Читать книгу The Mills & Boon Sparkling Christmas Collection - Kate Hardy - Страница 41

CHAPTER TEN

XAVIER WOKE WITH a start, his bare shoulders cold, but the warmth of Tilly’s body curled against his was a stark reminder of what had happened last night. Once again they’d spent the night in each other’s arms.

He’d experienced how loving could be and had wanted to be loved by her, and not just physically. But Tilly had made it clear it was only one more night, the last time before they returned to their normal lives. This was just a fling to her.

He reminded himself again that he didn’t deserve anything remotely like love. Not when he’d broken a family apart as easily as his bike had smashed. He dragged his thoughts back to Tilly. Had she been sent to punish him?

She’d been distant as she’d left the lounge last night and he still didn’t understand what had compelled him to go to her room. He’d known it was wrong to want her and he’d turned away, remembering how she’d told him the previous night had been a mistake. But there had been moments today when she couldn’t deny what had exploded to life between them. Or was it merely her damn list?

He’d wanted her again but had turned back, accepting if she had wanted to be with him she wouldn’t have made her excuses and gone so early to her room. But at the top of the stairs he’d sensed her, had felt her gaze on him. She too must have been drawn by the same need. Although this time he’d had no darkness to conceal how underserving of such a moment he was. But it hadn’t mattered.

He relaxed a little, the curtains at the corner of the big four-poster bed partially cocooning them, and he watched her sleep, felt every breath she took and inhaled the scent that was uniquely Tilly. Her claims of yesterday morning burned into his mind. He had been nothing more than a challenge to banish demons from her past, to rid herself of Jason. Had last night been to make sure she had achieved that?

He moved away from her, the soft sigh as she stirred making him drag in a deep breath against the rise of desire. Whatever her reaction was going to be when she woke up, he didn’t want to deal with it—not yet. He needed to steel himself against the moment she would turn her back on him.

It was only a matter of time before the passion they’d shared for a second night was obliterated by the harshness of daylight, just as it had been yesterday. He had to send her away. He had to end it, whatever it was.

He unwound himself from her warm body and got out of bed, pulled on his clothes and slipped from the room. He didn’t trust himself to glance back at the woman asleep in his bed. He couldn’t. Everything was becoming far too complicated. It had been more than a lust-filled night. He’d never wanted to feel anything more than basic desire for her. Yet she’d crept under his defences, giving him hope that maybe he did deserve to love, that he could put everything behind him.

But that wasn’t enough for him. She’d seen beyond the scars on his legs but would she see past his guilt? His actions on the track had killed Paulo—his friend. If he couldn’t forgive himself, nobody else would.

He glared at the Christmas tree as he went down the stairs, muttering curses beneath his breath. Had the damn thing cursed him? No, he’d done that all by himself.

He marched into the small lounge and glanced out of the window. Thankfully it hadn’t snowed again. At least he could organise to get them away from here. He picked up his phone from the desk and as he turned he saw the fire, now just a mass of grey cold ashes. It had been as hot as the passion between him and Tilly when they’d spent the night beneath throws in front of it.

He cursed fluidly in Italian. He and Tilly could never be together. She was far better off without him in her life. He was being selfish to want her. For once in his life he’d think of someone else. It was, after all, just a fling to get over another man she’d wanted.

Angered by that thought, he quickly accessed his emails, sending a message first to Paulo’s widow, warning her he might not make it to her charity event in Milan, then to a friend in London, explaining the situation and asking if they could source a car and driver who could cope in the conditions as quickly as possible, stressing it had to be today. He pressed ‘send’ but it didn’t make him feel relieved at all. It only highlighted that he couldn’t spend another night with Tilly, although he wanted many more nights such as last night.

‘Morning.’ Tilly’s voice broke into his thoughts as she walked into the room, dressed once more in her jeans and black roll neck jumper. ‘Thank goodness it didn’t snow any more in the night. Maybe we can leave today.’

‘Buon giorno.’ Part of him wished it had snowed, wished that it was so deep they’d be here for days, locking them away from the world and reality in a place where they could explore the desire that raged between them. ‘I’ve made enquiries about someone fetching us today.’

Their eyes met and in those few seconds he thought he saw sadness in hers, but then it was gone. ‘Good,’ she said with obvious relief, walking to the window, looking out as the rising sun cast an orange glow on everything. ‘It looks so pretty out there, but it must be cold.’

‘Freezing.’ He joined her at the window, resisting the urge to stand too close. If he did, he’d want to take her in his arms and kiss her. Such thoughts had to be pushed firmly from his mind, for her sake. Their time together was almost over. The real world called.

* * *

Tilly stood by the window, looking out at the snow, desperately trying not to notice the way her heart leapt just because Xavier had moved closer. Again he’d left her as daylight had returned. Alone in his bed, the bed he’d carried her to. It had given a clear message, just as she had when they’d met on the landing. By leaving her this morning he was saying it was over, which made it easier, because if he’d kissed her again...

As he stood looking out at the snow he didn’t make any reference to last night. Despite what she’d told him, part of her hoped that at least he would acknowledge their night together. If that didn’t tell her it was over, nothing did, but the sense of loss which filled her was intense.

By this evening she would be back in her flat. All she wanted now was to leave this place and go back to her life as if their paths had never crossed, although her bucket list would be one item shorter.

She turned away from the window, the cold and lifeless hearth of the fire signifying her moment out of reality was over. She didn’t know how long she could keep up the pretence of indifference when every nerve in her body was screaming for him.

‘When do you expect someone to arrive?’ She all but snapped the words at him in an attempt to stay in control of her battered emotions.

‘It will be at least lunchtime, but we should be back in London by the evening.’ He strode across the room and stood by the open door. She looked up at him, seeing not a trace of the man she’d spent the last two days with. ‘I’ll make us some breakfast.’

‘No, I should do that.’ If he made her breakfast after what they’d shared last night, it would be too intimate and too painful.

‘No, you are my guest.’ The insistence in his voice halted her, stemming the flow of anxious words from bubbling up within her. She’d been his guest since midnight on New Year’s Eve and had become just another woman on his long list of conquests, exactly what she hadn’t wanted to be.

Before she could argue further he left and for a moment she just stood staring at where he’d been standing. Inside her something snapped, or fell into place. Either way, things had changed. ‘Do you always make women breakfast?’

‘Never.’ He marched off, his icy comment lingering in the air as if winter had entered the house.

She was just one of many who’d shared his bed, his passion, but never his love. For the last two nights she’d loved him, not just with her body but with her heart. She’d known it was a mistake. He’d slipped beneath the barricades she’d put up around her heart, determined to keep out such emotions. Now he would break her heart, saying goodbye. But he wasn’t her Mr Right, not a womanising man like Xavier Moretti, and she’d do well to remember that.

‘At least let me help.’ From deep within her she drew on strength and courage she hadn’t known she had. He would never know just what he’d unlocked.

He looked at her, raising a brow in that devilishly handsome way, sending her pulse racing. ‘I think I’m capable of making breakfast so, please, sit and relax.’

He glanced at her when she sat at the kitchen table. It all felt too real, too much like normal life and not at all like the nights they had shared. Once again daylight was bringing harsh reality. How could he act as if it hadn’t happened?

‘I know your nonna gave you a love of food and cooking, but what made you set up a business?’ He stopped what he was doing and looked at her, directly into her eyes, his dark ones searching hers. But what for? What was he hoping to find?

She held his gaze boldly. Did he know he’d touched a raw nerve, hit on the one thing she didn’t want to talk about, this morning of all mornings? The last three days had made her look at everything differently, from her need to stay professional to the realisation that she’d never loved Jason, not passionately. She’d also questioned the inability to contact her father’s family, knowing it was because she feared their rejection. They’d done it to her mother, only Nonna having maintained contact.

‘I guess I was looking for a challenge and a bit of spontaneity in my life.’ She used his advice from last night, turned it around and made it fit her explanation, hoping that would be the end of the discussion.

‘As good a reason as any,’ he said, and cracked eggs into a bowl, whisking them with obvious ease. Everything seemed so relaxed—apart from her.

‘I’m impressed.’ She couldn’t help but tease him. He really did bring out the lighter side of her, the side that didn’t worry and question everything, not needing to always be in total control. He’d coaxed out her spontaneous side a bit further with each falling snowflake.

‘Then my first mission of the day is complete.’ He put the eggs and toast on the table and sat down, his handsome face holding a hint of mischief. He was enjoying this.

‘And your second mission? Is that to get back to London?’ The questions slipped from her before she thought of any consequences, and judging by the look he cast her way it was exactly what he was hoping for and she hid her desire for things to be different behind bravado. ‘It will be a relief to get back to London.’

‘Have you not enjoyed your time here?’

How could he ask that? Tilly’s heart broke a little as the answer came to mind. Their time together had been nothing more than a fling for him. She’d been a convenient distraction from the situation they’d found themselves in and his obvious dislike of Christmas, which she knew was linked to the accident.

It should have been the same for her. Hadn’t she eventually decided he was her bucket list affair? The one that would help her move on from Jason? Somewhere along the way she’d lost sight of that. Each kiss had touched her heart a little deeper, each touch binding her to him a little bit more. She hadn’t wanted love, hadn’t been seeking it, not after what had happened last year, but it had found her.

She looked across the table at him, trying to remember what he’d just asked her, but her mind was blank. All she could think of was that this man was the man she loved, that he could be her Mr Right if things had been different, but she could never tell him. He’d made it plain that their time together meant nothing. Thank goodness she’d told him about her list, that he was merely a tick on that list.

‘I’m sorry if it’s been miserable, stuck here with me.’ There was a hint of hurt in his voice as he spoke firmly, bringing her rapidly from her thoughts.

‘No, it’s not that.’ She struggled to find the right way to explain. ‘Neither of us planned this to happen and if we are totally honest, we know what did happen wouldn’t have if it hadn’t been for the snow.’

‘You are right. It wouldn’t have.’ The hard words fired back at her and her heart squeezed with pain. What they’d shared had been nothing more than a passing moment. Two vulnerable people stranded together, sharing secrets. But even so she’d harboured a little bit of hope.

‘And once we are back in London?’ She almost didn’t dare ask, but she needed to know, needed to hear it from him.

For a moment she dared to allow herself to imagine him saying he wanted to see her again, that he wanted much more than just the three nights they’d spent here together. She looked at his hard expression, realising such hope was futile. What they’d shared was over. The mutually beneficial fling had come to an end, expired, just as her contract had done.

‘I will have your van returned to you as soon as possible.’ His voice shattered the fragile image of things she shouldn’t want. The fact that it would be returned and not that he would return it didn’t go unnoticed. All connections would be severed and his life would go on as before. Whereas hers... How could she go back to her life when he’d woken the spontaneous, happy and passionate woman she’d always wished she could be?

‘I don’t want anyone to know about us.’ She looked down at the breakfast, which suddenly looked very unappetising. She was acting from self-preservation. There was no way she could admit what she really wanted. This was worse than her wedding morning when Jason had told her it was over. ‘From a professional point of view, I don’t want to risk future clients finding out.’

‘Sì, that is best. What happened here will stay here, within these walls, probably adding to secrets from generations ago.’

She looked up at him, pain crushing her. How had she got so close so quickly? Was it simply because of the intimate moments they’d shared, the secrets they’d spoken of?

It was much more than that—for her at least. It was love. She hadn’t ever allowed herself to fall in love, not even with Jason, and without realising it she’d fallen in love with Xavier Moretti as quickly as the snow had fallen from the grey sky. The worst man possible to love.

He wasn’t like the boy she’d grown up with who had suddenly wanted more from life than she could give. This was a man who thrived on his playboy reputation, who was probably even now planning his next meaningless affair.

He didn’t love her. She had to remember that as they left this place. For him it had been nothing more than an opportune affair, just as it should have been for her.

No matter how her heart broke at the prospect, she was determined to say goodbye in a cool and dignified way. She couldn’t risk him knowing how she felt, not when he would merely dismiss that love as nothing. She would walk away from this with her head held high.

* * *

Xavier put their cases into the back of the four-wheel drive his friend had organised, thankful that they would at least be heading back to London before the end of the day. He didn’t think he could spend another night here and not go to Tilly.

He glanced at her as she got into the back and wondered how she really felt. The driver sat solemnly waiting as he climbed up into the back beside her. There wouldn’t be any chance of talk now. Not real talk. He’d never know if it had been simply lust-filled passion or something more that had filled their nights.

Her cold acceptance and obvious relief at being rescued proved what she’d said as they’d walked in the snow yesterday morning. Their first night together had been wrong, a mistake. So what did that make last night? Another item ticked off her list, one to prove her new-found spontaneity?

He tried to ignore the sizzle from being close to her. Tilly pulled out her phone and sent a text. She looked up at him, as if sensing his scrutiny.

‘Just letting Vanessa know I’m heading back to London. We’ll catch up at her party.’ Her face looked a little pale but she smiled brightly at him, her excitement for her friend showing clearly. Or was it that they were on their way home and she would be free of him?

He looked out at the passing countryside, white and unrecognisable, admitting that whatever strange emotion she’d evoked in him, he wasn’t looking for any kind of commitment. How could he when most nights the accident filled his dreams and the pain remained in his legs as a constant reminder. The last two nights had been dream-free. He stifled a growl of anger. He didn’t deserve the love of a woman when he’d deprived another of the man she loved because of the need to win a race.

Finally the snowy countryside gave way to suburban scenes and he knew there wouldn’t be much longer to endure this feeling of being tortured. He’d say goodbye, make it clear it was exactly that and walk away. Whatever he was beginning to feel for her, she deserved better.

‘Not long now,’ she said, her soft words dragging him from his thoughts. He didn’t recognise the streets they were in and tried not to notice where they were going. He didn’t want to know where she lived.

‘It’s good to be back,’ he lied, hoping the harshness of his words would leave her in no doubt it was over between them. This was his way of protecting them both from the hot passion and tender love they’d shared that could never be repeated.

‘Yes. It is.’ Her soft voice held a hint of regret.

The driver pulled over and before he’d had a chance to stop himself he looked out at the street they were in. Damn. He didn’t want to see its name, didn’t want it imprinted on his mind so he could imagine her here. He wanted it to remain just an anonymous London street. He needed to keep her for ever in the snowy manor, in his memory at least.

‘I’ll walk you to your door.’ He was out of the vehicle before she could argue and as he pulled her case out she joined him.

‘There’s no need Xavier, please.’ The defiant lift of her chin reminded him of the first time he’d wanted to kiss her.

The firmness of her words also held a warning. She didn’t want to prolong them being together at all, or for him to know exactly where she lived.

‘Va bene. Then I say goodbye and thank you.’

‘Thank you?’ Her soft lips parted, unwittingly inviting his kiss, and he clenched his hands tightly against the need to take that kiss.

‘It was a very memorable New Year’s Eve, despite the circumstances that forced us together.’ He knew he sounded brisk and indifferent, he could see the shock in her eyes, but he was reminding himself he couldn’t have more.

‘We’re back in London now and our time at the manor stays there. Remember?’ There was a slight wobble to her voice and a question in her eyes. He fought hard against the urge to tell her that he wanted more, if only guilt would set him free, but he couldn’t tell her. She’d calmly told him he was nothing more than a tick on her list. A fling to get over the man who’d broken her heart.

‘Sì, cara. I remember. Arrivederci, Natalie.’ Pride kept him from saying anything—and fear of rejection.

* * *

‘Goodbye, Signor Moretti.’ Tilly’s legs were weak as she stood there, looking into the handsome face of the man she loved. She wanted to tell him not to go, tell him something special had started, something they shouldn’t let go of, but the fierce glitter in his eyes kept her words from forming.

He hadn’t hidden the fact that all he’d expected had been a brief affair, company during the hours of darkness. She’d used the same excuse herself, but it had been a way of justifying how he’d swept her away that first moment their eyes had met. She’d labelled it a bucket list fling in her mind, one Jason had pushed her into. But if she was honest she knew it was more.

She picked up her small overnight bag and clutched the dress she’d draped over her arm as if it were a lifeline. Never again could she wear it, or even look at it.

She turned and walked towards the main door of her flat. The building was familiar and should have steadied her nerves, but it didn’t. Nothing in London seemed to have changed—but she had.

‘Tilly?’

Hope flared to life inside her at the tentative tone of his voice as she turned back to look at him. Tell me, she thought as she watched various emotions cross his face. Tell me you want me—that you’ve fallen in love with me.

‘Yes?’ Her voice sounded amazingly firm considering all that was rushing around in her head.

‘Email me with the bill—and make sure the cost reflects all the time you were at the manor.’

She swallowed down the bad taste that had sprung to her lips. He didn’t want her—all he was worried about was settling his bill. And she thought she’d used him.

She nodded, not able to say anything. The hard expression on his face told her he wouldn’t want her to. All he wanted was to get away as fast as possible. Even now he was turning and walking back towards the car.

Before a single tear sprang from her eyes she made her way to her flat, wanting to get inside and shut him out of her life for good. Behind her she heard a car door slam shut and an engine start. The man she loved was leaving. She wanted to turn, wanted to catch one last glimpse of him, but that would only intensify her pain.

She’d got what she wanted. The opportunity to move on from Jason, to be a different woman. What she hadn’t planned on doing was falling in love with a man who could leave and never give her a second thought.

She put her key in the lock, the first step to returning to her normal life. A soft whisper slipped from her lips. ‘Arrivederci, Xavier.’