Читать книгу The Epitome of Perfection - Ryan Reynolds - Страница 7

My amazing, totally not badly photo shopped, newly born self.

On the fifth of February, 1997, greatness entered the atmosphere. This was the day, on which Linda McArthur, gave birth to the greatest being, this planet has ever seen. Me. Even the doctors didn’t understand how a newly born baby had the ability to debate with them using words they had never heard of, about what time of day it really was. Baby Ryan knew the real time, that clock in that room was three minutes fast. Those imbeciles were trying to take three minutes from my life. I was not having it.

As they went to cut that cord, I whipped it around one of their necks. A male midwife? What kind of guy becomes a midwife? What kind of guy delivers babies for a living? Well, I’m not usually one to judge, but this is back when I was only a few minutes old, you can’t really blame me for being a little immature now can you?

Anyway, back to the story. So I wrapped that cord around that S.O.B’s neck and I whispered into his ear: “Three minutes fast.” I released the pressure. He then proceeded to walk over to his documents and subtract three minutes from his initial interpretation of time.

Now you’re thinking to yourself, this can’t be true. He is lying to me, I would have heard about this if it had really happened. Well, that is where you are wrong my friend. You see, for one, I don’t tell lies, I merely adapt the truth, and secondly, what happened only seconds after that doctor making changes to his documents, is something that you really are not going to believe.

Scratch that, I take my previous statement back. Let me rephrase, you would not believe coming from any other human being. But this being me, of course you shall believe it.

But just in-case you are still thinking otherwise, you have to make a choice here. You can either believe me, or your lyin’ eyes.

Everyone was stunned by my greatness. This newly born baby was a trained killer and could speak perfect English. Then, without warning, the door burst open and in come two tall men dressed in black. They are both wearing black sunglasses, one of them is black. The white guy pulls out a small device which is of similar size to a pen, and he proceeds to cause the device to flash a strong red light at us all. The two of them, then proceed to casually walk out of the room.

Now, I know you’re wondering how I still remember all of this if that strange man dressed in black (if you don’t get it now then you are even more retarded than I initially assumed) Flashed me with that small device. Well the answer to that question is that, I, just like all other babies, was partially blind at birth, and due to that harsh fact, my memory remains fully intact. From that point on, I just decided to keep a little bit more of a low profile, just in-case I didn’t happen to be so lucky next time.