Читать книгу Bad Birthdays: The Truth Behind Your Crappy Sun Sign - Sarah Fu Christensen - Страница 44

ARIES-TAURUS CUSP

People born between April 19 and April 22 are considered to have been born in the Aries-Taurus cusp, and can display characteristics of both signs. So… what do you get when you cross a Ram with a Bull? It’s not a good time, that’s for sure. The Aries-Taurus combination makes these people especially stubborn and aggressive. People born on these dates will never stop pursuing a goal and they simply can’t see when it’s time to give up and walk away.

APRIL 21

People born on April 21 seem to have stepped out of the past. They have very traditional beliefs and mannerisms. They believe in pulling oneself up by one’s own bootstraps and working one’s way up the corporate ladder by being a Company Man or Woman. Good luck convincing a man born on this day that he should be a stay-at-home dad, or a woman born on this day that she should get some formal school learnin’.

APRIL 22

Henry VIII, the king famous for beheading his wives, was crowned on this bad day in 1509. April 22nd-ers break from the typical Tauri desire to settle down in love and life—Bulls born on this day genuinely enjoy playing the field. April 22nd natives like the seduction aspect of a new love… the stage that fizzles out as soon as couples begin to wear sweatpants and pass gas around one another. In order to stop an April 22nd-er from beheading your relationship, so to speak, you must keep the mystery and decorum alive as long as possible.

APRIL 23

People born on April 23 know what they like from an early age. They have very distinct favorite foods, favorite songs, favorite seasons, favorite holidays, et cetera. On the flip side, they know exactly what they don’t like and simply won’t tolerate it in their lives. Whether it’s people who talk about money, or theme parties, or anchovies, any run-ins with their most hated people or things will send them into a spiral of irritation and anger. Do not try to convince an April 23rd Taurus that they should tolerate something on their “Dislike” list for the sake of a group. That argument will go nowhere fast.

APRIL 24

In their young adult lives, April 24th natives are smart and dependable and make good decisions, but as soon as they have children the “crazy” switch gets triggered and they become the type of parent that everyone hates. They will hover helicopter-style over their children at the playground, refusing to let their Precious Ones get bumped or bullied, and they’ll show up at their kids’ school accusing the teachers of singling out their child. When their high school freshman turns in a PhD-quality essay on the American Revolution, everyone can guess that their Taurus parent offered them an eensy-weensy bit of homework help.

APRIL 25

On April 25, 1886, Sigmund Freud opened his practice in Vienna. It was there he gathered his data to support his theories of psychosexual analysis and the Id, the Ego, and the Super Ego. April 25th natives have a tendency to be soul-searchers. They want to know what makes them tick, and also what makes those closest to them tick. They spend a lot of time, like Freud, analyzing their thought patterns and dreams. They usually also have a pretty severe Oedipus or Electra complex and spend their adult lives trying to recreate their childhood, putting themselves into the role of the parent.

APRIL 26

Step away from the bag of potato chips, April 26th-er. You tend to stuff your face with carbs and sugar to calm your nerves, and this can lead to health problems in the long run. Try to find healthy ways to deal with your anxiety and nervous energy that don’t involve widening your girth and clogging up your aorta.

APRIL 27

If you were born on April 27, you may find your competitiveness to be a problem in your life. At work, you might take pleasure in outperforming others. At home, you might over-celebrate your checkers victory—much to your children’s dismay—and you may or may not have sent your racquetball challengers to the hospital with racquet-sized facial bruises. Anger management can’t help you, because it’s not anger that spurs you on. It’s the sheer joy of winning.

APRIL 28

April 28th natives are so earnest that sometimes you think they’re joking. They say completely un-cynical things without a trace of sarcasm, such as, “I like your pants,” or “Great idea, Bob.” They are refreshing in an era of double-speak. People born on this day want their family life to be straight out of a magazine shoot or an old television show, and they would like to be spared any behind-the-scenes ugliness that it takes to get the picture-perfect look.

APRIL 29

People born on April 28 seek approval more than some of their Tauri brethren do. They have a keen sense for when other people are judging them, and feel like they have to rectify it by persuading opposing parties. While they’ll still adhere stubbornly to their original game plan, they won’t rest comfortably until people agree that their way is the right way.

APRIL 30

It’s not that April 30th natives don’t want to be successful—they do! It’s just that they don’t really want to work that hard to get there. Because they’re big risk takers, sometimes their gambles really pay off and they find themselves rolling in dough. When the risks don’t pay off, they find themselves laying on the couch eating candy corns in June, reminiscing about when they threw that touchdown pass in a high school football final.

MAY 1

Don’t bring drama around a May 1ster. Seriously, step off with anything that is not relevant to family or career, or anything that’s over-emotional or frivolous. May 1st natives keep themselves far too busy to engage with theatrics. At home, you’ll find them stripping paint or ironing the curtains. At work, you’ll find them walking on the factory floor, or going out to the warehouse to make sure each step of the process is being done correctly. They keep it real, and to earn their respect their friends and family should keep their emotions in check and their issues in perspective.

MAY 2

It’s probable that people born on this date, if they eat vegetables at all, secretly despise them. They don’t want to eat a healthy diet. Deep down, they want cheeseburgers, french fries, and milkshakes for every single meal. If they are athletes, as many May 2nd-ers naturally are, they may recognize the need for a balanced diet and force themselves to eat green things. If they are armchair athletes, however, they are likely to be uncomfortable if they don’t figure out a way to get all the nutrients their body needs.

MAY 3

When five-year-olds play together, many times you’ll hear direct orders pass between the friends like, “You go over there and say, ‘Can’t stop the beat,’ and then throw the ball to me.” When May 3rd Bulls play together, you’ll hear the same type of bossiness ensuing. This is Niccolò Machiavelli’s birthday, and he was most probably a pretty bossy guy when he hung out with his pals, too.

MAY 4

You are inherently aware of the difference between right and wrong, aren’t you, May 4th-er? You have a moral compass that guides your every decision and there really is no gray area for you. To live up to your own values, you often punish yourself for your materialistic desires by denying yourself purchases and even physical pleasures such as comfort, or a decadent meal, or fulfilling sex with your partner. While your partner might think you’re off your rocker to not let yourself be sexually satisfied, as long as you continue to get their rocks off, your relationship can survive your bouts of self-chastisement.

MAY 5

May 5th natives can change the world if they can override their desire for security and take the risk to go BIG with their ideas. The pop star Adele shares this birthday with famous cook and author James Beard, and philosophers Karl Marx and Søren Kierkegaard were also born on this day. If you share this birthday as well, it’s time to put on your big-kid pants and put away your blankie and get out there into the world. You have a gift to offer the planet, so buck up and get on with it.

MAY 6

It is highly likely that your favorite holiday is Halloween, right, May 6th-er? Because it’s your chance to show off your very creepy and dark side without totally terrifying those closest to you. Whether you dress up like a spider’s egg sac or a dead prostitute, your costume is always just on the icky side of Halloween-appropriate attire. You let your natural creativity shine out in ways that the public may not always appreciate. Orson Welles, for example, who was born on May 6, duped, creeped out, and infuriated the American people with his broadcast reporting an alien attack on New Jersey in The War of the Worlds.

MAY 7

It’s really not your fault if a May 7th native is not that into you romantically. They may happily hook up with others, enjoying social interactions and physical exchanges, but they will not take a life partner until they find a true soul mate. Similarly, they may do odd jobs to earn money, but they will not commit to a career until they find “the one” that combines their passion with a way to earn a lot of money. So, if you run across a May 7th Taurus who’s a corporate tax attorney or a tobacco lobbyist, it’s completely acceptable to hate him or her. They didn’t just end up in that career by mistake.

MAY 8

Perfect is boring, and people born on May 8 err on the side of perfection in all aspects of their life. They’re not even perfectionists, not in the true sense, because that would imply that they carried out their ideas of perfection to an unhealthy degree. They simply exist in this world as a great friend, a reliable employee, a good son or daughter, a solid spouse, and/or a caring parent. After some PG-13-rated rebellion as a teenager, they settle into reasonable, healthy adult habits. The thing that no one else knows about May 8th-ers—one of the most tragic tales of the Tragic Taurus—is that they have this huge dream that they keep completely to themselves. They may want to sing at the Grand Ole Opry, or write a novel, or become an astronaut, and every so often—when they’re feeling melancholy—they’ll take this dream out of the mental box they’ve stored it in and gaze at it longingly. Then they’ll rewrap it, carefully, store it back on its shelf, and get on with being perfect.

MAY 9

Most Tauruses make it a practice to avoid drama and unreliable romantic partners so as not to upset their primary life goals of achieving stability and comfort. May 9th-ers shirk this trend and seek out exciting love interests that the rest of the world may see as a terrible bet. But the May 9th-er will stubbornly try to make the relationship work until—at some point—they are forced to choose between their career and their lover. Then, they’ll almost always stick with their Taurus roots and choose stability in their career.

MAY 10

On May 10, 1924, J. Edgar Hoover started up the U.S.’s Federal Bureau of Investigation. Just like Hoover, May 10th natives tend to be suspicious by nature. They want to believe that people are doing the right thing, but don’t really believe it until they see it for themselves. They might do things like show up at their lover’s workplace—unannounced—just to say hello, or check up on their child at a sleepover, or put spyware on their family’s computers. If you’re trying to keep a secret from a May 10th Taurus, let them stumble upon a lesser secret and confess openly to it. This should throw them completely off the scent and prevent them from sniffing out your dirtier crimes.

MAY 11

People born on May 11 tend to have a really explosive temper. They can go from zero to screaming in seconds flat, and when these Bulls see red, they refuse to be talked down. Socially, they want to be surrounded by only the most illustrious people, and they can be critical of even lifelong friends who they see as hacks or frauds.

MAY 12

Many famous people were born on May 12, from entrepreneurs to writers to comedians. These are people who can rally their resources and make their dreams come true if they have financial support from friends and family, at least when their careers are in their early stages. It’s not so hard to soar if you know you can’t fall flat, right, May 12th-er? Funnyman George Carlin, born on May 12, once said, “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.” In this simple joke you’ll find the split between the May 12th natives that make it big and the May 12th natives that only scrape by.

MAY 13

People born on this day can be hyper-charismatic and persuasive. They entertain, preach, propagandize, and basically seduce everyone they meet. Cult leader Jim Jones was born on this date, and he alluringly convinced over nine hundred Americans to join his cult, give up all their possessions, abandon their families, move to Guyana, Africa, and then drink poisonous Kool-Aid in a mass suicide. Actor Stephen Colbert, of The Colbert Report, was also born on this day and, while Colbert is pretty influential, it would be nearly impossible to beat Jim Jones’s power of persuasion. Just because you’ve got a tough act to follow doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try, though, May 13th-er.

MAY 14

Stubbornness is a trait that all Taureans share, but May 14th natives tend to turn that stubborn nature on themselves. They judge themselves harshly and hold themselves to totally inflexible and incredibly high standards. They don’t feel good about their labor until the world validates the work they do. If they’re not getting enough attention at the office, they may awkwardly try to slide their work achievements into conversations at social gatherings. Side note: Mark Zuckerberg was born on this day, so please “Like” and “Share” this on Facebook to show him he’s not alone in his awkwardness.

MAY 15

May 15th natives are just enormously hungry most of the time and feel essentially like a bottomless pit. If you were born on this day and have a slim figure, you probably feel that deep down inside you’re just a deprived overweight person. Don’t let down your guard or all your hard work will disappear faster than you can say, “Pass the cheese sauce.”

MAY 16

May 16th-ers are lucky. They get to experience the full roller coaster of love, the highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows. It seems like no matter how much they try to stabilize their relationship, the vacillating continues. Their stubbornness and refusal to compromise plays a part in their relationship drama, but their misery primarily comes down to the fact that they secretly love to argue and get a lot of pleasure out of sparring.

MAY 17

You look tired, May 17th-er. Is it because you’re out there, killing it, pursuing excellence like you do every day, or maybe you’re coming down with a little something? People born on this day are not show-offs, but they should be, because they are head and shoulders above other people in both their persistence and intelligence. Unfortunately, they worry too much about their health and can be total hypochondriacs. This can slow them down professionally and hurt them socially.

MAY 18

It’s possible that a single, bad break-up has ruined the entire romantic life of a May 18th native. If they seem distant and slightly judgmental when you sidle up to them, it could be because someone a long time ago (or yesterday, for that matter) stomped all over their heart. It could also be because you have broccoli stuck between your teeth… but it’s probably the broken heart thing.

MAY 19

On this day in 1962, Marilyn Monroe sang her famous version of “Happy Birthday” to John F. Kennedy. It wasn’t actually his birthday… Marilyn never was very good with dates unlike people born on May 19, who tend to be very good at keeping their calendars. Anyway, the point is that just like Marilyn adapted a classic tune in order to present it in a distinctive way, people born on May 19 also adapt the commonplace to meet their own unique needs. May 19th-ers are the original DIY-ers, and will figure out how to turn a mini-fridge into a Kegerator, or snip and sew to transform hideous curtains into a slightly less hideous dress. They will custom-fit anything, regardless of whether or not it’s a wise idea.

MAY 20

So, somebody once told you that you wouldn’t amount to anything when you were a kid, May 20th-er. So what. Shake off whatever that teacher or preacher or troop leader said to you, and dust off your dreams. Sure, you might fall flat on your face if you try to compete, but then again… you might not. The truth is, you will have no idea if you have what it takes to make your dreams come true until you admit that you actually have dreams.

TAURUS-GEMINI CUSP

People born between May 19 and May 22 are born in the Taurus-Gemini cusp. These people display traits of both signs. In the case of the Taurus-Gemini cusp, the signs share many traits in common. First, both signs love to eat, drink, and get it on, so people born during this time period can find themselves held hostage by their desires for these physical pleasures. Try to get on an every-other-day drinking-and-screwing schedule so that you can channel your boundless energy into more productive and creative activities.