Читать книгу Confident Teens: How to Raise a Positive, Confident and Happy Teenager - Gael Lindenfield, Gael Lindenfield - Страница 11

‘The turning point for me was the day that I heard my mother’s words coming out of my own mouth.’

parent in counselling

It is so easy to verbally put our foot in it with teenagers. Firstly, it is during their teen years that most children start, quite literally, to speak a different language. You will notice that they are using words and phrases that either you have never heard of or you have never heard used in that context. (It would be pointless for me to give you examples now because they would be out-of-date next week. Anyway, you will experience the phenomena very soon yourself!)

The way forward for better communication is not for you to start using their new language (as well-meaning parents often try to do). That’s the fast track to losing their respect – they will perceive you as being either patronizing or just plain silly. Also, they might well become annoyed with you because you are undermining something that they need to do. Their use of this new language (and laughing at your ‘antiquated’ expressions!) is an important way of differentiating themselves from you and your generation. Using it helps them to be accepted by their peers. Your challenge as a parent is to stay yourself without sounding like an unapproachable relic from the ark!

Secondly, this is a time when we might well start to use more unhelpful ‘auto-language’. This is the expression I use to refer to the words and phrases which come out of our mouths without our conscious consent! They are programmed responses, many of which we picked up in early childhood. The teenage years are a time when ‘Like mother, like daughter’ and ‘Like father, like son’ syndromes emerge in us in full force. You may have already heard your parent’s voice resounding through your own, possibly saying things to your children you always vowed you’d never say. This can be a very uncomfortable and disconcerting experience. Very few people whose confidence was dented by their own parents’ words want to inflict the same experience on their children. Most of us try very hard to do the exact opposite. But, unless you opt for a complete ‘brain-wash’, you are stuck for life with many of your auto-language responses. They were programmed into your brain at an early age and are therefore exceptionally hard to shift. There is always a danger that they will emerge, in spite of your ‘better self’, when you are highly stressed, over-tired or emotionally wounded. As all of these states are familiar to parents of teens, is it any wonder that you may sound more like your mum and dad during these years?!

But let’s not forget that not all our unwanted auto-language is inherited from our parents. We also pick up phrases and sayings that are commonly used in our surrounding culture. Many of these are relics from an age when ‘children were seen but not heard’. Because they are part of everyday language we may not notice when we are using them. Confident teenagers will dismiss them and make fun of them, but the not-so confident ones are at risk of being hurt by them.

But, let’s not despair too much. We still have a conscious mind and it can help us exert a great deal of control over the language we use.

The key to good communication is to stay yourself without sounding like an unapproachable relic from the ark!

Top Tips

• Play for time whenever you feel emotionally charged – this will help you to think before you speak. Before having any serious conversation with your teen, try to make a habit of taking time to de-stress yourself (see Rule 15 for tips on how to do this) and prepare what you are going to say.

• Keep it short and keep it simple – this is a tip taken straight from the mouths of all the leading communication gurus. The less ‘flowery’ your language, the less of those alienating and antiquated expressions you are likely to use.

• Make a ‘black list’ – write down the phrases that you heard your parents or teachers using that you want to avoid repeating. Add any unwanted clichés you may have picked up from living in the culture in which you grew up. Read through this list frequently for a month. This will fix the phrases in your conscious mind and you will become much more aware of when you are using them. If this doesn’t work, try showing the list to your teen and ask them to tell you when you use them. They will usually be more than happy to oblige!

• Avoid using ‘age labels’ – I certainly know I don’t like being lumped together with all ‘the middle-aged’ people in the world. But I know that I am still guilty of committing this ‘sin’ myself. (And yes, in a sense I have been doing it all the time throughout this book!)

But in face-to-face communication, I believe we should all make a conscious effort to try to avoid using these kinds of labels (direct or implied). They do little good for anyone’s self-esteem. So watch out for expressions, such as:

‘You teens…’

‘Your generation are…’

‘Just typical adolescent behaviour…’

‘You boys and your macho…’

‘Girls of your age today are just…’

‘It’s the hormones again!’

‘You and your friends, you’re all the same…’

‘Act your age…’

‘When you are our age you’ll realize…’

‘You think you’re so grown up but…’

‘You may be a teenager but…’

• Watch out for ‘tit for tat’ responses to exaggerations – teenagers are, of course, prone to using these. It is understandable that they will do so. Their emotions are so often on the boil and they frequently feel very insecure and powerless. Here are some examples:

‘Everything is a mess’

‘No-one ever listens to me’

‘This is the only chance I’ll ever get’

‘I’ll die if she doesn’t come’

‘You always say…’

‘Everyone else’s mother let’s them’

‘I can’t go in without it, he’ll crucify me’

‘My hair is a complete mess!’

It is also understandable that even the most rational, articulate parents often respond with similarly over-blown words and phrases. After all, we are also frequently feeling powerless and frustrated! When our brains pick up these emotive language cues either our hurt inner child or our controlling ‘auto-parent’ have a tendency to leap into similar action without our consent. As a result, you may (like the best of us!), find yourself using overstatements without even realizing that you are doing so. Ask your nearest and dearest to tell you when you say something like:

‘All you ever think about is you’

‘You are driving me to complete distraction’

‘How can you say that when we’ve sacrificed everything so that you could…’

‘Your mother never has a moment to herself, leave her alone’

‘Your father will have a heart attack if he finds out…’

• Cut, apologize for and rephrase the negative clichés – we all laugh at them when we hear them in sitcoms, but they are not so funny in real-life. They are one of the worst kind of put-downs. Their sarcasm cuts into self-esteem even if they are rapidly thrown back in our face (where indeed they deserve to be). And yet they get used generation after generation with very little modification.

Now that we live in an age which is more aware of the power of conditioning, we can stop the cycle. But you will find it hard, as indeed I did. Often the best we can hope for is that when we hear ourselves say them, we stop, say sorry and rephrase what we wanted to say. For example:

‘Is this what you call early?…Oh, sorry, that was unnecessarily sarcastic…Seriously, I have been very worried about you. You said you would be in early and I assumed that meant before 11.30.’

‘One day you’ll be sorry…the way you carry on, you’ll become a…Oh God, I sound like my father…sorry, that wasn’t very helpful, I was just sounding off because I am worried.’

‘So, that’s in fashion, is it?…Sorry, that’s a put-down. I was a bit taken aback, it looks odd to me, but then I am over 40!’

‘Oh, I see, that’s tidy – I didn’t realize…Sorry I shouldn’t be sarcastic. I know you have tidied it, but you have forgotten to remove the coffee mugs and your boots and coat are still on the chair.’

‘Whenever I come sailing in with a new hairstyle, I can read the disapproval on their faces, and I can be sure someone will ask what film star I’m trying to imitate. My reply that it is my own invention is greeted with cynicism.’

Anne Frank