Читать книгу Making Amends - Группа авторов - Страница 16

August 1991

Although my body walked, my spirit crawled out of the room where I had just completed my Fifth Step. I was so sick of myself and my character defects that I was totally willing to take the Sixth and Seventh Steps.

Then came Step Eight. The first part of this Step was easy. The Big Book told me that I had made my list when I made my inventory, so I took my list of persons I had harmed from my Fourth Step.

The second part of this Step was not so easy. “Willing,” it said. There’s that word again; the Big Book and the “Twelve and Twelve” seem to use that word a lot. It’s written in Step Three, again emphasized in Step Six, and here it is again in Step Eight. As I looked my list over, there were many amends I was willing to make, as I could see where I had been childish, selfish and self-centered. But there were some that brought back hurts so deep I was not willing to make amends then—and I seriously doubted if I ever would be. The words from the Big Book kept playing through my head, “We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable.” I knew that, but I still wasn’t willing.

Reading over the part on Step Eight in the Big Book, I saw I wasn’t unique; earlier AAs had evidently been like me. This was apparent when I read the line that says, “There are probably still some misgivings,” and again when I read, “If we haven’t the will to do this, we ask until it comes.” (Ask God, of course.)

I kept praying about the difficult amends while I was making other amends, and it seemed like every meeting I attended during that time was on the Eighth Step. In one of these meetings, I heard someone share her experience. She had been willing to make all her amends but one. In talking to her sponsor about it, the sponsor put it like this: If your program depended upon this one amends—that is, if you made this amends you would stay sober, and if you didn’t make it you would drink again—how willing would you be then?

Hearing that, and reading again about going to any length, brought me the willingness I had been praying for—at least on all but one. Deep in my heart I knew it would take a miracle for the willingness to come for that one, and when the exact moment was right, God gave me the willingness so suddenly that it was like a physical force slammed into me. Once again, God was right on time, not a minute too early or a second too late.

Since I’ve been in the program, I’ve been told countless times that if I will take care of the possible, God will handle the impossible. Countless times I’ve witnessed this to be true.

It’s been over two-and-a-half years since all this happened, and I’m still sober. I can only say it’s because of God and not me, for the part I played has been so small in comparison to God’s part. I thank God for AA, and for the fact that, just for today, I’m still willing.

Robi M.

Edmond, Oklahoma