Читать книгу Confident Teens: How to Raise a Positive, Confident and Happy Teenager - Gael Lindenfield, Gael Lindenfield - Страница 13

‘Conflict, although painful, can be the cutting edge of learning and growth – sometimes out of the breakdown of communication comes breakthrough.’

Sheila Munroe, Communicating with Your Teenager

However careful you are to make sure the rulebook is jointly agreed, there will always be some (or a great deal!) of conflict to resolve. In fact, I believe that it is impossible for any group of truly confident people to live under one roof without conflict. How can it be otherwise, when each person is so much an individual and everyone is fervently convinced that they have a right to stand up for their own particular beliefs and needs?

So, first and foremost it is important to accept that you are going to live in an argumentative atmosphere for some years to come.

Secondly, it is equally important to try to view this inevitability in a positive light. A good argument, after all, can be great fun and very stimulating. (Ask any member of the British parliament!) Most successful confident people whom I have met seize opportunities for a good debate. They know the value of well-managed conflict. They are not frightened by it because they have experienced how it can stretch their potential and encourage creative solutions to problems that could never have emerged without it. Even when the debate results in a ‘beg to differ’ resolution, if it has been well-managed, it often increases mutual respect and bonds participants more closely together. An interesting example of this is when a political minister retires and often he or she is praised by their political opponents. It is obvious that their opponents not only enjoyed the sparring over the parliamentary benches, they also admired them for standing up for what they believed in and were even able to maintain a personal friendship with them as well.

Of course there will be moments during or after conflict when you will feel quite low and despairing, but once you have given yourself a recuperative rest, aim to return to a positive attitude. Even if your child is not destined to enter into such an obviously conflict-laden lifestyle as politics, I am sure that you would want them to become the kind of adult who can confidently handle other kinds of life-battles and emerge with his or her respect intact. One way of ensuring that they will be able to do this is to give them plenty of negotiating experience. I hope these tips may also help you to improve your role-modelling of this tricky art!

Top tips

• Before you negotiate:

– Think about your absolute ‘bottom line’ position – you may need to think about standing by your core values and principles. You also need to be clear about what you, or they, can reasonably afford to lose.

– Remind yourself (and later make it clear to your teen) that negotiating is about achieving a Win/Win outcome – neither party should feel like a loser at the end.

– Accept that this is not a negotiation between two equals. You have more power. You will need to make allowances (without patronizing them) for this reality and the fact that your teen is unlikely to be as articulate as you are.

– Remember that negotiations work best when both parties start in a calm mood – so do your deep breathing and choose the calmest moment and spot you can find.

– It helps to know each other’s needs before you start negotiating. Your child, however, may not be able to express these, so give some thought to their needs yourself.

• When going for the deal:

– Adopt a non-threatening but ‘business-like’ body stance: if you look too laid back, your ‘talk’ will not be taken so seriously. So look at ease but sit fairly upright and use direct (but not staring) eye contact if you can get it.

– Start by expressing the hope (or expectation) that you are going to reach an agreement. You can say, for example, ‘I’m sure that once we have talked this through calmly we will come up with some kind of solution together.’

If this is the tenth time you have tried to negotiate this particular issue, you may need to try another tack! Include the negative consequences that could result from not reaching a deal. For example, ‘I do hope we find some way of resolving this today because, if we don’t, the atmosphere between us is going to drag on and on. I certainly don’t want to go through Christmas like this, and I’m sure you don’t’ or ‘If we don’t work out something today, dad and I are just going to have to make a decision without you. It is too important to be left to drag on and on.’

– State your needs in a very direct way. For example, ‘I want to know that you are going to be safe and not too tired to concentrate on your work the next day.’

Don’t be hurt if they haven’t thought of these: teens are essentially egocentric. When others’ needs are pointed out to them, they can be surprisingly accepting.

– Hazard a guess about their needs. Your aim is to start them thinking about this, so don’t worry about guessing exactly right – trust that they’ll tell you if you get it wrong! For example, ‘I guess you don’t want to feel you have missed out on something all your friends seem to be doing, is that right?’

– Listen attentively (and use the skills outlined in Rule 3 to show them that you are). Don’t forget to check out that you are reading between the lines correctly.

– State what you ideally want. Remember that you are going to have to give a little in order to reach a deal. So this should not be your ‘bottom line’ position.

– Listen again.

– Acknowledge their position and feelings: this is about showing empathy with them. You can say, for example, ‘I can see that it’s an awkward situation and you’re hurt because you think I can’t trust you.’

– Try to find some common ground. For example, ‘We both think you deserve some fun and should go to the party.’

– Suggest a compromise – ask first for their idea. If they are not forthcoming (and often they are not) propose one yourself. For example, ‘How about this time we make it 11.30 instead of midnight? – and I’ll offer to take some of your friends home as well which will save you the taxi fares