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Now the denial I'm talking about here is the “tactic” of manipulation, impression‐management, and control. Many (professionals are again among the worst offenders, here) mistake it for the ego‐defense mechanism of denial. I give examples of the two radically different types of denial in Character Disturbance.

The defense mechanism of denial is best illustrated in the example of a woman whose husband was working gleefully with her outdoors in their garden when he complained of the heat, seemed to get unsteady, could barely talk, and ended up being taken to the hospital. Not long after he arrives there, the woman is told he's suffered a severe stroke and, while the life support makes it appear he is alive, he is virtually gone. His wife holds his hand and talks to him even though the doctors and nurses tell her he can't listen. And she comes every day and waits for him to awaken, even though she's been told he will never do so. This woman is in a unique psychological state. Her unconscious mind has put her into a state of denial because the reality of circumstances is simply too emotionally painful to bear at the moment. But in time, and with gradual acceptance, her denial mechanisms will break down. And when that happens, the anguish and grief that her mind was trying to keep her from experiencing will gush forth.

The manipulation and responsibility‐evasion tactic of denial is of a very different kind. I illustrate it with the example of Joe, the class bully, who derives satisfaction out of roaming the school halls during class exchanges, and pushing the books out from the arms of unsuspecting students. One day, a hall monitor catches the event and calls him out. “What?” he exclaims, throwing his arms wide open and putting an innocent look on his face. “What are you looking at me for?”, his charade continues. Is this person so riddled with emotional pain that his unconscious won't let him accept what he's done? Does he really think he didn't do anything? Probably not. He probably thinks that if he acts innocent enough he might avoid detention hall. Maybe the hall monitor didn't quite see enough. Maybe if he acts self‐righteous enough, the conscientious monitor will entertain some doubts about what she saw. It's a tactic – a lie – pure and simple. There is likely to come a time when you'll have to confront someone you think has done you wrong. And when you do, he's likely to deny it. You might assume he feels badly about it and is trying to save face. But this is a potentially dangerous assumption. Denial can be tactical as opposed to protective. And some of the most ardent aggressors can be the staunchest deniers when caught. Sometimes just the level of apparent conviction when someone is denying can lead you to doubt yourself. And denial is often even more effective as a tactic when coupled with the following tactics.