Читать книгу It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken: The Smart Girl’s Breakup Buddy - Greg Behrendt - Страница 24

After he broke up with me, I told him that we needed to go for a drive to talk. While driving, I did the usual, crazy breakup talk, threw around some profanities, told him he had wasted my time, and so on. I told him I’d still like to be friends and see if we couldn’t fix what was wrong with our relationship. He told me he didn’t think that was a good idea. He thought we needed to separate completely. I believe the quote was, “It’s not you, it’s me. I can’t fix the fact that I don’t feel that way about you anymore.” How original. I continued to drive ten miles out of town (imagine farms, vast empty fields, you get the idea). He started to get a little suspicious and asked if we could start heading back. I said no and continued to drive.After five minutes of silence, I pulled over and said, “Here’s your stop.” He got out, I threw the batch of cookies I had recently made for him at him, shouted a few obscenities, and said, “There, now we are separated completely and I can’t fix the fact that I don’t feel like driving you home anymore.” I must mention that, after dumping his ass by the side of the road, five minutes later it started pouring and the tornado sirens started to go off. No wonder he turned every shade of white and sheepishly avoided eye contact with me when I ran into him a year later!

Anonymous

Raleigh, NC

EXT. CHICAGO STREET—DAY

Estella, an attractive forty-year-old business-woman, walks down a busy street talking assertively into her cell phone. She is talking to a representative at her wireless company.

REPRESENTATIVE (V.O.)

Fool Proof Wireless. How can we assist you today?

ESTELLA

Yes, I seem to be having some problems with my cell phone.

REPRESENTATIVE (V.O.)

What sort of problems?

ESTELLA

Well, my voice mail doesn’t seem to work. I haven’t had any messages for a week.

REPRESENTATIVE (V.O.)

Are you able to make outgoing calls?

ESTELLA

Well, yes…but I’m pretty sure that my text messages aren’t working, because when I send one…

REPRESENTATIVE (V.O.)

It goes unanswered?

ESTELLA

(relieved) Yes. And I don’t seem to be getting any incoming calls.

REPRESENTATIVE (V.O.)

Let me just check out the line for you.

ESTELLA

Thank you so much. (PAUSE) It’s just that my parents are older and they might need to reach me if there’s an emergency or something…

REPRESENTATIVE (V.O.)

Hang on—I think I see the problem…He’s not coming back.