Читать книгу Confident Teens: How to Raise a Positive, Confident and Happy Teenager - Gael Lindenfield, Gael Lindenfield - Страница 12

‘The joy of being young is to disobey – but the trouble is, there are no longer any orders.’

Jean Cocteau

Of course no self-respecting teen loves rules. Indeed, an essential part of their growing-up job is to hate them and break them!

Perhaps you feel that your child has been doing just this from the moment he or she could walk or talk! If so, you may well wonder why rules should suddenly become such a special ‘issue’ at this time. The reason is that during their teen years, testing them takes on some different and quite specific extra functions.

In their earlier years, children test rules either to get more attention from those who care for them or to establish a sense of security. ‘Pushing the limits’ gives them the confirmation that they are still being seen and heard and it helps them to map out their safety zones. It is a way of finding out where they can go and what they can say without getting hurt or losing the love of their carers.

The moral implications of rules pass younger children by. This is quite simply because it isn’t until adolescence that our brains develop their capacity for abstract reasoning. So, until this time most children do not have the neural equipment to allow them to grapple with intellectual concepts. This means that although they may know what the world thinks is right and wrong, they cannot understand why they should or shouldn’t do something. Once they reach teenhood, testing the ‘rulebook’ becomes a tool which they can use to explore moral ideas and beliefs. (Provoking you into argument is of course another popular way of doing the same thing!)

Discovering their own belief system is part of the quest for self-knowledge. (Self-knowledge is one of the essential elements of inner confidence, which we discussed earlier. See page 5.) Teenagers naturally experience an urge to find out what kind of person they are or want to be and to establish their own set of consistent values and beliefs. If they complete this task, they will then be able to act quickly and decisively on their own. In contrast, children who don’t discover their own belief system will always be dependent on others to help them make difficult decisions and let them know what is a right and what is a wrong course of action to take.

Furthermore, not only do children need to challenge the rulebook in order to firm up their inner confidence, they need to do so for their outer confidence as well! If our children were to become the acquiescent saints that we sometimes wish they would be, how would they learn the invaluable skills of debate, negotiation, assertiveness and emotional control?

These are, after all, essentially practical skills and they cannot be learned effectively in a theoretical way. Teenagers need to use a hands-on experimental approach – with you, the parents, as the ideal guinea pigs! You are the close-at-hand authority figures and have already proved your unconditional love innumerable times before.

There is no escaping the challenges of the ‘rulebook’ if you truly want a confident teen!

Of course it is tempting to try and avoid the trials and tribulations that obviously result from working through this particular stage of development. Many parents would say that their lives are difficult enough without having to turn their home into a battleground of wills. So it is not surprising that they opt out by, for example, doing one of the following:

– throwing away the rulebook: ‘Okay, it’s your life…you make a mess of it if you want to…I don’t mind…you’ll soon find out on your own…I don’t know what’s right or wrong these days…you’ve got a key, do what you like…’

– handing over the task to someone else: ‘Wait till your father gets home…I wonder what your teacher is going to say when I tell him…I didn’t make the rules…it’s the law – a matter for the police…God is your judge, not me…’

– taking a ‘sickie’: ‘My head’s hurting, I can’t argue…you’ll kill me if you carry on like this…I’m too stressed…’

Hopefully, you haven’t yet succumbed to the temptation of going down one or other of these routes. Establishing and enforcing rules and boundaries are very much part of our parental responsibilities. Confidence cannot be built in an environment without them. It would be too scary and too risky. A light scorching of fingers can be informative and ‘character building’, but burning them can be discouraging and possibly dangerous. For example, if a teenage boy gets really drunk the night before a football match – and consequently plays badly – this can teach him an important lesson about the effects of alcohol abuse, whereas if a teenager secretly raids the forbidden drinks cabinet for ‘Dutch courage’ before driving, this could have dangerous consequences. Similarly, if a 13–year-old girl stays up most of the night listening to music and gets a late mark as a result, this can teach her a lesson about being more responsible, but if a 16–year-old girl skips the ‘curfew’ for an all night party before a crucial exam, this could have discouraging consequences for later years.

I cannot guarantee that reviewing the rulebook frequently with your teen will dramatically reduce the hassles associated with this important parental task. But it will certainly help your child develop confidence in the process – and that has to be some kind of compensation! And looking ahead, another reassuring fact to keep in mind is that research has shown that the more young people are involved in this kind of decision making, the more likely they are to develop the same attitudes as their parents in late adolescence.

‘By slowly making your house rules more flexible, you give your teenager both freedom and safe limits…so the goal is not to abandon the playpen altogether but to gradually enlarge it.’

Steve Chalke, The Parentalk Guide to the Teenage Years

Top Tips

• Clarify your own values – do this on your own or with your co-parent or friends before you enter any discussion with your teen. You need to clarify in your own mind which rules are non-negotiable. These will be the ones which protect and support the core values and principles by which you want to lead your life and bring up your family.

Why not test yourself now by listing:

– 3 non-negotiable values or principles which you would expect anyone with whom you lived to respect (for example, non-violence, loyalty and honesty)

– 6 values which you would ideally like to be respected, but which would be open to some negotiation (for example, privacy, self-direction and cleanliness).

Once you have done this, set aside some time to talk to your teenager. You could begin by talking about the list you have just made and then asking for their opinion on it. Alternatively, you might prefer to look out for an informal way of bringing up the subject, such as after watching the news or a TV soap together, where there is an example of someone standing up for their values, or a person flouting someone else’s. Either way, it is important to eventually steer the discussion in a direction which will help them to think about their core values as well.

When you are looking at the rules or discussing issues which relate to them, you can refer back to these discussions. Any imposed restriction will be much more acceptable if it is seen to be in line with either your own non-negotiable values or their own values. For example:

‘I know that you are not always hungry at the same time as us, but do you remember when we talked about this on the way to town last month? I explained why I felt so strongly that it should be one of our family rules that we all sit down for a meal together at least three or four times each week. This seems to be the best way for us to keep up with each others’ lives. It’s very important to me that we don’t become strangers that pass in the hall. It can so easily happen now that you are all growing up and are understandably out so much.’

‘I appreciate that you do not like doing the washing-up, but I remember when we were talking about values last week – you were saying that justice was a key one for you…that’s why we agreed to have a rota.’

• Don’t beat about the bush – ‘Call a spade a spade’ as they say in Yorkshire, where I lived for much of my adulthood. Don’t be shy of the word ‘rule’. Don’t skirt around the subject. Be clear that a rule is what it is. It means that certain behaviour is unacceptable, rather than just merely disliked.

Don’t ever assume that because ‘everyone’ knows that you have ‘strong views’ on a certain subject, they will automatically know that there is an unwritten rule.

For example, if your teenager knows full well that you don’t like smoking or swearing, don’t assume that means that they know that they or their friends are not allowed to smoke or swear in the house.

Similarly, they may know how seriously you view their academic work and how strongly you feel about the importance of homework. They may even respect you for your concern and fully agree with you. But, you may still need to clearly establish that one of the house rules is that homework is to be completed every night before starting any social activity. So instead of saying, ‘I can’t believe you didn’t do your homework before going out when you know how important it is’, you could try saying something like, ‘We both believe that your academic work has to have top priority at the moment. Can we agree that doing your homework before coming down to watch TV is one of our rules?’

• Check in advance that you both know what the penalties are for breaking the rules – don’t find yourself in the position of trying to think these up in the heat of the aftermath. Aim at trying to get their agreement to the penalty whenever you can. For example:

‘So, we agree that you will be in by 10 pm on weekdays and that if you are not you will forfeit your right to stay out till midnight on Saturdays.’

• Choose a time when you are both positive and relaxed to do your reviews – as I write this, I can hear imaginary voices laughing derisively at this suggestion! Of course times like these are rare at your stage of family life, but at least you can try not to do the opposite! Refuse to get into a discussion about rules in the middle of an argument or late at night when your energy levels are low. If your teen tries to provoke you into an argument on the subject at an inappropriate time (and they will!), keep calm and repeatedly suggest a time when you would be able and willing to talk. For example:

‘I appreciate you think you have done your fair share, but I don’t want to discuss the cleaning rota now – we’re both het up and tired. Let’s talk about it over a coffee when you come in from school tomorrow. I’ll make sure I’m back early.’

• Demonstrate your willingness to bend the rules occasionally – but only on an advance notice basis and if they come prepared with a good argument to back up their case. It will give their confidence a terrific boost if they feel they can sometimes make you relax the rulebook. For example:

‘So you feel it is a special occasion and you have been working really hard without a break for two weeks…I suppose you have a point. Let’s say tonight’s an exception then.’

But don’t always expect the favour to be returned. This is a game about power and don’t forget that its cards are heavily stacked in your favour most of the time.

‘I remember being let off our chores during exam times – this was really good ‘cos it showed mum and dad were really focused on us and our needs.’

young adult

‘We were too over-confident about bringing up our fourth child. Our biggest mistake was to relax, having coasted rather easily with the first three. She needed firmer boundaries than the others. After one scary near-miss incident we talked and talked and established new ground-rules. Things improved gradually over the next six months without any pressure from us.’

parent (now leader of a parent support group)