Читать книгу From Heartbreak to Heart's Desire - Dawn Maslar - Страница 17

Time heals all wounds (it may also be true that, in the words of the old saying, “time wounds all heels”). It’s trite, but true, and healing a broken picker is no different from any other kind of healing. It takes time. Of course, being human, we all wish that the instant we realize our brokenness, our woundedness, we can heal instantly. But it doesn’t work that way. To heal a broken picker we need time, and sometimes we need to take a step back, not to isolate, but to protect ourselves and give ourselves a chance for healing to take place. Sometimes, in order to advance, we need to take a retreat. A personal retreat, that is.

WHAT IS A PERSONAL RETREAT?

A personal retreat is one in which you take time for yourself. You already know that in order to love another person you must first love yourself. But what does love really mean? What does it mean when you hear “He loves his car” or “She loves her garden” or “They love their family”? It usually means that they spend time with the object of that “love.” He spends time cleaning his car, she spends time tending her garden, they spend time with their family.

That’s what a personal retreat is about; it’s about time spent loving yourself. You are loving yourself when you give yourself time just for you. You are giving yourself time to do the activities in this book, time to heal and grow, and time to decide what you want from life. By taking a personal retreat, you are making a commitment to yourself and taking a very important step along the path of self-love.

A retreat can be defined as a period of withdrawal for prayer, meditation, study, or instruction. But what are you withdrawing from? In the context of our present discussion, you are withdrawing from male attention. You will take a break from dating. You will stop dating men and start dating yourself. You are going to be taking the time to get to know yourself better.

WHY DO I NEED A PERSONAL RETREAT?

There are several reasons to participate in a personal retreat. Three of the biggest reasons are:

1. It’s harder to solve a problem when you are in the middle of it;

2. You need time for yourself; and

3. You need time to heal.

It is quite difficult to solve a problem when you are in the middle of it. The solution to any problem often becomes apparent only after you stop frantically searching for it. Our frenzied efforts to solve a problem can actually become a barrier to its solution, or may even add to the problem. The guidance we need becomes apparent once we stop focusing on our difficulty.

This can be illustrated by a simple example. Think back to a time when you were trying to remember something—maybe a person’s name or the name of a place. The more you focused on it, the more frustrated you became. But as soon as you let go and turned your attention somewhere else, the name popped into your head. The same principle applies to a personal retreat. We can’t expect to find an answer to our relationship problem while we are in the center of it. When we remove ourselves and focus on something else, the solution becomes evident.

You need to take this time and focus on you and become comfortable with yourself. This is one of life’s ironies: You will never be happy in a relationship until you are able to be happy without one.

In the past, when I felt lonely I would look to men as a source of comfort. I would look to them to make me feel good about myself. When I was getting attention from a man, I felt beautiful and wanted. But if I wasn’t getting attention I felt undesirable. My moods fluctuated, depending on how much attention I felt I needed and was getting. This was never an enjoyable place to be. I had trouble being comfortable with myself.

This feeling of being uncomfortable in my own skin made intimacy difficult. I would get into a relationship with a man and expect him to make me feel lovable. When he didn’t, I would try to get the attention that I felt I was lacking. Often, I would act out by trying to attract the attention of other men. This caused difficulties in my primary relationship. My partner justifiably felt uneasy about my commitment to him and questioned my ability to be faithful. My own insecurity and lack of self-worth caused him to be unsure and pull back. I was creating a vicious cycle that always ended in heartache.

One of the main reasons I felt so uncomfortable with myself was that I had never taken time to grieve and heal from past hurts. My past relationship patterns were to jump from one relationship to the next. I didn’t want to feel the ache of grieving, so in order to avoid the pain I’d focus on the excitement of a new relationship. Unfortunately, this created more unresolved pain that needed to be released. What I discovered was that my fear of the pain was much greater than the pain itself. By taking time for a personal retreat, and using that time to release that old unresolved pain, I was preparing myself for a much healthier relationship.

RETREAT!

While I was writing this book, my friend Lindsay called to tell me some big news.

“I’m moving out!” she said.

“What happened?”

As she told me of her dawning realization that her partner was not “the one,” I began to think she might be a prime candidate for a personal retreat. She could even serve as a research subject, if she would agree.

I explained about the book I was writing, told her about the twelve-step plan for healing her broken picker, and asked if she’d give it a try.

“Yeah,” she said. “I’d love that.”

“It has different activities designed to help you heal and figure out what you really want.”

“It sounds like exactly what I need, and I’ll have plenty of free time now that I am moving out.”

“I’ll send you a copy.”

“Okay, I’ll start right away.”

“The first thing you do is called a personal retreat.”

“Cool, sounds like fun. What is it?”

“It is where you take a break from dating to figure out what you want.”

“Do you mean I can’t date?”

“Well…yes.”

“Oh, you don’t understand. I’m thirty-six years old and I want to have children. I can’t afford to take time off from dating.”

“Wait, didn’t you just tell me you haven’t moved out yet?”

“Yes.”

“Are you planning to take any time off to heal and figure out what you want?”

“Oh, yes, but I am still going to date. In fact, I am already talking to someone.”

She was talking to this new potential lover while she was still living with someone else. In two years I will probably get exactly the same phone call from her—only then she will be two years older and feeling even more pressure. She doesn’t realize that anyone she meets right now will bring up the same issues. By jumping into another relationship, my friend is not solving her problem, because her thinking hasn’t changed. She is just delaying her healing. She doesn’t realize that the reason she is in a hurry to meet and mate with the right man is precisely the reason she needs to take the time to do the activities in the book. She is right in thinking she doesn’t have time to waste. But she needs to use the time she has in order to heal, to improve her self-esteem and change her self-talk, to figure out what she really wants in a relationship, and then to take the time to find it. Then, and only then, will she be ready to attract her heart’s desire. Unfortunately, she will probably find herself bewildered, always wondering why she can’t seem to find or attract the right guy. Little does she know that the right guy is already out there getting ready for her—if she would only take the time to get ready for him.

In her book Facing Love Addiction, Pia Mellody explains that until we “acquire more healthy ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving in a relationship healthy people will continue to appear less attractive. Just changing partners to a healthier person without doing the work of recovery will not solve the problem.” (Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love. Pia Mellody, Andrea Wells Miller, and J. Keith Miller. © 2003, HarperCollins.)

HOW LONG SHOULD I STAY ON MY

Each personal retreat will be different. How long will it take? The length of time will depend on where you are in your journey. Some retreats may be as short as a few weeks, while others may last ninety days or more. Here are some guidelines to help you decide how much time you want yours to take:

If you haven’t just exited a relationship, then all you need to do is give yourself the time to do the steps in this book. This could be as short as a week, but I would recommend thirty days.

If you were recently in a relationship and it ended more than a month ago, then a sixty-day retreat is recommended. This will give you time to do the work in the book, while also providing you with important time to grieve the breakup of the relationship.

If you are still in a relationship that isn’t a happy one for you, or you are just ending it, then a ninety-day retreat is recommended. You need this time to grieve and heal. Just as a broken arm needs a certain amount of time to heal, so does your heart.

If you are not sure where to begin, start with a sixty-day hiatus. If this seems too extreme, it may be easier to commit if you start with a thirty-day sabbatical. If Lindsay had taken a ninety-day personal retreat two years before that phone call instead of jumping into the relationship she was looking to end on the day she called me, she might now be making the decisions about marriage and motherhood she wanted, rather than looking for a new place to live.

MY PERSONAL RETREAT HESITATION

I confess that the first time my mentor suggested a personal retreat, I was resistant. I was unhappy and frustrated with my on-again, off-again relationship, but I was reluctant to take a break. I began my first retreat halfheartedly and wasn’t really being honest with myself. In the back of my mind, I was still manipulating. I was hoping that if my boyfriend realized I was gone, he would miss me so much that he would come back and commit to our relationship, and everything would be fine. I had read somewhere that if you stop seeing a man and he comes back in sixty days, then he is serious. So I did the retreat for sixty days. I just knew that he would come back. Then I could stop this silly thing and get on with my life.

And guess what? In sixty days he did come back. I was overjoyed. But I was not the pushover he had left behind. In those sixty days I had begun the process of valuing myself. So, when he returned and tried to fall into bed with me, as we’d done so many times before, a little part of me resisted. I was tired of him coming and going, leaving me feeling used. I wanted a relationship, not casual sex. So this time I did something different: I asked for what I wanted. I told him I wanted an exclusive relationship with him before we had sex again.

To my surprise, he was not upset. He was a gentleman, and said he respected my wishes. He smiled and seemed proud of me. I was elated. He did not say he would give me a commitment, but said he would go home and think about it. In the days that followed we had several dates. He wanted to have sex, but I stuck to my guns and restated my desire for a commitment. Each time he would respect me and go home. He became more attentive. He started calling every day, just to talk. We dated for several more weeks, and I was excited that my plan seemed to be working.

Then, one day, his calls stopped. After three long, agonizing days, he called. He told me that he had been thinking about what I wanted, and decided he could not give it to me. I was devastated. My first reaction was to say, “Okay, never mind. I will take whatever you have to offer me, just don’t leave me.” But I didn’t. I wanted more, and I was finally realizing I was worth it. I was no longer willing to settle for love scraps. I had to let him go. I was now truly ready for my personal retreat.

PACKING FOR YOUR PERSONAL RETREAT

To get the benefits from your personal retreat you need a complete break from men; call it a man-ban, a date-break, or a “he-tox.” Whatever you would like to call it, the bottom line is…NO MEN. No dating, no phone calls, no emails, and, of course, no sexual contact with anyone. Start by deleting the men’s numbers from your cell phone or phone book. If a man is a friend whom you may want to call after you’ve completed your retreat, then write his number down for later. Put the paper somewhere safe, or give it to a woman friend to hold for you. Next, remove all the men’s email addresses from your online address book. If you have a little black book, burn it.

Tell all your guy pals what you are doing and explain that you won’t be able to talk with them for a while. If they are your true friends, they will understand and support you. If they don’t support you, then you are better off without them.

Stop all behavior that gets you attention from men. Yes, that even means that cute delivery guy. Order from a different restaurant. Avoid places where men hang out…no sports bars or tractor-pulls. If you are invited to a place where there are a lot of singles, don’t go. It may seem like a big sacrifice, but it’s only temporary. (Don’t worry, you will not forget how to date.) Go see a movie with a girlfriend instead. But skip the love stories; they will only make you miss the male attention you see onscreen.

Put all your sexy clothes in a box. Sleep in those old comfy pajamas you wouldn’t want a man to see you in. If you’ve been driving by a construction area where you’ve been getting wolf whistles on the way to work, change your route. Go to the gym on off-hours or take the female-dominated classes. Do not go anywhere you know you will see men whose attention you might be even remotely interested in.

You may meet someone and be tempted to be diverted. This is normal. There’s always a part of us that resists anything new or unfamiliar. It is almost as if your resolve is being tested. Are you really committed to your heart’s desires? If you answer yes, you will continue along the path you’ve now begun. You’ve heard the saying, “no pain, no gain”? A little work (a little pain) will garner you a little gain. A lot of work/pain will get you a lot of gain. You get to choose.

To help me stay committed to my decision, I announced my intentions to all my friends. I told them what I was doing and why. To my surprise, everyone was supportive, and even offered to help. A few of my girlfriends said they were going to watch me, and if my retreat worked for me, they would try it for themselves.

Some days were tough. When I felt down, I would want to call or email a guy. On those days, I wanted to give up. I told myself ninety days was too long. But I’d made a commitment to myself. So, on the days when I felt particularly challenged, I would take a “one day at a time” approach. Just for that one day, I told myself, I would not call a guy. I told myself, I don’t know what I will do tomorrow, but I definitely won’t call today. Instead of calling a guy, I would call a girlfriend who was supportive and talk to her.

I recommend asking a girlfriend to be your “retreat buddy.” Explain to her what you are doing and why. Ask her if it would be okay if you call her when you feel yourself weakening and wanting to call a man. I think you’ll find that most friends will be honored to help you in this way. Stopping any behavior that is familiar to you, particularly behavior that you’ve used to release tension or make yourself feel better, even temporarily, is difficult. Being accustomed to a situation, even a painful one, promises a certain level of comfort. Change takes courage and usually requires support from others. But, most of all, it takes faith that the change you’re working to achieve will benefit you. Sometimes the pain needs to become worse before it gets better. Remind yourself of this whenever you need courage.

LIFTOFF

When we’re breaking old habits or starting anything new, it takes a lot of effort in the beginning—just like the energy needed to launch a rocket. Once it’s in orbit, gravity will become its ally, but before that happens, gravity is the enemy. Enormous amounts of energy must be expended during liftoff in order to counteract its effects. The beginning of your retreat may be like this. Remind yourself often that you are taking the time to go on this retreat because you want and deserve a loving, committed relationship. Consider putting up a few sticky notes to refresh your memory. This retreat is only temporary, and the benefits will be for a lifetime. Meanwhile, the time will go fast.

Taking this time is essential. This is the first step of a process that will lead you to the love and life you want. Seneca, the Roman philosopher, said it best: “It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that things are difficult.”

Activity

Implement a personal retreat.

Copy, print, sign, and post in a conspicuous place the Personal Retreat Agreement form on Personal Retreat Agreement.

Delete men from your phone and computer.

Avoid areas where men congregate.

Avoid wearing clothing that will tend to attract male attention.

Get a retreat buddy.

Personal Retreat Agreement

I, AM MAKING A COMMITMENT TO A DAY PERSONAL RETREAT.

BY SIGNING THIS AGREEMENT, I AM GIVING MYSELF THE GIFT OF TIME TO WORK ON MYSELF. I AM MAKING THIS PROMISE SO I HAVE TIME TO HEAL, GROW, AND DISCOVER MY TRUE HEARTS DESIRE. DURING MY RETREAT: ’

I WILL DELETE FROM MY PHONE ALL NUMBERS

OF MEN TO WHOM I HAVE LOOKED FOR ATTENTION.

I WILL AVOID SEEKING ATTENTION

FROM MEN ONLINE AND IN PERSON.

I WILL NOT DO ANYTHING TO PUT MYSELF IN A

POSITION TO BE TEMPTED TO BREAK THIS AGREEMENT.

I AM COMMITTED TO A BETTER LIFE.

I WILL CALL INSTEAD OF CALLING A MAN

I WILL LIMIT MY CONTACT WITH ANYONE

WHO DOESNT SUPPORT MY COMMITMENT.

I WILL NOT WEAR ATTENTION-SEEKING CLOTHES.

I WILL AVOID AREAS AND OCCASIONS WHERE

THERE WILL BE MEN NOT RELATED TO ME.

I AM MAKING THIS PROMISE TO

TRANSFORM MY LIFE FROM ONE OF HEARTBREAK

TO ONE IN WHICH I FIND MY HEARTS DESIRE. ’