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Renee S. Ferguson
Talk Turkey to Me
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about this book
Part 1: let’s begin to talk turkey Does Size Really Matter?
“My husband bought the turkey and it’s so big it looks like it’s nesting on top of the roasting pan. I’ll get a bigger pan, but what was he thinking? There are only two of us. We’ll just have to call some college students over to help us eat it. They can eat you out of house and home, but even then we’ll have enough!”
“Can you tell me how much my turkey weighs?”
Fresh versus Frozen
“What would you do? The expiration date on my turkey was 4 weeks ago. It’s been held in the refrigerator the whole time . . . is it okay?”
“Are there taste differences between fresh and frozen?”
“We live on a farm in the country. We raise our own turkeys every year and I have four of them in my truck. You know, turkeys stress out real easily—chickens don’t; they’re cool. We’re on our way to slaughter and I think one of them is having a heart attack. The kids are really upset and they’re trying to calm him down. I tried playing soothing music, but this is one really stressed turkey and I think he’ll be a goner before I’m ready. I still have a long way to drive. How long do I have before it’s too late to use him?”
“My family is not gonna want to deal with this menopausal woman. My fresh turkey is partially frozen. Help me!”
Thawing: A Complete Guide
“I’ve got a flock of ‘bingo’ turkeys in my freezer. I’m just lucky—I win every time I go. I’ve got one turkey that’s been there longer than a year. I’m not sure we shouldn’t have a birthday party or a coming-out party when I go to thaw him. Since he’s been in the freezer longer than the others, will he take longer to thaw?”
“I don’t know how much my turkey weighs. It’s been in the freezer and the tag is gone. How long do I thaw it?”
Quick-Thaw McDraw: Cold Water
“I’ve never been a successful turkey person and I have to thaw my turkey in the bathtub. The turkey is floating in my tub now. I have a scuba belt that I could harness onto it to hold it down under water if that would help.”
“Talking to you is like talking to my therapist. I know I’ll feel better afterward—and, better still, you won’t send me a bill! But I still feel insecure about knowing if my turkey is thawed.”
“I’m not sure if I’m going to make the list of Top 10 Boo-Boos, but my turkey is not entirely thawed. It’s been in the refrigerator for 4 days and it’s still not thawed.”
“My grocer said it would only take 3 days to thaw this 20-pound turkey. Is that right?”
“I’m a procrastinator, but this year I sat up all night and thawed the turkey in cold water and changed it every 30 minutes. Now I’m afraid it’s thawed too soon. Do I have to cook it now, or can I keep it refrigerated until the party? If I have to cook it now, it’ll be like a James Bond movie and we’ll have Turkey Galore!”
Preparing the Turkey
“We just realized we cooked the turkey with that bag of stuff still inside of it. Do we have to throw the whole turkey out?”
“I’m newly married and we’re pregnant and I feel like I live on Stupid Street. I’ve never done this before and I know I have to wash the turkey. My husband said that it’s just like washing a baby and to just hold it under a shower of water—and that I should get used to it . . . the baby will be here before we know it!”
“I pamper my turkey. I take two sticks of butter and, in a circular motion, I rub it all over the turkey—just like a facial rub!”
Seasoning: The Spice of Life “I lived in Barbados for a while. Those people rub everything with ketchup. How do you think it would be if I rubbed my turkey with ketchup?”
“Our family uses maple syrup to baste the turkey. It’s sweet and crispy and it browns the turkey nicely.”
“My mother is from the Old Country. She’s always done this and I’ve been cooking since I was 13 so I do it too. Everyone just loves my turkey in tomato sauce!”
“I just watched this cooking show and they used pickling spice to season the turkey. What do you think of that?”
“Do I season this all over the turkey body and make it look more ugly?”
“My buddy puts garlic under the skin, but I don’t want to put my hand in there!”
“What about apples, oranges, and an onion in the cavity or sprinkled around the outside?”
“I use mayonnaise instead of oil.”
Anatomy 101
“I need some confirmation. I thought when I got a whole turkey it would be all white meat. There’s dark meat on this one.”
“I bought a turkey and the directions said to put it breast-side-up. Where’s the breast and which side is up?”
“My husband is in the navy. He says a hen’s breast is bigger than a tom’s. Does a hen have a bigger breast?”
“That hook, the bony, butt part—do I take it off?”
“That part that goes over the fence last is the piece of the turkey the men in our family all fight over. Each year we have to draw straws to see who gets the honor of eating it. It started when I was a kid and each year we’d argue about it because Dad always got it since he was the dad. Now that he’s gone, my brothers and I figured out a fair way to win the pièce de résistance.”
Giblets
“You mean I have to put my hand in there? Look, I’m straight . . . I just don’t want to run into anything I shouldn’t!”
“The jury’s still out and trouble’s brewing! How many bags are in the turkey?”
“I just took Mr. Turkey out of the refrigerator and there aren’t any goblets—I mean giblets—in him.”
“I have the weight of the world on me today. My day is ruined. There are no giblets inside the turkey!”
Stuffing
“Now that I’ve made my stuffing , can you tell me if I put it in the front door or the back door?”
“Is it okay if I use an old nylon for a stuffing bag?”
“After 22 years of marriage we divorced and I didn’t get her mother’s stuffing recipe. I forgot to have it entered as part of the divorce decree. I’ve asked other family members whom I’m friendly with to give me the family recipe but I don’t have it yet.”
The Truth about Basting
“Are all of your turkeys self-basting? It doesn’t say on the label?”
“Oh, you have such smart turkeys!” said the caller when I told her there was no need to baste her turkey—the bird would do everything all on its own.
Determining Doneness
“I won’t eat at my grandchildren’s house. They don’t use a meat thermometer!”
“I just pulled my meat thermometer from the drawer and it reads 140ºF. I’m toast! How do you know when the turkey is done if you don’t have a thermometer?”
“I’ve been in France for five years and engaged to a great guy for about a year. He’s a honey but he mentioned the other day that he wanted me to cook a turkey. I told him I’d make a ham but he said he really wanted turkey for the holiday. He thinks I’ve done it before but I never have and now I’m in a panic. I’m in deep x#@#! I don’t have directions. I don’t have a meat thermometer. Oh, wait, I’ll ask him where his meat thermometer is and he’ll just assume I know what I’m doing!”
“We didn’t thaw the turkey. If I cook it from frozen, do I use a drill to put a hole in for the meat thermometer?”
A Word about Pop-up Timers
“Well, the pop-up timer never did go off, so I continued to cook it for 9 hours. Everyone told me it was delicious and couldn’t compliment me enough!”
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