Читать книгу Hate Me Now, Thank Me Later: How to raise your kid with love and limits - Dr. Berman Robin - Страница 12

“Parents today are befriending their kids rather than taking their position of authority. Kids today are looking for leadership. It is nice to look up to someone bigger, stronger, and wiser than you.”

—Ellen Basian, PhD, psychologist

Being your children’s friend puts you on an equal playing field. The problem is, the playing field should not be equal. If we befriend our children, we are tipping the balance of power once again. If you are a friend and not a parent, then your child is left an orphan. Psychologist and author Wendy Mogel gets right to the heart of it: “Your children don’t need two more tall friends. They have their own friends, all of whom are cooler than you. What they need are parents.”

As a psychiatrist, I often hear from patients who longed for their parents to step up. One of my patients, Jill, had a mum who desperately wanted to be cool. She would serve alcohol to Jill’s friends when they were underage, blast her daughter’s favorite music while driving in the car, and dress to look hip. The mum was taken aback when Jill, by then twenty-five, asked her to join us in my office for a therapy session.

The mum began, “Jill, you are my best friend and you have always been since you were a little girl; I don’t understand what went wrong.”

Jill looked at her mum with tears in her eyes and said, “Mum, you tried so hard to be my friend. I have a lot of friends, but you only get one mother. I did not want your friendship, I wanted your mothering.”

This point cannot be overstated. Children need and want parents. If done right, parenting will make you periodically unpopular. Take your lead from great leaders. Look how kind history is to world leaders who take a firm stand on doing what is right, even though it might mean being very unpopular at the time.

One great dad learned how limits make children feel safe. His son had lost his mum when he was a toddler. Jay had never known the love of an adoring mother, and, as a result, his father felt terrible and spoiled him. His father never gave him any consequences for bad behavior.

Ten-year-old Jay pitched a fit in a video store. He wanted to see a PG-13 movie that his father deemed inappropriate. Jay had a tantrum, a true fit replete with kicking and screaming on the floor. I had been working with his father on setting limits and sticking to them, but until this point, he had not had the courage to implement them. Finally the father’d had enough and calmly told Jay that they were going home without a video. Jay cried all the way home. About an hour later, the boy seemed euphoric, laughing and joking with his dad. Jay turned to his father and asked, “If I didn’t get my video, why do I feel so happy?”

“Rules give kids comfort and confidence.”

—Judy Mansfield, elementary school teacher

“Discipline and boundaries are a way of loving your child.”

—Mother of two

You must do what you know deep down to be right, even if it means tolerating a brief drop in your poll numbers. Children are not supposed to understand all your motivations. You are the one with experience, wisdom, and perspective—a perspective that kids just do not have.

We need to be able to hold a loving space for our child’s anger, hurt feelings, and disappointments. We need to stay the course in the throes of our kid’s stormy emotions. Go ahead, cut loose, free yourself from fears of being the bad guy. Tolerate disapproval today and I can assure you that history will be kind to you.

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he learned in seven years.”

—Mark Twain

Hate Me Now, Thank Me Later

1. Parenting is a benevolent dictatorship. Rules make kids feel safe.

2. Don’t be emotionally bullied by your child. Emotionally wimpy parenting leads to emotionally fragile kids.

3. A child who has too much power often becomes anxious.

4. Catering to your child’s every whim can lead to a child who is self-centered and lacks resilience.

5. Look long-term at a child who hasn’t faced consequences for behavior and, therefore, never learned accountability: Would you want to date this person as an adult?

6. If you say “If you do that one more time,” mean it. Consistent follow-through is essential for a child’s emotional safety and your sanity.

7. Keep your eye on the long-term goal of raising a lovely child. Remember your mantra: hate me now, thank me later.

8. Talk less, give fewer choices, keep it simple. Less is clearly more.

9. When you say no, mean it.

10. Reverse negotiate. The more they argue, the less they get. It works like a charm.