Читать книгу Alphabet of Manliness (revised and updated) - Maddox - Страница 33

IN THE COURSE OF MANHOOD, every teenager will at some point be confronted with an unexpected opportunity to grope a woman. Given this situation, every budding man will have a choice to make: turn a blind eye to this bounty of gropeable flesh, or choose to do the inappropriate thing and cop a feel? The first instance may occur on a date, or while passing a woman in a tight corridor, or if you’re especially perverse, while catching a woman falling from a tree.1 Think of it as a perk for your heroism, as all heroism deserves perks (Figure 1).

Figure 1: A damsel about to be distressed.

Finding the right moment to cop a feel requires delicate timing, expert maneuvering, and occasionally some social engineering. You don’t want to seem too eager to touch a woman; don’t just rush in and start grabbing like some rapist. That shit is annoying and looked down on by other men. Women also don’t like it.

Take it easy on your first try. Go for a nonambitious target before you attempt to negotiate the finer points of the female anatomy. There’s no shame in going for an obvious target when you’re still learning.

THE BUTT

A woman’s posterior is the most grabbable part of her body, but first you must learn to find the right type of ass to grab. There’s a great variety of asses out there, but unfortunately many of them aren’t worth touching even in a clinical setting. The ideal type of woman for groping is a woman blessed with a thick ass. Don’t confuse a “thick” ass for a fat ass (Figure 2). A fat ass is a sad ass. You don’t want anything to do with a fat ass, other than to loathe it. A thick ass, on the other hand, is plump and beautiful; it should make you feel hungry like when you see a glazed ham that you can’t afford in a Christmas catalogue (Figure 3). This is the best-case scenario for ass connoisseurs. You won’t find a butt riper for the picking, so don’t pass that ass.

Figure 2: A droopy, pudgy, lumpy mess of an ass. Notice the pockmarks (1), awkwardly shaped slabs of meat jettisoning out from the sides of the waist (2), the clenched, uninviting crack (3), and the burgeoning folds of cellulite (4). Just nasty.

Figure 3: A thick ass looks like a happy smile. You can see that this ass is healthy and bursting with flavor.

Once you’ve found a suitable rear, now comes the tricky part: landing a grope without getting slapped, or better yet, without getting noticed. You’ll find many opportunities to steal a feel, but sometimes the easiest opportunities are the best. Case in point: the hallway.

Hallways and narrow corridors are a perv’s best friends. The trick to utilizing a hallway is to find yourself in close proximity to your subject—close enough that accidentally bumping into her will seem like just a coincidence, but not so close that it registers on the dry-hump meter. Some hallways are better suited for copping a feel than others. For example, many college campuses have very wide hallways to suggest a “free flow of ideas” or a similar abstract notion that some narcissistic architect tried to convey with his design in the hopes that he would some day be praised for his underappreciated genius.

Larger hallways may make it difficult for you to find yourself “accidentally” bumping into anyone. Your best bet in this case is to wait until a class gets out so the hallway is full of people. Your odds of scoring a good feel increase with the number of people in the hallway. You may find that the communication or education departments will yield the highest number of females per capita. This is because many hot nineteen-year-old undergrads will gravitate toward degrees that won’t challenge them or yield realistic job opportunities, since hot women usually don’t need to worry about things like bills and taxes because there are plenty of loaded middle-age doctors and lawyers looking for trophy wives to make up for lost time spent studying.

So you’re in the education department surrounded by hot chicks standing around twirling their hair, you’ve found a tight ass, now what? Just follow these simple steps:

STEP 1:

Carry a stack of things with you. It doesn’t matter what you’re carrying, just as long as it looks cumbersome to carry. Make sure at least one of the items is a lightweight notebook or a folder.

Drop one of the lighter items behind the subject’s feet, by her heels (Figure 4). It’s important not to drop anything too heavy because you’ll blow your cover and, what’s worse, that you will waste calories bending over to pick up your belongings for nothing.

Figure 4: Setting the wheels in motion…

STEP 2:

Get in close to your subject and crouch down behind her. It’s important here to bend with your knees, not with your back. You’ll see why shortly.

Once in the crouching position, look down at your item and move your head in as close to her ass as possible without actually touching it. Next, reach down with one hand to grab your item, and simultaneously reach up with the other to cop a feel. Immediately after contact, pull your hand away before she has a chance to turn around (Figure 5).

Figure 5: What’s that touching her ass? Was it some guy innocently bumping his head as he picked up his belongings, or something more sinister?

If you’ve done it successfully, it should look like your head bumped into her ass accidentally as you went down to pick up your item—a plausible, if suspicious, event. This will probably creep her out, and rightly so. When she walks away, you’re in the clear to congratulate yourself with a quiet “yes!”

Practicing on the ass battlefield is great for beginners, but those with a bit more experience may want to move on to high-value targets that are a bit more challenging. Only after you have mastered the butt-grope will you be prepared to move to the next level. It is said that a coin with risk on one side has reward on the other. This is especially true with the next target.

THE BREAST

A woman’s chest is the holy grail of flesh grapplers. No target is more sought-after, and yet, no target is more daunting. The path to chest grabbing is a perilous one that has sent many brazen men crashing down in defeat, humiliation, and occasionally jail time. Copping a feel on a breast is difficult for two reasons: 1. Its location on the body is front and center, below the woman’s face, in direct line of sight, and 2. A woman’s breast is very sensitive to touch—so much so that women can be induced into orgasm by merely rubbing against them in an elevator; happens all the time.

While it may seem impossible, many men before you have expended a great deal of time and energy conquering this challenge. The result? A handful of techniques, finely crafted and sophisticated. As before, we’ll start out with a basic maneuver and move on to more advanced techniques.

A great place to make an initial attempt for the bosom is in a car. It only works if the woman is in the passenger seat and the man is driving.2 The gist of this approach is to artificially cause the woman to lean forward, using the momentum of your car. This method may seem intuitive at first, but you should exercise careful planning and restraint for successful execution. Here’s how:

STEP 1: This step works best in a busy city. If you happen to live in a rural town, move.

While you’re driving, look for an opportunity to slam on your breaks. Stale green lights are perfect for the occasion. Try to spot a light that’s been green for at least 15 seconds; it’s best to do this from the distance of at least one block away.

Now comes the tricky part: divert your passenger’s attention to something outside her window, pointing your arm to an object to her right, so that your arm is already in position for the next step (Figure 6).

Figure 6

STEP 2: With your arm in place, all that’s left is to bring the car to an abrupt stop to send your unsuspecting subject’s tits into your dirty hands.

Try to time your stop eight to ten feet away from the intersection.

Figure 7: Success! Enjoy it, you manipulative bastard.

If you pull it off, the light should change red just as you get to the stop line, giving you a good excuse to slam on your breaks.

This part requires a great deal of self-discipline because it contradicts man’s every instinct to “run the yellow.”

Make sure to open your hand at the last second to palm her chest, otherwise your efforts will have gone to waste (Figure 7).

The momentum method can be an especially useful choice if you happen to be good at feigning sincerity. A successful completion will not only give you the satisfaction of touching her boobs but also makes you seem like you were concerned over the well-being of your passenger; it’s a win-win. Keep in mind that for this to work, she has to believe that your arm was on her chest to prevent her from suffering the mild abrasions sometimes associated with seatbelt locking. Don’t let her suggest that the airbags would have protected her. Bags of air are no substitute for a real man’s arm.

While this method is useful, it only gives you a superficial feel of her breast. It barely registers as a touch, let alone a fully realized grope. If you want to go for gold, you need to step up to the next level. You need to maximize your palm-to-tit surface area, and there are only a few ways to do this without getting slapped. Your best bet is to blend in with a crowd, and there’s no better place than at a concert.

Concerts are not only great for chest grabbers, but they’re also great for the lazy ass-gropers who don’t want to put forth the effort and planning it takes to touch an ass in a day-to-day setting. But before you make an attempt, you need to survey your surroundings to scope out the location of all the hot chicks. This can be tricky because women at rock concerts usually don’t go up to the very front where they’re likely to get their asses kicked, so they tend to stay further back in the crowd. The catch is that the front is usually where you’ll find the best prospects for breast grabbing, because the masses tend to pack tight in the front like idiots so they can get closer to the band, because the band members take note of the people up front so they can become friends after the show.

Luckily, not all women are afraid of the crowds up front, and once you’ve spotted a target, the first thing you need to do is get in position. Here are the specific steps you need to take.

STEP 1: The best position to be in for this maneuver is standing behind a guy who’s standing behind her (Figure 8). This step is critical, because this guy will be your scapegoat, unless he happens to be her boyfriend, in which case you’re on your own. Don’t worry about the details too much though, things usually work out.

STEP 2: Weave your arm through the crowd to reach the side of your target; you may need to feel around a bit for her breast. Since space is limited, it will be difficult for her to turn around quickly.

Figure 8: You (1), your scapegoat (2), and your target (3).

Figure 9: You should have a blank look on your face. Look straight ahead as you get acquainted with her breast. She might suspect the person standing behind her as the culprit, but never the person standing behind him. Never.

Her first inclination will be to look down in disbelief at the hand groping her chest (Figure 9). Don’t let this dissuade you. Just because she sees your hand doesn’t mean she knows whom it belongs to.

STEP 3: Most concerts are poorly lit, making it difficult for your subject to discern distinguishable facial features, even if she happens to turn around quickly.

This extra cover should give you ample time to pump her breast once, maybe twice, tops (Figure 10). Any more than that, and it means one of two things: she’s either into it (which should send you psycho-bitch signals like crazy), or she might not have a pulse. Just don’t get carried away.

Figure 10: Get a good feel—you’re in the safety zone.

As she turns around, release the tit and let your arm fall gently to your side. Since success of this operation depends on your ability to look natural, it’s worth emphasizing that you need to be looking straight ahead of you as if nothing has happened. When she finally turns around, do not make eye contact! If you were at a concert and someone standing in front of you suddenly turned around, would you normally make eye contact? Of course not, so don’t start being social now. Act natural and play it cool. Pulling this one off will make you a pro, and then it’s your duty to give back to collective manhood by teaching future generations how to cop a feel and get away with it.