but with humor and sarcasm. She deserves to complain because she has endured a great deal of physical decline. Her knees have given out, so she uses a walker. She survived stage 2 lung cancer and heart valve replacement surgery. She knows her days are numbered yet focuses on living. She attends bingo every Wednesday at her church and visits with her grandchildren on Thursdays. She also paints beach and garden landscapes when she is physically up to it. Roberta resides in the Practical Aging Room because she remains anxious about growing old. She could easily find her way to the Positive Aging Room with a more positive mindset.

God’s Waiting Room

People in God’s Waiting Room do not embrace the power of positive aging, nor do they strive to grow old gracefully. They simply sit and wait for their name to be called, waiting to leave this life. People in God’s Waiting Room are easy to spot. They show little energy or interest in the world around them. They are sometimes bitter and usually indifferent about their lives.

When you visit senior residential or care facilities, you can easily spot the people in God’s Waiting Room. They are the ones who avoid social interaction and activities and feel there is little meaning left in life. They spend their days as if they are sitting in a laundromat waiting for clothes to dry. The dictionary says “to wait” means to stay in one place until someone comes for you. People in God’s Waiting Room have lost their zest for life.

A Road Map to Positive Aging

My cancer opened my eyes to the fragility of life. It taught me how to cope with life-threatening disease, as well as the physical and mental decline that accompanies aging. I was diagnosed with stage 3 esoph-ageal cancer when I was 62. My doctor made no promises, nor did he offer comforting words like “Don’t worry, we’ll beat this.” Instead, he told me stage 3 esophageal cancer was life threatening as he laid out a game plan that began with six weeks of chemotherapy and radiation. If that stage of the treatment proved to be successful, I would then need a seven-hour surgery on my esophagus and stomach. (An anatomy of my cancer battle is presented in Appendix D).

As I left the doctor’s office, the nurse tried to reassure me about the future. “If you survive this,” she said, “your cancer is an inconvenience.” I didn’t know at the moment, but she was so on-target.

I learned a great deal from my battle with cancer. In order to survive, I had little choice but to cope with the torturous effects of chemotherapy and radiation, and I had to learn to live with the fear that my cancer could spread (metastasize) and eventually kill me. I also had to learn to make post-surgery changes to my lifestyle. My stomach is now a long tube that runs up my chest; it is half the size of the original. Complications from my surgery require that I eat mostly soft foods (steak and pork chops are out) and liquids. I also must sleep on a 45-degree incline due to bile and acid reflux issues.

But I survived, and I now see cancer and its aftereffects as inconveniences. I have come to realize that every second, every minute, every day, every week, every month, every year, and every decade we are here in the physical realm we call life is a blessing.

My cancer journey is much like the aging journey. Every mark of aging, whether it is hearing loss, mobility loss, arthritis, Parkinson’s disease, Alzheimer’s disease, or multiple sclerosis, is an inconvenience. Inconvenience is something that causes trouble or problems. The inconveniences of aging are not life threatening—they are life changing. If you view the marks of aging as mere inconveniences, then the obstacles ahead, whatever they may be, aren’t as intimidating.

This book aims to help you age successfully and gracefully by helping you cope with the inconveniences that come with a long shelf life. Allow it to serve as a road map to positive aging.

There is no dearth of advice about how to cope positively with life, aging, and suffering. The activities and practices presented in this book reflect bits and pieces taken from Buddhism, spiritualism, New Age beliefs, laws of attraction, mindfulness, and other notions and techniques that offer positive ways to deal with the suffering of aging.

Aging is a lifelong process, and physical and mental decline occurs throughout one’s life span. With the right attitude and a healthy spirit, aging can bring about much joy and many rewards. Getting older is not all doom and gloom.

As individuals, we possess varying levels of physical, mental, and emotional strengths and weaknesses. The goal is to make adjustments in your life so you can better cope with “inconveniences,” such as changes to your appearance, bodily functions, and mental health, and even life-threatening diseases.

During my battle with cancer, I discovered a number of practices and activities that helped me endure and recover. They are building blocks for a foundation for successful and positive aging. I introduce these six building blocks here and then investigate each more fully in the following chapters.

➢ Your inner spirit (the power of me)

➢ Mindfulness

➢ Positivity

➢ The Four A’s

➢ Social support (the power of us)

➢ Balance

Your Inner Spirit (The Power of Me)

I believe we are more than our physical body—we also possess a spiritual body that is unaffected by time and aging. And I believe we need to spend more time on our spiritual side. We need to strengthen our spirit as our physical body declines. We need to go on a spiritual journey to prevent growing older.

In my view, nothing is more critical than a healthy spirit to cope with the marks of aging. This is the power of me. It is unfortunate, but most of us place little focus on our spirit as we live our lives. Most people are unaware of the powerful role that their spirits can play in their lives, particularly as they age.

Many religions and philosophies deal with this issue. Among them, as an example, is Buddhism, which is about finding freedom from suffering so humans can experience a peaceful existence. If your spirit effectively manages the suffering of aging, you allow joy into your life.

Whether you are an 18-year-old teenager, a 27-year-old woman about to be married, a 45-year-old businessman, a 67-year-old empty nester retiree, or a 91-year-old elderly woman, you will rely on your spirit to confront the struggles of aging. We feel the cumulative aches and pains in our back and other body parts with each passing year. We no longer jump as high or run as fast as in our younger years. Sexual drive peaks too soon for many of us. We take more and more meds to counter our physical and mental diminishment. Ultimately, many of us experience serious declines in quality of life or face life-threatening diseases. With the support of family and friends, combined with a healthy spirit, growing old can be a positive, if not exciting, journey.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is living in the present moment, free from worries about the past or the future. This practice helps people appreciate every moment in life, an effective distraction from focusing on physical and mental decline.

Positivity

Learning to stay positive helps us maintain our self-worth as we face the challenges of aging. It helps us avoid negative thoughts and embrace life head-on.

The Four A’s

Incorporating the Four A’s—acceptance, adaptation, appreciation, attitude—into your life will help you find your way to the Positive Aging Room.

Social Support (The Power of Us)

Perhaps the greatest benefit of providing social support to a person experiencing the struggles of aging is to lift his or her spirit. One is a lonely number. We are all in this life together. If we help each other as we age, we can experience joy rather than suffering. This is the power of us.

Whether it is a life-threatening disease or a quality-of-life decline due to aging, people need support. You need other people who can act as your safety net.

I cannot overemphasize how important it is for humans to stick together as we age. Life can be wonderful in our senior years if we have a support network. Together we can make a difference.

MY JOURNEY

At 62 years old, cancer came a bit early from my perspective. You don’t know how well you have it until you encounter a serious health crisis. No one knows better than me the importance of support from others when confronted with health issues, because I learned firsthand how family and friends can help you manage the suffering and lift your spirit.

My wife, family, and caring friends came through for me and gave me the emotional support, strength, and positivity I needed to get through the excruciating grind of cancer treatment. When I was nauseous, gagging on food, and vomiting from the cumulative effects of the poisonous chemotherapy, my wife was by my side to help me. My family surrounded me with an endless amount of love while my friends volunteered to help with weekly household chores.

My support network literally saved my life during my battle with cancer. Nobody lives in isolation; life is a group outing.

Balance

Finding the right balance in your life as you age is critical to successful aging. The challenge is that we become increasingly out of balance as we age. Aging leaves many of us feeling unsettled, anxious, and confused about who we are. Life balancing includes making adjustments to your lifestyle, social interactions, priorities, and expectations.

United We Age

Conventional wisdom says older people should retire, shrivel up, and fade into the sunset. We live in a youth-dominated society with heavy doses of celebrity worship and the persistent message that old is not cool. Older people are relegated to the backside of society. Conventional wisdom needs to be turned inside out and on its head, and I hope that this book can help change the way our society views aging while also changing the way we age.

Parents and educators teach children how to be firemen, lawyers, doctors, teachers, and construction workers, but no one teaches us how to be 70, 80, or 90 years old. No one teaches us how to deal with life-threatening diseases or wrinkles, failing eyesight, deteriorating mobility, and memory loss. We don’t know how to grow old, and we don’t know how to treat the elderly in our society.

In some cultures, senior citizens are not cast aside. In China, young people are expected to defer to older people, let them speak first, sit only after their elders are seated, and not contradict them. In some African communities, older citizens command great respect. But as China and other senior-friendly societies become modernized, cultural norms—including honoring elders—wither away.

We live in a youth-obsessed nation where aging is out and being young is in. Young celebrities like Kim Kardashian are revered, while the elderly are put out to pasture. People spend billions of dollars on antiaging creams and surgical procedures to eliminate wrinkles because wrinkles make them look old. What if we viewed wrinkled faces as reflections of life’s experiences that took years to create?

Many older people are ashamed or embarrassed to display marks of aging in our forever-young society because they fear being labeled frail and useless. Wrinkles are ugly, wheelchairs represent helplessness, and hearing aids reflect weakness. The cultural belief that aging equals decline and poor health has created self-fulfilling prophecies as seniors surrender to infirmities and sink into depression, believing their usefulness is gone.

Others fight to stay relevant with antiaging products and current fashion. There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to appear young if it makes you feel good, raises your confidence, and promotes a healthier lifestyle. The problem comes when you buy into the societal messaging that staying young is superior to growing old.

My hope is to inspire Americans to unite as we age. There are literally millions of senior citizens living alone in America today experiencing quality-of-life decline with no support network. Without social support, they are having a difficult time coping. Quality of life and life expectancy decline for people lacking a social support network (e.g., spouse, family, friends).

We need local networks of support across America for people with life-threatening diseases/conditions and for people experiencing quality-of-life decline due to aging, especially for people living alone. These networks can bring together people of all ages to lift the spirits and enhance the quality of life for aging people across the country.

Our Western ways continue to promote forever-young attitudes that ignore the spirituality, wisdom, and creativity of older adults. Older people need to feel relevant, respected, and useful if they are to live meaningful lives with dignity. Their lives need to be celebrated, not marginalized. People need to support each other as they confront the marks of aging. It would be commendable if people of all generations joined (figuratively or literally) a united we age movement to offer the emotional support necessary to make a difference in an older person’s life.

A Journey of Inconvenience

From a positive aging perspective, cancer is an inconvenience of aging, and so is every other mark of aging. They are inconveniences because life is precious at all ages and in all stages—not just when we are young and healthy and strong. We live on this Earth and we die on this Earth, so while we are living every moment is precious. That is why we live in the moment. As long as we can smell the roses and hear the ocean waves hit the shoreline, we have a quality of life worth savoring.

The remainder of this book serves as a guide that will, hopefully, place you on the wondrous journey of positive aging. This book will help you tap into your spirit, seek and find social support, and practice any combination of mindfulness, positivity, the Four A’s, and balance as you confront the inconveniences of aging. I’ve learned we are not at war with Father Time; we never have been. We are only battling ourselves when we resist the natural process of aging. Aging is God’s (or the universe’s) way of telling us it’s time to transition to the other side. From a spiritual perspective, it’s the beginning of a new journey.

Writing this book has been profoundly therapeutic. I had a difficult time coping with cancer at 62 years old; I became bitter about my diagnosis and developed a heightened fear of finality. But my social network lifted my spirit, and, in turn, my spirit rediscovered a passion for living. Although my post-cancer self is physically weaker than my pre-cancer self, I am spiritually stronger than I’ve ever been before. My journey has taken a different path today, and it is a more robust and satisfying path. I now have a positive aging attitude, and I want to help you find and maintain your own positive aging attitude while also encouraging our society to recognize the worth of aging.

Hopefully, “We are in this together” will become a mantra for all of us.