Читать книгу Alphabet of Manliness (revised and updated) - Maddox - Страница 32

CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF and empirical evidence, every male child is born with an erection. While nobody knows what causes this phenomenon, there are some theories: some men get wood when they see naked women, while others—like me—sprout a big rubbery one while watching chicks fight. In fact, just the other day I saw some chick getting kicked in the crotch by another chick. It was the hottest thing I had ever seen, and before I knew it: bam! I popped a giant, life-threatening boner, with which I could easily crush a woman or bludgeon a small child. Doctors have been trying to explain boners away for years, with theories about blood flowing into penile tissue, blah blah blah. Too bad these theories don’t explain why boners are so awesome. Men love getting boners, and by “getting,” I mean “giving.” I once dated a girl who was super pissed because I was an hour late for dinner; when I finally arrived, I told her that I brought her a gift. Naturally she put the shitstorm on hold and asked me what it was. Then POW: I suddenly sprung a tent in my pants, and she became so horny that she banged me right in the restaurant.

Figure 1: A stone relief of the sacred beef.

Throughout history, men have been giving boners to people on all occasions, but mostly birthdays and weddings (Figure 1). Take ancient Rome for example. It was customary for men of the time to give a giant mural of themselves, fully engorged, to women as a sign of sexual potency and to other men as a threat of possible injury. A larger penis naturally meant a greater threat, and just like today, men rarely exaggerated their penis length in accordance with an unspoken penile code (Figure 2).

Figure 2: A club-like boner: suitable for wallops.

Men not only love their blood sausages, but they feel obligated to show their units to as many people as possible, as often as possible. For example, ever been to a wedding where they have hundreds of disposable cameras laying around for all the guests to take pictures with? As any man who has made the mistake of inviting guys to such a wedding knows, roughly 50 percent of all pictures taken by males at the party will be of their genitals dipped in the punch bowl and/or various people. In fact, I have a boner right now, and I would love nothing more than to ruin a friend’s wedding photos with my juvenile dick jokes.

IS THERE A WRONG TIME TO POP A BONER?

Generally speaking, no. But things can get complicated during dentist appointments, funerals, and job interviews. I was at an interview one time, and as I was describing myself to the interviewer, I got carried away with how awesome I am, and before I knew it, I was fully aroused. So what to do if you sprout a chubby at an inopportune time? Sometimes all you can do is wait it out, but until then, you need some good cover.

CONCEALING A BONER

There are two ways to conceal a boner: the wrong way and the right way. Which method you choose depends on whether or not you’re comfortable letting other people know that the cadaver isn’t the only stiffy at the funeral.

THE WRONG WAY

The wrong way (Figure 3) to conceal a boner almost isn’t worth mentioning, because all men have tried it, and all men know it doesn’t work. The method is simple: just bend over. The problem with this technique is that bending over draws attention to you. You might as well stand on a chair and shout, “Hey, look at me, I’m a fucking psycho.”

Figure 3: Why is this jackass bent over? Busted.

THE RIGHT WAY

The right way (Figure 4) to conceal a boner is to cover it up with something. A newspaper, a jacket, or a family pet will do. If you don’t have anything to cover it with, try going on the offensive when confronted. If a woman inquires, subtly suggest that perhaps she wants to be boned—in the butt. Despite a woman’s natural inclination toward boners, most women will find this proposition too direct and will not inquire further. If a guy inquires, simply use the following two-step procedure to diffuse the situation.

Figure 4: The right way to conceal a boner.

STEP 1: Tell him that it just happens to be the way your pants bunch up in the crotch area when you sit down. It’s not unusual for pants to do this, so it’s a perfectly reasonable explanation.

STEP 2: Run.

BONER CORRELATIONS

By now, you know how to hide a boner and when to give one as a gift, but did you know that popping a boner means different things depending on when you pop it? Think of it as a sexual preference barometer. Here is a quick reference guide:

BONER TIMELINE

60,500 BC–Man discovers his boner.

60,500 (TEN MINUTES LATER )–Man kills his first small animal using his boner as a blunt striking tool.

Figure 5: Prehistoric man’s triumph over dinosaurs, thanks in no small part to boners.

60,000–Man wipes out last dinosaur on earth (Figure 5).

334–Alexander the Great invades Persia with a battalion of fully engorged men riding horses that are also fully engorged. The Persian army, found to be relatively impotent, was quickly overwhelmed.

6 AD–A child is born in China who is so well endowed that he comes to be known as Emperor Wang and rules the Hsin Dynasty with his terrible pork-sword.

1200–Giant brick boners are built all around the European countryside. Not having much practical use, the boners are later transformed into windmills. 1478–Leonardo da Vinci is commissioned by a wealthy Florentine businessman to paint the Mona Lisa. For years, art historians have speculated about the reason behind her mysterious smile, until newly discovered evidence became unearthed (Figures 6–7).

Figure 6: Mona Lisa’s famous smile has baffled historians for ages.

Figure 7: This sketch was discovered tucked away in a notebook belonging to Leonardo’s pupil, Melzi, depicting the famous scene from a different perspective, proving conclusively that the reason Mona Lisa is smiling is because she had her eye on Leonardo’s rock-hard yogurt cannon.

1661–Since Corvettes haven’t been invented yet, Louis XIV declares himself the absolute ruler of France to compensate for his small penis.

1891–The zipper is invented. Crimes related to indecent exposure and public urination increase by 5000 percent.

1942–Mahatma Gandhi arrested for admonishing British colonial occupation. I’m not sure, but I think “admonish” means to “flail penis wildly.”

1945–Adolf Hitler takes his life at the conclusion of World War II. Not boner related, but still relevant since he was generally considered the biggest dick in history.

1962–The Cuban missile crisis brings the world to the brink of war, but concludes peacefully without a single missile being fired. Americans and Cubans simultaneously suffer the worst case of blue balls in history.

OTHER USES FOR BONERS

Although the primary use of a boner is still for buffing a woman’s flesh lettuce, there are other less conventional, yet practical, uses that can be applied to everyday living. For example, did you know that boners could be used as reach extenders? You’re in the kitchen eating a ham sandwich, when all of a sudden your wife comes in and asks you to hand her the keys sitting on the stool next to you. Rather than interrupting your meal to reach over and pass them to her, simply scoop the key ring onto your meat staff and swing it over to her face. She’ll be so impressed by your penile fortitude that she’ll cook you a steak when she comes home from work.

Here are a few other uses for that pragmatic pervert inside us all:

 HAMMER: The beauty of using your man-crank as a hammer is that the more you use it, the more effective it becomes. Every whack to the head of a nail makes your boner more and more calloused. The rougher it gets, the more easily you’ll be able to drive a nail through a piece of wood, or your wood through a piece of ass. There are other ways to make your boner rougher, but most of them involve chronic masturbation with sandpaper.

 CUP HOLDER: This can only be done by the manliest of men (Figure 8).

 USE IT TO HIT THE SPACEBAR KEY: Not many people realize that a boner is the perfect instrument to slam the spacebar key with. In fact, all the white space in this book is brought to you courtesy of my boner.

 WAKEUP CALL: Ever catch a buddy sleeping at his desk at work? A great way to wake him up would be to poke him in the ear with your dick. The best way to do this would be to threaten him for months in advance so that he thinks it’s just a long-running gag and you won’t really do it. Then when you actually do it one day, he’ll know you’re all business.

 PROVIDES SHADE: If you happen to have short friends, a boner is perfect for providing shade during a hot summer day. Just make sure to use sun block so that you don’t get sunburn on your wang—unless you’re hankering for a wicked case of dick chaff.

Figure 8: Why waste your energy holding that cup when you have a perfectly good platform in front of you?