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Self-Care and the Whole Girl 4

YOU ARE READING this book because you care. And you demonstrate your care in many ways, from providing for your daughter’s basic needs for food and clothing to delivering comfort and emotional safety. As girls grow up, consider shifting from care giver to care guider. Empower girls to demonstrate that they can care for themselves, deeply and deliberately, as they grow up. You will be the best judge of how to balance providing care with encouraging her self-care.

So see what happens when she learns how to practise self-care and self-nurture and realizes that she can ease her stress and discomfort, feel more confident, and discover more pleasure and fulfillment in her days. There are many ways to encourage a girl to turn inward and provide herself with the care she needs and deserves. As girls take the lead in identifying their needs and getting them met, they learn invaluable life lessons of independence and responsibility.

When girls come to know how to provide for themselves, they send a clear message to themselves (and others) about their self-worth and self-respect. This can be revolutionary. They will have to come to terms with the fact that putting one’s own needs first will inevitably mean disappointing those who are used to a different status quo. Girls are natural caregivers and nurturers, but often their priorities become skewed—for example, when they help a friend in need even though they themselves feel depleted and empty. By making the decision to care for herself first, and until she feels restored, she will ultimately have more to offer others.

Girls need to know that self-care is not selfish. Rather, it’s a gift they can give to themselves. And when girls make self-care a habit and choose to focus on self first, they may feel enhanced inner strength, emboldened to keep going, and as though they can conquer the whole world!

“Conversations require complete disregard for the clock.” JULIA ROBERTS

Self-care is a daily and consistent habit, a reflective practice of knowing and loving the entire self. Getting started can be as simple as choosing to do even one good thing for herself every day. Let’s look at self-care in terms of the whole girl: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.

Physical Self

Girls taking care of their bodies begins with excellent hygiene. This includes washing their body, cutting their nails, brushing their hair, and caring for their skin with sunscreen, medicated cream, and moisturizer.

Beyond these hygiene basics, we need to educate girls to honour and respect their bodies by fuelling and nourishing them with whole and nutritious foods and drinking plenty of water to stay hydrated. The expression “You are what you eat” is absolutely correct! When girls eat healthy foods such as fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, and whole grains, and limit sugary, fatty, and processed foods, not only will they have more energy, but they will feel healthier and better about themselves. Consuming nutritionally dense foods will contribute to healthy, glowing skin, strong teeth and nails, and thick and shiny hair, not to mention more balanced hormones (helpful to avoid painful periods) and emotions (fewer mood swings).

We can embolden girls with the eating philosophy “Eat when hungry, and stop when full,” or author Michael Pollan’s good advice for healthy eating: “Eat food, not too much, mostly plants.”¹ If a girl can connect to and be mindful of the feedback from her body, she will gain wisdom about what kind of self-care she needs. It’s important that she knows that her weight does not determine her self-worth.

One need that girls sometimes underestimate is that of keeping active and moving their bodies every single day to stay fit and healthy. Being physically active aids in digestion, disease prevention, stress reduction, and mental performance and productivity. As well, girls who are physically active are more likely to have confidence and a healthy body image. Physical exertion throughout the day will also improve sleep, and sleep is a non-negotiable necessity: they need at least eight hours each night to restore and rejuvenate. Getting adequate sleep will improve memory and creativity (and grades), build focus and attention, and, again, increase positive moods. A girl has a plethora of activities to choose from—indoor or outdoor, solo or group—and she may want to explore numerous options to find out which she loves most, and which is the best fit for her level of physical ability.

Ultimately, girls need to know that their bodies know exactly what to do and how to achieve wholeness and balance. It’s their job to pay attention, listen, and trust in their bodies, and then to get out the way so their bodies can keep them healthy.

Mental Self

As girls grow, their brains continue to grow too (until age twenty-four). We can teach girls how to care for their brains and not just by wearing helmets when they bike. We can teach girls how to manage their thoughts. It’s not easy to become aware of what you’re thinking and to self-regulate a busy mind—for any of us at any age! Girls need to understand the maxim “Don’t believe everything you think.” Thoughts will come and go like monkeys swinging from branch to branch (the “monkey mind” is a common metaphor in certain schools of meditation), but they don’t need to believe them all. We can encourage girls to investigate their thoughts, releasing any that keep them stuck, by teaching them to first pay attention and to then be curious about their thinking, with questions such as “Is this thought true?” and “How do I know it is true?”

I can tell you that as girls’ brains develop, they start to gain what we call “metacognition,” the ability to think about their thinking. As metacognition develops, girls can improve their awareness of what they are thinking and to what degree. It’s true—sometimes girls’ thoughts are bang on, and can be trusted to guide them to the right decision; other times they are inaccurate or exaggerated. We can help girls sort through their thoughts until they learn to do it themselves. But we’ll never be able to help them do this if we aren’t cultivating connection and talking with them on a regular basis—how else will we know what thoughts keep coming up for them?

Girls greatly benefit from stress-reduction activities such as deep breathing, muscle relaxation, and visualization, to slow down and calm their rapid-fire thinking—or, as I call it, their A-to-Z thinking—and to focus on one thought at a time.

Emotional Self

We can help girls care for their emotions by encouraging them to express themselves. So many girls keep their feelings hidden and buried inside. We can teach them that their emotions can seem much worse and larger when kept on the inside, and convey to them the importance of sharing their inner worlds. Holding feelings inside can negatively influence girls’ physical health and well-being. We can encourage girls to explore their feelings with us. Often, when girls are given the safe space to do so, they feel unburdened and restored. If girls aren’t comfortable confiding in a trusted friend or family member, they might seek alternatives, such as writing in a journal, drawing or colouring, meditation, or yoga.

“Many of the most accomplished girls are disconnecting from the truest parts of themselves, sacrificing essential self-knowledge to the pressures of who they think they ought to be.” RACHEL SIMMONS

Girls need to learn that when they can identify their feelings and express themselves freely, they are caring for their needs and are much more likely to feel relieved, supported, and like they are not alone. It’s also important for girls to be able to match their emotional needs appropriately. By that I mean, if a girl can identify that she is sad, she can get her needs met with a hug or a safe space in which to release her tears, for instance. Conversely, if a girl is feeling happy, she can get her needs met by excitedly telling you all about her amazing day.

Sometimes emotional needs are met in unhealthy or avoidant ways—being angry with the wrong person, or taking a vow of silence and refusing to talk. Worse yet is when girls look for such extreme disconnection that they self-harm. Self-harm is a way for girls to manage uncomfortable and painful feelings. It can relieve built-up emotions, reduce stress, and help girls feel numb so that they “don’t have to feel anything,” especially emotional pain. Self-harm can also be a way to ease social anxieties, or even to retaliate against those who have wronged her. Self-harm is an external indicator of an internal struggle and a blatant cry for help.

Self-harm is an effective behaviour insofar as it provides short-term relief, but it comes with negative long-term consequences. By the time a girl engages in self-harm, she is desperate and may feel she has no other option. Self-harm can take the form of cutting or burning skin, scratching, binge drinking or excessive drug use, or an eating disorder. (If you suspect that a girl is participating in extreme self-harm, please seek professional help.) More subtle forms of self-harm include emotional eating, social isolation and withdrawal, harsh self-criticism or perfectionism, and self-neglect, such as ignoring personal hygiene. All these behaviours have one thing in common: they are seen as superior alternatives to feeling unbearable emotional pain.

A recent—and startling—discovery by sociologists is that a proliferation of online chat rooms for girls who participate in self-harm has shifted self-harm from a psychological disorder to a subculture that involves exploring how to harm oneself “better.” With this shift, self-harm took on new social meanings, remaining a behaviour practiced by psychologically troubled individuals who used it to soothe their trauma, but also it became a legitimated mode of emotional expression and relief among a wider population.”² As I see it, the insidious potential of the Internet to encourage harmful behaviour is just another reason girls need you to spend time with them face to face.

Whatever form self-harm takes, we need to see this subculture as one demanding our attention and intervention. Girls are not the problem here; the problem is the problem. Something is wrong, and there are reasons behind this extreme, devastating form of disconnection. As the supporters of girls, we must figure out the why that is driving these destructive behaviours, so that we can assist them in getting the help they need and in ultimately making healthier choices. Self-harm is a clear marker that strong needs—usually coping tools and, specifically, self-care—are not being met. Self-care, then, is the preventive approach to self-harm.

Let’s rewind. Take the girl who has had a terrible day: she is rejected by a boy and called a disparaging name like “bitch” or “slut”; she feels as if her life has gone from bad to worse. Devastated, she returns home from school, only to find her parents both working late again and none of her friends responding to her texts. She resorts to cutting because she wants to numb out, but also because she feels that nobody cares, so why should she?

How can we prevent her from getting to a place of such despair? A focus on self-care may not prevent all acts of self-harm, but foundational work on the front end can drastically decrease the likelihood of the destructive behaviour and illuminate alternative paths to managing difficult feelings and practising self-care.

Spiritual Self

A girl’s spiritual self can mean many things, but mostly it is the connection she feels with herself and the world around her. A girl’s spirituality moves far beyond her daily activities of school, sports, and friendships. To encourage girls to take care of their spiritual selves, and their inner peace and joyfulness, we can discuss the importance of quiet time and of time alone for self-reflection. This means slowing down, making and taking time to be still, and removing all distractions from sight (smartphones, iPads, laptops). It is in these quiet moments of solitude that girls can consider who they are and how they want to contribute to the world. As it says in the Bible, “In quietness and trust is your strength.”³ We can facilitate spiritual growth in girls by helping them explore the ways they can foster this growth. This could be time spent outside, time spent alone, or time spent with a higher power. When girls become centred and grounded in themselves and care for their innermost being, they feel strong and stable in a new way. Chapter 10 examines girls and spirituality in more depth.

As you have read, care comes in many ways, and it can be nurtured and taught from a very young age. When a girl comes to practise self-care on a daily basis, she feels she is worth caring for, and this will help her be clear about her value and about how others must value her too. A girl who understands and embraces self-care habits understands that she can take care of her needs and respect herself, and that self-care is self-love. We can definitely tell her when she is displaying wonderful self-care, and we can step in when she needs a few hints about how she could do a better job of caring for herself.

CULTIVATING CONNECTION

Let’s talk about:

•Why self-care is so important.

•All the different ways to practise self-care and the different ways to nurture her body, mind, and soul. There are many possibilities. And don’t forget about the simple things she can do, like drinking lots of water, adding special requests to the family grocery list, and keeping in her backpack things like tissues for a runny nose, lip balm to heal dry lips, lotion for soothing dry skin, and Band-Aids (just in case). Other ways include listening to inspirational music and watching inspirational movies.

•How practising self-care could make her feel. Have her say these positive messages out loud and explain how it feels when she tells herself I am worth it, I deserve care, and I love how I feel when I take care of myself. Is it difficult for her to accept that these are all true?

•What you notice: I notice that you seem sad lately. I notice that you seem quiet. When you are ready, let’s talk about these feelings. Use a light yet caring tone; you won’t get anywhere if you sound critical or accusatory.

READ MORE

The Art of Extreme Self-Care, by Cheryl Richardson

The Tender Cut: Inside the Hidden World of Self-Injury, by Patricia Adler and Peter Adler

VIEW MORE

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, www.girlshealth.gov/

Let’s try:

•Creating a self-care package for when she feels she needs extra comfort and care. Find a container and spend some time gathering items she feels she can use to care for herself, especially those that engage the senses. Think about including chewing gum, a hair brush, lip balm, and hand lotion.

•Creating a self-care plan, listing as many ideas as possible for self-care acts she can practise throughout the day, such as using an umbrella when it rains, giving herself a self-hug or pat on the back, or holding a key chain or memento that reminds her of you. Decorate the self-care plan; laminate it if you’re able.

•Experimenting with various foods, and asking her to gauge how she feels when she eats certain foods (for example, a handful of candy versus a handful of nuts and raisins), to teach her the difference between foods that drain and foods that fuel.

•Having a pamper night of washing hair, experimenting with hairstyles, cleaning and polishing nails (hands and feet), soaking and moisturizing feet, and mini-massages. Throw in a movie you both love and a bowl of popcorn and it’ll be even more fun!

•Creating a sleep-time ritual: consider preparing for bed with a shower or bath, fresh pyjamas and bedding, warm lighting, candles or a scent (perhaps an aromatherapy diffuser with essential oils), and either a book to share with her or a conversation about her day and anything on her mind. This ritual might become something she starts to look forward to—a winding down from her busy day, and a time to feel nurtured and calm.

CONNECTION TOOL Self-Care—Ten Ways to Feel Good about You

Self-care can be easy to talk about; the hard part may be doing it. So here are 10 ideas to for putting self-care into action.

1.Drink enough water.

2.Get enough sleep.

3.Eat a variety of whole and nutritious foods.

4.Spend time with people who help you to feel good.

5.Have fun and laugh.

6.Practise life balance.

7.Speak kindly and positively to yourself.

8.Set boundaries and stick to them.

9.Make time for YOU!

10.Do more of what makes you happy.