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Being One

Therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother,

and shall cleave unto his wife:

and they shall be one flesh (Gen 2:24).

They had married very much in love. The wedding was beautiful. At the altar they swore love forever. Four years later they separated. What happened? They had married with the firm intention of being one... but after time found that they were “two married singles”... This is very common in many marriages at all latitudes ...

Every day many husbands accuse the spouse of misunderstanding, incompatibility or insurmountable differences and then hire a lawyer for the separation of property, custody of children... and everyone for themselves... Now, why do marriages break up? What is the deepest root cause of separation or divorce?

The answer is subtle, invisible but a dynamic process of disintegration that takes place inside of the couples (in the mind, heart and will). For this reason, this phenomenon, we can call separation of hearts.

For many marriages it never crosses their mind that there’s a definitive separation. But the relationship they live is a separation of hearts, which makes their marriages not fully happy. They are not one being.

What is the “separation of hearts?” It is a subtle phenomenon, it is a constant, progressive and growing lack of intimacy between spouses. It is a mental and emotional separation. A man and a woman living under one roof, but leading separate lives, who relate as strangers. They run parallel lines without ever joining. They are not interested one for the other, but each is immersed in his/her own world. So, a husband can “plug in” fully in their work, sports, friends; and the wife, can dip her energies on hobbies, girlfriends and children. Each does many tasks, which may even be very meritorious, but separately.

When a couple separates, get divorced, it is something you can see and touch and nobody doubts it. But in the “separation of hearts” the act is not visible, touchable, and often goes unnoticed even to the couples themselves. Neither suspect. ATTENTION! The “separation of hearts” begins subtly. It grows and develops even among the best marriages and those who are considered perfect and safe.

Everything individualist: the mentality, feelings, attitudes and behaviors are fertile ground for the separation of hearts. It is a real disease of marital love. Therefore, it is important to identify the symptoms of “separation of hearts.” These symptoms are shown in the sadness that surrounds the marriage, are externalized in a cold treatment, with marked absence of demonstrations of affection. This “separation of hearts” is discovered when one does not care about the problems of the other, nor are there the small details between the two. Just the opposite. There are many fights, screams, moodiness, lack of joy, routine in sexual intercourse, criticism of the spouse in front of third parties. In a couple where the “separation of hearts” exists, life of two is not planned and much less discussed. There begins feelings of insecurity, jealousy, suspicion, loneliness, boredom. The concept of marriage begins to lose hope, to close in a deep individualism, to place importance on other things than the spouse and children (work, money, etc.) and be more open to friendships with others than the marriage itself, resulting in many infidelity cases.

Now, just as in medicine, it is not enough to know the symptoms, in marriage, you need to find the real cause of the “separation of hearts. The experiences dictate, and so say the experts in matrimonial life and communication, the main cause is the lack of dialogue, understanding and comprehension.

Therefore, to prevent or cure the state of “separation of hearts” each spouse must make a real effort to get in the other's shoes to understand it, appreciate it and accept it.

Alicia and Jose told us: “In our relationship, separation of hearts is when one of the two do not make an effort to hear what the other is saying or communicating”. Alicia adds: “This is what I usually do with Jose many times. I have to listen more and better to understand and accept how he really is.”

Maria Angelica said to Luis: “I think that expressions such as ' my home', 'my children', 'my plans', 'my interests', 'my problems' increases the individualism within us and, thus, the separation of hearts. I'll start saying: 'our house', 'our children', 'our plans', 'our interests', 'our issues'.

And Luis said: “I contribute to our separation of hearts, when I do not know what you think or feel. I see that you suffer and I not do my best to understand as soon as possible a deep and loving communication between the two.”

The “be one” is a true marital challenge. It is a complete process of communication which passes through understanding and is achieved by listening and sharing.

To dialogue as a couple

1. Do we live as a couple who love one another or do we still have some “married singles?”

2. Do we have “separation of hearts?” What symptoms did we discover today?

3. Why are marriages considered “perfect and safe” and do not discover that there are areas where they can still grow?

4. Returning to us: Which of the two is more responsible for each symptom that exists in our marriage?

5. What do we purpose to do to improve ourselves?

To pray together

Lord Jesus,

we know that we are united

and you give us grace

to grow in unity;

that is why we ask you not to stop helping us

as we need polishing, still,

some rough edges

that do not allow full unity.

We have discovered some symptoms

of separation of hearts,

and we want to overcome them,

precisely because they

are found in our hearts

we are not fully one,

but our goal is total unity,

Help us, Lord, to grow

In the health of marital love.

Amen.