Читать книгу Alphabet of Manliness (revised and updated) - Maddox - Страница 29

It’s 5 AM and I’m editing a picture of a Shaolin Monk to make it look like he’s head-butting a small child. Earlier, I received an e-mail with the subject line: “go fuck yourself”; it’s from someone who just read my website for the first time. The sender goes on to call me a “pathetic virgin” and a “homo.” He ends the e-mail by saying that he prays that I get cancer.

My name is Maddox, and I’m the author of the website “The Best Page in the Universe.” My site started out as my personal homepage back in 1997, and since then it has amassed a following of millions of readers by word-of-mouth alone. Ever wonder where all those e-mail forwards that your friends send you come from? Me neither. Nevertheless, some of the content comes from me. I don’t send the e-mails to you, but my material gets passed around anyway, until several months later someone will forward a copy of my own work back to me, telling me to “check out what this asshole wrote.” It’s flattering at first, until someone accuses me of plagiarizing myself.

One thing that separates my site from the majority of others is that I don’t have advertisements, pop-ups, epileptic spasm banners, or any other obnoxious bullshit that makes the Internet unbearable. Not having advertisements has allowed me to say whatever I want without self-censorship, but it comes at a tremendous cost to me. I’m giving up $12,000 a month to bring my site to the masses, censorship and annoyance free. Not only that, but the bandwidth it takes to host my site costs more than most people’s mortgage payments.

So after running the site for free all these years, you’re probably wondering why am I publishing a book now? Simple: money. I want as much money as possible. I want to go to exclusive Hollywood parties where I’ll feel in place using the word “amazing” as a noun. I want some serious “fuck you” money. I want to be so rich that instead of having my henchmen kill people, I can do it myself in broad daylight in front of the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, while I download music illegally from the Internet. Also, not having to eat ramen soup ever again would be nice.

The other question you’re probably wondering is “What does Maddox know about manliness?” To answer your question, I would refer you to the hair on my knuckles. And if that weren’t enough, I’d show you the hair on my back. I didn’t wear a shirt to work for an entire month one time and nobody noticed.

ABOUT THE BOOK

This book is all about men and what men like. It’s the definitive reference book about manliness. If it needs to be shaved, beaten, or sexed, there’s a good chance it’ll be in this book. Everything from the classy bible-like filigree on the front cover to the diagrams and tabs on each page give this book a frank and authoritative feel. If you’re standing around in a bookstore with your thumb up your ass, wondering why someone would have a picture of a man punching a gorilla on the cover of a book, this book isn’t for you. Kindly put it down and get the fuck out of the store. On the other hand, maybe you’re a woman and you’re reading this wondering “Is this book just for men?” I would say that it is only for men in the same way that lesbian porn sites on the Internet are only for women.