Читать книгу Confident Teens: How to Raise a Positive, Confident and Happy Teenager - Gael Lindenfield, Gael Lindenfield - Страница 9

Adolescence is a time when human brains and bodies go through important phases in their growth. Teenagers begin to develop the ability to think more broadly and deeply. The world that they perceive is much more complex than he or she has yet experienced, and the choices it offers (like ours!) no longer appear simple. The lists of available options are bewilderingly endless. Additionally, this is also the time when academic pressure is hotting up; curricula are more seriously challenging and teenagers are being exposed to a wider range of ideas, people and cultures.

Not surprisingly, therefore, teenagers feel more secure if they think that they can rely on at least one parent to be a reliable source of wisdom on the issues which are of central concern to them and their development at this age.

But of course, I am not suggesting that you need a degree in adolescent development before you start parenting a teen! On the contrary, be assured that a ‘know-all’ parent can be severely damaging to fragile confidence. Children of any age must never feel outclassed by our ‘superior’ adult knowledge or feel that their behaviour, progress or health concerns are merely being judged as typical or atypical of a certain theory or set of statistics on adolescence.

‘I didn’t want to hear about “typical adolescent problems” or “other girls” or “you’ll grow out of it”. I didn’t want to be treated the same as all-the-other-girls but as Anne in her own right.’

Anne Frank

I am convinced that parents who do have some forewarning of what they and their children might expect during the teen years do cope better and are able to be more supportive to their children. During the course of reading this book, you should pick up most of the crucial ‘basics’ in terms of confidence building, but there are some other areas of knowledge that I believe would also be helpful to explore.

In the following Top Tips list I have inserted some questions to ask yourself and discuss with your partner or friends. I haven’t included any answers for two reasons. Firstly, they would probably be out-of-date by the time this book is even printed. Secondly, I am hoping that this book is going to be read by parents from many different countries and cultures around the world and many of the answers could be different for each one of these.

If the questions raise some doubts in your mind (or cause a few heated arguments at home!), this is a sure sign that you may need to do some homework yourself. In my Further Help section at the end of the book, I have recommended several good books and Internet sites, which could help. Alternatively, your local youth service or school should be more than happy to advise you. You may also find some of the answers by looking in teenage magazines, or watching their programmes on TV, or picking the brains of friends or relatives.

But don’t forget that the key to living up to this rule (or any other for that matter) is humility! In this field no one can claim to be an expert for long. It is all too easy to become out-of-date. The lifestyles of teenagers and the issues which concern them change fast and furiously. What was a priority for one child may no longer be relevant for the generation which is only a couple of years behind. Your first child could sail through puberty without an apparent care in the world, while your next child could start exhibiting every symptom of adolescent ailment known to medical mankind. Alternatively, one child could have discovered their true vocation at the age of six, while the next appears to need 24–hour career counselling.

Even if we were blessed with perfect parents ourselves, or have already successfully reared six teens or obtained a distinction in ‘Adolescent Studies’, we cannot assume we ever know enough. Every one of us could do with checking from time to time that our wisdom is still good-enough to underpin the developing confidence of our teenagers.

Check that you know enough about the issues that are important to your teen to underpin their developing confidence.

Top Tips

• Swot up on your knowledge of adolescent development – it will help you to know what physical and mental changes you can expect to take place during these years of growth. You should be able to explain to them what is going on in their body and how that might be affecting their health, feelings and behaviour.

– Do you know what is now the typical age for puberty for girls and boys?

– Do you know at what age, roughly, you can expect a boy’s voice to break?

– Do you know at what age most teenagers start experimenting with sex?

– What are the differences between the physical growth and emotional maturity patterns of boys and girls at this age?

• Increase your awareness of teenage culture – it will help if you have a good knowledge of the current concerns and preoccupations of this age group. If you understand these you will be less likely to jump to your own conclusions based just on your own personal experience or prejudice.

– Do you know what is at the top of most teenagers’ list of worries?

– Do most teenagers worry about their weight nowadays – or is the media concern about eating disorders quite out of proportion in the light of the latest research?

– Do you know if peer pressure to smoke or take drugs is stronger than average in your community?

• Talk to as wide a range of parents of teenagers as you can – it helps to have an idea of the experiences and problems which families outside your own immediate circle of friends commonly encounter. It may help reduce unnecessary worry and prevent some molehills from becoming mountainous quarrels. Joining a parenting class, workshop, support group or Internet chat-site can all be good ways of doing this. (You may also pick up many handy coping hints in the process!)

– Can you name the three commonest causes of conflict between parents and teenagers in your country?

– What is the average mid-week bedtime time for 14–year-olds and 17–year-olds in your community?

• Acquire a professional assessment of their individual intellect and skills. It is obviously important to have an objective opinion of their innate potential. But it is also important, in terms of confidence building, to know how likely it is that they will be able to realize this, given the current standards and opportunities in their school and community and the trade in which they wish to work. This will help you to help them set realistic goals. You may be able to get this kind of assessment through the school, but many parents are now having their children privately assessed by educational psychologists or career advisors. Many of these offer reduced fees for people on low incomes.

– What are the current necessary academic qualifications of people training for a) accountancy b) website design c) music d) nursing, or any other career which they may be currently considering?

– Which are the three top social and personal skills that employers today value most?

– What is the difference between IQ, EQ and SQ and can, or should, these and other kinds of intelligence be tested and assessed?

• Find out which are the common telltale signs of physical and mental health problems in this age group – this will help to avoid crises and unnecessary worry. It will also give you an idea of when you should give them a ‘gentle push’ to face up to a symptom which may need professional help.

– How might you tell the difference between a pre-exam tension headache and one which you should consult a doctor about?

– How would you tell whether the proverbial obsession with zits has become a case for ‘acne action’?

– If their sporting activity has decreased and you notice they become breathless more easily, what other problem might you be on the look out for as well?

– If a sore throat has persisted for more than 14 days, should you ask for a blood test for glandular fever?

– Is it common for girls to miss periods in the months leading up to exams?

– Is skipping meals a possible sign of bulimia or anorexia?

– If the pupils of their eyes are constantly dilated, what could be causing this symptom?

– If they are reporting sleeplessness, what should concern you most – early morning waking or difficulty in getting off to sleep?

• Gather information about community resources – you should have this handy even if you think you may never need it. (Just think how confidence boosting it could be for your teenager to give this helpful information to a friend?)

– Do you know the number of your local drugs help-line?

– Does your school have a free counselling service?

– Do you have the address of your local youth advisory service?

– Do you know of any charities who might be able to help low-income families with grants for school trips, extra tuition for learning problems, adventure holidays or sports coaching?

– Do you know of any organizations which counsel or advise families going through divorce?

– Do you know the address of your local bereavement counselling service?

‘My adolescent problems took their most violent form in a shyness of a pathological degree. Few people realize, now, that I have always been…an extremely shy creature – I compensate for this shyness by the typical Williams heartiness and bluster and sometimes explosive fury of behaviour.’

Tennessee Williams