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(From Around the Tables)

January 1973

Over a period of many 24 hours, I have experienced many versions of the Eighth and Ninth Steps of the AA guide to recovery. As the chemical fog lifted, I endeavored to cope with the havoc caused by my insanity. One particular problem persisted: While I had made financial restitution, I couldn’t grasp an approach toward the emotional amends which I felt necessary.

The answer, as I now see it, is that I had to learn the true meaning of forgiveness. My prayers for aid in amends were getting nowhere because I hadn’t forgiven.

“After all, can’t they see how changed I am? Why don’t they accept me? What’s wrong? Do I have to crawl before them? Here I am not drinking, and they don’t seem impressed by the change.” Maybe you hear a hint of a wee little resentment or self-pride. Right—I wasn’t forgiving them for not forgiving me.

I could pray and pray, but no forgiveness came. Now, I’m praying that I weed out all the subtle “unforgiveness” that has been growing for lo, these many years. Once I have truly, through prayer, forgiven any and all for real and imagined injuries, I’ll be forgiven. When I have really forgiven, then the flow starts towards me, and then the amends can be made. For me, at least, I have lots of forgiving to do before I can make amends.

D. W. R.

Detroit, Michigan