Читать книгу Crazy Detective. Funny detective - StaVl Zosimov Premudroslovsky - Страница 4

– No, patron, I could stay, my heart is weak…

– Nothing, here in St. Petersburg you will breathe gases and ease.

Harutun would also like to say something to stay with Klop’s wife, but he became thoughtful and looked away at the crawling two-tail on his knee and pressed the insect into the fabric of his trousers with his thumb.

– What did you want to blurt out? – sarcastically, squinting his eyes, asked Ottila.

– I do not have money or medicine.

– Well, that is solvable. Everything pays the budget. If we find the nose.

– And if we do not find it?

– And if we do not find it, then all expenses will be deducted… from you.

– How so?

– And like this. If you still ask stupid questions, you can lose your job. Got it?

– That’s right, understood. When are we going?

– Stupid question. We should already be there. Let’s go now!

– Why so soon? I didn’t pack my suitcase?

– We must always keep it ready. You knew where you were getting a job… By the way, the same thing…

– What?

– I did not pack my suitcase. Yes, we do not need them. Upon arrival, buy what you need. I have a bank card.

– And if there is not enough money?

– He will throw. – and again the district policeman poked a finger at the ceiling and in a pygmy style jumped, using somersaults, onto the table, waving a foot in front of the colleague’s nose. He got to his feet and crossed the table on foot in the direction from Arutun to his chair. Tears and headed for the exit.

– Why are you sitting? go! – and waved his hand, – and, as if along along St. Petersburg, swept over the Earth…

They left the stronghold, leaving only a note in chalk on the door:

“Do not worry. We left on an urgent assignment to St. Petersburg. You stay in the place of Incephalate, and Izya – instead of me.. Me!”

And at the bottom is the addition in another handwriting:

“Sorry, Pupsik, I’ll be back as I have to! While your Flea is walking up. Wait for me and I’ll be back. Maybe one…”

Izya read the note and, writing on the sheet in the handwriting of his father and Intsefalopat, hid it in his pocket and wiped the inscription from the door.

– Well, old goat, you got it. – I took my mobile phone and sent SMS to my father. Then he went into the house and gave the note to his mother. She read and shrugged.

Let him ride. We will replace it. And not a word about the continuation of the father. Got it?

– Of course, mother, I understand… And let’s take the pig from the headmaster, ahh? he suggested.

– What are you? We must do everything according to the charter and justice.

– And he yells at me in fairness?

– He is the director. He knows better. And he himself will be justified before God.

– Is that the one hanging on the wall in the office?

– Nearly. There hangs Iron Felix, his deputy. Okay, go do your homework.

– I did. Mom, can I go for a walk on the river?

– Go, but remember, puppy: drown, don’t come home. I’ll kill you… Got it?

– Yes. – Izzy shouted and disappeared behind the door…

– Uuh, – the controller, a native of some Latvian collective farm, shook her head, letting visitors through. – There is no conscience, it’s obvious that the face is not Russian, and the general’s uniform pulled on.

– And there is an administrative punishment for it.. – explained Sergeant Golytko, a native of Lviv.

– And here is my passport, with a screech, Harutun Karapetovich and handed him a penta. – Russian. I am Russian, mine!

– Like me, – added a pent

– And I. – bulging out her eyes, the controller added.

– Well, you’re all right. – The leaf passport pronounced the pent, – although for a second, – looked from under the foreheads, – are you an artist? – into the multi-colored eyes, after which he lowered his studying look at the ears, – or zoophile?

Ottila’s eyes hatched and he neighed like a gelding, looking at Intsefalopat. The corporal reddened.

– Well, stitch, with which cattle depot you, or at home culture? – the attendant handed the passport to Harutun.

– What kind of artist am I? I am not a full-time assistant to the local village of Sokolov Stream, Leningrad Region.

– Oh, gored, get out of here. – the duty officer suggested.

– This is my identification.

– Corporal, you say? – the sergeant scratched his cheek and put a seed in his mouth. – well, you’re free, and this one will come with me.

– What does it mean, “come with me”? – the Bedbug was indignant. – Let me call my boss now? He will set your brains…

– You call, you call there, in my office, and in the beginning I’ll test you for a search, maybe you are a Chechen terrorist or you escaped from your parents. Come on, let’s go. the servant scolded and simply shoved him: either with the butt or with the barrel, Ottil was entrusted to him with an assault rifle in the railway guard duty room train station. Ancephalopath followed him and even wanted to go on fire with his Ottila, as it seemed to Klop, immediately disappeared behind the column and pretended not to know Klop.

– Harutun, call Isolde, let him bring the documents! – shouted Klop.

“And quicker,” added the sergeant, “otherwise he will stay with us for a long time.”

– And when will it be released? asked Harutun.

– How to establish a person…

– Three days? – the old man smiled.

– Or maybe three years. – answered the attendant. – if he will not resist the authorities. – and slammed the door from the inside.

Incephalopath, with the fingers of his left hand, hugged his thin chin and, meowing under his nose, decided to carry out the assignment, which suited him and his Boss. He quickly walked out of the station into the street and immediately stopped.

– Where am I going? Harutun asked himself.

– To Isolde, you fool. – answered sarcastically an inner voice.

– So there is no money? What will I go to?

– And you, for the sake of your beloved, steal, over there, from that fat-faced man sitting in a black jeep.

– Her, she’ll beat her face. And not supposed to, I’m a pent?!

And while Harutun consulted with his inner voice, Klop, having given his data, modestly dozed off while sitting in a monkey.

– Hey bum, good fart! – Shouted the attendant. Ottila flinched and opened her bulging eyes. He mopped his mouth and, feeling a slush in his mouth, tried to collect his saliva with his tongue, but there was not enough dampness in his mouth and he asked for a toilet.

– Colleague, can I use the toilet?

“It is possible,” the elders answered good-naturedly, “but if you wash it.”

– Why? – Ottila was indignant, – I’m a detainee, but you have a cleaning lady in your state and she needs to wash the floor.

– Should but not be obliged to wash dolnyak after such stinking homeless people. Well, so how?

– I will not wash a point! – Generally Bedbug said categorically.

– Well then shit in your pants. And if something hits the floor, then you will fagot the entire compartment.

– It is against the law; you must provide me with a toilet and a telephone.

– And what else do I owe? Ahh? – the sergeant arrived.

Ottila said nothing. And having felt that he was about to grow up, he all the same agreed. Moreover, no one sees.

– Ok, I agree.

– Okay. the sergeant rejoiced and led Klop to the toilet. – a rag, powder there, under the sink. And for the technicals I get. The crisis, hahaha.

– And where is the bucket and toilet paper?

– Rinse the rag in the sink, and wipe your ass with your finger. – the sergeant was mistaken.

– Like this? – surprised Klop.

– How do you learn, I basically have sandpaper, I can offer, and with plain paper we have a lot of stress. The crisis in the country. Moreover, we are state employees.

Ottila made sour on his face and, taking the proposed paper, climbed onto the toilet. There was a loud drizzle, Pent turned and went outside, closing the post. And Ottila relaxed, looked between his legs and wrinkled his face. Not only did the stink of sour eyes hurt, but all the trousers from the outside were riddled with a small, nasty in color, smelly drysnyak. There was no question of the toilet. Even drops of diarrhea flickered on the wall.

Incephalopath stood at the column and, seeing the sergeant who had left the post, quickly ran to him.

– Hello! apchi, “he flattered.

– What, are you waiting for a grandson? Penth asked sarcastically.

– What grandson? Apchi, – stupid Arutun Karapetovich.

– What are you building grimaces for me here? Or is he your accomplice? What are you planning, guest workers?

– Who? Apchi, “Harutun was frightened.

– What are you building a fool? Your friendship is wanted federal. Are you with him

– BUT? apchi, – shook his cheeks with an Incephalopath. – no. I don’t know him at all. The first time I see.

– Why are you boiling for him then? Stab, uncle. – Suddenly the sergeant barked. Harutun drew back. – He harnessed for you, as for your own, and you?

– Ah, apchi, I know him, but it’s very bad, and only thanks to his wife.

– What? – Pent smiled.

– I am sleeping with his wife! – confirmed Harutun. The sergeant grinned and went to shoot documents for beer.

– And when will it be released? – echoed into the lobby.

– How the toilet is home and the answer will come. So for three days I have the right to fuck him.

– Can I help him? – suggested Harutun to the whole lobby.

– Wash the toilet?

– Yes, to be released faster.

– No, not supposed to.

Harutun sadly lowered his head: Mdaa… he got there and there is no money and Klop was lowered.

– Do you have money? – someone whispered straight into the auricle to corporal. He shuddered with his whole body and turned around. Behind him stood a fat ensign in a police uniform and was chewing a hard burger.

– Nnnet.

– Why? Om yum yum.

– And money, apchi, – Harutun got confused in thoughts and, stretching out his index finger, searching for pupils, he pointed to the door of the police post. – And the money from my, apchi, chef, there, in the monkeyclip from Klop.

– What a bug? Is that a nickname?

– No, his last name, apchi, he was detained until his identity was ascertained.

– Ahhh! Om yum yum., So let’s go, take the money from him, as if to yourself, and give it to me.

– Ahhh. He has, apchi, a card.

– Sorry. – And the policeman retired into the depths of the forecourt.

A week later, Bedbug was released from the 78th police station. This was the fifth branch in a row, starting with the station cops and everywhere he washed toilets. No one before him agreed to this. And he had to wash off the annual dirt.

Harutun was tired of waiting for him at the station for a week, it was good summer. He contacted the local gopot and the homeless. His clothes turned into a floor rag. His swollen face from the “ice” – a cleaning agent for ethanol glasses drunk by the homeless and the like – turned red like a chimpanzee’s ass.

His eyes were filled with tears, not only from grief, but also from a terrible hangover. He was sitting in the passage of the Moscow metro station. His hat was upside down and lay on the floor. One could see a dime in it: one, five, and ten coins. He sat on his knees and sobbed slightly. Fingals hardly missed tears.

– Harutun? Ottila called out, “what is the matter with you?”

– BUT? Apchi, – the corporal raised his eyes slowly.

– Get up, are you sitting here? – The bug came up and raised his hat.

– Do not touch, apchi. – Harutun yelled hysterically and grabbed his hat. Some little thing jumped out onto the marble floor and rang. The ringing was heard by homeless people standing nearby. They looked decent and younger.

– Hey kid, well, get off the wretch. – shouted one of them

– Do not bother him to earn bread, schmuck. – scared the second.

– Vali, Vali. – supported the third, – while alive.

– Are you telling me young people? – the local detective General Klop opened his eyes in surprise.

– ABOUT? Yes, this is not a kid at all.

– Is it a dwarf?!

– Yes, and the Negro. Heh. – And they began to approach the Bedbug.

“A cartridge,” Harutun whimpered, kneeling. – run away, boss. I will delay them. All the same, they already beat me and made me beg.

– Not ssy, I will explain to them in Sarakabalatanayaksoyodbski that you can not offend the elderly. Ottila answered confidently and rolled up his sleeves.

– Oh, Zyoma, he decided to run into us, – for the bastard, the healthiest of them and the bald one.

– Gray, drag it to the bucket. – supported thin and in tattoos, pointing to the urn.

– I say right away, calm down young people, I warn you the last time. – kindly asked Klop, looking into the eyes of a healthy. He took it with his huge brush by the collar and, lifting it, brought it to his eyes. He smiled ehidno and sharply gasped his breath. He opened his eyes, as if with constipation and enlarged his mouth, as if he wanted to put Ilyich’s bulb in his mouth. The goon let go of the brush and bent over, grabbed his groin with both hands.

– Ahhhhh!!!! – drowned everyone around.

Ottila landed on his feet and, crouching, inflicted a second blow on the balls, but with his fist.

He pounded the shot with his fists for a minute, so fast that it was difficult to distinguish between his hands and, in the end, hit the heel in the Adam’s apple with a heel jump. The redneck slowly fell forward and fell on the marble floor with his forehead, crushing everything sticking out to himself. Ottila bounced to one side, missing the fall. His homies are blown away by the wind. And in general, the transition was cleared of all kinds of freeloaders – drunks.

Ancephalopath stood up, leaning on the chef’s shoulder.

– Thank you, apchi, patron. I thought, apchi, I’ll die here.

– How did you get to this? They closed me for a week? And you have already sunk so.

“And himself?!” Harutun thought, but said nothing. Ottila looked again at the corporal and gasped.

– Oh, Yoshkin cat, what did they do with your mug?

– Yes, okay, apchi, – Harutun waved his hand and turned away his disfigured face: a broken nose, two fingals under the right eye and three under the left and not one front tooth. The cruel world of the homeless and merciful in one person. It is very difficult for the old to survive in this world at the bottom.

– Mdaa… but didn’t you ask them about their nose?

– No, it didn’t even come to mind.. – Harutun weaved slowly behind the Boss and chewed his tongue as usual, – even though, stop! – he exclaimed, – yes, I heard that he was pitted on copper to the nearest reception, and those – they died in an antique store.

– Who, those? – Ottila stopped.

– Well, from the reception point they handed over to an antique store.

– And in which one?

– And in the central one, behind the Kazan Cathedral.

– Let’s go. And then, suddenly they sold it?

They still came out of Mos. Bana on Nevsky Prospect. Dvizhuha. Ottila went to the aunt standing on the sidewalk and asked:

– And where the fuck. Kazan Cathedral?

– Nah?

– That is: located.

– You’re not Russian? guest or guest worker?

– No. I am a district police officer.

– Clear. Walk along the Nevsky, towards Palace Square and on the left side you will see the Cathedral.

– Thank. Health to you and your children … – Before the Bedbug thanked and went with Incephalopath along the sidewalk.

The case was completed successfully. The monument was returned to its place and put under the alarm and video surveillance.

Bedbug and Incephalopath received from Marshall gratitude in the form of a prize and readiness to expect a new business.

Bedbug sat in his office and, talking with Incefalapat, with his wife and children, talked about the adventures, omitting details of the humiliations that occurred during the investigation. Of course, the sad things were lowered and replaced with heroic fictitious acts… In short, they laughed with a bang…