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Chapter 3

What else drives ‘telling’?

The previous chapter provided some valuable insight into helping you to think about your role in aged care and your approach to it. I am sure that most of you will relate to that sense of conformity and ‘fitting in’ to the norms, and also of unconsciously conforming to the way things are or have been done in your workplace and culture, rather than by a way of your choosing.

I’d now like to take some time to highlight what other factors are at play in our role definition that need to be given further consideration to help us deal with the challenge of being less of a ‘teller’ and more of an ‘asker’. I always find that when we consider the prospect of asking more questions of someone instead of telling them what to do, there is some internal resistance that comes from the person who is doing the asking. In this chapter, I will attempt to deal with some of the potential issues that arise for the person who assumes the role of an ‘asker’.

I am going to work through a practical example that you will be able to relate to and that will help to demonstrate the points I’d like to make. Let’s imagine that a case manager working in aged care – let’s call him Martin – has a 65-year-old client Jill, and that historically, mainly due to a lack of awareness, he has been more of a ‘teller’ than an ‘asker’ and so has created an habitual way of responding to her.

The example we will use is where Jill is talking to Martin about a problem she is having with a family member and Martin simply responds by advising her what she needs to do. Indeed, Martin identifies with the ‘telling’ space because he considers himself to be helpful and has always believed that dealing with situations in this way was best, as he knows that his clients appreciate his advice. However, fortunately Martin recently attended a workshop where he learnt the skill of asking Better Questions. Whilst at the workshop, he realises that he has been too much of a ‘teller’ in the past and decides that when he returns to work he will start to ask some of those Better Questions.

Martin returns to work, and a week later he has an appointment to visit Jill again. When he goes out for the visit, Jill shares an update with him and advises that she is still having a problem with the family member she discussed with him last time. Jill will undoubtedly have an expectation that Martin will provide another solution for her – after all, this is what has always happened in the past.

Now, Martin is feeling a little apprehensive about changing his approach and asking some Better Questions of Jill, believing that she may not be comfortable if he adopts this approach. He is concerned that she will think he is in a bad mood or that he is being unhelpful; after all, case managers are meant to be there for their clients!

You can see from this example that once you have overcome the hurdle of dealing with your own perceptions of how you should fulfil your role, you will need to start thinking about how you can deal with the way your clients perceive you, particularly if they are used to your telling them what to do. If you have formed a certain way of interacting with your clients and you suddenly change, there is a good chance it may not be well received. Once you have established a way of doing things, it will potentially be more challenging to change because of existing perceptions. However, change is certainly possible and it may be easier than you think.

Changing your style

I will now share with you some ideas that will help you deal with the challenges highlighted here, in the hope that something will inspire you to find a solution that is going to work for you. There are many potential solutions to deal with challenges, and whilst I never pretend to have all the answers, the following ideas definitely will help.

In the example above, where Martin is changing from being a ‘teller’ to an ‘asker’, my simple advice is to let Jill know what he is doing and why he is doing it! I think it’s important to remember that there are ways to convey a message, and so it is important that your clients understand that this is genuinely about you wanting to change your style and is not about them having done anything wrong. Whilst I personally don’t like scripts, what follows are some possible words that you might use that will help you to sincerely convey your reasons for your change in approach:

I will always do my best to help you in whatever way I can, and this means that sometimes I may not simply tell you what to do and instead I will ask you a few questions. I know that you have some great ideas and that every time I solve a problem for you by telling you what to do, I am not valuing your wisdom and knowledge or allowing you to express your thoughts. So, in future, what I’d like to do is ask you some more questions that enable you to bring your ideas to the table because I know you have got lots to contribute!

As I said, it is important that you bring your own preferred language and style when conveying the message, and as long as it is positive and confidence-building I have found that most clients will get where you are coming from, and many will appreciate your change in approach. I do recognise that this may not be the case for all clients and some may positively resist your asking them questions, so we will explore this further in a later chapter about dealing with challenges and issues with asking Better Questions. Being open, then, about your reason for asking questions is, I believe, the best way to proceed, and I suggest that it is very powerful to outline how you wish to fulfil your role so that you proactively manage clients’ expectations of you. If you don’t proactively manage the clients’ expectations of you, it will be easy to fall back into the habit of doing what they expect rather than what you now choose to do.

Of course, another option Martin has in this situation with Jill is to actually say nothing other than to ask the question and see what happens. It may be that there isn’t an ingrained expectation of you that you will always be the ‘expert’ and answer questions. This means that you are far freer to take on the role of asker without any adverse reaction and the need for lengthy explanations. Indeed, from feedback I have had, it appears that some clients engage very willingly and forthrightly when given the opportunity to, which makes your ‘asker’ role so much easier to carry out in practice.

Let’s revisit the Martin and Jill scenario again, because I do acknowledge that it is possible that Martin may decide at some point to still be a ‘teller’ in this situation, depending upon how the conversation progresses. For example, if Jill presents as being absolutely stuck and in dire need of help, my advice is to still be a questioner initially, because she may still be more knowledgeable than she realises. If, however, after a couple of questions it becomes clear to Martin that Jill really is stuck and is looking more to him in his role of the ‘expert’, then it is clear that Martin needs to switch to the other end of our imaginary line and become a ‘teller’.

The ego

Let’s explore one other aspect of our preference to be more of a ‘teller’, and that is an aspect of human nature that most of us don’t like to talk about – the role of the ego. It will be helpful to demonstrate the role that our ego plays in typical, everyday situations. So let’s go back to the same scenario, where Jill shares a problem with Martin.

Remember that most of us are programmed to respond by telling or advising another person what to do when presented with a problem, so automatically we provide an answer, or at the very least a suggestion to help them. Now what I’d like you to think about is the impact that ‘telling’ has on Martin after he has helped Jill. Whilst most of what I am about to describe isn’t done at a conscious level, there is a good chance his ego will get a boost from his actions. As human beings we all have a need to feel significant and good about who we are and what we do, and in this instance Martin will be feeling a sense of self-satisfaction due to the fact that he has:

•helped Jill out

•demonstrated his knowledge and wisdom

•proven that he is a good case manager.

Whilst I accept that there may be a little cynicism in these points, they aren’t too far from the truth if we are prepared to be honest. So, if this is the case then we need to recognise that if we change to being an ‘asker’ rather than a ‘teller’, this sense of self-satisfaction won’t occur in the same way because we are no longer providing an answer. Given that we are strongly motivated by doing things that make us feel good about ourselves, the possibility of changing a habit that enables us to give ourselves a pat on the back is not going to be easy to do. That said, I trust that sharing this awareness with you enables you to be prepared for letting go of this ‘ego fix’. The good news is that I guarantee that your ego will indeed still feel very satisfied from the new practice of asking Better Questions. Accordingly, at this stage please trust me that at the end of the day your ego will still be its normal, happy self, and maybe even more content than usual if you adopt an ‘asking’ approach.

Thus, understanding how you’d like to go about performing your role and the values that you will uphold is the starting point to being a better aged care professional who asks Better Questions. Once you have that clear in your mind, you must have the strength of your convictions to go into the world and be that person, which will include managing the expectations of self and your clients. This will undoubtedly bring challenges along the way, but I believe that a better professional will have the resilience and resolve to work their way through these challenges. After all, wanting to tap into their clients’ potential and truly valuing empowerment are fabulous attributes of a true Potentialiser, attributes that society, and particularly aged care, is crying out for.

CHAPTER SUMMARY Typically we ‘tell’ because it’s a habit and our clients may well expect us to. Being clear about our values and beliefs about how we want to fulfil our role will enable us to manage expectations more easily. Our egos like the ‘telling’ approach because it gives us a sense of self-satisfaction, particularly if the ‘teller’ thinks they are being helpful. Letting go of the ‘telling’ approach may appear to be difficult at first because of your ego, but it will still be satisfied if you do more ‘asking’.