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Introduction

GROWING STRONG GIRLS. What, you may be thinking, is a “strong girl,” exactly, and how on earth does one grow one? Let me explain. Strong girls are those who use healthy ways to connect to their deeper self, and to the world around them. Strong girls listen to their inner voice and follow their intuition. They have a clear sense of self: they know who they are and what they need. Strong girls view mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow. They think for themselves, ask for what they need, set boundaries, and can stand up for themselves. Strong girls know they matter and have self-respect. They have the courage to stand strong in their truth and own their unique stories. They believe in themselves enough to step out of their comfort zones and take positive risks to live authentic and happy lives. This world needs strong girls—girls who are calm and authentic, who are bold and unapologetic, and who are true to themselves.

Strong girls know they matter

Yet growing up is challenging. All of you who were little girls or who love one will know what an understatement that is. And all too often, somewhere between ages nine and fourteen, girls who were born bold—centred and funny and uninhibited—lose their sparkle. A growing girl has so many changes to deal with all at once: a changing body, a changing brain, fluctuating emotions, and shifting friendships, among other life changes. As adults, we know well that life doesn’t let up and that our best defence is to cultivate inner strength so we can navigate all life’s challenges as they come. In the unpredictable, tumultuous time of these preteen years, girls need security; that is where constancy in relationships with family members, teachers, counsellors, and mentors becomes critical. In other words, if they are to be strong girls, they need us! They will do amazing things if given the conditions to thrive, and we, as caring parents, mentors, and teachers, can work to remove the barriers that get in their way. I know how challenging it is to watch girls grow up, and have felt that instinct to protect them from making mistakes and having to learn about life the hard way.

They will do amazing things if given the conditions to thrive

So, how do we grow strong girls? By cultivating connection. At the heart of everything I explore in this book is the value of connection: consistent, unconditional nurture, care, concern, and comfort. Connection is the feeling of being seen, heard, valued, and validated without judgment or conditions, leading to fulfillment and a deep sense of belonging and inclusiveness. Connection is the opposite of isolation, separation, and desolation. It is the sharing of experiences, whether successes and joys, or losses and pain. Such connection will keep girls on the path to strength, well-being, and success. When girls feel connected and safe, they can walk through life with a sense of certainty, security, and power.

After fifteen years and working with hundreds of girls, I’ve seen it all. Some girls find school and learning easy; others struggle to keep up. Some girls are social; others are shy. Some girls are athletic; others are artistic. Although a few girls are confident, most girls only seem confident while actually struggling with knowing who they are and with sharing their true voice and opinion. But one thing they all have in common is a desire to connect. I have yet to meet a girl who doesn’t want to fit in and feel a sense of belonging and closeness. Yet, despite this yearning to connect, many don’t have the words, tools, or maturity to make it happen.

Girls want to know that you “get” them, but this is hard when they don’t always have the communication skills to articulate the realities of their world or the pressures they feel. One thing all the girls I’ve worked with have been clear about is that they feel misunderstood—“My parents just don’t understand.” Meanwhile, parents tell me they wish for a stronger connection with their daughters and tell me, “I can’t get through to her.” There is a way to understand each other again. My intention in this book is to bridge the gap, to be the interpreter between girls and those who seek to support and champion them, which I’ve been doing in my work as an educator and coach with hundreds of families. I’ve seen it time and again: instead of using the go-to tools of criticizing, blaming, and entering into power struggles, parents learn to listen better, empathize more, and think before responding. With sincere intention and repeated practice, making connection a habit, families do reconnect, and girls can get back on track.

There is a way to understand each other again

Today’s world teaches a girl—explicitly and implicitly—to disconnect from herself and to seek happiness and fulfillment outside herself. Through media messages and their emphasis on beauty, sex, and perfectionism, girls are being told they are not good enough. And they are living in a world of cyberbullying, microcelebrity (creating their own “brand” and the inner experience of being “famous”), hypersexualization, and social media addiction. It’s no wonder their mental health concerns are on the rise and their fragile self-esteem is plummeting. Because the reality is this: girls are feeling less happy, less connected, and less fulfilled than ever.

Even given all these social trials and tribulations, the greatest source of disconnection for a girl is her unhappiness with herself. We are our own worst critic. A girl disconnects from her true self whenever she conforms to the wishes of her peers, when she tries to be someone she is not. Feeling disconnected is detrimental to a growing girl—she becomes susceptible to feeling isolated, different, lost and lonely, even depressed. In extreme cases, it can lead to self-rejection and self-harm. As a model for how she can connect to her true self, give her the example of connection with you.

Neuroscience supports that we are hardwired for connection. Secure attachment is the basis for healthy self-esteem, healthy cognitive and social development, impulse control, and general success in school. We have a need for emotional contact and responsiveness from the significant people in our lives, and that need never disappears.¹ This is not a hope; this is biology. The more we connect, the safer and more secure we feel, which contributes to our emotional, physical, mental, social, psychological, and spiritual health. The groundbreaking work on attachment by Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby has helped us see that attachment is an integral part of human behaviour throughout the whole lifespan, and the more dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.²

They need you

When children feel a secure connection to and dependence on you, they feel a sense of harmony, belonging, and reciprocal bonding. They get a strong sense that they matter. This need for secure attachment never goes away, even in adults.³ Secure connection is tremendously valuable in increasing confidence and positive moods, as well as decreasing stress, anxiety, and mental health challenges. It is exactly what promotes healthy development and makes growing strong girls possible.

How to Connect

So, I think we can all agree on the importance of growing strong girls. And we now know that cultivating connection is the key. But how exactly do we do that?

As a parent, you may be wondering, “How do I help my daughter connect with herself when she is constantly critiquing and putting herself down, when she is so hard on herself?”

As a teacher you may be wondering, “How do I help the girls in the classroom connect with each other when they are so competitive, when they seem to share so little in common, or when some seem so much more mature than others?”

As a counsellor, mentor, or coach, you may be wondering, “How do I help her see that she is so much more than how her body looks, and that she really can make a difference in the world?”

Girls need your time

When she connects with you, she can relax and come to understand that she can also trust herself and her inner voice of guidance. It’s a vibrant connection with you that creates the conditions necessary for her to develop and maintain a connection with her true self and with others in the world.

In a recent workshop I facilitated with a group of grade-five girls, I handed each girl a blank card and asked her to write down her answer to this question: What do you most need from your parents or an adult in your life? Without hesitation, the girls wrote down their answers. Later, I read the cards. Every single one expressed the identical need: time with you. In other words, they need you. We need to make and take more time for them.

Girls need your time. This is key. They need time to unburden themselves of their worries and fears. They need time to talk out what is happening in their inner world, to figure out who they are. They need time to ask questions when their lives feel confusing or complicated. When a girl trusts you will be there for her, she navigates the world from a place of security and inner strength. She comes to know that no matter how bad her day is, she can come to you to safely express a rainbow of feelings and be heard. All she has to do is explore and express her inner world, and trust that her needs will be met with your loving kindness, acceptance, and empathy. She’ll feel your presence and she’ll feel connected.

You may have doubts at times. I have doubts too. You may wonder, “Am I making a difference? Am I doing this right?” You may feel that your words are falling on deaf ears or that the lessons you are imparting are not being heard. You may have also experienced the “push and pull effect,” where she both pushes you away to create her sense of autonomy and pulls you in to feel a sense of connection with you. I have to confess, there are days when I give advice more than I listen, because I am so eager to “fix” her problem with a three-step plan of action. I fully understand the delicate balance of wanting to “lock down” to keep her close to you and “letting go” to release her to grow in her independence. On those days when you are not sure you are making a difference, when you’re struggling to find that balance, or you wonder if you’re doing too much talking and not enough listening, remember this simple truth: If you’re there, you’re doing it right.

How This Book Is Structured

This book is for parents, teachers, counsellors, mentors, coaches, older siblings, caregivers, and companions . . . anyone who is a champion for girls and is willing to give them their time. Each of the three parts of this book explores an aspect of the kind of connection a girl needs and the ways in which we can help her cultivate that connection.

Part 1 charts a girl’s journey inward. It looks at how you can help a girl cultivate a connection with her true self by leading her to explore, love, and accept her whole self, and to be appreciative of what is happening inside by paying mindful attention to her body and staying grounded in her lived experience.

Part 2 follows a girl’s journey outward as she connects in relationship with others. This section covers how to avoid social comparisons, develop strong interpersonal and communication skills, build a circle of friends and find the courage to walk away from “frenemies,” set boundaries, and handle the pervasive influence of social media.

Finally, Part 3 focuses on a girl’s journey onward in the world. It provides ways to help her connect with her higher purpose and passion, stay motivated, make healthy decisions, and use feedback and failure as opportunities to strengthen and grow. During the preteen years, she will most likely learn these lessons at school, which is like a girl’s job, but the lifelong habits of curiosity and working hard will serve her long after graduation. Part 3 also discusses ways to inspire her to see beyond herself toward her family, community, and society, and the endless ways she can make a real difference in the world, starting right now.

Help her connect with her higher purpose and passion

Growing Strong Girls is meant to encourage you when you feel you aren’t doing enough, to inspire you with fresh ideas and perspectives when you feel you’ve run out of them, to equip you with information and relatable stories, to motivate you to action, and to convey to you that YOU CAN DO IT!—even though some days it can feel like one step forward, three steps back. It is possible to raise girls to be strong, and small, incremental steps toward this will have profound and long-lasting effects on a girl’s life.

Inspire her

This book is also meant to serve as the bridge between information about girlhood and the practical, step-by-step guidance girls need. Because I want to facilitate your connection and help you start conversations that actually go somewhere, at the end of each chapter you’ll find a “Cultivating Connection” box, with discussion prompts and ideas for activities you can do together to drive home the ideas in that chapter and really bring them to life. In addition to the Cultivating Connection boxes, there are several “Connection Tools” throughout the book, such as a list of ten simple ways to connect, and a list of emotions to facilitate talking when feelings get overwhelming. There are even more resources gathered together at the back of the book, including positive power statements, my best homework and studying tips, and a list of common concerns I hear from parents, along with ideas for addressing them. I also suggest books and online resources you may want to use, either together with the girl in your life or for personal research and inspiration—look for the “Read More” sidebars in every chapter.

Truth telling also teaches girls to be honest with themselves

As well, you can join the Growing Strong Girls movement by using the hashtag #growingstronggirls via Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, and Snapchat. You can also visit me online at www.LindsaySealey.com, where you will find downloadable materials, videos, podcasts, and blog posts from me. We have an accessible community for further support, advice, ideas, and inspiration. We adults need connection too.

Along the Way

As you explore these discussions and activities, keep two things in mind. First of all, a girl needs to know that although she may not get what she wishes for, she will get what she works for. Being strong, like any skill we desire to develop, takes practice—each and every day. And this takes patience (she won’t always get it right the first time) and perseverance (she will have to be determined in her decision to be strong). Likewise, growing strong girls doesn’t just happen. We need to be intentional about it and committed to our decision.

Second, it is our responsibility to tell girls the truth. Be honest about who they are: what you see as their core strengths, but also the things they can work on. With acceptance of the truth comes the liberty to plan next steps. Truth telling empowers girls and encourages inner strength; truth telling also teaches girls to be honest with themselves.

Sometimes girls need advice, ideas, and help, but more often than not, they need time, presence, undivided attention, and non-judgmental listening. Girls are actually pretty talented at solving their own problems if we provide them with the safe space to do so. What I am proposing in this book is the same thing I do with my company Bold New Girls: merging social and emotional learning with academic success, which is how we empower girls to view and navigate the world through a positive lens and in a positive way. To equip them to make healthy choices that contribute to their sense of fulfillment, belonging, and purpose. Strong girls become strong women when they accept and love who they are, are proud of all they have accomplished and all that they are, embrace ongoing growth and development, and have clarity and life purpose.

Strong girls become strong women

Let’s learn to cultivate connection so you can journey alongside your girl as she connects deeply inward with her true self, healthily outward in relationship with others, and boldly onward in the world. Connection begets connection, so the more time you spend with her, the more supported she will be to make these connections for herself. That’s the key to growing strong girls.