Читать книгу Laughing at Cancer - Ros Ben-Moshe - Страница 11

Оглавление

3 June 2011

When you know what to do

On occasions through life’s passage, one is confronted with seemingly unsolvable challenges, dilemmas and angst.

Journeying into the foray of the C-word—I just can’t bring myself to write this word in full—is one of those occasions. You don’t always have enough time on your side to fully flesh out, research and come to a decision, free from wrangling internal and external voices.

Just three days ago, my head imploded as the left and right hemispheres of my brain argued and competed with each other to reach a consensus. How could I ever make such a tough decision? Why did I have to make it in the first place? How would I know if I made the right choice?

As luck would have it I was alerted to a timely two-day workshop, Health, Healing and Wellbeing, run by Dr Ian Gawler AM, founder of the Gawler Foundation Cancer Institute and author of The Mind that Changes Everything.1 Steeped in sorrow I drove to the ‘cancer domain’. I was clearly seated in the ‘bowels side’ of the hall. On my left sat a middle-aged man who’d had full-on bowel cancer resulting in chemo and the works, and on my right was a youthful-looking woman who’d had a bowel resection following the mysterious dying of part of her colon. Hearing other people’s stories made me swiftly realise I had much to be grateful for.

There was a lot to take in, but what flagged my attention was how to make a decision that would avoid or reduce any potential regret. For this, I needed to be in a clear state of mind, full of commitment and enjoyment, and absolve the need to question, perhaps six months down the track, if the right decision was made. In other words, I should avert the ‘what ifs’ slippery slope. In my current state, the enjoyment aspect seemed rather impossible. I mean, how can you enjoy something so difficult? But I promised to give it a go.

Several other points screamed at me, but one in particular made its way to the forefront of my mind now dulled by information overload. Who would be on my internal decision-making committee? How could I broaden my support network, not just on a physical level, but also spiritually? Who could invoke a higher power, not necessarily God, but something or someone who inspires me or gives me strength? Immediately my Rabbi’s kind face, framed by a cotton wool beard and wise eyes deep as wells, came to mind. A world-renowned leader of Jewish spirituality and mysticism, he had always been a source of comfort and inspiration whose aura somehow emanated a closer connection to God. I would contact him.

Feeling considerably more empowered I returned home to face one of the bloodiest battles my mind had ever waged. I considered the casualties and fallout. In most battles, there are no true winners but there are always losses. Stakes can be high and strategies complex and risky, but at the end of the day, one strategy triumphs over another. Not all casualties are bad. Calculatedly I weighed up the pros and cons. I sat with them, cogitated, debated and wrestled with them. I wanted to escape my body and absolve personal responsibility by letting someone else make this decision. I wanted to run and keep running. After some time, I realised I was in a position of strength, able to choose the path I would follow. This was something to be grateful for. I decided to farewell negativity, toxicity and stale energy and chose the option I had initially and emphatically rejected: to have a full bowel resection.

As I write this, the consensus I’ve reached leaves me feeling an all-pervasive, almost disquieting sense of peace. I can’t quite believe how sweet this victory feels; lightness consumes me as the lead weights and seismic forces are dismantled. This is the ‘ah’ moment: realising what I need to do to ensure the best possible outcome, not only for my physical health, but also for my spiritual and emotional wellbeing. The deafening inner chatter has been silenced. Like the calm after a tidal wave, or a blue sky reclaiming its place after a torrid, cloudy storm, I am at peace. Whatever is in store for me, I know I will not regret my decision. At the end of the day it is my decision, not the surgeon’s, not Danny’s, but mine alone.

Conscientiously I am going to refer to my current situation as ‘challenging’ rather than ‘bad’. It’s just not a matter of bad or good. It is what it is, and even though I have not consciously chosen it nor would I ever want to, inspiration, growth and positivity will germinate. I will triumph over this challenge and take heed of the fundamental lessons inextricably bound within it. I will rid myself of the old, choosing surgery as the best means to attain optimal health potential.

In order to be free, a full bowel resection is my only real choice. I know how uncertainty would play out in my body; the fear of something lurking in some form or other would indubitably wreak emotional and physical havoc. It would destroy me. I would live in a state of constant fear, listening out for a bomb ticking away, unconsciously awaiting detonation. I am taking no chances. I need to know with 100% certainty that no cancerous cells linger beyond my bowel’s lining.

I am guided by Ian Gawler’s wise words, ‘Make a decision for the right reason, stick with it, enjoy it, and don’t look back.’ Now there is no room for looking back. I am free of the shackles of indecision. This is true individual empowerment. These are the real freedoms we are blessed with: the freedom not only to choose, but to respond. Do we accept it wholeheartedly, without regret, NO exception? Or do we partially relent from a perspective of desperation, futility or limited hope?

In addition to the full bowel resection I will also investigate the best possible means of achieving full healing. From my current vantage point, this seems to be meditation. If only I had reached out to it in a more meaningful sense before. Sure I’ve dabbled with it, but I now understand that’s not enough. It has to be a scheduled ongoing event used as a tool to restore my health, my life and my wellbeing. I need to tether myself to it: to breathe, imbibe and co-habit with it. I need to shape my days around it, rather than haphazardly squeeze it between other stuff, of which there is always guaranteed to be plenty.

I will begin today. I will continue tomorrow and the days thereafter. I will use meditation as a form of catharsis to support me through any anxiety prior to my surgery and assist subsequent healing and recovery. I will meditate to restore wavering vitality levels, so swamped by lethargy, and so deep that my body assumes them as its normal set point.

I am feeling the potential to be reborn; optimism is well within reach. I am opening my heart to spirit and warmly inviting it into my entire being. I must not be scared or weighed down by burdensome fears. I must open the door to my potential, to my power, to the inner force whose pulse I am beginning to feel reawaken within me. I must not be afraid as I have felt the love and support of the universe.

I will be nurtured and guided back to the path of wellness. I don’t need to rush. The first step has already been taken; this is always the most difficult one. I am contemplating a baby’s first tentative steps: a huge milestone that in no time is taken for granted and forgotten as we journey onto a life filled with millions of taken-for-granted steps.

Let’s pause for a moment to relive the wondrous excitement and participation of our very first physical step. Then take some time to celebrate each and every first step (beyond the physical) that we have taken, to get us to where we are now.

Have you ever received life-changing information and made a promise to yourself to do something to improve your wellbeing?

……………………………………………………………………………

Did you adopt a new wellbeing practice?

……………………………………………………………………………

If not, can you think of something you can do right now that would benefit your wellbeing? Ask yourself why you haven’t already been doing it.

……………………………………………………………………………

Don’t put it off any longer.

1 Gawler, I., The Mind that Changes Everything, Brolga Publishing

Подняться наверх