Читать книгу The Mills & Boon Sparkling Christmas Collection - Kate Hardy - Страница 26

Chapter Fifteen

Eva sipped a glass of hot water and lemon, reminding herself it was supposed to be good for her. What had that article said? Rejuvenating, cleansing, healing. She definitely needed some of that. She tried not to think of her usual silky-smooth morning coffee. Things that tasted delicious weren’t necessarily good for you she thought savagely, enduring a few more sips before sloshing the rest down the sink. Next was a vitamin pill, anything to try to make her feel better.

Although not usually inclined to spend much time in front of a mirror, this morning Eva had studied her reflection and it hadn’t made for happy viewing. How had she managed to go from glowing to drab in such a short space of time? she wondered bleakly. Everything about her looked and felt dull. Her body felt as if it had gone into some sort of meltdown the past few days.

At night she was unable to sleep, her body restless and her mind racing. During the day she tried to keep busy, finding anything to keep herself occupied. Cupboards were sorted, drawers emptied, floors scrubbed but still she couldn’t banish thoughts of Ben from her mind. She knew she had made the right decision, so why then did it feel so bad?

She told herself it was all about looking forward. Making a few plans, focusing on other things – such as becoming pet-friendly. She’d been doing some reading and researching. The good news was that allowing dogs would certainly open up a new market and potentially generate more income. Families took their dogs on holiday and not many other guest houses in the area allowed pets so that would give her an advantage.

But there were plenty of issues to consider – she’d need to think about insurance, possible damage to property, and she’d have to provide food, bowls, and towels. And the house would have to be kept meticulously clean in case of dog hairs. She’d revisited the idea of opening in winter and had even found herself speculating exactly what Greg Ritchie’s ‘investment opportunities’ were.

In the hall she called up to Jamie as she wrapped a scarf around her neck. Maybe she could do more decorating, she thought, put an advert in the local paper. But they were all just ideas, thoughts going nowhere. Eva felt as if reality had shifted in some way and now she wasn’t sure what she wanted any more. Time and time again she reminded herself she’d managed just fine before Ben and she could do it again.

‘I’m ready, Mum.’ Jamie’s voice broke into her thoughts and she turned to him with a bright smile.

‘Good. I’ll just get Hamish sorted in his basket. We won’t be too long.’

It was the first day of the school Christmas holiday and having persuaded Jamie a visit to Edinburgh’s natural history museum would be useful for his project on ancient Egypt next term, Eva had arranged to meet Sarah and her mother in the museum café. Eva had talked with Sarah on the phone and exchanged a few texts, glad they were slowly returning to how they used to be.

Eva locked the front door listening to Jamie mutter mutinously that he’d better not see anyone he knew at the museum. Eva turned and spotted Ben bundling a holdall into the boot of his car. She kept her head down, feeling pathetic for doing so. She would learn to block the feelings, to deal with seeing him – they were neighbours after all – she just wasn’t quite there yet. Oh God, now he was coming over to them.

‘How’re you doing, Jamie?’ Ben waved to Jamie who was settling himself in the front seat.

‘Yeah, good.’ Jamie smiled back.

‘These are for you,’ Ben said to Jamie handing him a boxed set of Star War films. ‘All the original ones. I know how hard you’ve been working on your maths and thought you could give yourself a treat and watch these over the holidays.’

‘Brilliant, thanks, Ben!’

He switched his gaze to Eva who was standing by the open car door, frozen to the spot. ‘Hi, Eva. How are you?’

He looked tired and unshaven and so gorgeous that Eva felt her body betray her and she inhaled sharply.

‘Great, yes … fine.’ She’d been aiming for casual and confident but somehow her voice came out weirdly high.

‘I wanted to check you still have a set of keys for my house?’

‘Oh, yes. Sorry, I should have given them back to you.’

‘No, it’s fine. I’m heading down south for a bit – I don’t want to leave the house in London empty over the holidays.’ He ran a hand along his jagged jawline, looking distracted. ‘Would you mind holding on to them – just in case something happens while I’m away?’

‘Oh, yes … of course.’

‘I know you’re more than capable of handling anything.’ A ghost of a smile appeared on his lips. ‘Take care of yourself, Eva.’

‘You too.’

She took a deep breath and climbed into the car. Just because he looked tired didn’t mean she should worry about him making that long journey. He would be fine, she told herself, glancing at the clock on the dashboard and pulling out of the driveway.

They had plenty of time so she decided to take the coastal road, driving through the pretty fishing villages of Crail and Anstruther while Christmas songs played on the radio. They had just driven over the forth road bridge when Jamie surprised her.

‘You know, Mum, I really like Ben.’

Her hands tightened on the wheel but she kept her voice casual. ‘He’s been a great help with your maths.’

‘And he’s taught me how to move all the pieces on a chess board.’

‘That’s good,’ Eva replied evenly.

‘I liked when he came to our house. When’s he going to come for dinner again?’

Eva swallowed. ‘Oh, I’m not sure. He’s probably busy at the university.’

‘But I can still go and ask him stuff?’

‘Of course, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind that.’ Eva frowned, wondering if Jamie had picked up on anything.

‘We’ve started algebra at school,’ he told her sounding miserable.

‘Well, don’t worry. I can always help you.’

He made a face, looking doubtful.

‘What? We’ll be able to work it out between us.’

‘Mum, you can’t google it. I need someone to, like, actually explain it properly. It’s good when Ben helps – I just sort of understand it more.’

In all her own turmoil she hadn’t stopped to think just how much Jamie and Ben had connected. She had been trying to protect Jamie and didn’t feel good about her son missing Ben. Jamie clearly loved having Ben in their lives and she couldn’t deny he’d been a great role model for her son. She felt her shoulders slump, dismayed that trying to do the right thing seemed so wrong at times.

When they arrived in Edinburgh, parking was a bit of a nightmare but eventually Eva found a space on the outskirts of the centre. They got to Princes Street twenty minutes later, Eva enjoying the views of the castle and the bustling Christmas shoppers while Jamie complained about the distance they had to walk. Entering the museum they passed through the grand central hall, Eva pointing to portraits of famous Scottish doctors while Jamie showed more interest in the stuffed animals and dinosaur skeleton. They found Sarah and Helen already seated at a table in the café.

‘Hi, Mum.’ Eva bent and kissed her powdery cheek and eyed Jamie to do the same. Eva slipped off her coat and scarf, giving Sarah a double take. Her clothes were still very Sarah-esque but she wore pretty pearl drop earrings and looked softer somehow. She stood to embrace Eva and turned to Jamie.

‘Would you like to come and help me get the drinks?’ she asked him sounding a tad awkward.

‘Er, yeah,’ Jamie responded.

The role of aunt wasn’t one Sarah slipped into naturally but Eva could see she was trying and appreciated the effort.

‘Mum, usual for you?’

‘Yes please, darling.’

‘Eva?’

‘I’ll have a cappuccino please,’ Eva answered, all intentions for a decaf-skinny abandoned. She smiled across at her mother who she felt scrutinize her.

‘How are you, darling?’ Helen asked.

‘I’m fine, Mum.’

‘You look a bit … peaky.’

Eva straightened herself and smoothed down her hair as if that would make a difference but for once couldn’t argue with her mother’s appraisal.

‘I’m all right – had a couple of bad night sleeps, that’s all.’

Tilting her head to the side, Helen regarded her.

‘You know, there’s a wonderful spa I go to. I could book us in for a day after Christmas … we could go together and make a day of it, have a few treatments.’ Eva’s excuse was on the tip of her tongue but she stopped herself. Thinking of how far she and Sarah had come recently, maybe it was time to try and improve relations with her mum and after all, a few spa treatments might not go amiss.

‘That sounds really nice, thanks, Mum.’ Eva was rewarded with a beatific smile.

‘How is Jamie getting on at school?’

Ignoring what she knew was a reference to his academic progress, Eva deliberately focused instead on what mattered to her.

‘He’s great. Making plenty of friends, playing sports. He seems to have settled really well at high school.’

‘And how’s he doing in all his subjects? It’s important he makes a good start in first year.’

‘Of course, and he’s doing fine, Mum,’ Eva reassured her. It had been a bittersweet moment when Jamie had come home proudly declaring his mark to be one of the highest in the class maths test. Clearly Ben was a good teacher but then that didn’t surprise Eva. She looked over at Jamie now standing in the queue with Sarah, something he said making her laugh. Eva returned her focus back to Helen. Unlike her own pallor, her mother’s appearance held an undeniable radiance that Eva assumed was thanks to George.

Sarah and Eva had talked on the phone, Sarah explaining that she and Helen had discussed their ‘new situation’ as she described it. Eva hadn’t asked for the details, feeling it was between Sarah and her mother. As long as they were both happy, that was enough for her. Sarah had made the decision to go to Holland in the New Year for a couple of weeks to see how things went and Eva was thrilled for her and hoped it all worked out with Jon.

‘Sarah told me she’s going to Holland in the New Year,’ she mentioned now.

Helen nodded graciously, as if she was giving the idea her blessing. ‘I think it’s the right thing for her to do and I’m sure it will all work out the way it’s meant to.’

‘And you? You’ll be all right here without her? You know that I can come and help you with anything or you could come to St Andrews.’

‘I know, darling. Thank you but I’ll be fine.’ A faint blush rose in her cheeks. ‘You know about … George?’

‘Yes. And I’m happy for you, Mum.’

Her mother smiled, managing to look demure but slightly uncomfortable at the same time. ‘I wondered if you and Jamie might like to meet him over Christmas – if that would be all right with you?’

Eva nodded. ‘Sure, that’s a good idea.’

‘Oh and another thing.’ Helen paused. ‘I haven’t chosen my kitchen tiles yet and was hoping that maybe you could help me choose?’

‘Of course! I’d be really happy to do that with you, Mum.’ This was a day for surprises.

‘Sarah told me how lovely your house is looking and I know you’ve always had a good eye for colour and design.’ Coming from her mother, that was tantamount to high praise and Eva smiled at her just as Jamie arrived with a tray, everything on it almost sliding off in his hurry to get to the table.

‘Mum! Guess what?’ Eva grabbed the tray just in time. ‘Aunt Sarah said she would take me to a rugby match at Murrayfield.’

‘Really? Wow, that’s great.’

‘Is that all right with you, Eva?’ Sarah checked passing the drinks along.

‘Of course, Jamie will love that,’ Eva replied gratefully.

Helen poured tea from a little cream teapot and looked at her grandson. ‘So, how was your activity weekend, Jamie? Did you have fun?’

‘Awesome. There’s photos I can show you.’

‘You didn’t tell me that, Jamie.’ Eva looked at him in surprise.

Jamie shrugged. ‘They’re up on the website now – can I use your phone, Aunt Sarah?’

‘Sure,’ she replied digging in her bag.

After a few minutes Jamie had called up the website and was providing a running commentary as his finger swiped over the screen. ‘That was the day we did mountain biking – we got to go along these tracks in the forest …’

Eva sipped her coffee watching Jamie recount his experiences. He passed the phone to Eva after he’d finished so she could look at them properly. At first it was odd seeing the evidence of an experience he’d had without her, to know that he would have those memories that didn’t include her.

She zoomed in on a photo of Jamie, rope coiled around his body and his face just visible under his helmet as he prepared to descend a rock face. Eva blinked, an unfamiliar feeling coming over her as she studied the photo of Jamie about to do something dangerous. Instead of reacting with fear, she felt overwhelmingly proud of him.

Wasn’t it wonderful that he was so confident? That he wasn’t afraid? He’d done it all by himself and had coped on his own without her being there. This was just his first school trip – imagine all the other things he still had to experience. She scrolled through more photos, seeing all the children’s faces shining with excitement and a sense of achievement. They were children being children and not scared by life.

Her role as a mother was to protect him, not to hold him back. Life involved opportunities and risks but that was how he would learn. And in that instant Eva knew she had to accept and embrace change. She had to let Jamie live his life and not pass her own fears on to him. Eva swallowed down the lump that had formed in her throat, wondering just how she had let herself become so afraid.

Eva looked over to see her mother looking fondly at Jamie. She was smiling at something he said and as she very precisely placed her cup on its saucer, her gaze caught Eva’s. Eva recognized a softness in her mother’s eyes, one she hadn’t noticed before, and in that moment Eva knew whatever else, her mother loved her. They hadn’t always shared the same outlook on life but if Eva had learnt one thing, it was that there was no easy or perfect way to be a parent. You did the best you could.

Gathering their things, Helen began to list the exhibits they should go and see. Jamie wasn’t looking too enthusiastic until pickled body parts were mentioned and then his face lit up. Sarah and Eva fell in step behind their mother and Jamie as they forged ahead, Helen assuming the role of museum guide.

Eva felt Sarah’s eyes on her. ‘Are you all right?’ she asked.

Eva breathed in deeply, not trusting herself to speak for a moment. Something about the warmth of the museum, the families milling about, and the anticipation of Christmas made her feel disconcerted in some way. She cleared her throat.

‘Of course I’m fine. Why?’ she said with a weak laugh.

‘You just seem a bit quiet – not yourself. Jamie’s okay, isn’t he?’

Something about Sarah’s expression took Eva back to the summer when she had been sixteen and madly in love Danny Collins. Convinced he was about to ask her out, she’d been devastated when he’d started going out instead with Linda Dodds. It had been Sarah who’d told Eva he wasn’t worth it, taking her shopping and telling her everyone knew Linda Dodds was easy anyway. Eva regarded Sarah now, remembering how lucky she’d felt all those years ago to have such a brilliant big sister, and was suddenly overcome by the need to confide.

‘It’s not Jamie. It’s me.’

Sarah stopped in her tracks. ‘You’re not sick are you?’

A rueful laugh came from Eva. ‘I suppose some people might think love is a sickness.’

Sarah’s eyes searched her face. ‘You’re in love?’

‘It would appear so.’

‘Who with?’

Keeping half an eye on Jamie and Helen who were up ahead studying the bronze figure of an Egyptian god, Eva recounted the past few weeks to Sarah including telling Ben nothing could happen between them because she had to focus on Jamie. Sarah had listened carefully and then stopped, turning to Eva.

‘You know, I’ve done a lot of thinking in the past few weeks and it’s only now I truly understand the impact Dad’s death had on us. Just at the time we were both finding out who we were we had to deal with losing him and Mum being on her own. I was happy staying near Mum but I’ve realized I was using her as an excuse not to move forward with my life. I was scared of things going wrong with Jon so it was easier to say to myself I needed to stay with Mum.’

‘And then Mum started going out with George.’

‘Exactly, and then it became harder to use her as a reason not to be with Jon.’

‘It was you who told me, Eva, do you remember? A chance of happiness is too precious to throw away. And you were right. If you love Ben, if you think this might be the real thing, you can’t ignore it for all the wrong reasons.’

‘The wrong reasons?’

Sarah put a hand on her arm and spoke gently. ‘Do you think you might be using Jamie the way I used Mum – to shield you from Ben in case you get hurt?’

Eva opened her mouth to deny it and then closed it again. ‘I don’t know, maybe,’ she sighed. ‘Oh God he’s so great and I’ve totally blown it.’

‘You don’t know that,’ Sarah told her with a smile. ‘It sounds like you might have something special but you won’t know until you take that chance will you? And you deserve it, Eva.’

Eva just about managed to swallow down the lump that had formed in her throat.

‘So do you.’

They remained in thoughtful silence as they started to make their way towards Jamie who was waving them over to see something.

Eva could see life was changing for her sister and her mother, both hopefully on their way to finding happiness and love. And of course Eva wanted that too. She heard Sarah’s words in her head and deep down knew she was right. She was using Jamie as an excuse not to be with Ben when in actual fact if anything he was a reason for them to be together. The thought of Ben driving to London on his own suddenly filled her with regret and she hoped she hadn’t made a huge mistake. She prayed with all her heart it wasn’t too late for her.