Читать книгу The Mills & Boon Sparkling Christmas Collection - Kate Hardy - Страница 25

Chapter Fourteen

‘Well, that was hard work,’ puffed Heather, collapsing dramatically onto Ben’s leather sofa. ‘I thought for a moment there, we weren’t going to do it.’

‘I’m not sure how we did but thanks for helping me.’ Eva was perched on the opposite sofa, catching her breath. Somehow, they had managed to lift Ben’s two sofas from the hall, angling them back and forth through the doorway until finally they were back in the living room. The process had involved a fair amount of sweating and swearing.

‘How’s your finger now?’

Eva held it up. ‘Dissolving. Well, the stitches are anyway.’ Eva had been given two stitches at the hospital and Ben had driven her home, a horrible silence settling over them. In one way there was so much to say but the air between them felt so tense, neither of them seemed capable of finding the right thing to say. Ben had driven with a grim determination as if sensing Eva’s need to get home to Jamie. She had thanked him and said goodnight and found Heather waiting for her.

Eva had gone straight to see Jamie and had sat watching him sleeping until she could hardly keep her own eyes open. After a good night’s sleep and a couple of strong painkillers Eva was feeling better by the next morning and well enough to attend to her guests. Everything had gone smoothly with their stay and they had checked out on Wednesday morning seemingly none the wiser to the drama that had unfolded on Monday night. Even Dr Hargreaves bid farewell with a smile.

‘Is Jamie okay after his ordeal?’ Heather asked now.

‘He’s right as rain – you know what kids are like. I don’t know what I would have done without you that night.’

‘It wasn’t only me.’ Heather shot her a meaningful look, which Eva ignored. ‘Have you seen Ben?’

‘Er, not since that night,’ Eva answered lightly.

‘I hope you’re not avoiding him.’

‘Why would I do that?’

‘You tell me. I sense you’re holding back in some way and I can only imagine what’s going on inside that head of yours.’

‘I’ve been busy, that’s all. I wanted to get this room finished.’

Heather stood up casting her a sceptical look. ‘And it looks wonderful, it really does, but you should speak to him. And soon.’

‘I will.’

‘Good because he really is heavenly,’ Heather gushed. ‘Did you see the way he looked at you?’

Eva smiled despite herself. ‘An incurable romantic, aren’t you?’

‘All the time I’ve known you, you’ve worked so hard, Eva. I just think it’s time you did something for yourself. It is all right for you to have a life you know,’ Heather said picking up her bag. ‘Talk to him, that’s all I’m saying. Now, I need to go and collect some children from somewhere.’

Eva shook her head in wonder. ‘I don’t know how you keep track.’

Eva waved Heather off and Ben’s house fell silent. Eva was alone with her thoughts. Did she have a chance of real happiness? She didn’t think so, because now she knew there could be no future for her and Ben.

She’d had a terrible, sleepless night thinking until her head hurt. The conclusion she had reached, sometime around three in the morning, wasn’t one she was happy with but she saw no other way. Her body might want Ben but she’d been unable to reconcile her physical longing with her jumbled thoughts.

She picked up a cloth and spray and started to give the windows a good clean, finding herself mulling over everything again.

Although no harm had come to Jamie, Eva had felt genuine fear for the time he was missing. All the years she had coped, dealing with all the highs and lows of bringing up a child on her own but in that moment when fear had gripped her, she had wanted to run to Ben. Instinctively she had wanted to go to him and for him to somehow make it better. She had felt unable to cope – and admitting she needed Ben wasn’t something that sat comfortably with her; in fact it terrified her.

She thought of the life she had with Jamie. He was the single most important thing in her life. She knew in some ways she had created a bubble for her and Jamie, a place where she felt safe. That had meant keeping Jamie close, focusing on her business and now she realized it also meant not letting anyone in because she never wanted to rely on someone who might not always be there. She didn’t have the luxury of making a mistake, not when she had her son to look after.

She had let Ben infiltrate her safe nest, imagined what life could be like with him, little scenarios playing out in her head. Family occasions, school concerts, and sports days – all those things she had got through by herself. She had let herself get carried away.

Eva shook her head, rubbing hard at a streak that had appeared on the window, feeling angry with herself. She had put herself before Jamie. For those few hours she hadn’t made him her priority and now she was paying the price. Somehow she had lost control of things – feeling unwell, cutting her finger, putting Jamie in danger. The sequence of events all led back to her letting Ben in.

Things had moved too fast. She had given in to her desire too quickly and guilt was eating her up from the inside. Being with Ben had affected her judgement and she had let her guard down. But now she knew what she had to do. She needed to go back to the life she had before Ben.

She stood back, content to see the windows now gleaming, and then pulled out her phone to check the time. Jamie had football after school so there was no rush. She took a long look around the room. With the sofas now in place, the room was finished and she hoped with all her heart Ben liked it.

The room had changed beyond recognition since the MacKenzies lived here and Eva hoped it would be filled with life and happiness again one day. Like all families they’d had their ups and downs but they’d been strong and loving and always there for each other. And wasn’t that what everyone wanted after all? It was certainly all she had ever wanted.

She wasn’t surprised when she heard the key in the door. Maybe in some ways she’d been hoping for Ben to come home so they could have the conversation she knew they had to have. Ignoring her pounding heart she told herself she was doing the right thing. She squared her shoulders, attempting a brightness she didn’t feel, and by the time Ben appeared at the living room door, her smile was in place.

***

Ben guessed Eva had been avoiding him. He understood how difficult it had been for her the night Jamie went missing and had instinctively given her space and time to work things through in her own mind. Today he couldn’t wait any longer; he had to see her. Her hair was held up messily with a clasp and she was wearing her dungarees that he loved so much. She greeted him with a smile but wouldn’t meet his eyes and his heart sank.

‘So, do you like it?’ she asked in an overbright voice, her arm sweeping around the room. Ben hadn’t stepped in the room for days even though he’d known she was close to finishing. Now he was staggered by the transformation, amazed how it had changed from an empty, lifeless space into a beautiful room. She had even managed to make his cold austere furniture look right somehow. Every detail had been thought of from the newly varnished floorboards to the freshly painted cornicing detail.

For a moment he was lost for words. He knew how much effort this must have taken and she had done it for him. And yet the tension from her was tangible and he knew this moment wasn’t how either of them imagined it was going to be.

‘It’s incredible. I can hardly believe you did all this by yourself.’

She at least managed a small smile in response but still avoided his gaze. ‘Do you like the colours?’

‘They’re great.’

‘I wanted something neutral but not wishy-washy. So I chose this mid-tone browny grey, which warms up the room and makes it feel cosy.’ She was talking quickly, moving around the room. ‘I painted it right to the ceiling to give the room height and you’ll see I did the woodwork a paler shade but in the same palette. I think white would have been too stark.’

Ben nodded as she continued, watching her closely.

‘I’ve put a rug down, with touches of blue in it, and I made you a floating shelf in the recess so you can put some of your books on it …’

‘Eva, stop.’

She turned, finally looking at him. ‘What is it?’

‘The room is lovely. Truly, it’s amazing what you’ve done. Thank you.’

‘You’re welcome.’ She looked down, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

‘Can we talk now?’

‘Um, sure.’

‘I want to tell you why I went away.’

‘I’ve said already, you don’t need to.’

‘I do. Please – sit with me.’ He took hold of her hand and gently pulled her down beside him on the sofa, keeping hold of her hand. ‘I went back to my house near London, where I grew up.’

‘I didn’t know you still had another home.’

‘I hadn’t told you about it – but only because it’s something I haven’t wanted to deal with.’ She met his eyes with a quizzical look.

‘After my mother moved into the care home, I didn’t know what to do with the house. After a while I rented it out –’

‘Really, you don’t have to explain …’

‘Please, Eva. Just hear me out. The tenants renting the house moved out so it’s been lying empty. I got a phone call to say the house had been broken into.’ He glanced down at Eva’s hand, took a deep breath.

‘The day I took my mother out of the house for the last time was the hardest day I’ve ever had to go through. I haven’t been back to the house for years – I haven’t been able to face it. But when I got the phone call I knew I had to deal with it. And I knew I could face it because of you.’

A small crease appeared on her forehead. ‘Why because of me?’

‘Because of the way you make me feel – like I could face anything.’

Eva stared at him for a moment then dropped her gaze, letting him continue.

‘When I came here, I wasn’t sure about anything any more. Arriving without Samantha I thought … I thought I’d be devastated. It didn’t take me long to work out what we had wasn’t much – just a mutually convenient relationship. The last thing I expected was to meet someone who could make me feel like you do. At first I didn’t know how to handle it. I couldn’t believe I could fall in love so quickly. But with you, everything feels right. You’re beautiful, caring, and strong – you make me happy. We haven’t known each other long but the time we’ve had together has meant more to me than I’ve ever known with anyone else. I’m so in love with you, Eva.’

Eva’s head was down and Ben couldn’t see her face and after a moment she slipped her hand out of his. She stood up and took a few steps away from him, creating a space between them. With her eyes still lowered to the floor she shook her head slightly.

‘I can’t do this – you and me. It’s too difficult,’ she said eventually.

Ben rose from the sofa and walked over to her. ‘Difficult how?’

‘I’m not saying I don’t have feelings for you because I do. What happened between us has been amazing – the night we had was amazing. But don’t you see? I put myself first and changed things. When Jamie went missing it was because I let my guard down.’

Ben frowned. ‘Bad things happen, Eva. You can’t control everything.’

She shook her head, a strand of hair falling from her clasp. ‘That moment I thought something terrible had happened, I was on my own. I’ve learnt to be self-reliant and I can’t change that now. Maybe I over-reacted when I didn’t know where Jamie was but that’s what you do when you’re alone. It’s down to me. Not anyone else.’

‘Eva, I can only imagine how hard it’s been for you on your own. But I think we have something special –’

‘Maybe we do, but I can’t take that risk. Do you know how frightened I was after Paul died? When I didn’t know where Jamie was I felt that fear again – I won’t put myself in that position again.’

‘How do you think Jamie would feel knowing you sacrificed your own happiness for him?’

She rounded on him, her eyes flashing with anger. ‘Don’t you dare bring him into this!’

Ben stepped back, holding his hands up in surrender. ‘I’m sorry – I would never tell you how to bring up your son.’ He ran a hand through his hair and when he spoke his voice was low and gentle. ‘You do an incredible job, Eva, and I respect that. I was only trying to make the point it’s impossible for you to protect him all the time. Life is full of risks but those risks are how he will learn and make him the man he will become. I’ll never be Jamie’s father but I can care. You and Jamie are a family and it would mean everything to me to be part of that family, Eva. Would you give us that chance – to be a family?’

Ben tensed, waiting for her to say something. She was looking at him and her eyes glistened with unshed tears. She took a breath as if composing herself and gave him a sad smile.

‘I’m sorry, Ben. I … I can’t commit to us. I need things to stay as they are.’ She lifted her hand and tenderly brushed his cheek and then turned and left. Ben stood, fists clenched by his sides, staring at the front door as if willing it to open and for Eva to walk back in.

As he turned, something caught his eye on the mantelpiece that he hadn’t noticed before. Beautifully mounted in a silver gilt frame was a photograph of Ben and his parents on the beach. It must have been taken the year before his dad died, their last family holiday. He hadn’t seen the photo for years but it had been one of the few things he had taken from his mother’s house. Eva must have found it in the box he had given her.

He stood motionless, staring at it. He could hardly bring himself to touch it and when he did, his hand was shaking. Knowing Eva had done this for him just made seeing her walk out a whole lot more difficult. Ben knew he had fallen deeply in love with Eva but hadn’t managed to find a way of telling her without frightening her.

He could see how hard she had worked to get the life she had and the last thing he wanted was to come and mess it up for her. He shook his head in frustration, not knowing how he could carry on living here and not be with her.