Читать книгу Crazy Detective. Funny detective - StaVl Zosimov Premudroslovsky - Страница 3

Harutun Karapetovich looked thin and long. The face was a typical Caucasian. The hair is gray, long to the shoulders, even as straw. On Tiechka there was a solid baldness earned from previous work as a janitor to guest workers. Previously, he worked as a cattleman, after ten years in prison, as a political prisoner. The anecdote told about Lenin, the leader of the proletariat, and even the swine, to the auditor in the village council, and it thundered. Lenin would have reacted easier, just laughed, but the local authorities there – no. But it was in the post Soviet era. And therefore, with the disappearance of the Soviet system, the criminal record also disappeared. He was rehabilitated and given gas benefits. But with his retirement, he wanted to be useful for society, and then the wife of the new district policeman lured with his blue eyes and… the rest is HACK… So, I think, not swearing… So he went to the corporal to to the district police officer, and the rank remained from the army service.

He liked the English detective Poirot and therefore he smoked a pipe like Holmes, he just confused them. He wore a hat and mustache, like Elkyl’s, only Georgian. Even a cane bought a similar one and a tailcoat from workers at the Mariinsky Opera and Ballet Theater for a box of moonshine. The shoes were made to order by a neighbor who was serving as a shoemaker in the zone. He even knocked them out with pins and when he walked, especially on asphalt, he clicked like a horse or a girl from Broadway. His nose was like that of an eagle, and his big eyes were like that of a lemur.

“So,” said Ottila, and sat down on a special chair. Izya slammed the door and entered the office. On a tray he carried fried scrambled eggs with fish and his favorite freshly squeezed garlic juice. – come on faster, otherwise the python is already rumbling.

– Fuuuu! – grimaced Incephalopath, – how do you drink it? You can relax…

– What would you understand in exquisite gourmet? Do not drink. I personally like it. – ulk.. – took a sip of Ottila and.., – Uhhh, – burped it to the side. He jumped up and ran into the far corner of the office. A gulp of foggy-shaped tubers left the precinct’s throat and instantly, like tear gas, flooded the entire room. Arutuna was seized with an asthmatic spasm and when he coughed, he was not up to skill.

– Would be ashamed or something?! I’m suitable for your fathers.

– Or maybe a mother? – Ottila was experiencing scrambled eggs and, with a mouthful, spitting out crumbs, strictly barked: – everyone has their own taste, said the Hindu, getting down from the monkey and wiping his cock with a banana leaf. Do you want an eye?

– Oh! Sorry, patron, I forgot something … – Arutun Karapetovich was embarrassed and sat down in a chair.

Suddenly a street entrance door creaked and an old woman of about a hundred years old entered the office.

– Who did not close the door??? I’m busy, grandma!!! – Bug Klop and choked…

The wife heard the cough and ran to him with a sheet and a pen, so that he would write a will. But seeing his uselessness, swung and slapped her husband on bony shoulder blades. Ottila harked and spat out the yolk.

– Uh, Harutun, an old cartilage, why didn’t you lock the door behind you when you came? And you, granny, come out, we have a meeting.

– As? asked the deaf grandmother.

– Grunt! come over after dinner!! – said Klop loudly.

– Eat, eat, sweetheart with a marigold… I’ll wait. – the grandmother smiled and squatted down, as there were no more chairs, and it was not customary to give up space here, and no one from the audience came to mind.

– What kind of lunch? BUT? I’m having breakfast… And then on the agenda: work with subordinates. – Ottila waved his hand and, holding a spoon with a piece of egg, pulled the bruise directly into Harutun’s eye, – and you? – jumped into a chair, – not grateful mediocrity, – then jumped onto the table, – you can only eat moonshine, and beat faces to each other. I’m not going to walk like a coyote.. – and like an acrobat, using a somersault, I jumped from the table to the floor, – and put up with you.. Write a statement and that’s it!

– What statement? What are you yelling? “Isolde Fifovna interrupted him with a cry of King Kong.”

– BUT? – the dwarf began with a start.

– What are you yelling? – she asked more calmly and quietly, – don’t you see, she has been sleeping for a long time.

– So, here, now, an overnight stay? Incifalatus, take this pensioner out. – Ottila recovered into a bag and climbed onto a chair to have dinner further.

– I am an Incephalopath, a patron, not Incifalate. – corrected the Corporal and went to the sleeping old woman. Lightly poked her with a cane, like Poirot or Watson. – Dear, alle?! – turned to the Boss, who was already seated at the table and at a champ.

– Boss, she, in my opinion, grunted.

– What? Rape-rattle.

– Well,. Does not breathe. It is dead. – again with fear in his voice said Harutun. His lips quivered. He imagined that the same fate awaits him. Harutun wept.

Ottila froze with a mouthful of food. He looked at his wife and asked:

– Zhinka, go check it out.

Fifovna came up and lifted the old woman by the collar. The feet came off the floor, and the knees did not straighten. She went up and set the corpse as a vase in front of a mug, stupidly looking with her mouth full of chewed eggs, her husband.

– See for yourself, schmuck, is she dead or not?! – and was about to leave. – He, Zhinka. You will answer for the Zhinka. she muttered…

– Take her off the table, you fool!!! Are you… really, or what? I am the boss here, and the boss, and you?…

– Well, it started again. – mumbled the tray Intsephalopath.

– And you use the Ottila Aligadzhievich Klop fund for free! – the crumbs from the mouth flew apart, – And in general… pah, shit, – he spat out all the contents from his mouth and yelled, before climbing onto the table. “You are a maid here.” Got it?

– Yes my Lord. – Donald Isoldushka and knelt. Her head was flush with the head of her husband standing on the table. And the size of their heads would simply impress any pessimist: Her head was five times larger than him.

– Okay, heh heh heh, forgive me, take this grandmother out the door to the porch. No, better away from the hut. It’s morning and someone will find her.

The wife took the corpse and carried it where the owner ordered. After all, she also worked in support, as a technical technician, a janitor and assistant secretary with the rank of senior mattress. A minute later she returned and walked, marching to the table.

– I threw her over the fence.

– Are you a fool or something? This is a veteran of the plant. True, sitting. In short – the bum.

– You are eating. – the wife moved up the plate.

– I do not want. You should have put it on my plate. What kind of food is it? Take it out, let the children eat up. Just don’t tell them what I ate. And then they disdain.

– That’s right, if you have a whore from your mouth. Do you need to brush your teeth when you last cleaned them, a hundred years ago? – the wife collected the dishes from the table and went to the residential half of the hut.

– Be quiet, woman! What do you understand in smells? Okay, – I threw off my sleeve with crumbs and drops from the table. – What I wanted to say. Huh?.. So, get ready to go to Peter.

– What for?

– Oh, colleague, we have a new serious business. First and last!

– Are we being transferred to St. Petersburg? – Harutun pulled his hair out of his nostrils, was delighted and pounded with a cane.

– No, take it cooler. We will investigate a serious matter, and not poke around the sheds, in search of lost chickens and bull. And then, when we find him, we will be transferred higher…

– Where is it to heaven?

– Fool, there are no cities in the sky, To America.

– And what will we look for? What needs to be found to send us to America?

– We will look for the nose…

– Whose nose? – Harutun did not understand.

Ottila climbed onto the table and walked to the other side, closer to the Corporal. He sat down and dangled his legs, chatted with them.

– Well, in a nutshell.. – he began in a half voice.

– And what, in a whisper then?

– Nerd, competition. This case can be taken away by the Feds.

– Ahhh! I realized the cartridge.

– So then, the sleeve. Heh, cool! I am a “cartridge”, and you are a “sleeve”. And the cartridge is put into the sleeve. Hahaha Is funny

– No. They put a bullet into the cartridge.

– What, smart? And you know that in our country everyone is smart – poor and poor. Do you want to make a difference? Then listen, I won’t explain twice. A holy place is never empty. And your place, not just the Holy.. Do you know how many unemployed people in our village want to fuck you to take your free place?

Harutun hatched his eyes out of fear and shed tears of senility.

– Sorry, cartridge, not a bullet is inserted into the sleeve, but a cartridge.

– Well, then hear, how much, I will explain in a nutshell: Eeee… did you read Gogol?

– He drank a mogul.

– Are you kidding me?

– It was humor. I watched films with his participation.

– That’s good. Did you watch a movie about NOS?

– About whose nose?

– Well, not about yours? … – Ottila jumped off the table, – Humor again?

– Mnn, yes! – the old man stood up at attention. Ottila looked at the corporal’s groin and, with bulging eyes, raised his head, throwing his head to the end and saw only a sleepy plexus.

– Sit fucking!! he yelled. The corporal sat in a starting position.

– I remembered. The cartridge… this is where the man lost his nose…

– Remembered?

– Yes sir!!

– So we will look for him. Himself … – And Ottila poked a finger at the ceiling. – asked me for half a day. He very much requested that I myself personally take up this matter. So to speak, took personal control.

– The God?

– No, you fool, Marshal. Nuuu, our god. He said that there is no one worthier … – Ottila jumped to her knees, standing subordinate and took control of the situation.

– And how will we look for him. This is a story?! Moreover, they died.

– Who are they?

– Well, these, the main characters died long ago… and Gogol is the main witness, the same… well, dead.?! This is not humor.. Ahhh?

– Fool. – The bug jumped from the lap of Incephalopath. – We will look for a monument on a copper board that was stolen. Either homeless people or crooks. All the same, a monument to NOSU, and maybe… antiques.!?

– And who will stay here?

– Isolde and Izzy for the main.

– Is he still small?

– Not even small, I already knew a woman in his years.

– For this, a lot of mind is not necessary: put it, spat and went…

– How to know, how to know…

– No, patron, I could stay, my heart is weak…

– Nothing, here in St. Petersburg you will breathe gases and ease.

Harutun would also like to say something to stay with Klop’s wife, but he became thoughtful and looked away at the crawling two-tail on his knee and pressed the insect into the fabric of his trousers with his thumb.

– What did you want to blurt out? – sarcastically, squinting his eyes, asked Ottila.

– I do not have money or medicine.

– Well, that is solvable. Everything pays the budget. If we find the nose.

– And if we do not find it?

– And if we do not find it, then all expenses will be deducted… from you.

– How so?

– And like this. If you still ask stupid questions, you can lose your job. Got it?

– That’s right, understood. When are we going?

– Stupid question. We should already be there. Let’s go now!

– Why so soon? I didn’t pack my suitcase?

– We must always keep it ready. You knew where you were getting a job… By the way, the same thing…

– What?

– I did not pack my suitcase. Yes, we do not need them. Upon arrival, buy what you need. I have a bank card.

– And if there is not enough money?

– He will throw. – and again the district policeman poked a finger at the ceiling and in a pygmy style jumped, using somersaults, onto the table, waving a foot in front of the colleague’s nose. He got to his feet and crossed the table on foot in the direction from Arutun to his chair. Tears and headed for the exit.

– Why are you sitting? go! – and waved his hand, – and, as if along along St. Petersburg, swept over the Earth…

They left the stronghold, leaving only a note in chalk on the door:

“Do not worry. We left on an urgent assignment to St. Petersburg. You stay in the place of Incephalate, and Izya – instead of me.. Me!”

And at the bottom is the addition in another handwriting:

“Sorry, Pupsik, I’ll be back as I have to! While your Flea is walking up. Wait for me and I’ll be back. Maybe one…”

Izya read the note and, writing on the sheet in the handwriting of his father and Intsefalopat, hid it in his pocket and wiped the inscription from the door.

– Well, old goat, you got it. – I took my mobile phone and sent SMS to my father. Then he went into the house and gave the note to his mother. She read and shrugged.

Let him ride. We will replace it. And not a word about the continuation of the father. Got it?

– Of course, mother, I understand… And let’s take the pig from the headmaster, ahh? he suggested.

– What are you? We must do everything according to the charter and justice.

– And he yells at me in fairness?

– He is the director. He knows better. And he himself will be justified before God.

– Is that the one hanging on the wall in the office?

– Nearly. There hangs Iron Felix, his deputy. Okay, go do your homework.

– I did. Mom, can I go for a walk on the river?

– Go, but remember, puppy: drown, don’t come home. I’ll kill you… Got it?

– Yes. – Izzy shouted and disappeared behind the door…