Читать книгу Fruitful hearts - Ricardo E. Facci - Страница 13

Crises and conflicts in marriages

“In your anger do not sin”:

Do not let the sun go down

while you are still angry (Eph 4:26).

When a marriage is not happy it is discovered that the source of that unhappiness generally is that the husband and wife sidestep the reality of their relationship, namely with its crisis, its real conflicts and their real problems.

Marriage is a relationship of love between a man and a woman. Traditionally they acted to stay together in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health ... or making that decision by relying almost exclusively on the role of parenting, “we stay together for the children”.

But times have changed: today there is an urgent need to strengthen the interpersonal relationship between husband and wife, to counteract the great destructive currents of our time, pushing couples toward individualism, materialism, and consumerism and life without God.

Therefore, marriages of this changing society need to focus all their attention on their marital relationship, to jointly defend and liberate themselves from the destructive powers, bravely facing their conflicts, their problems and crisis.

When speaking of crises within a marriage sounds like something negative and bad. It is believed that the couple in crisis ends up in arguments, fights, dislikes; and therefore, must be avoided.

On the contrary, the crisis in marriages should be seen as real opportunities to mature and grow. They are a sign of marital health. Marriages without crises are in cemeteries.

Some say: “We have no crisis in our marriage.” Crises are inevitable; but lack of awareness or non-recognition, making the couple unable to communicate in depth, therefore, their relationship will become shallow and gradually deteriorate. If a marriage does not face his marital crisis, they are sure they will never become a happy couple.

However, the cause of not overcoming a marital crisis is almost always due to lack of capacity to resolve conflicts in creative ways.

When a man and a woman are attracted, they begin to become aware of their differences. It is precisely these differences that arouse attraction and mutual interest. To realize they are in love, trying to reach a deep level of intimacy and share their personal experiences. Thus, they become vulnerable to each other. Once married (and after the honeymoon) those differences become a source of disagreements, arguments and conflicts of different degrees and levels.

Rodolfo: “It's hard to have to recognize that there are problems in our marriage that we must solve as soon as possible. It's easier to pretend to ignore or deny them.

I like to think that if we compare to other marriages, ours is pretty good; that all is not bad.

But it is an underhanded way to deceive ourselves, and be content with a superficial married life. Do not you think, dear? “.

Carmen: “I agree with you, our marriage is not bad, but I feel that we are missing something. On the surface, all is well, but inside of us there are wounds ... Many times, we started talking and end up arguing. There are things that we are afraid to discuss. We prefer to hide them under the carpet before sharing. This cannot go on like this”.

The conflict arises when marital intimacy requires the sacrifice of one's “I” for the emergence of the “we”. The conflict is a symptom that something is wrong in the marital relationship, as in the case of Carmen and Rodolfo. Facing the conflict becomes an opportunity for growth, maturity and greater marital intimacy.

The conflict is exacerbated when spouses get angry and become furious; to fix this it will be necessary to cope bravely with the anger itself.

Those who know human behavior say that anger is inevitable in any intimate relationship, but in a special way in the marital relationship. Anger is an instinctive, emotional, automatic self-defense reaction. Anger is a feeling. Therefore, it is neither good nor bad. Furthermore, it should not be held within, rather expressed.

A great truth is, expressed or not, anger and fury are present in every marriage; the key is that if the couple wants to grow and mature, they must learn how to deal with their anger and their fury. One solution is to recognize the anger in oneself in an open and sincere and loving dialogue as stated by Saint Paul, do not take your anger through the night.

To dialogue as a couple

1. What is the status now of our marriage?

2. What are the main disagreements and differences between the two of us?

3. Currently, is there a crisis in our marriage? If so, how can we discover it?

4. What we do each to overcome it?

5. How we could and should we increase our marital intimacy and mutual aid?

To pray together

Lord Jesus,

The crises and conflicts in our married life,

are a concrete help to the maturity

and growth.

Help us to recognize the problems

Of our marriage,

to confront them with a positive outlook

Disposing a sincere and loving dialogue,

knowing that in the manifestation of feelings,

and the search for truth,

it is the solution and will emerge

with strength and courage

the ability of forgiveness.

Never sidestep

our crises and conflicts,

that we may not deceive ourselves

believing that “everything is perfect”

Ah! As well…

when we're angry

lest we forget you

you're there ... close by ...

Help us.

Amen.