Читать книгу From Heartbreak to Heart's Desire - Dawn Maslar - Страница 9

Your picker is not so much a thing as it is a feeling. It’s that tingling feeling you get when you meet someone you like. You know what I mean; you walk into a room and you start scanning the area. All of a sudden, your focus is on him. You think, “Wow, he’s cute!” A warm sensation moves up your body. Your heart starts beating faster and you feel flushed. You look around to see if anyone notices, and then you refocus. Your gaze travels over his physique, examining his face, his clothing, and his mannerisms. You find something unique that you really like—maybe he’s wearing your favorite style of suit, or he has the big, strong hands that you just love. You even imagine how it would feel to be touched by them.

Although this is all occurring in just a brief moment, it is enough time for him to feel your presence. He turns and looks at you. Your breathing stops, and you feel your heart start racing as the blood rushes to your face. You feel faint. But then he smiles. You’re excited and nervous as you return the smile. And you begin to breathe again.

We all have similar feelings. Maybe it’s butterflies in your stomach, or a weakness in your knees. Whatever the precise sensation, we all know it’s that unmistakable awareness that you might have just met “the one.” The feeling is wonderfully intoxicating. Millions of words have been written about it and hundreds of movies have tried to capture it. We may call it that special spark of love-at-first-sight. We can call it many different things, but the bottom line is: This is your picker in action. The process of picking is very complicated, but we are mostly unaware of it. As a biology professor, I can explain the biochemical chain reaction that occurs, producing the physiological effects. I can explain the effects of hormones and pheromones, how they produce the physiological changes such as an increased heart rate, blood pressure, and the rate of your breathing. We can talk about the dilation of your pupils and vasogestion (sexual arousal). Although this may be academically interesting, it’s not very important. The essential fact is that all of these reactions start in the brain.

The picking process begins with subtle, unconscious stimuli to your brain. It is your interpretation of the stimuli that produces the response that you find so exciting. Your internal environment forms your perception of your external environment. How you interpret these cues is the important part; they tell you who you are attracted to.

I used to believe this response was fate, some supernatural phenomenon that was predetermined by the stars. I believed that there was one special person out there and it was my job to find him. I would know him by the feeling I got. That tingling, that light-headed giddiness I experienced—these were the cues telling me that my future just walked into the room.

I still believe in a “special one.” But the feelings I was getting from men who turned out to be wrong for me were definitely not love. Rather, they were an indication that my picker might have been broken.

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF YOUR PICKER IS BROKEN?

If, like I used to, you have a broken picker, you get that WOW! feeling from the wrong men. The men who are available, happy, and secure do nothing for us. But the man with heartbreak written all over him (in invisible ink, of course) has us jumping around like we are walking on hot coals—and we like it. We may somehow sense that he is not good for us, but still we find ourselves compelled to pursue him, brushing aside any subtle sense of warning we may occasionally feel. Like a moth to a flame, we circle. We know if we get too close we will get burned, but we are powerless to stop. The excitement of the moment is intoxicating. He has somehow set off a physical response that we interpret as love.

We become enveloped in the dream. It is like we are great writers working on a dazzling love story. All the story needs is the hero. We let out a sigh of relief as he strides into view, taller, stronger, and handsomer than all the mere mortal men around him. The point is that we are not seeing him for who he truly is. We are seeing him as we want him to be. We are blinded by our physical reactions. Because we had a certain physical response, we assume it must be love, and that he must be the man of our dreams.

The problem occurs when we jump into a relationship based on our emotional response without taking the time to investigate. It’s almost like we have a little mental checklist. We say, “Wow, he’s cute…check.” “My body desires him…check.” “He likes me…check. That’s enough: Let’s go!” And away we go, off to Heartbreak Land. And then, because we believe we have been called by fate, we may spend years trying to fix the relationship. We tell ourselves that, since our “attraction alarm” went off, he has to be “the one.” After the initial excitement wears off, and things begin to go awry, we try everything we know to figure out the magical formula to make this relationship work.

I have shelves full of magazines telling me what kind of lipstick to buy and which kinds of clothes to wear. I have bought books with titles like How to Turn Him On and Keep Him and How to Get Him to Marry You. I’ve spent countless lonely and frustrated evenings wondering what was wrong with me. I have felt stuck and thwarted. After all, I knew from the start that he was the one, and if he would only realize it himself, we both could live happily ever after. I have believed the problem was that he just didn’t understand his role. The last thing that would have occurred to me was that the relationship was doomed from the start because of my broken picker.

A broken picker is similar to a broken global positioning system (GPS) in a car. If the GPS is malfunctioning in your car, you will not arrive at the destination you seek. No matter what you do, you will end up in the wrong place. The GPS needs to be reprogrammed. Changing the “input” (such as the color of our lipstick or the way we dress, dye our hair, or prepare a romantic meal) changes nothing. Temporarily, it may appear we are heading in the right direction, but in the end we discover we are lost again. Our internal GPS (Guy Picking System) is very similar to an automotive GPS. It can malfunction, too.

HOW DO YOU KNOW FOR SURE THAT YOUR PICKER IS BROKEN?

You may suspect, if you’ve read this far, that your picker is broken. You can tell for sure by the men you attract and are attracted to. The men may differ physically and have other very different characteristics, but the bottom line is always the same—pain. To help you decide whether you have a broken picker that is keeping you in heartbreak instead of helping you achieve your heart’s desire, please take a look at these “types” of men who attract women whose pickers are broken. Of course, these are admittedly stereotypes, and as such are generalities. They are not meant to denigrate men as a gender or as individuals. But they are offered as types, to help you examine your own experiences and relationships against them. You may recognize some of the dancers in this ballet. (And I am sure you can add some more of your own.)

1.Hit-and-Run

You can spot this type easily by the mattress that appears to be strapped to his back. He is confident and sexy and knows it. His hair is perfect, his smell alluring, and his body is rock-hard. He has the uncanny ability to sweep you off your feet…and flat onto your back. As soon as he walks into the room your knees begin to weaken. He’s the one you know you should stay away from.

This is a man who loves women…he’ll tell you so at every opportunity. And it’s true, he does love women—he loves women the way a cat loves birds. He’s Hugh Hefner personified, strutting around in his smoking jacket. You are repulsed, yet strangely attracted. You know if you get attached it will mean heartbreak, but you still find yourself compelled. You rationalize, “I’ll just use HIM for sex. It will be different with me. I’m a big girl. I know what I’m doing.”

Afterward, you wonder what happened. You may have been warned by your friends—you may even have been warned by his friends. You knew that you knew better. And yet you still wake up one day in his bed. The excitement of this type of man is fleeting. Too late you realize he was operating according to a law known only to him, one that states: Once the conquest is completed, the game is over. You end up hobbling away from this type of man feeling bruised and foolish. And him? Like the song says, he’s “already gone.”

2.The Teflon Don Juan

This man is the most frustrating. He appears to want a relationship, but then carefully shies away from it. His aversion is so subtle that it leaves you feeling bewildered. He just can’t seem to make a relationship stick. He will commit, but for only fifteen minutes at a time.

This man is confusing because he comes on very strong at first. He starts off burning hot, showering you with attention. But just as soon as he feels he has you, his attention wanes. He becomes a phone-o-phobe. He will call you (usually at 10:30 p.m. to see if he can come over), but don’t ever try to reach him. You will only get his voice mail. You’re his captive, patiently (or not so patiently) waiting for him to call. He doesn’t ever want to obligate himself by making plans. He says he will call you. Since he is the one you want to be with, you find yourself waiting for him…and waiting…and waiting. You spend hours wringing your hands, hoping he will call, and trying not to call him. You want to call, but you know you can’t call again. His cell phone has probably already registered the last fifteen times you tried, and you can’t bear to listen to his voice mail message one more time.

3.What Was I Thinking? (WWIT?)

You know this guy—you pull out some old school photos, and there he is, staring at you. Maybe he was dorky-looking or obviously clingy. At the time you thought he was so cute, so helpless; like a puppy. Then you woke up one day and smacked yourself on the side of the head, saying, “Oh, my God, what was I thinking?” Most likely you were not thinking. Or perhaps you interpreted his “dorkiness” or neediness as a sign that he needed you to change his life. Perhaps this man fed your illusion of your own importance. Or maybe he made you feel that somehow this relationship was going to make your life better. You ignored any signs to the contrary. We have the capacity to go to bed wildly in love, but wake up, look over, see the head on the next pillow, and scream (inwardly, of course), “WHAT WAS I THINKING?”

4.The Savior

The white knight, our savior, our knight in shining armor—there are many ways to describe this man, but the bottom line is that he has come to save us. He has come to rescue us from our dreary, tedious, mundane existence and whisk us off to Happily-Ever-After-Land. We love the Savior; he is here to provide us with much-needed shelter from a cruel and harsh world. We tend to find him charging in after a breakup or some other emotional anguish we’ve been through.

The Savior helps us heal; he is exactly what we need in order to recover. He provides us with warmth, protection, and comfort. He’s wonderful. We love our Savior…for a time. We wish we could stay with him forever, but something happens. Slowly and subtly, our attention wanes. Where once we felt protected, we begin to feel smothered. Where once we felt comforted, we begin to feel restless, and where we once felt warm, we begin to get cold. So much perfection leaves us…bored. We start to wonder things like…is this it? Is this all there is? We start noticing other men and even picking fights, just to spice things up in our perfect world. Eventually we leave our Savior, sometimes in the middle of the night. Sometimes we even run away, directly to the waiting arms of his opposite.

5.The Scoundrel

This man is mysterious, exciting, and sexy as hell. There is an element of danger in being with him. Maybe he’s a biker or a James Bond type. You imagine being on the back of his bike, or sitting beside him in his sports car, the wind tossing your hair, causing a rush of adrenaline. He’s different, not one of those boring, everyday guys. You wouldn’t find him in a pair of baggy shorts, cutting the grass on the weekend. No, he has more exciting things to do.

Wherever you find excitement, you will find the Scoundrel. He could be the lead singer in a band, a private investigator, or a millionaire playboy. Whatever and whoever he is, he takes your breath away. He makes you feel vulnerable, and you follow him subserviently, like a little lost puppy dog. But you soon find out he has a dark, hard, hidden coat of armor.

We wonder what happened to make him the way he is. Maybe he was hurt; maybe his mother didn’t love him. We know there is a soft, sweet, loving man underneath that hard exterior somewhere. You tell yourself you can find him. He is just misunderstood and needs love. Your love. You are convinced that if you just love him enough, you (and only you) can melt that protective shell. So you spend the next two years beating your head against the rock wall he’s constructed around his heart. He makes you crazy. He may even cause you to become obsessive, checking up on him, even stalking him. It’s a long, arduous, unfulfilling, painful relationship. Finally, it ends, when he empties the bank account and runs off with a stripper. (Or worse, your best friend.)

6.Red Flag

Like a matador in a bullring who waves a red cape, the Red Flag man attracts our attention with the very thing that should repel us. Like the puzzled bull who charges toward the red cape, we race toward the Red Flag man when in reality we should run the other way. And like the bull, we don’t really understand why we charge.

Just as the matador (which translates to killer in English, maybe appropriately in this instance) steps away at the last second, sweeping his red cape aside to reveal a deadly surprise, Red Flag man often has an unpleasant surprise in store for us. Undeterred, we regroup and charge, again and again, until, bloodied, dusty, and defeated, we are left to shake our heads as our matador, Red Flag man, leaves the ring, unscathed. The next time we see “red” we will run the other way. (Well…we at least tell ourselves we will.)

7.Great Potential

This is the man who is not quite right, but we see his potential. Maybe he drinks too much or doesn’t have a job. Maybe he has a job, but he could have a better job. We tell ourselves that with our guidance we can make him better. We can teach him how to clean up after himself, we can push him to become more than he presently is. We’ll use love and gentle persuasion to coax him into a better life where he will achieve his true potential.

If the gentle persuasion doesn’t work, we may try manipulation or force. Sometimes we nag and pester—for his own good, of course. After all, we just want him to be the best he can be. We ignore the fact that our actions scream, “You are not acceptable as you are.” He begins to resent us, resisting all our good intentions. (And after all we’ve done for him.) We push forward even harder, to the point of exasperation. Eventually he leaves. We are bewildered. We feel abandoned, used, and unappreciated. (We may have even put him through medical school, only to be left on the day he graduates.) We gave it all we had and got nothing in return. He probably left us for someone “who understood him better” than we did. (Probably someone who looked up to him, giving him what he “needed to make him feel more like a man.”)

Or, maybe, just maybe, we gave up on our little project and asked him to leave. We went off to find someone more appreciative of our benevolence.

8.He’s a Sugar Cookie

This heartbreaker is so sweet and yummy, we could just eat him up. We look at him as if we are staring at a bakery window, wanting and salivating, imagining what it will be like when we get home with our treat. Just like a bake-shop cookie, he is delicious and satisfying for the moment, but is not good for us in the long run. The problem with the Sugar Cookie is that he doesn’t reciprocate.

His love is equivalent to sweet, empty calories—nonnutritious and ultimately bad for us.

But we do love our Sugar Cookie so much, we can’t believe he’s just throwing us saccharine crumbs. So we make excuses for him, saying, “Oh, he’s so sweet, he’s just scared.” Our girlfriends tell us to give him time. We fear if we push him too hard he will crumble. So we wait and hope, taking whatever little morsel he decides to mete out to us. Even if we decide we deserve more, it is difficult to let go of the allure of the Sugar Cookie.

We may decide we are going to get healthy. Yes, we are going to stop our cookie consumption and find a more nourishing diet. But when we try to leave, we go through sugar withdrawal. The obsessive thoughts begin. We forget how unhealthy our diet has been, and only remember how warm and sweet and scrumptious it was to be with our Sugar Cookie. The obsessive craving draws us back to him. The next thing we know, we are on another wild sugar binge.

And so we end up feeling fat, stupid, and ashamed of our behavior. We walk away feeling bewildered, because he looked so good, seemed so sweet. How could we have ever known he would be so bad for us? The Sugar Cookie can be the most painful of all. He can do a number on our minds, bodies, and souls. To stay healthy and fit we must stay away from those unhealthy sweets.

GNAWING ACHES

These men are all different, and your situation may be different too. But they all have one thing in common: pain—the pain of elusive and unachievable happiness. You go to bed at night with a gnawing ache that constantly questions, “Why me? What am I doing wrong?” Or you feel that piercing sting whenever you see a happy couple. You wonder what the secret is. You may even have bought a relationship self-help book— maybe a whole stack of them—in your search for answers. Maybe you even followed their advice to the letter, changing your shoes, your makeup, your toothpaste, and deodorant. Maybe you even changed what you say and how you say it. But you have still found love to be elusive.

A broken picker is frustrating. Just when you think you are on the brink of happiness, it rears its ugly head, and you are off and running, pursuing fate’s latest call. Like a cruel joke, your broken picker has a way of thwarting any long-term contentment, expressing itself in a slightly different form each time. In our search to find a relationship, we may actually find someone who is willing and able to provide us with what we want—we may circumvent our broken picker and find a suitable partner once in a while. But since we still have the unresolved pain of a broken picker, we can end up sabotaging even the best relationship. We’re doomed to heartbreak instead of achieving our heart’s desire, as the following example demonstrates.

Yvette had been dating Steve for a few months. Things seemed to be going well, but she was becoming moody. She tried to brush off the feelings and focus on the “good stuff ” about their budding relationship. A landmark birthday was coming up and she was looking forward to doing something fun. Steve asked what she would like to do, and Yvette replied that she wanted to go parasailing. She had never done it before and thought it would be exciting. What better way to celebrate this special time?

Steve had been married before, and had two children who lived in a different state. He would see his children periodically during the holidays and for one week in the summer. It just so happened that Yvette’s birthday was going to fall during the week that Steve had the children with him. Steve realized that this was an important day for Yvette and wanted to do something nice—and to include everyone. Yvette had misgivings, but demurred. After all, if they were going to create a life together, as Yvette hoped, this was going to be a great opportunity for her to begin forming a relationship with his children.

As the date approached, their plans began to unravel. Steve’s children didn’t want to parasail; they wanted to travel down to Key West. The revised, kid-friendly plan was to leave early in the morning and drive the three hours to the Keys, spend the day jet-skiing and snorkeling, and then drive home—but Yvette really didn’t want to spend most of her birthday in the car. Plus, her birthday was on a Sunday. She knew the outing would be exhausting. They’d get home late, and Yvette was dreading getting up for work on Monday morning. Her attitude was quickly becoming negative.

On Saturday night, Steve called Yvette to finalize their plans. He said his daughters wanted to ride on his motorcycle, so he was going to ride the bike while Yvette drove the truck. That was the final straw. “It’s my birthday!” she thought, and she was not going to be able to do any of the things that she had wanted to do. If she went along with Steve and his children’s plans, she would be spending most of the day driving, and to top it all off, he wasn’t even going to be in the truck with her. She heard the words come flying out of her mouth. She wanted to take them back just as quickly as she said them, but it was too late: “I’m not going!” Alarmed and frustrated, Steve said, “Fine!” and hung up.

Yvette stared at the phone in disbelief. What just happened? She tried calling back, but only got Steve’s voice mail. He had tried to deal with her growing negativity, but he had had enough. Yvette started crying to the answering machine, and begging God to allow her to take her words back. She hadn’t meant it…she’d only wanted him to know she was important. Had that been so much to ask for? Eventually Steve did answer his phone; his voice was harsh and annoyed. Yvette apologized, and told him she hadn’t really meant what she’d said. He relented, and they “agreed” the outing would take place as the kids and Steve had planned, and with Yvette’s participation—but the damage had been done. That night Yvette tried to sleep, but spent the night crying, tossing, and turning. When morning arrived she was in no shape to go on the trip. She called Steve and declined again. She would be spending her birthday alone. Yvette’s birthday was a painful example of self-sabotage.

IT’S MY PARTY AND I’LL CRY IF I WANT TO...

If Yvette’s situation sounds like the ideal way to spend your birthday, please stop reading now. If you would rather drive around with a baseball bat on a Saturday night, looking for “his” car, don’t continue any further. If unavailable men and obsessive relationships are your idea of a great time, please step away from this book. But if you are ready to put an end to dead-end relationships, heartaches, and misery, I’ve got great news for you. There’s a solution, a way to jump off this merry-go-round of unfulfilling relationships. You can have the love you want. You can have a happy and healthy relationship, free from self-sabotage. There is, I assure you, a cure for a broken picker.