Читать книгу The Epitome of Perfection - Ryan Reynolds - Страница 3

Being as awesome as I am, you can imagine how many requests I get from people asking me how they can mould themselves more in my likeness. Well, to those people that beg me, day after day, night after night, hour after hour for my input into their weakly worded questions. You are in luck. As what you are reading at this very moment in time, is soon sure to become your new device of worship.

So before you read on any further, into my mesmerizing greatness. Take a moment or two, to just say your final parting words to your old holy book. In most cases, that book will either be ‘The Holy Bible’ or a shady adult magazine which you shamelessly bought from some deluded corner store. Either way, take one last look at that monstrosity and throw it in the fire, in-fact, you know what. Your fire is too god damn good for that book of yours. Instead, I want you to wrap in up in some aluminium foil, put it in an old back pack, piss all over it, and then mail it to your local Chinese restaurant.

Done that? Good, now you just need to gather up a few items, and we shall be set to begin your journey, into the epiphany of perfection.

The items you will need to gather up are as follows:

 A pen, to make notes and record you personal reflections when I exceed your mental capabilities and you are left drooling over my words. No pencils. Do you see me printing my books in a medium that can later be erased? No. My word is definite, and so should all of your thoughts about me while reading my scintillating proclamation.

 A note pad, a single piece of paper is not enough to fit all of my greatness onto.

 Your favourite picture of me, to remind you of what you wish to, and in time, will become. Also to put pressure upon you, you wouldn’t want to disappoint your hero now, would you? And no, before you ask, the book jacket doesn’t count. If you cut up, mangle, or even remove the jacket from this book, I will consider that vandalism of my personal property. Now you have deeply insulted the savior that you want to be just like. Self-hater. If you bought the paperback and thus don’t have a book jacket, I hope that it is because they were all of of all others. Even poverty is no reason to by the paperback. You could have traded in the last of your food, at least then you could die with some intelligent words in your head.

 A dictionary, I use many big words and some of my language may be difficult for some of you peons to comprehend. This is because your education system has failed you.

 A box of tissues, in-case you make a mess while fantasizing about my greatness.

 A bottle of water, to keep you hydrated as your mind gets exhausted reading my exhilarating words.

 Some light snacks such as pretzels or bread sticks, just something along those lines - in-case you get hungry, DUH!

 A lemur on a unicycle juggling 3 flaming batons, this one is just for my amusement, so render unto Ryan, what is Ryan’s.

Okay, got all of those? Now you are ready to begin your quest of becoming more like yours truly.