Читать книгу Crazy Detective. Funny detective - StaVl Zosimov Premudroslovsky - Страница 7

The next morning, Ottila woke up from the heart of the tearing mats of a manned convict brigade consisting of: Toads – the type of foreman, Idot – not a measured bootman and grandmother Clavka – the star of the team.

– Where did you throw the board, fool? – Oral Idot, piercing his leg with a nail.

– And what, are you gouging into balls? She’s hanging on your foot! – Toad interceded for the lady laughing.

– You do, jellyfish, die. – Idot answered the old man, – and you, old woman, will still throw the board with the nails, I’ll put it in the ass.

– Look, don’t bother with carnations, especially on Zhabin! – the bass rattled off without a grandma Klava.

– So, convicts, that we scream, but there is no fight? – Ottila asked, smiling smartly, who went out onto the porch.

– Yes, this fool scattered the old boards, and I pricked my leg. – Idot went more modestly.

– Careful need. Here and my children walk.

– And what, Sarah is already walking? – Grandmother Clavka rejoiced. – and how is her pregnancy going? have not given birth yet?

– Unfortunately, it only goes in a dream. – the owner was depressed and was immediately taken aback because of the word “pregnant”. – What did you say?

– Excuse me, please, but is it a joy?! – the old woman modestly apologized.

– Come on, have already resigned. She is under the supervision of Dr. Smertiev, a professor from St. Petersburg. “But I don’t understand…” and Ottila broke off in time.

– From whom is pregnant? the old woman blurted out.

– How do you know about pregnancy? – bug asked bug.

– So the whole village knows and knows from whom. the grandmother said confidently.

– And from whom? asked the Toad, tearing the board from the wall.

– So you’re not a taste, or what? – the grandmother was surprised.

– So don’t Tomi, say the name, sister, name, answered the old man.

– So your son, Izzy. – Surely the old woman reported in a voice.

– Oops, no shit to yourself, joke! – for the bald Idot.

– And you are generally silent, the victim of an abortion. – the grandmother came over the kid.

– Quiet! – Bedbug was shocked. – why did you, grandma Clavka, get this? Who told you this heresy? – Ottila became dull and darkened, as he was dark-skinned.

The keyboard cluttered and began to look worse, twenty years older than its seventy years.

– Well, I think so, – clavored Klavka and changed her facial expressions, and began to look like a thirteen-year-old girl who looked in the mirror after losing conscience. Her skin was pulled up and its reality was revealed only by a toothless mouth, where only one sticking out black as coal, a tooth and stumps not finished by caries stuck out. – Of all the males, only Izya visited her… and you? – the grandmother choked. – but you are her father! I think.

– In the toilet you will think, but here, come on, Pasha. – Idot drove, – What a man are you driving in paint? Do you want to get on TV? Sensation! Brother raped sister and was born a humanoid? Yes, you will soon die than someone pay attention to it.

– Or maybe you are his father? – with grandma Klavka maliciously.

– Who, the district officer, or what? You drive, old woman. – and Idot threw a found piece of manure into it.

– That you drove the geese. This, in my opinion, is about the embryo of Sarah, and not the bedbug mother. – the grandmother explained.

– Firstly, not an embryo, but an embryo. You give birth to a brainless creature. And a person has an embryo. It was necessary to study at school … – Toad declared and glanced sideways at Idot.

– And secondly? – the grandmother recalled.

– And secondly.. – and the Old Man turned his eyes to Klop, but that wasn’t anywhere. – And where is Bedbug? he asked Keyboard.

– Just been here. – the grandmother shrugged.

– Yes, he dumped. Who is pleased when they talk about you. What’s there: secondly? Idot asked.

– So it is. Ohhh?! – Something surprised the Toad. – I found a hole in the wall.

– Where? – asked Idot and went to the Toad deep into the barn.

There was a hole in the wall that looked like a furnace well. All in soot and bullets.

– Yes, this is an old stove… Or maybe the treasure is buried in it? – the old woman rejoiced and assumed her original appearance of her age. The toad put his hand into the hole.

– Or a trap from rats. Hehe. – pinned Idot.

– I’m not afraid of death. – And the Toad plunged his hand into the elbow deep.

Suddenly something began to rustle.

– Ahhhh!!! the old man yelled and tried to pull out his hand.

– What,.. a trap? – the grandmother climbed in. Toad bulging eyes. The hand is stuck. Sweat leaked from Toad’s forehead and his raging eyes were like a drowning man in the last two minutes.

After a moment, the hand vibrated again, so much so that his Toad’s cheeks shook and he suddenly pulled his hand out. A dry mummy of a dead smiling cat was clamped in the brush.

– Wo, have me a member! – surprised the Toad and held out, teasing the face of the corpse, to the flabby face of Claudia.

– Woah buy! – the grandmother twitched and, having jumped on the backside, settled down on her immense backside straight on a nail of one hundred and fifty size in millimeters, sticking out of the board that she had thrown herself earlier. In a goiter, breath in full…

– Ha, what did I say?! that ass will put you on the count. – charged Idot.

And to the friendly Idotov’s words, the grandmother barked at the old throat.

– Went to the farm, to catch grandmothers. – the old woman became furious and, lifting her left wounded buttock, torn the nailed board to her body. The nail was rusty and with a corrugated surface like a saw. Blood dripped from the end. The keyboard examined him from all sides and, feeling pain, yelled violently.

– What are you laughing at, bastard? – she sobbed and threw the board with a bloody nail in Idot. He dodged and began to run away. The bricks launched into the trail flew into pursuit. One of the stones hit an angle at the back of the head of a kid. He fell and twitched.

– Are you driving? – Toad scared.

– Nothing will die. – the grandmother Klavka calmed down and anointed the wound with saliva. Idot later got up swaying and crouched beside him, holding with both hands a sore spot.

– I’ll bang you. – Idot stumbled into the floor of his voice.

– ABOUT? Watch it! She has a bundle of burlap in her belly. – The toad pulled this bundle from the cat’s stomach and showed it to everyone.

– Turn it around, asked the sad Idot.

– Maybe there bruliki? – suggested, the grandmother, who had forgotten the pain, was the keyboard. – And you, Goldfinch, go work. she barked at Idot. – your surname Mukhin and you fly over a dolyah from a treasure, like a fly over Paris.

– What are you saying? Or maybe you’ll go to hell, A? – Idot rode on. – What a yoknu on a boobs!

– Uh, good! – Toad snorted. – Buzu stop both. Want a pent taken away? Divide into three.

– In! And this is respect for you Toad. Sorry. I misunderstood you … – the paid Idot rejoiced.

– Do not ask forgiveness, I’m not a red girl. You misunderstood another. Half to me and half to us.

– Why is this for? – the grandmother was indignant.

– From that! – the Toad grinned. “I could have taken it all alone.”

– And how is it if they inspect everyone here in the evening, and do you even live here without a way out?

– Yes, you are good to bite, old people. Open it, or maybe there’s not a damn thing standing there. – entered Idot. – and the game is not worth the candle.

The toad looked at the co-owners of the treasure and tore the rotten rope without difficulty and slowly began to open the package. Witnesses on guard.

– Hey, the bottles. Clay…

– Scales…

– One hundred milliliters each…

– Six pieces…

– And what is written?

– Oh, are they sealed?!

– Cork. Vintage, probably…

– And what is written, let me see? – Idot tried to take one scaffold.

– Not a trooo, savage! – the grandmother of the kid slapped on a hand.

– Ah, you bitch … – Idot exploded and shoved the grandmother Key.

– Good, I say! – said the Toad and took one hundred millimeter scale. I cleaned the label on my chest and again took a closer look … – Something is not in Russian…

– Give me the syudy. – Idot held out his hand and took one small scale. – Look, the numbers: one thousand.. eight hundred.. ninety-seventh.. or just the seventh… It is not clear.

– And let’s try?! Wine, go … – suggested Keyboard.

– I do not know. Come on, try, you are a woman, you and the devil will not fall down. – agreed toad.

– What for? – Idot intervened – Better in St. Petersburg to turn in the antique dealer as is.

– Yes, we’ll try one at a time, well,..wash it, and hand over the rest to the antique dealer… Yes, Toad?

– Well, come on, who is the first? Idot asked.

– The key. – said the Toad. – she offered.

– Well, yes, if you do not die, you can drink.

– What would you do without me, peasants. And I’m not afraid to die. I am my…

– .. from blinking. – Introduced Idot and, taking his leave, for the bastard.

– Cattle! – The old woman slapped on the shoulder with the boy’s palm and, picking up her fang, tore the cork from the bottle. Sniffed. “Wine..” she smiled, and sucked the contents in a gulp. Swallowed and grunted. – Kryaaaa! cool.

– Well? asked the Toad, swallowing saliva.

– Fine. Already something in my head began to play.

– Yes bullshit it. – Idot answered squeamishly, having drunk his bottle.

– Yes, hell knows. But is it old?! – said, looking around his already empty bottle, Toad.

– And let’s have one more.. – the cheerful grandmother suggested. – Tatars do not live without a couple.

– So there are only three left. – Idot was indignant. – What shall we hand over?

– Listen, but what?! To drink, to drink like that, royally. Once we live. And the bottles are already antique. They are empty or full. Bottles are appreciated, not wine.

And they drank the other three glasses. They sat on a log and lit a cigarette: Idot – Marlboro, Toad – Belomor, and grandmother Clavka in the old fashion – a goat leg. So they passed out, without finishing smoking, sitting…