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This farewell to the dream child is the first task for brand-new parents. You can then discover what a treasure you have in your real child.

Your little girl is the way she is. She will grow all the better the more you love her. In concrete terms, that means, for the first few months, being there for her all the time – she needs you to give her skin contact, to caress her lovingly and massage her, to nurse her, talk to her, carry her around and sleep near her. Love is an action word, and in the first months with a baby, love is in fact a very strenuous activity. However, it is exactly this loving – and tiring! – behaviour that is the basis for a secure bond between you and your baby. And having a secure bond with her parents in the first few years of her life is a requirement for every mental and emotional stage of development she will move through.

The impact of the ‘attachment theory’

John Bowlby investigated and observed war children and orphans in the 1950s and developed the so-called ‘attachment theory’ on the basis of this research. This theory states that children can only develop their skills optimally if they have a trusting, secure bond with at least one adult role model. Bowlby caused a worldwide sensation with his film about a 12-year-old girl who lived all alone in a hospital. We have him to thank for several things:

 the fact that mother and child are now rarely separated in the maternity ward;

 the fact that often parents can stay with their sick children in hospitals; and

 the fact that parents know how important a stable, close relationship with their child is.

Even premature babies grow with fewer problems if they feel skin contact and human touch. It is interesting – and wonderful – that newborns are equipped with numerous powers that enable them to make contact with others and then to form a bond. Most parents react intuitively to these signals, and in this way the bond of love is strengthened even more.

If you accept your child as she is, and if you look after her responsibly and give her total security by nestling her little body next to yours, you will be giving your child the stable base she needs for her development.

You cannot spoil a baby – it is innocent and defenceless and dependent on your care. If you give her everything she needs and wishes for, you are doing the absolute best thing for her. Our knowledge of the powers that babies have, right from birth, has grown dramatically over the last few years, but parents don’t need to study any of this; all you need to do is observe your baby and give her what she wants. Just as the little girl in front of you feels an inner urge to grow and to acquire skills and knowledge, you as parents also have inborn skills to look after your child. Follow your instinct and intuition, and you will do the job properly.