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and anyone suspected of taking the piss will only invoke hostility, rather than smiles.

Only recently, I was at Hamburg airport going through security, and a very polite gentleman working on the x-ray scanner asked me to empty all my pockets into the tray, take my laptop out of its case, and place it in a separate tray. He had a facial expression I can only describe as that of someone who is really dying to go for a big Thomas tit (cockney rhyme slang for going for a number two), but can’t because it isn’t the end of their shift yet. He asked me if I had any liquids on me — basically the usual spiel you get at airport security that most of us have probably been through a gazillion times before. When he asked me to take off my top and my belt, I put on my usual cheeky smirk and asked if I was allowed to keep my underwear. His reaction was quite dramatic: he looked at me with hatred and shouted, “Wollen Sie mich verarschen?” — as in, “Are you taking the piss??” I was mortified. It made me feel as though I had really offended him, as though, instead of poking fun in a subliminal attempt to cheer him up, what I had actually asked him was, “Can I sleep with your sister?” Of course, in retrospect, he probably was just tired of hearing the same joke for the umpteenth time.

With that in mind, I’ve compiled the ten commandments of ‘Dos and Don’ts’, if you want to make any German friends. (Unfortunately, I could only come up with eight, but ten sounds more meaningful).

1.3 The dos and don’ts if you want to make German friends

• Do not use wit or sarcasm; it will never be understood

• If you do tell a joke, be sure to say, “That was a joke,” immediately after. Be prepared to explain the joke if they don’t seem to get it.

• There is no friendly way of taking the piss out of Germans; just don’t do it.

• A good conversation starter is to talk about your health problems, your doctor’s appointment, or the latest insurance policy you have taken out.

• If somebody is telling you about how they had to call in sick and go to the doctor because they had a runny nose or a sore throat, do not — whatever you do — mock them. Be understanding and compassionate. Throw in words like, “Ach du armer!” (Poor you!) or “Gute Besserung” (Get well soon!)

• When another person is talking, be attentive and show empathy, for instance by mimicking their facial expressions. Paraphrase their responses when it’s your turn, and never interrupt or interject when the other person is talking.

• When asked a question, be informative, precise, elaborate, and serious. Do not offer short or wishy-washy answers like, “Could be better” or “Yeah, alright”.

• Make appointments with your friends, and be on time! I can’t stress this one enough.