Читать книгу Ze Germans - fadi gaziri - Страница 15

Of course, this is a German governmental office, so there’s no option but to speak German, but to be kind I’ve translated the options for you. The tick box options are as follows, from top to bottom:

• Application by driving schools (cash payment)

• Residence parking permit

• Driver’s license: General services

• Driver’s license: Redistribution after withdrawal

• Driver’s license: Special services

• Car permit (deregistration and change of address) online on the internet or by email

• Car permit (deregistration, short-term identification and more)

• Car permit (registration, reregistration and more)

• Red license plates (services of all LBV locations)

• Red license plates (services only in HH-North)

• Red license plate (new vehicle license plates, all LBV locations)

• Driving instructor matters

Last week, I got a fist full of German bureaucracy smacked in my mouth, and it was quite an ordeal — not so much for myself, but for my wife. The whole reason for going there was to get a residence permit renewed. As a South African national, my wife has already been in Germany for a year. Unaccustomed to the German system, she was already freaking out a week before our appointment. However, being a trained lawyer, she prepared as best as she could, spending days photocopying the necessary documents and endlessly checking over the list of stuff she was supposed to bring with her. She even copied the stuff that I was supposed to bring with me, like my passport and the rental agreement — just in case. ‘Freelance musician’ is never a great title to have on your job description. This is particularly the case when going to the banks to ask for a loan, or to any institution where your income to expenditure ratio is of importance. And, in this particular case, it was essential.

Due to the coronavirus restrictions, the office was by appointments only. The sterile, spacious waiting room was full of empty chairs, with every second chair taped up in order to maintain the social distancing rule. After waiting for less than five minutes our number was lit up on the board, and we proceeded to room number 22. A heavyset case worker in his mid-thirties with a full hipster beard and glasses was typing away at his desk, and without so much as moving an eyebrow, he spoke to us in a calm, controlled, firm manner — one that has been instilled into his DNA after years of working for the state. He spoke fast with very little intonation, and in German, of course: “And what are you here for?” Gulp! This was enough to set the tone for the meeting, and immediately my seventeen years of experience in Germany told me that this was going to be a tooth and nail battle.

A common misconception often held by expats in Germany is the idea that the first and foremost prerogative of government employees is to help the country’s residents. If you use that as a logical starting point for all your deliberations then you’ve already lost the battle. In actual fact, at the very top of their list is the oath to preserve and uphold the law and the legislation of the Bundesrepublik, its core values, and the wellbeing of its citizens. Carefully note the order in which these words are written. The state and its laws come first and second, followed by its citizens.

Trying to be as calm as I could, I explained what we had come for, and put the pile of documents, neatly stacked, on the table. I also explained that my wife spoke very little German, and begged his understanding. The case worker didn’t say a word, and instead began examining the documents carefully, his gaze flicking rapidly between the pile and his computer screen. He then turned to me and said that he needed a different photo of my wife. According to him, the one we gave him was identical to the one used on her old residence permit. Having examined the website and every single line of its font size ten print, I retorted that the website stated the photo can be as old as twelve months. To this, he responded that the information on the website was out of date. End of argument. Whichever way you twist it, you lose. Trying to use logic and reason will get you nowhere. The natural thing would be to think how absurd this is, for, if you can’t get the correct information on the website, then how on earth are you supposed to figure this out?! At that moment, the case worker sensed for the first time that he might have gone too far and pointed us in the direction of a photo booth, which, luckily, was located on the premises. However, this particular gambit did not end there, as my wife, having understood what the problem was, protested, pointing out that indeed the photo in question was not the same: her hair was clearly a different length. She had only had the photo taken in February for her driving license, thus it could not be more than six months old.

Having realized his mistake, he eventually conceded, but without apologizing or acknowledging this, he simply moved onto the next part — the integration course. He asked for evidence that this had been completed. I said that we didn’t have any evidence, after which a long pause ensued. He then said that having a certificate of completion was a prerequisite for getting a residence permit. My facial muscles tightened, but I knew that information wasn’t correct, so I calmly rebuffed his attack by saying that only an unlimited visa requires the certificate. And, since my wife was applying for a three-year permit, she was not required to provide the course certificate. He left the room — probably to confirm with his colleague — and returned confirming my statement, once again, apology accepted.

1.12 A little note about the Anglo Saxons:

“In situations where people sit around and wait in silence, the most natural thing for an Anglo-Saxon would be to try to form a bond between oneself and the person on the opposite side. They try to establish a friendly rapport, lighten the mood, tell a joke, ask about the weather, football, really anything to break the ice and the uncomfortable situation they find themselves in. If this, is you, then you must summon all your self-control and resist the urge to do anything of the sort? As you will soon come to realize (and we will discuss this at length in the next chapter), Germans aren’t big on small talk. So, the German civil servant will see this mindless chatter as a nuisance, an attempt to distract him from his perilous and important task, and this will cause the opposite effect of the one you intended. You’ve been warned. Now back to the story.”

It was quite apparent that the civil servant assigned to us was displeased at not being able to unravel his victims to the point of agony and despair, but he did have one more trick up his sleeve. The final attack — the winner takes it all kind of round — was the financial statement. He spent the next ten minutes asking various questions and setting various traps, just to see if his victims would react. In most cases, people do not expect an ambush and begin to panic, wondering what is going to happen if they do not get the residence permit, the choices they are left with, and the worst-case scenarios. However, in cases like these, you need to be like a defendant in a courtroom — maintain your calm composure — and be prepared for an onslaught from the prosecutor. The last thing you want is to show that you are affected by this, go on the defensive, or worst of all — get emotional and start babbling at random, clutching at straws.

After typing furiously on his computer for several minutes, he looked over and said that the numbers didn’t add up, and that based on the financial information we had provided, he would not be able to issue a permit. BAM! There it was, the German Luftwaffe had delivered its final blow, and the effect tore through my poor wife’s nervous system. She was visibly shell shocked. In her mind, she was already sitting on the repatriation flight to South Africa, saying goodbye to her husband. Her German adventure had come to an abrupt end.

A lot of people would have argued, in view of the fact that we were then sitting in the middle of a global pandemic, that perhaps the financial situation should be reassessed, and that it would be a bit rich for the government to deport people in such tough times. But this means absolutely nothing to a case worker, whose prime objective — as we have described above — is to preserve the German law and act upon it. My response was calm and friendly. I offered to show him my bank statements, which proved we had enough money to sustain ourselves for the duration of the residence permit, i.e., the next three years. Game, set and match! He looked at the statements and then began typing again without uttering a single word. Another five minutes passed, an eternity. A denied application would mean that we would have a week to appeal, would have to cancel our holiday, instead spending that time visiting the various Amts, and filling out paperwork until our fingers bled.

To our relief, the case worker confirmed the amount was sufficient (in actual fact it was more than ten times sufficient), and that a permit would be issued. All that was left was to pay the admin fee and get as far away from that place as possible. My wife told me on the way out that she felt like drinking a whole bottle of vodka. To add insult to injury, she also told me that the case worker actually spoke perfect English, having conversed quite fluently with her after the meeting had ended. Welcome to German bureaucracy, I thought to myself.

1.13 Dos and Don’ts:

• Do not, under any circumstances, resort to jokes, irony, or — worse — sarcasm. This will be seen as a direct attack on the person opposite you and they will do everything in their power to make your time there as miserable as possible.

• Make sure that you’ve read literally everything about the subject ahead of your appointment, and by that I do not only mean the official information on the government website, but also the various expat forums on the internet.

• Make sure you’re familiar with the vocabulary and the jargon relevant to your case. A word like Aufenthaltserlaubnis is only the beginning of your vocab list. Also consider any compound words ending with –bescheinigung, –nachweis, –bestätigung and –titel, whose meanings will torment you during your many sleepless nights ahead of your appointment.

• Remember, the people at the government offices are not intrinsically there to help you. Do not expect them to empathize with you, or put themselves in your shoes.

• Always use a formal address to the case worker — the Sie form (more on this in a later chapter). It doesn’t matter if they are younger than you, or if they are wearing shorts and t-shirt with the words counterstrike written on the front.3 Remember, they have been trained to keep a distance from their clients.

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3-A popular first-person shooter game that every millennial male has spent their youth playing.