Читать книгу Senior Year, '94 - Megan B. March - Страница 7

The morning of February twelfth, I woke up at six forty-five to get up and go through my usual routine of getting ready for school. I was also trying to ignore the heaviness that bore down upon me—another round of SAT testing that I didn’t feel up to. Before taking off for school, I looked over and noticed a blinking number one on my machine indicating that a call had come in, probably while I was taking a shower. Pressing the play button, I listened as Bryan Adams began singing: Look into my eyes, you will see … what you mean to me.

The work of Jensen, no doubt.

Without calling him back, I listened to the message twice before leaving the house. I chose not to call because it was already fifteen minutes after eight and testing was at nine o’clock sharp. Besides, I needed to focus on the test and doing as well as I could instead of letting Jensen’s musical musings on our relationship take over. Leaving the house and driving just above the speed limit, I made it to the school in plenty of time but had to drive around to look for parking. Finally, I found a space more than a block away because more cars than usual were parked along the street. By eight forty-five I rushed into school and followed the signs to a classroom on the third floor. After signing in and climbing into one of the few empty seats along the back row, I put my purse under my seat and arranged my pencils and calculator at the top of the desk. When I was comfortable, I began to look around the room. There were a few sophomores, a few juniors and more than a few seniors, so at least I wasn’t the only senior in the room.

Four grueling hours later after the test had finally ended, I slowly walked out of the school building and toward the street where my truck was parked. Feeling a little numb and more than happy that the test was over with, I lifted my eyes to the partly cloudy sky and saw the sun peeking through a few blue patches here and there. For once it wasn’t raining or snowing and I took that to be a good sign. There was a chance the temperature would climb to higher than usual, but maybe that was just wishful thinking.

Instead of leaving right after starting my truck’s engine, I cranked the heater up and turned the radio on to hear Meat Loaf singing about what he would or wouldn’t do for love—I laughed cathartically. Leaning back and closing my eyes to give my brain a little time to recoup, I waited until the air inside had heated up enough to soothe my skin and warm me to the core. My fingers tapped the steering wheel to the beat of Meat Loaf’s tune, and my mind went to Jensen. Why has it been so long since we’ve spoken? What was he doing each night I called and missed him? Was he partying? Drinking? Did he have another chance meeting with Fallon? Is he seeing her behind my back? I could feel tears spring to my eyes and I couldn’t stop the few that did escape. Wiping them away and putting the shifter in first gear, I peeled out and willed myself to think about something else. At the same time, I silently thanked the DJ on the radio for playing a fast Guns N’ Roses song.

Pulling up into the driveway when I got home, I got out and leaned against the truck. The sun was now out and the heat felt nice against my skin as I stood there with my eyes closed and listened to passing cars on the freeway not far from where my house sat. Taking in a deep breath and pushing myself off the truck’s body, I slowly walked to the front door to let myself in.

Dropping my purse and keys on the couch, I slipped off my shoes before shedding my coat and draping it over the back of the couch. It was about then that I noticed the house smelled faintly of roses. Glancing around the room and beyond to the kitchen, I caught sight of what the smell was emanating from when I saw a clear vase of roses wrapped with a pink ribbon. These weren’t your average roses, either, but the kind that were large enough to fill the palm of your hand. Stepping closer I saw a small card lying next to them on the counter, and picking up the light-colored envelope I recognized Jensen’s familiar handwriting:

Happy Valentine’s Day. Sorry I missed you this morning. Please meet me for dinner at The Fiddlehead at five.

Jensen

Reading the note again, I wondered when he’d come to town and why. Yeah, it was close to Valentine’s Day, but could he really have come just to surprise me? If so, why wasn’t he here waiting for me? I thought that his note was rather strange, too. Instead of picking me up he asked me to meet him. That more than bothered me, so I grabbed the phone, poised to call his house to see if he was there, but halfway through dialing his number I stopped and hung up. Maybe right then wasn’t the right time to call since I didn’t know what I’d say. Panic gripped me when I thought about all the truths I’d have to confess to him. Telling Jensen about my make out session with Nate was going to be hard enough, but telling him about the pregnancy and the miscarriage was going to be more than difficult. Needing time to come up with what I would say, I placed the phone back in its cradle and went to my room to choose what I would wear and how my hair would be done for my date with Jensen at The Fiddlehead. I had never had a chance to eat there, but had passed by numerous times over the years. For an instant I wondered if Jensen had ever gone there with Savannah.

Going into the bathroom, I heated up my curling iron and gave myself a good look in the mirror before picking up a brush and swiping my hair back into a long ponytail. After securing it with a hair tie, I rolled my hair evenly around the large wand. After five minutes of holding it there while my arm complained, I unwound the curling iron and watched my hair slowly bounce into a large, loose curl that rested upon my neck. I let out a snicker and decided that my hair looked like Savannah’s the day we’d seen her, only darker. Hmmm, am I inherently trying to torture Jensen? Maybe I was, because I chose to wear the tight black mini-skirt Jensen liked so much. A lilac cashmere sweater my mom once gave me for Christmas was set off by the black skirt with a set of silver earrings that shimmered in the right light, throwing gentle sparkles. I was satisfied when a spritz of Vanilla Fields on my sweater made sure it no longer smelled as if I had forgotten about it in the back of the closet.

Not wanting to come across dressed like I had that fateful night partying with Nate, I chose a different look and went with a very light shade of purple mascara and purple eyeliner. A brush of pale pink lipstick with glaze of sparkly lip gloss over it was a nicely added touch, and I was quite pleased with the look I had achieved: soft and understated. The last addition to my evening ensemble was a pair of three-inch dark purple strappy sandals that perfectly matched my sweater. Much thought had gone into what I would wear that evening. Yes, I planned on being unforgettable, regardless of why Jensen wanted to take me to dinner. Or rather meet me for dinner.

A half hour before five, I entered the parking lot and drove around to find a space in the crowded lot while also keeping my eye out for Alicia’s Prelude or her parents’ BMW, not sure which Jensen would have had access to for the night. Everyone in town must have chosen to have dinner at The Fiddlehead that Saturday night because the lot was full. Circling around a little longer, I ended up parking in a space in the farthest corner of the lot. Once the truck’s engine was shut off, I looked at my watch and saw that it was about five ‘til. Cutting it a little close, aren’t we? Reaching for my purse from where I had deposited it on the passenger seat, I headed for the front doors and went inside to wait.

“How may I help you this evening?” asked a tall, impeccably dressed man standing inside the entrance way next to a podium stacked with menus. The ramrod straight man was dressed in a black suit with a white button-up shirt that was adorned with a deep blue tie that glistened slightly in the light, reminding me of Jensen’s eyes whenever they sparkled when imploring into my soul.

“Um, I’m meeting someone here. He might have put in a reservation with the name of Jensen Meyers.” Taking a quick look around and seeing that almost every table was taken, I failed to spot Jensen and wondered if I’d gotten the time right.

“Miss, he’s already here in the upstairs dining room. Follow me.”

I trailed behind the host as he weaved through the tables and made his way upstairs where there weren’t as many people as the first floor. Right away I spotted Jensen sitting at a quaint table for two in the far corner of the room near a large window. He was staring outside and I was sure that he must have seen me come in. The host and I came closer to where Jensen was sitting and he turned his face toward us, forcing a slight smile when he recognized me. I noticed he had grown a goatee, which wasn’t like him since he wasn’t one for facial hair. Casually dressed in a pair of light khakis and a grey, long-sleeved Henley, he stood up as the host pulled my chair out. I sat down, accepting the menu that the host handed me and listened as he recited the evening specials and said that our server would be right with us.

“I see you got my flowers and note,” Jensen said, reaching across the table and taking my hand in his. “You look amazing.”

A simple ‘thanks’ was all I could manage to say for I was a bit on edge, having to meet him at the restaurant instead of him picking me up and taking me there as he usually would have done. With absolutely no idea what he had in mind, I didn’t know how to act. I did manage to stammer out, “And … and thank you for the flowers, they’re beautiful.” The menu was forgotten by then and I searched his face for some kind of clue of what he had in mind. I swallowed and asked, “When did you come over?”

“Around ten. I used my key … I hope you don’t mind.”

“Uh, no, I was taking the SATs. Didn’t Alicia tell you?” Nervous with the whole encounter, I twirled the end of my ponytail around my index finger while biting my bottom lip.

“No, I didn’t talk to Alicia. In fact, my family doesn’t know I’m here.” Jensen shifted in his seat and unconsciously picked up a salt shaker from the table and began to lightly tap the table with it. “Please don’t tell them.”

I cocked an eyebrow in surprise, wondering what he was up to.

“I’m staying with Gabe and I’m not sure if I’m going to let them know I’m in town.”

I kept my eyebrow cocked, letting him know that he wasn’t answering my unspoken question, but before he could answer our waiter came to take our order. Just as impeccably dressed as the host, our server was a little shorter with a smile to die for. He, too, was dressed in the same black and white ensemble, and when he asked if we were ready to order he stood as if ready to salute. I apologized, asking for a few more minutes to look the menu over. He graciously said for me to take my time and asked what we would like to drink. Jensen decided to stick with the water that our server had already poured into fancy crystal glasses, while I ordered iced tea. Our server left to give us a few minutes to decide, and I opened the leather menu for the first time. Jensen had barely looked at his before shutting it and letting me know that the halibut was ‘excellent’ and that’s what he had chosen. I blindly skimmed over the pages of mine and quickly shut my menu, deciding on the same. There was no way I was going to try concentrating on the choices while Jensen was staring at me from across the table. As it was, I felt odd enough that he had me meet him there instead of picking me up in the car he borrowed from Gabe. The two of us looked at one another curiously, but neither of us spoke until our server came with a basket of sourdough bread and whipped butter, asking what we’d like to order and then turning away after giving us a ‘very good choice’ when in unison we ordered the halibut.

“How did you do on the SATs?” Jensen asked, trying to make small talk.

So, we were going to play this game, huh? “I’m really not sure. It was a long four hours and I was numb afterward. I’m sure you can remember feeling that same way.” What I’d said came out a bit clipped, but it wasn’t how I meant it. “I couldn’t focus my studying since I didn’t have the results from the first test.” I took a bite of the bread.

“Oh, yeah, I should have warned you that I didn’t get mine for about four months.”

“Yeah, that’s what I figured. I also sent in all of my college applications. Mud on the barn door approach, I guess.” I took another bite of bread.

“Stanford included?” he inquired, sort of giving me a smile. It wasn’t completely genuine because it didn’t reach his eyes.

“Yes, sir,” I said after swallowing. I watched Jensen’s hand as he reached for another piece of bread. “That’s new,” I commented as I pointed to my face where a goatee might have grown had I been a guy.

“You like it?” Jensen ran his thumb and forefinger along the hair on each side of his chin. Since he had always been clean-shaven, I had never noticed that his facial hair grew in darker than the hair on his head. The darker color, I decided, made him look like he was up to no good. Or, perhaps it was the fact that he’d grown a goatee. I wasn’t sure if I would feel the same way be it a moustache or a full beard. All I knew was that I really didn’t like facial hair on him.

“It’s different.” I shrugged, reaching for another piece of bread and then stopping, knowing that I was eating out of nervousness.

Jensen looked at me and added a “hmmm” before downing the last of his water. We sat in silence for what seemed like several minutes, but in reality it was only seconds that passed. Tension was thick in the air and he obviously wanted to tell me something. Why else would he be in town and not tell his family? Knowing that we all need a push sometimes, I thought I’d give him an opening and asked what brought him to town.

“I got the results of the DNA test.” And just like that he said it. After all the tension, the wondering, the small talk and the continuous bread eating, Jensen finally let me in on why he was there. I watched as he swallowed and then looked at me with a look that seemed torn somehow. Wanting to yell at him to just fucking spit it out, I kept my cool as he reached his hand across the table like he was going to take mine but suddenly stopped.

“I’m not a hundred percent match,” he revealed in a menacingly quiet voice, blinking his eyes and furrowing his brow. His fingers rubbed against the white tablecloth.

“What does that mean, not a hundred percent match?”

“It means my fucking brother slept with my girlfriend!” Jensen growled in a whisper to keep the other patrons from hearing the shocking news.

For a moment, I forgot to breathe and I dared not move. What Jensen blurted out was more than I could have ever imagined, and when he finally opened his eyes they were so full of anger that I didn’t know quite what to say.

“Emery?” I asked, as if there would be anyone else. Him doing something like that was unthinkable.

“I called Emery as soon as I found out and he admitted to it. He said that he was driving back from lunch and ran into Savannah outside of school about a week before she left. She was apparently really upset; crying and shit. Anyway, he said he picked her up with the intention of just talking, but apparently one thing led to another.” Jensen’s jaw flexed in quick succession and he balled his fist up on top of the table.

Questions swirled around in my head, but I didn’t dare ask them out loud. The only question I dared to ask was, “Does Madison know?”

“I don’t know and I don’t fucking care. Mom and Dad were too shocked and disappointed to say much, but I know that they’re fucking pissed at both of us—being irresponsible and all. They didn’t say much when Emery finally got around to telling them, only that Mom would call their lawyer and get his advice on what to do.”

Jensen shut his eyes and didn’t open them for quite some time. By the look on his face I knew just how hurt he really was, and confessing my actions with Nate right then would be more than cruel. I knew how much he looked up to Emery, and I also knew how much Savannah had meant to him at one time. The two of them betraying him was just too much. And then there was Alyna. And then me. Fuck!

Jensen spoke up again. “You thought I needed time to think about what I want, but in truth it’s always been you. There was never any doubt and I didn’t need time to tell me that.”

“Why didn’t you say anything when I was being stupid and trying to leave?” I whispered, reaching over to cover the remaining distance between us with my hand. I covered his lightly balled fist.

“I thought space was really what you wanted, although if I had it to do over again I wouldn’t have given in so easy.” Jensen’s face darkened and I wondered if he was thinking of me calling off our engagement and then leaving. Our food came before either one of us could comment.

With the revelation of Emery being the father of Savannah’s kid and not Jensen, the remainder of dinner stayed relatively quiet between the two of us and I wasn’t sure why. I was relieved with the news, of course, but Jensen was obviously angry and saddened and empathically, that bothered me. The entire time I sat there picking at my dinner, I couldn’t help but wonder if Jensen was upset because of the fact that he wasn’t Solveigh’s father like he’d been led to believe. Oh, don’t be stupid, Mia. He’s pissed at Emery for screwing him over, even though that happened long ago. I looked at Jensen for some clue as to what he might be thinking and immediately averted my eyes when his met mine. Our waiter, who must have been watching nearby, stepped over to our table and asked if he could clear away our half-empty dishes. Almost too quickly we both said yes and readily accepted the dessert menus he set on the table.

Normally we wouldn’t have considered having dessert at this point, but we were both desperate for anything that would divert our attention away from the uncomfortable person sitting in front of us.

After ordering a chocolate mousse to share and receiving another “very good choice” from our waiter, Jensen sat back and placed his hands in front of him on the table. “Mia,” he said, “on top of everything else I want to tell you how sorry I am about what happened between me and Fallon and the tension it’s put between us.”

Fallon? Really? Fallon was the least of my concerns. There was definitely tension between us, but not because of Fallon or their ‘make out’ session together. No, not this time. He could think that all he wanted, but the fact-of-the-matter was we’d gotten pregnant and I lost the baby. And then there was the minor detail of me fucking around with Nate, a guy Jensen had never thought much of. No, Fallon had nothing to do with the tension that surrounded us.

“I get it if you can’t forgive me or you want some time apart,” Jensen said, still thinking of Fallon. “I’ll fucking hate it, but if that’s what you want I’ll give it to you.”

All I could do was stare at him and blink. The chocolate mousse was then eaten with as much enthusiasm as dinner had been, with half of it still on the plate by the time our waiter came to the table with the check. Before he could ask if everything was alright with dinner, Jensen explained the mousse had been rich, but delicious.

Leaving the restaurant, Jensen walked me to my truck with his hand lightly around my waist, helping me inside like a guy might on a first or second date. He was polite and gentlemanly, almost to the point of being overly so, and I felt it necessary to tell him that I loved him and that I just needed some time.

“Mia, don’t give up on me. Please.” He reached out and gently took hold of my chin, turning my head his way so that I was seeing him and the pain that he was feeling. Sighing heavily, he said something along the lines of him hoping that we weren’t breaking up.

Why does he always need me to define what we are at any given moment, especially the bad ones? And why does he always assume the worst? I lifted and tilted my face for a kiss to assure him that I wasn’t ending our relationship. Automatically Jensen moved in and pressed his lips softly to mine and held them there for a few seconds without trying to escalate it by coming closer or kissing me deeply. He was careful to maintain the distance he knew I needed. Driving away, I looked into the rearview mirror and saw Jensen standing there with his hands in the pockets of his khakis and his head bowed toward the ground.

The sight made my heart hurt.

The following morning, Jensen came over dressed in black shorts and a red Stanford t-shirt, the goatee suddenly absent and replaced with smooth skin. He picked me up to take me somewhere we hadn’t been for quite some time—The Club. Maybe he saw it as a way of us starting over as a couple, being that The Club was significant at the beginning of our relationship. It didn’t matter what his reasoning was, at least this time I didn’t have to endure Bree’s flirtatious behavior toward Jensen when being assigned a racquetball court because there was a guy working the front desk. She always flirted with him while giving me looks of death.

Even though neither one of us had played for some time, getting back into decently playing racquetball came quite easily, and I barely outscored Jensen to win the first game. I wondered if he was still being polite and let me win, but before I could think about it too much he thought it was a good time to start a conversation.

“What happened with Fallon was a mistake,” Jensen began.

Here we go again! I tried to keep from getting angry. The day had started out so nicely and he had to go and bring her up again. Of course that just reminded me I had secrets of my own that I wasn’t ready to reveal, but since he was determined to talk about what happened with her, there was nothing I could do but listen. I took a deep breath and slammed the second game ball when it came my way.

“Mia, I was in a bad place when I got back to school.” Whack! “Getting high, going to parties with Erik, not giving a damn about school.” Whack! The ball shot off the court wall. “So one night after a few too many shots of Tequila and some beer, Fallon appeared.” Whack! Jensen wasn’t looking at me as he talked, but rather concentrating on the ball and the racquet in his hand as if that helped the conversation go smoother. Whack!

“You already know the details so I won’t go over them again, but I want you to know that we did not sleep together.” He emphasized the last part and hit the ball harder. “We just kissed and it didn’t go any further than our shirts coming off. That’s it. I stopped and told Fallon I didn’t want to go further because I love you. I also told her to leave me alone because I wanted nothing to do with her. She hasn’t talked to me since and that’s the truth.” Whack!

For a few minutes, we were both quiet except for the hollow sound of the ball being hit; my racket, his racket, the wall.

“I’m falling on my knees here, Mia, forgive me … I’m a fucking fool.” Jensen wasn’t physically on his knees, but the look on his face may as well have put him there.

I pressed myself to say something to appease him because frankly I knew my own silence was deafening and unless I replied, he wouldn’t be placated and would continue to discuss the one topic I was over.

I didn’t have anything good to say and landed on, “You fell back into an old pattern. I broke your heart and you found solace with some random woman.” I regretted what I’d said the second it came out. The ball whizzed past Jensen and his racket dropped to his side. If he hadn’t been looking at me before, he was now and I couldn’t escape his intense gaze.

“What are you talking about?” he asked.

The look on Jensen’s face told me that he was genuinely in the dark as to whom I was referring to. I just stared at him. Why would his memory issue from last year’s car accident choose to crop up now? Finally, Jensen broke the awkward silence.

“No, Mia, it wasn’t like that at all.” He shook his head and raised his racquet to scratch his head. “I didn’t go through with it. The second she pointed out our rings that I was wearing around my neck, I instantly sobered up and realized what a mistake I was making. I didn’t want to do that to you, to us. If I hadn’t been drinking I never would have gone to her room.” He stared hard at me as I took a deep breath.

“So, therein lies the problem: too much partying,” I pointed out. “Is that what you’ve been doing when I call you at night? Either the phone rings and rings, or Erik tells me you’re not there.” Jensen didn’t answer right away and I walked away to pick up the little blue ball lying in the corner of the court. Throwing the ball up in the air, I hit it as hard as I could against the wall and Jensen ran to hit it again. Whack!

He picked up where I’d left off and said, “Erik’s revolving door syndrome has made it hard for me to stay in the room to study, so when you call I’m usually in the library catching up on classwork. Honestly, after that night with Fallon I haven’t done much partying at all. I knew I’d have to make a choice and either stay on the straight and narrow or follow Erik’s lead and run wild.” He stopped the ball with his racquet, picked it up, and asked if I wanted to go and get lunch somewhere. “Talking might be easier,” he said.

Sighing, we picked up our bags in the corner and I followed him out of the court and then I went to the girl’s locker room to shower and emerged about twenty minutes later, not bothering to rush as I’d done every time we’d played racquetball when first going out together. Once, we’d played a little game where we’d see who could get done first. Jensen always won, of course, freshly washed and dressed, and leaning against the wall when I came out from the locker room. But this time when I came out, I found him leaning against the front desk talking to Bree.

Apparently, she was at work after all and was leaning across the desk in a tight, pink V-neck that rode dangerously low on her chest and showed every generous curve she had. It looked like Jensen was trying to keep his eyes away from the valley of her chest, but I caught his baby blues flicker there once or twice as they talked. He seemed to be completely at ease with their conversation. My eyes travelled down Jensen’s physique as he stood there and I noted he was looking a little like James Dean with his hair slicked back and wearing a plain, snug white t-shirt. The blue jeans that he had on were somewhat close-fitting as well, and he was also wearing what looked like black motorcycle shoes. Had he been wearing those shoes when he picked me up? The only thing missing was the well-worn black leather jacket. The outfit was so unlike him, I wondered if perhaps he had borrowed it from Gabe.

Walking up to where Jensen stood, I laced my arm with his and gave Bree my best fake smile. It was a blatant show of staking my claim, although I had thought about grabbing his face and kissing him long and deep right there to get her to knock it off once and for all.

“Ready?” I asked sweetly, looking up at Jensen and batting my eyelashes. He looked down at me and tried to hide his surprise.

“Yeah, catch you later, Bree,” he said, tapping the desk lightly with a balled fist. We walked out together and I kept my arm laced with his. Once outside, he tried to break the ice for the first time that day. “Well, I appreciate that you didn’t piss on her.”

“She was pulling out all the stops today. With that shirt so goddamn low you could practically see her nips. And don’t tell me you didn’t notice!” I eyed Jensen, trying hard to ignore the fact that instead of waiting for me he’d been over talking to her and sneaking peaks at her chest. He’s still a man with hormones after all, right? I tried coming up with excuses. “What did you guys talk about anyway?” I asked, trying to tone down the inner bitch that had emerged.

“Nothing really, just the usual pleasantries. How about Bullwinkle’s for lunch?” Jensen asked, trying to change the subject. “I could go for some pizza right now.” He was obviously trying to steer me away from Bree and her breasts. Smart man.

Recognizing Gabe’s eighty-eight dark green Honda Civic in the parking lot not too far from the front doors of The Club, I walked toward it with Jensen by my side. I smiled and shook my head, thinking how unlike Gabe his car was. He seemed like a truck-man. When Jensen and I got closer, he used the key fob to unlock it without opening my door like he had always done in the past. Trying to be casual, I reluctantly pulled the door open to Gabe’s beater and got in. Jensen slid inside and began to play with the radio after turning the ignition on, but he soon gave up and turned the radio off. “Stations here suck,” he complained as he shifted the car into reverse and backed out of the space we were parked in.

Pulling out of the parking lot, we headed over to the Mendenhall Mall and parked near Bullwinkle’s Pizza Parlor where hand-painted scenes of Rocky and Bullwinkle adorned the walls inside, and several arcade games were lined up along one side of the establishment. Tables were beginning to fill up, even though it wasn’t even noon yet.

“Shall we flip for who buys what?” Jensen asked. He was playing it awfully friend-like and I had to fight the urge to tilt an eyebrow at him. Was he pissed off at me because I didn’t invite him back to my place after having dinner at The Fiddlehead, or was he trying to maintain some type of normal?

“That’s a great idea! How about you get the pizza and I get a pitcher of root beer?” I suggested nicely, trying to hide my annoyance with the fact he had dropped all chivalry overnight. Wasn’t he just asking me not to give up on him?

Jensen nodded and strolled up to the counter to put in an order for pizza. He knew what I liked, but something told me he’d only get what he wanted just to spite me. Shaking my head, I went up to the drink counter and ordered a pitcher of root beer. The girl working the counter was young, tall, and her brown hair was tied up in a pony tail that peeked out from behind her red Bullwinkle’s hat. Jensen’s type. Probably wise I chose to get the drinks with his current track record today. I watched as she put the pitcher and two cups on a tray. Handing her a ten, I told her she could keep the change and took the pitcher to a vacant table in the middle of the room with four wooden stools. Jensen joined me a moment later, taking a seat on the opposite side of me.

“Number twenty-five. I got the works, hope that’s okay?”

Yup, I called that one right ... unless he’s forgotten what I like? Sometimes I’m not sure. I inwardly cursed his memory issues.

“Oh, that’s fine. I’ll just pull off what I don’t like,” I commented like it was no big deal, and poured myself a glass of root beer. I didn’t bother to pour Jensen any. He was getting on my nerves. Him and that stupid goatee that matched his asshole attitude. He poured his own cup after I set the pitcher down and eyed me as he took a drink. I smiled sweetly at him. It was fake and he knew it.

“What are we doing?” Jensen wanted to know. The piece of ice he was chewing on was instantly swallowed.

“I don’t know. Eating?” I played dumb.

Jensen became exasperated and gave me one of his noted looks. “Seriously.”

Putting my glass down, I folded my arms across my chest and gave him an annoyed look of my own. “I don’t know, Jensen, you tell me. You’re treating me like I’m one of your guy friends instead of your girlfriend.”

“Are you my girlfriend? Lately your body language seems to say hands off.” My boyfriend of three years raised his arms in the air like he was being arrested. “I even feel like I have to ask if I can kiss you. You only touch or get close to me when there are other girls around. What’s the deal with that? It’s like you’re staking a claim on something you don’t really want.”

“Fuck, Jensen, that’s a shitty thing to say.” I glared at him. “You were blatantly flirting with Bree. Are you that pissed off that you’re trying to get back at me? You know I need some space.” I swallowed hard before saying any more, and even though I knew it wasn’t fair, I pulled out the Fallon Card. “You cheated on me with that Fallon girl and I can’t just forget that.” Seeing the way the muscles in his neck twitched, I knew I had hit a nerve. “Let’s just try to have a nice meal before you leave tonight. After that I need some time to think things over.” I could feel tears coming to my eyes and I fought to hold them back. “It doesn’t mean we’re breaking up or that I don’t love you, but you have to understand the last two months have really been hard on me”

“Alright,” Jensen surrendered, self-massaging his right shoulder with his left hand. Appearing deflated, he sat back and looked around before pulling a chain out from under his shirt with a recognizable ring attached. I hadn’t seen it in such a long time that it caught me off guard.

“You’re still wearing your ring ... around your neck?” I was a little surprised.

He stopped playing with the ring and then held it between his fingers.

“Where’s the other one?” I asked, not quite sure if it was still my ring.

“In a safe place,” he answered without looking at me. “It’s at home in my dorm room.”

Jensen let go of the ring, and it silently dropped against his chest. It was the first time I had ever heard him refer to his dorm at college as his home and it stung a little. Whether he intended it to or not, his statement validated that he really didn’t live here in Juneau anymore.

Letting out a sigh, Jensen leaned forward and gently moved a strand of my hair away from my face. “Mia,” he said, “I realize I was pushing you too quickly to get married. We have a long time to decide on the next step. What you’ve been saying has finally sunk in. You’re right. As much as I hate to admit it, you’re right.”

I am? What just happened? Does he not want to be engaged? We’re not engaged anymore?

What Jensen had to say left me feeling a little unwanted. Was he saying that he no longer wanted to be engaged? Was he saying that he no longer wanted me? I was a bit confused since he was still wearing the ring I gave him. True, it wasn’t an engagement ring and he wasn’t wearing it on the ring finger of his left hand, but it was close enough. Before I could respond to what Jensen said, a guy’s voice boomed over the loud speaker that our order was ready to be picked up.

“Sorry about the toppings. I guess I kind of forgot what you liked,” Jensen said as he placed the pizza down on the table, but instead of giving him a smart remark I only smiled. His weak apology seemed genuine.

Mostly we ate in silence, only sharing small talk about school, the pizza, and the barrage of people who had suddenly come in. The group looked like they were getting ready for a birthday party and I was glad we were wrapping up when they began to get rowdy. Jensen got up and asked for two small boxes for the leftover pizza since he had ordered an extra-large and he didn’t want me going home empty-handed. I imagined he would be giving his leftovers to Gabe as compensation for him loaning Jensen his car and allowing him to stay at his place for the weekend. I felt rather awkward holding on to my box and again opening my own door after we left the restaurant and got into Gabe’s car. Looking for something to say, I asked where Gabe was that he didn’t need it.

“Guess.” Jensen looked at me and cracked a large smile, making it so that I didn’t have to guess more than once that he was with Marissa. Gabe and Marissa had hit it off when he’d met her in the fall while buying his books for the classes he’d registered for at the University. I pressed my lips into a thin line, but broke to a smile a second later as I recalled Gabe’s subsequent visit to my apartment where I had wanted to ask his advice about Nate and Jensen and ended up first giving him advice about dating her.

“When does your plane leave?” I asked as Jensen pulled out onto the highway and headed toward my house. It was almost two in the afternoon and I had a lot of homework I needed to get through.

“Five. After I drop you off, I’ll probably hang around Gabe’s. He’ll take me to the airport,” Jensen added.

Taking that as a clear sign he didn’t want me to see him off, I again said that I had a lot of homework in order to keep a bit of my pride. I quickly catalogued what had taken part thus far during his visit: his apparent sadness the prior night at the restaurant of not being Solveigh’s father, him paying attention to Bree this morning, he not unlocking and opening my car door like he always had before, and his idea that we go Dutch at the pizza parlor. His actions were wearing me a little thin. Sounding exasperated, Jensen reminded me that I had already told him about having a lot of homework and that’s why he was taking me home. Our whole time together had been strained and I almost wished he hadn’t visited. Almost. I still loved and missed him deeply, so any time I got with him, even strained, was welcomed. Somehow we’d figure this whole mess out and our relationship would get back to where it once was, I hoped.

We hadn’t been in the car long before Jensen pulled Gabe’s Honda up into the driveway behind my truck and let the engine hum quietly while he put it in neutral and shook the stick back and forth. That was something he used to do with his Jeep to confirm it was in neutral and I picked up the same habit from him. Today, it just seemed like he was nervous as he kept shaking the gearshift back and forth. Instead of making a comment about that, I took in a deep breath and asked him what I really wanted to know—whether or not he wanted me around to see him off at the airport. I wanted to make sure I hadn’t misread him earlier.

“Gabe’s’ got it. I’ve already asked him. Anyway, it sounds like senior year is kicking your ass and you should probably get started on your homework.” He took his hand off the shifter and began tapping the steering wheel to no particular beat with his fingers. Turning to me he gave a smile I wasn’t quite sure of and said, “I may come back for spring break.”

“Mine or yours?”

“Shit, they probably aren’t at the same time, are they? When is yours? Tell me and I’ll try and make a mental note of it.”

“I guess it’s probably around the first or second week in April, but I’m not sure”

“I’ll double check when mine is. I think it’s in late March, but I can’t fucking remember.”

Jensen looked frustrated for a second or two and then surprisingly leaned over my way and looked at my lips before looking into my eyes. I didn’t know if he was thinking for some reason he’d have to ask permission to kiss me, so I quickly moved in to cover the short distance between us and kissed him instead. His warm hands were suddenly on my face as his tongue danced lightly with mine. My stomach fluttered, and for a quick moment in time we were almost like we were before everything fell apart in Arizona at his grandparents’ house. All too soon Jensen ended the kiss and I let him pull away. I asked him to call me later so I’d know if he got home alright, but he cautioned me that it would be late. Shaking my head, I told him that I didn’t care and added, “Jensen, I know this visit was strained ... but thanks. It was good to see you.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, slowly running his hand through his hair and then staring out the windshield, frowning. I would give anything to know what’s going on in your head right now. A moment later he turned toward me and smiled. “I’ll call you later.”

Getting out of the car and closing the door, I bent down so I could see Jensen one last time before he headed back to college. He was already putting the car in reverse and looking behind him to back up.

“Love you,” I said.

“Me, too.” Jensen gave me a short, small smile before backing up and speeding off down the road. I watched as his taillights faded and then walked slowly to the house and up the stairs. Definitely not one of our better times together. We didn’t have sex, let alone kiss or touch each other very much. Always at the back of my head was the fact that I hadn’t told him my two secrets. Maybe during spring break it wouldn’t be as awkward as it was this time and I’d have the courage to tell him about Nate and the baby. I also hoped that time apart would help us through this rough patch.