Читать книгу Alphabet of Manliness (revised and updated) - Maddox - Страница 34

POSSIBLY THE PUREST FORM OF SATISFACTION a man can derive from life is the satisfaction that comes from taking a really good shit. I have, on more than one occasion, called my friends to tell them of my fecal conquests, and likewise, concluded many relationships with these tales.

One of the great things about taking a dump is the solitude you get when you spend a little time on your throne. Most men take three or more dumps per day. Not always out of necessity, but sometimes just to get away from their nagging girlfriends and droning wives. Even the most frigid old hag will temporarily yield her bitching when it comes time for you to make a donation to the children of Crapistan.

The phrase “taking a dump” is a bit of a misnomer because you don’t actually take a dump so much as you leave one—and where you leave one is up to you (Figure 1)!

One of the more dignified reasons a man might spend so much time on the shitter is because men are more productive there. Here’s a short list of things men do while taking a dump:

PHONE CALL TO YOUR MOTHER: I call my mom all the time from the toilet. Since you have to be there anyway, it’s a great way to keep in touch with your family without feeling like you’re wasting your time.

Other than the slight echo, she’ll be oblivious to your dishonorable discharge. If you’re particularly skilled at pulling off the shit-call, you don’t have to limit conversations to relatives and acquaintances. I’ve closed more than one business deal while doing my business. I won’t give details, but let’s just say that you might not be reading a certain book about manliness if it weren’t for my expert bowel discipline.

Figure 1

The only major pitfall to avoid is noise: fans, dripping, loud shit blasts, and the toilet flush—the most difficult sound to explain. Here are a few explanations for each:

Fan: You have a bad connection/it’s windy outside/outright lie (i.e., “I don’t hear anything”).

Dripping: You’re washing your hands/you’re washing dishes/outright lie (i.e., “What dripping?”).

Loud shit blasts: A car backfired/you dropped a roll of coins into a tub of oatmeal.

Toilet flush: Express indignation that he or she would suggest that you would go to the bathroom during a phone call. If that doesn’t work, resort to extreme sarcasm, “Yeah right, I’m taking a shit while I talk on the phone. Oh, that reminds me, hold on a second while I wipe my ass.” Then really wipe your ass and come back on the phone and call him an “idiot.”

With a bit of practice, creative explanation, or a mute button, the party you’re speaking to will be none the wiser to your deuce dropping detour.

LEARN CHINESE: Mandarin is a difficult language to learn, but a useful one if you ever plan on traveling to China or the engineering department at a university. Unless you spend several hours per day practicing, you’ll find yourself in a Chinese restaurant munching on a bowl of bull testicles because of your crippling illiteracy.

EAT: Eating on the shitter is a monument to efficiency. Feeding the shit-sharks is a tiring task that requires a great deal of energy; why wait until you’re off the pot to replenish that lost energy later on in the day when you might risk dying of fatigue? In fact, when you consider what’s at stake, you can’t afford not to eat on the throne.

I once knew this guy who used to take his food into the bathroom every day during lunch until one day his manager caught him. When pressed for an explanation, he told his boss about his efficiency theory, and his boss was so impressed that he let him take a permanent vacation to write a book about manliness.

SURVIVAL TIPS

FRIEND ’ S HOUSE: The worst-case scenario when using a bathroom at a friend’s house is realizing that there’s no toilet paper after you’ve backed one out. The reason this is such a dreadful scenario is because you’re completely at the mercy of your friend, and he, by the male code of spite, is obliged to be as big of a dick as possible. For example, he might:

 Not care

 Open the door and mock you for your vulnerability

 Having opened the door, invite everyone over for a party

 Make you wipe with tampons

Fortunately, there are a few options at your disposal, so you won’t have to rely on his dubious empathy. The first is to use the shower curtains. While not ideal, shower curtains provide enough surface area to get the job done. The down side is that shower curtains are made out of vinyl—which tends to make sharp edges when creased—so you might as well be wiping your ass with sheet metal. Another option is to use the floor mat, but its shag carpeting may prove to be too lumpy and cumbersome. Also, your friend probably walks all over it barefoot when he gets out of the shower, and you don’t want that funk anywhere near your corn hole. Your best bet would be to use his hand towels. For an added bonus, you could neatly fold them and put them back in his linen closet for a surprise. Make sure to wash your hands with those fancy seashell-shaped display soaps he has on the counter, then stop being his friend for having them.

WILDERNESS: Being caught in the wilderness without toilet paper isn’t as bad as you might think. After your initial panic has subsided, a moment of observation will yield a surplus of ass-wiping fodder at the ready. While there is the typical fare of material such as pinecones and twigs for the hardasses, there’s an often-overlooked resource that people don’t immediately think of: wildlife. Take a squirrel, for example. Squirrels are soft, everywhere, and they love nuts.

THE DUMP DICTIONARY

Now we know a lot about the different things to do while taking a dump and what to do in emergency situations, but what about the different kinds of dumps we can take? Here’s a brief primer.

THE IMPOSSIBLE FIRE HOSE: This is one of those shits you take where everything comes out in one smooth motion and only requires one cut; the result often resembles a fire hose or resting python. These are exceedingly rare occurrences, which is why they’re referred to as “impossible.”

THE EVENT HORIZON: When you lay so much brick that the output forms a small hill that rises above the surface of the water in the bowl. Low-fill toilets don’t count. Courtesy flush encouraged.

CHOCOLATE SHOTGUN: This is what happens when explosive diarrhea meets a weak O-ring.

RING OF FIRE: A common occurrence when you drink the water in developing countries resulting in dysentery. After the third or fourth day, there will be literally nothing in your bowels to shit out, so the only thing left is stomach acid.

GREAT BALLS OF FIRE: When you have the above and you wipe from back to front.

THE “I MOVED TO HOLLYWOOD”: When you spend a lot of time and energy in preparation, try really hard, and nothing comes out.

CASPER THE FRIENDLY COMPOST: When you’ve had nothing but piña coladas to eat or drink for twenty-four hours straight, your yield will literally become white. Try it!

THE GIRLFRIEND: Keeps going, and going, and going…

THE SURVIVOR: When you think you’re done and you wipe, a solitary turd pushes through at the last minute. This is usually the cause of clogged toilets because many people forget to flush after they wipe the first time. The second unit of toilet paper overwhelms most toilets, and you end up having to mop shit off the floor. Or if you’re a guest at someone’s house, sprint to your car.

THE PRISON BREAK: When you’re pucker-butting for over thirty minutes, and you have to go up a flight of stairs, the stimulation will give way to a turtle head that will exploit a crack in the wall, letting one loose in your trousers and making you the butt of jokes for years to come.