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Girl in the Mirror 5

WOULDN’T IT BE amazing if girls looked in the mirror and just smiled at what they saw? Girls are exceptionally good (as are most women) at pointing out and highlighting their bodies’ flaws, what they don’t like and what they feel they need to change. Isn’t it heartbreaking to watch her critique her beautiful body and wish she were someone else? We need to inspire our girls to be kind to their bodies, and kind to themselves.

When times get tough and they need to regain a sense of control, girls can turn on their bodies, blaming and denying. As counsellor Julia V. Taylor says, “When you try something that doesn’t work and you can’t figure out why, it’s easy to turn your insecurities into body blaming because your body is right in front of you.”¹ The body itself is not the problem, but by focusing on weight and other aspects, a girl can manufacture a feeling of control to distract herself from the feeling that her world is spinning out of control. This strategy may give a girl a temporary sense of relief and an elusive sense of control and sense of self, but in the long term, this strategy may contribute to her damaging her body and neglecting her true need for body love and connection.

We can help girls, before they turn against their bodies, to have a true and honest relationship with them. As we saw in Chapter 4, this means nourishing themselves with nutritious foods, hydrating with a lot of water, being active and exercising, and resting and rejuvenating. It also includes speaking kindly and positively toward herself. When a girl feels out of control, it is a sign for her to amplify her self-care, not turn against herself. When it feels like the world is spinning out of control, she can take that as a sign that she needs to take better care of herself, not neglect herself. Encourage her to look with soft and loving eyes at her body and at those around her, instead of with critical eyes.

“I keep telling myself that I’m a human being, an imperfect human being who’s not made to look like a doll, and that who I am as a person is more important than whether at that moment I have a nice figure.” EMMA WATSON

And that will be a challenge, given that girls are constantly bombarded by the media’s subliminal messages that they are not good enough, not beautiful enough, not skinny enough. They see as many as three thousand images each day and are growing up with such advertising as an integral part of youth culture.² Many of these ads are designed for the sole purpose of selling products, labels, ideas—all of which involve skewed notions of happiness, success, and perfection. Even #nofilter posts—the current trend—are deceptive, since, in reality, achieving this “effortless appearance” requires a great deal of effort.

To guide a girl in developing a positive and healthy body image, teach her to focus on what she loves about her body—in terms of both how it looks and what it can do. Ask her what these things are. She may say her beautiful blue eyes or her shiny hair or her high jumping or her ability to run long distances or swim like a fish. Let her choose. The point is to switch her focus from finding flaws to seeing the beauty of what she’s got.

Encourage her to look at the real bodies of others—this means girls at school, not models on the runway or the pages of magazines. Girls seem to be eager to let go of being little girls and skip ahead to adolescence and, yes, being sexy. It may start harmlessly, playing dress-up and wearing Mom’s heels, singing along to pop songs that describe the experiences of young women. Eventually, the everyday outfits growing girls choose may become inappropriate (hiked up really high or slung really low) and their makeup more noticeable, and before they know it, they’re beaming with pride at the comment that they are “hot.”

Girls equate “hot,” “pretty,” and “sexy” with being accepted; they aren’t equating looking sexy with the actual act of sex. Risqué outfits may be trendy, but these clothing options tend to attract unwanted attention. Because of changes in diet and exercise (and an accompanying increase in body mass index, or BMI), girls are maturing physically faster and earlier than those of any other generation; girls as young as eight are wearing A cups and have clear curves. This does not mean their emotional maturity matches their bodies, nor that they understand the social and emotional damage that might result from dressing sexily at such an early age.

It’s not a girl’s fault. Sex sells, and “sexy” content is everywhere—girls are inundated with graphic images, and they’re being taught that being sexy is a valued quality in women. But I’d argue that most girls do not really want to grow up so soon. They want to play and have fun. They think they want to grow up quickly because of what they see in music videos and on social media. And they definitely want to be accepted. Sexual objectification can seem like a shortcut to connection, but it’s a dangerous path—one that can ultimately lead to a much deeper sense of disconnection.

So let’s encourage girls to stop obsessing over fabricated images of women they see in the media and to instead design images of their own. In my workshop “Media Madness and Mixed Messages,” for girls ages nine to fourteen, I ask participants to identify mixed messages in magazines, including in the advertisements. It doesn’t take them long. They point out headlines such as “Take the Perfect Selfie,” followed by “Love Yourself Just as You Are!” Or “Be Your Best, Healthy Self” right beside “How to Lose Five Pounds in a Day.” It also doesn’t take them long to realize how confusing this could be for someone who doesn’t know better. You don’t need my workshop to teach girls to be skeptical of media messages. By being educated about the power of the media, girls will not only understand how the media is manipulating them, but also make the connection between what they see “out there” and how they feel on the inside. Once girls know this, they can’t “unknow” it. This is the beauty of awareness.

The best tool with which we can equip girls is the truth, and here it is: There is nothing wrong with them. They are valuable just as they are. We need to teach girls that they are so much more than their bodies. Girls need to stop the comparison game. Each body is part of a larger, authentic, whole self. And there are aspects about each unique body that help to tell the story of who the girl is and where she came from. We can encourage her to dig deep within and accept whatever she discovers, including all the things that make her unique—her ethnicity, her culture, her gender identity, her abilities, and her disabilities.

Lead her to connect with her cultural and ethnic background as she notices and understands difference. Show her photos of her ancestors, so she sees that although her skin tone may not work with the shade of makeup her friends like to wear, it’s exactly like her grandmother’s. If she doesn’t want to wear the same dress as the other members of her dance group, talk with her about why that is, and suggest ways to talk to her teacher about choosing her own costume.

Parents of girls with a physical disability or chronic illness are likely already aware of the value of accepting what bodies can do and what makes them beautiful. A girl must honour her unique features and appreciate body differences. And when people talk about her body—fat shaming, skinny shaming, or pointing out certain body parts or body changes—she needs to know that her body is her own and that these comments are not acceptable. She can push back by telling people that talking about her body is not okay!

“People often say that ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder,’ and I say that the most liberating thing about beauty is realizing that you are the beholder. This empowers us to find beauty in places where others have not dared to look, including inside ourselves.” SALMA HAYEK

Ask a girl to share her personality, and the qualities she feels she embodies, with you. Have conversations about hidden talents, strengths, and what she is learning to do. Be curious about her hopes and dreams and who she imagines becoming. Inner beauty—and nurturing a beautiful spirit—really does shine through and evolves into outer beauty. When a girl feels strong about her body and takes an inside-out approach to feeling and being beautiful, she is well on her way to understanding true beauty and the girl in the mirror.

READ MORE

The Body Image Workbook for Teens, by Julia V. Taylor

VIEW MORE

Killing Us Softly 4, Media Education Foundation Study Guide, by Jean Kilbourne

“Looks Aren’t Everything. Believe Me, I’m a Model,” TED Talk by Cameron Russell

CULTIVATING CONNECTION

Let’s talk about:

•The body parts that she loves and the ones she doesn’t love as much.

•How she feels in her body and when she is moving her body.

•What makes her feel the best in her body, and what makes her feel the worst.

•What she thinks “sexy” means.

•The three qualities that best describe who she is, and what outfits would best show these three qualities.

•The facts about advertising and the media businesses wanting to sell products, labels, and brands, with the ideas and feelings these entail; and the one-sided news stories we hear.

•How images are polished to perfection with techniques such as airbrushing, editing, and using Photoshop and filters. Consider experiment with Photoshop or other photo-editing software together.

Let’s try:

•Creating a list of three things she loves about her body, and posting the list by her mirror, so that when she looks in the mirror, she will be reminded to focus on what she loves.

•Asking her to write a letter to her body, apologizing for any negative self-talk or neglect and expressing how she will take care of her body from now on.

•Eliminating comparisons between her and her friends or between you and her. Avoid using phrases such as “prettier than” or “skinnier than.”

•Encouraging her to replace phrases like “I feel fat” with “I will care for my body by. . .”

•Inviting her to limit mirror time and screen time—there’s a whole world out there!

•Helping her develop skills that are separate from her appearance. It’s important she be well groomed, but it’s equally important that her focus is on a skill set, such as a sport, art, music, theatre or schoolwork.

•Teaching her what to do when people comment on her body without her permission: a light response such as You just focus on your body, I’ll focus on mine or a more direct response such as Exercise helps me to cope with stress and anxiety, and I love it.

•Checking out movies, TV shows, and magazines together. Ask her what she notices, and ask her to evaluate it. For example: Do the models look like real people? Do they look like you and your friends? What do you think of their clothing? What does their “look” suggest about who they are? Do the characters show many qualities or just a few? How do you feel about what you see? Let her do all the critiquing.