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1.15 Phoning customer service (and why it’s not such a good idea)

If you’ve had a bad day at work and you want to come home and relax, there are several things you could do. You could, for example, listen to Daniel Powter’s onehitwonder Bad Day, or you could take a relaxing bath — provided you are privileged enough to have one. You could do many different things which involve various degrees of enjoyment.

One thing is not on that list: phone your phone company (or for that matter, any other customer service number located in Germany). In general, dealing with what passes for ‘customer service’ in Germany is the least desirable activity I can think of — outdone only by things like taking a number two in an airport toilet, or taking apart a blocked drainpipe in the kitchen. In this day and age, with the emergence of technology, help bots, and real-time chat assistants offered by all major corporations, people are generally reluctant to pick up the phone, especially to dial some 0800 number, posed with the prospect of being in a queue and talking to a complete stranger. To elaborate further, let’s have a reality check: nobody calls anyone anymore. If you want to get in touch with your mates, you WhatsApp them, or voice note them. This is particularly true of millennials. If a phone rings, this generation does not have a clue what to do.

My point is — these recent technological developments have fundamentally altered human behaviour and thus become habitual. Subsequently, they have had a direct effect on the world of business. In fact, most customer friendly companies have embraced the changes and adapted to them, offering alternate options to customers, because they “still view happy customers as being quintessential to a successful business.” Alas, these business practices do not apply in Germany — especially not to the large multinationals. “What a shame”, as Gordon Ramsey would say. Indeed, to put it mildly, Germany lags behind other countries when it comes to customer service. If I were to give it world ranking, I would probably put it somewhere between 190th and 192nd place (out of 195-smirk).

So, what is it exactly that is so bad with the German customer service?

To answer this question with an example, I have included a transcript of my most recent encounter with an employee at a car insurance company. I’ve added annotations to explain how each point contributed to my total psychological meltdown. If you’d like to read the interaction in detail, you can refer to the transcript below. If, however, you have an aversion to frustrating situations and willfully unhelpful people, you can skip to the next chapter.

Reason for calling: I was at the department of motor and traffic — known as the Verkehrsamt — to register a car, but couldn’t get a permanent registration due to the fact that some documents were missing. So, instead, I had to get a provisional registration to cover me for a period of five days. I needed to call the insurance company to get that sorted. Little did I know what I was letting myself in for (cue ominous music).

Literal Transcript:

Call agent: Hello, Smith — my name, how may I help?

Me: Hello, Gaziri — my name, and I need to get provisional shortterm insurance for my car.

Call agent: Do you have a policy with our company?

Me: I did two years ago, but not anymore.

Call agent: Did you have a policy with anyone else in those two years?

Me: No, I didn’t have a vehicle.

Call agent: Ok.

Me: …

Call agent: What is the VIN number of the vehicle?

Me: Is that the long number beginning with letters?

Call agent: It’s also known as the type label (Typenschild) number.

Me: Ahm, I’m not sure what number that would be, I only have the long number here on the piece of paper. Call agent: In that case we can’t proceed.6

Me (Slightly put off by that answer): Okay, I think I got it, it’s W A U…

Call agent: I said it’s NUMBERS only!

Me (Breaking into a sweat): Ah okay, so I’ve got a number, but it’s only zeros.

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6 I’ve heard this ominous phrase so many times in the past. In German — “Da kommen wir nicht weiter”. It means, “We can’t help you“, and once you get to the stage where you hear it used in a conversation, you know that you’re really ‘up against it’.