Читать книгу Ze Germans - fadi gaziri - Страница 19

Call agent: That is what I need. It’s zeros because it was

most likely reset.

Me: Ah, I see.

Call agent: What’s the number?

Me: Well, we just established it’s zeroed out, didn’t we?

Call agent: Ah yes, that is correct!

Call agent: What is the make of the car?

Me: Audi A3, Limousine

Call agent: What was the year of first registration?

Me: I think 2016.

Call agent: What is the size of the engine?

Me: Let me check, I think it’s 1.8.

Call agent: No, I can’t find a vehicle on the system with those specifications.

Me (Feeling like an army cadet being drilled by the lieutenant, nervous sweating, and dreading the next question): So what do you suggest?

Call agent: There’s nothing I can do, unless you give me correct information!

Me (Fuming, pushed to the point that would stretch the patience of even a Zen Buddhist, but not prepared to ruin a whole day’s work, so summoning all the patience I have left): Okay, so try putting in 2015 as the year of first registration.

Call agent: No, that doesn’t come up with anything on the system either.

Me (Noticing how the customer has now become the agent):

Ok, how about putting in 1.79 as the engine size?

Call agent: Okay, we have the vehicle on our system.

I’m going to spare you the rest of this conversation, but you get the idea. I guess the point I’m trying to make here is twofold: Firstly, in Germany you have to be an expert in everything, if you want to get anywhere. And secondly — there is a break somewhere in the relationship between the largescale companies and the end customer. A missing link, if you like, or perhaps even lack of understanding that the customers are the ones who ultimately pay your wages. In the next chapter I’ll examine it from the other end of the schtick, as we delve into the German workplace.

In most first world countries, and even in economically developing countries, if you’re unhappy with the person on the other end of the phone, you can ask to speak to a supervisor, which is to say you’ve had enough of incompetence of the customer service agent, and you want to push the matter further up the food chain. If that’s your expectation, then you’re in for a real shock! In Germany there is no other level. The buck stops with the call agent, and if you feel that you’re getting nowhere, you have no option but to put the phone down and spend the next thirty minutes or so looking through the guidelines for a written complaints procedure on the company’s website. On a positive note, once you’ve filled out an online complaints form, rest assured, somebody will get in touch with you sooner or later (with emphasis on the latter).

A word of advice: If you decide to complain to somebody on the receiving end, do not use polite allusions, and soft conditional verbs, by which I mean phrases like ‘might be’ or ‘could have’. Instead, be as strongly worded as you possibly can. Use phrases like “Das geht gar nicht!” (That’s absolutely not on), or “Wollen Sie mich verarschen?” (Are you taking the piss?), both of which German’s love using in such situations.

If you come from a country like the US, the UK, Australia, South Africa, Eastern or Central Europe, Russia, or