Читать книгу Hate Me Now, Thank Me Later: How to raise your kid with love and limits - Dr. Berman Robin - Страница 16

In The Gift of an Ordinary Day, the author Katrina Kenison writes about the preciousness of time and how quickly it passes.

Somehow our treasured family ritual of reading together at bedtime slipped away. No one asked for stories anymore. Baths were replaced by showers. ... Baseballs stopped flying in the backyard. A bedroom door that had always been open, quietly closed. ... I missed my old world and its funny little inhabitants, those great big personalities still housed in small, sweet bodies. I missed my sons’ kissable cheeks and round bellies, their unanswerable questions, their innocent faith, their sudden tears and wild, infectious giggles.

Soak it up while it is happening because it is gone too soon. Spend time. Make memories. Experience every moment you can. Give that gift to yourself and to your children.

I once read: “Kids spell love T-I-M-E.” We need to put time into childhood—slow, present time. From a psychiatrist’s standpoint, errors of omission are tough to forgive. Remember Harry Chapin’s song “Cat’s in the Cradle.” It’s hard to shake the memory and pain of absence. How we prioritize our time sends a clear message to our kids about what we value.

“I can promise you that no social engagement is as important as the one you have with your kids at home.”

—Bobbi Brown, cosmetics guru

We can’t farm out parenting to others, or to activities and electronic distractions. Our kids need to feel our real presence in their little lives. You don’t get a pass on this.

“Parenting cannot be outsourced.”

—Marc Weissbluth, MD, pediatrician and author

On the first day of elementary school, Ray Michaud, a principal for thirty-six years, begins his speech to the parents: “As much as possible, clear your calendar. These are special, formative years; these are the years your kids want to be with you. Trust me; you won’t want to miss them, they don’t come back.”

These are the years when your kids ask for one more bedtime story, for one more moment of watching them color, for you to stay in their room and snuggle one minute longer. Do.

“So here are the things I do ... things that don’t come naturally to me ... things I could easily take a pass on, but I don’t. I do these things—not because I enjoy them—but because someone very important to me does....

“I watch her lip-synch Taylor Swift music videos—not because I like to hear ‘We are Never Ever Getting Back Together’ ten bazillion times—but because the facial expressions she makes are indescribable, and I want to remember them when I am eighty years old.”

—Rachel Macy Stafford, handsfreemama.com

In interview after interview, parents talked about how spending time makes their children feel so loved. People carry with them always the small, daily acts of love. A few extras go a long way, too.

“I was a single mum, exhausted, working full-time and raising my two kids. It was a cold winter’s night, and I had just read the story Owl Moon to my daughter.

“ ‘How come we never go out at night owling?’ she asked.

“What went through my mind was that I am exhausted and could barely make it through reading a story about owling, let alone go out on a cold winter’s night, but I decided to make a grand mummy gesture. I bundled my kids up in their winter clothes and took them in the car to chase the moon. We drove about twenty minutes until we found an open field and parked. We sat in the car, staring at the moon.

“I will never forget the feeling of being with my kids, bundled up together and gazing at the starry sky. In retrospect, I wish I had spent more nights chasing the moon.”

—Mother of two

The Parenting Pendulum
Old School	Today’s Trends	New Middle
Punitive dictator	Anarchy/kids rule	Benevolent leader
Harsh discipline	No discipline	Calm, clear, loving limits
Neglect	Hovering	Secure attachment
Naughty chair	Time-out	Peace chair
Shaming words	Sugarcoated speech	Choosing words with grace
Children seen and not heard	Only children are heard	Acknowledge children’s feelings but maintain your leadership

The Strength of the Bond

1. You want to inspire and teach, not punish or shame.

2. Take a parental time-out. Put some space in between what’s annoying you and your response.

3. Consequences teach accountability.

4. Calm, clear, consistent limits create an alliance. Setting limits thoughtfully is a way to love your child.

5. Discipline teaches children self-discipline.

6. Show empathy for your child’s struggle. Empathy defuses big emotions. Remember you are on the same team, working together to grow a great child.

7. When you are calm, you teach your children that they, too, can regulate their emotions—you show them how. That grows a more resilient brain.

8. Choose language with care. Shaming words are toxic and erode children’s self-confidence and self-worth.

9. How you talk to your kids is how your kids will talk to themselves. You are the voice in their heads.

10. Childhood’s greatest legacy is how we felt loved.