Читать книгу Crazy Detective. Funny detective - StaVl Zosimov Premudroslovsky - Страница 5

Five years of boring collective farm life passed, and Ottila began to get drunk with Intsefalapatom, more precisely, he was drinking Solop intentionally in order to take possession of his wife. And Bug in the mind, it suited. Yes, and Marshall did not call.

– Ay, I’ll call myself. – threw a nail on his left hand, and a hammer on his anvil, where the nails are leveled, with his right hand for recycling. He was shocked by the “bell” chime and startled … – But if he sends me? – Ottila examined his household courtyard, where in front of him were: a gate in front of him, a bath to the right with a courtyard guard dog staring dumbly at the owner from a hole attached to the side shed.

– Polkan! Ottila called out. The dog closed his eyes. – Kel, – the dog jerked his ear, – Jyat, jyat! – The dog closed its eyes with its paw, – Kel Manda, Katyam James! – The dog climbed into the booth. – Here, bitch! – In Russian, Klop was upset. It was upset, but not offended. After all, women are offended, and men are upset, he and his father thought. But he was upset and took the stone from the fence of the flower bed.

– Polkan. – booms, took the second, and rolled first – Palkan!! – boom, boom, – Polkan!!! – booms, booms, booms, – Get out the bastard!!!! – booms, booms, booms, booms, booms, etc., until the stones in the flower border have run out.

– Aaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! – the dog bellowed in pain and whined. Even the neighbors heard the cheekbones. Ottila sat contentedly and exhaled oxygen from her lungs. Further, the review saw him behind the fence, and on the left – the entrance to the residential part of the hut.

– Ottila, they came to you! – shouted from the threshold of Isolde. The bug turned around. The wife stood at attention in the front doorway. From under the skirt, a cute face of Izi suddenly appeared. He was already seventeen. And she smiled sweetly with Caucasian eyes.

– What are you doing there? – asked the overwhelmed dad – biological stepfather.

– Well, get out from under the skirt! – She slapped her hand on the head and shoved her head into herself. Baska has disappeared.

– Call them here. Ottila answered and, taking the nail in his left hand, began to straighten it with a hammer.

From far away in the hut there was an eerie, dull thud. Soon, Incephalopath appeared, dragging the criminal by the scruff of the neck. He pulled it onto the porch and threw it into the center of the household yard. The criminal rolled like a ball into the center.

– Who is it? – asked, killed by the sun Ottila.

– Here, here, the cartridge. Oooh! Caught, apchi, in the act. Oooh. Oooh.

– What did he do? – reluctantly asked the precinct.

– He, he, apchi, in the dump hemp rub, apchi, understand.

– How ter? – The bug raised his eyes to the guy and mechanically hit his thumb with a hammer. – Ah, fuck!

– He’s lying. – The detained Idot whimpered by the name of Kolomiyytso, the son of Pankrat, the Ataman of the Local Cossacks and Wildlife Conservation.

– You, Idot, do not buzu, the field was plowed. Repented, just hit. Klop barked.

– Yes, I do not rub! – sobbed Idot. – “Kick from my dad will be.” – flew in his head thinking.

– Well, what, will we call the father? Apchi, – Asked the breathless Intsephalopath.

– Did you drag him from a neighboring area? Bedbug asked and pounded with a hammer, leveling the nail.

“No, apchi,” sweated Arutun Karapetovich swept his head. – he is here, in the rubbish dump.

– Well, so what are we going to do? Ah, Idot?? – The bug clenched his teeth and again drove on the same finger with a hammer. – … Get up!!! When I’m talking to you. Do not build a worm from yourself, an insect, what, do you go to your plans?

– No. – Idot stopped crying, but was still afraid.

– What were you doing there? Ottila asked sarcastically, pulling eyelids over his eye sockets and narrowing them, like a Chinese man had. – Jerking off? – pulled out a smile Klop. – Answer! – through an instant cried Ottila again.

– I, I think …, shit. – Idot admitted and looked at Arutun, waiting for the order of execution. And this one, “he nodded his head,” I was by the scruff of the neck, so I shabby my pants, I didn’t have time to wipe my ass, so I hit the bash shack in my pants and got rubbed on the frogs. Now it’s burning.

Ottila swallowed.

– What did you bring him? He’s still shit from a kilometer from him.

– So he, apchi, am saving up, rubbing …!? – replied Intsephalopath. – Look at the palms, apchi, they are smeared with hash..

– … and shit. – added Idot. – I did not take paper with me and wiped my ass with my palms.

– Which hand? Klop asked sarcastically.

– Both. – A kid of about fifteen, shaggy in the style of punk or schmuck, examined his palms and chose a dirtier one. – that this one.

– Come on, Harutun, smell it. – asked Ottila.

– What? apchi. – asked the corporal.

– Smell your hand and make a sanitary and epidemiological conclusion of the composition of the substance applied to the skin. Got it?

Incephalopath waved his head in agreement and walked reluctantly to the kid and squeamishly brought his hand to his nose. I sniffed the vapors that evaporated from the palm of my hand and shook the tip of the nose, then the bridge of the nose, then by inertia the wave passed to the necks, forehead and lips, and it was clear how he swallowed it all. The hat and fingers of Idot’s palm clenched sharply, clutching Arutun’s very long nose and pulled to him.

Harutun grabbed his fist with both hands, wrinkled his face and tried to tear it from his nose, but the kid had previously relaxed his fingers and abruptly removed it. Incephalopath jerked his head to the ass and almost fell on his ass. He recovered and gave a slap to Idot. He, who had received such a thing more than once, evaded and Harutun, having missed, followed by hand inertia and fell into a flower bed.

– Well, does it stink? asked Klop and handed his little hand to a colleague so that he could get up.

– Mdaa, apchi. – Arutun stood up himself, rejecting Klop’s offers.

– What is “Mdaa”?

– I didn’t make out, Apchi, – stuttering and holding by the nose, Harutun went through.

– Did you check his documents?

– Yes, this is a visitor, apchi, from Kazakhstan, where there is a chuyka.

– What a scent?

– Well, apchi, Chuiskaya valley, hemp grows there.

– And what did Che come here? – asked Idota Klop.

– And what did you come here? – answered Idot.

– What are you, a greyhound? I was born here.

– Doesn’t look like, why did he come here? – Pointed a finger at the Intsephalopath Patzan.

– And in the forehead? apchi. – shook his nose and splashed elephants in the Caucasian Harutun.

– I asked, what came here?

– Rodaki moved. I did not live sickly there either. – bored teenager.

– And why, you can’t forget Anasha? Rushing?

– I do not understand what you mean? I say, shit and wiped his ass with his palm…

– Why are you so vulgar? Not the Kents, all the same with you, and the deadline… Ten shines.. Che do not laugh?

– At least apchi. – added Harutun. – Plus – resistance to the authorities.

The kid blushed.

– And what, in Kazakhstan, they don’t put for anasha? – Ottila changed her tone.

– Well, as a matter of fact they plant it, – Idot rubbed his nose. – but I worked legally.

– What, legally? apchi. – surprised Harutun.

– Hemp collected? Ay! – Ottila again hit the same finger with a hammer.

– Like this? Something you, apchi, you drive nonsense, schmuck. – Arutun hit.

– Where did you catch him? – bug Klop. – far away from here?

– No, through the house, in the trash. Apchi, and most importantly, it grows there evenly, like in a garden.. You planted, apchi, a dog?

– Wait, Harutun,.. come on here syudy? – ordered Klop.

Idot reluctantly approached.

– Sit down. Ottila pointed to a nearby bucket and turned it over, but it was without a bottom. Idot sat down.

– Extend your hands to me, palms down… Here. Now, Harutun, bring the newspaper.

– Where from? apchi.

– Ask your wife..

– Pisyunya, give me a newspaper! apchi.

– Who? Pisyunya?

– Apchi, apchi, apchi … – Harutun turned red

Idot chuckled.

– What are you laughing at? – Ottila turned to the porch. “Izolda, bring the paper here!”

– Take it yourself! Not stepmother grew up! Isolda snarled.

– Go get it. – in a low voice sent corporal Klop. Harutun brought the newspaper in half an hour, Ottila had already managed to align a hundred nails.

– What the fuck did you go for death? Come here.

Ottila took the newspaper and spread it on the anvil.

– Three. – ordered the bug

– Four. – Idot answered in bewilderment.

– What, four?

– Well, three – four – five…

– Are you kidding me? spit in your hands and three, three to holes. Erase all your shit from your hands.

– What for?

– Do you want to demonstrate this in the district police department laboratory?

– No.

– Then three here and fast.

The kid quickly rubbed a ball with a pea and handed it to Klop.

– In? Wow! – surprised Klop.

– Immediately felt, apchi, the hand of a professional.

Ottila pea wrapped in gold from a cigarette under a piece of paper up. And set fire to a lighter. The paper burned and dried the pea. Ottila unfolded and pounded a pea with a hammer. Loosened up with tobacco gutted from a cigarette and scored back. Sealed and completed at the end. I put a twisted piece of cardboard from under the matchbox into the filter place. And with his tongue he moistened the top of the cigarette and lit it. The jamb crunched and the retraction directly sucked to the precinct’s lungs and he remembered Africa. Its open spaces and the jungle. Dancing underneath there with the papuascas stinking out of my mouth. Olivier from the brains of a black man from a neighboring tribe who came for salt. First sex with a hippo and more. In the end, he, pouting like a bubble, held his breath, gradually letting out the gin’s winged smoke in gusts. His blood was enriched with cheerful oxygen and he felt as if he had flown in zero gravity. Everything around was bright and buzzing. Ottila’s childhood came and everything around began to please. The dog climbed out of the booth and, seeing the stupid gaze of the owner, danced and wagged his tail.

– Nothing shit yourself?! – He did not utter his voice, and handed the cigarette to Intsephalopath. – on Harutun, hold on. As an expert, find the difference between shit and shal.

– And I never smoked it. Apchi. I can not.

– Like a cigarette, just do not let out the smoke. I say, do not put it completely in your mouth, leave a gap for supplying air to the lungs and pull in, pull in and not let out. Pull it in and feel it inside of you.

Harutun slowly walked over and picked up the jamb. He smoked, as the boss ordered. After a moment, he turned into a vegetable and dumbed like a turkey.

– Give the kid. – Ottila forgot and ordered Harutun. – Let the joke in front of the prison … – after half an hour Ottila continued – Arutun, alle. What are you soaring about?

– BUT? Give.. – the old man waved and came to his senses. He reached out with a cigarette. Idot took the jamb, puffed and handed it around the district. He began the second round, and soon the Incephalopath finished off the heel.

– Well? – let go of Bedbug. – smoke? What are you smoking, kid?

– Belomor. – I got a pack of Idot and took each a cigarette and myself. Held out. They took and smoked.

– Well, tell me how you legally mowed hemp? – Started Bedbug.

– Heh, can you tell me at the beginning how you apchi legally planted her? – added Harutun.

– Like, heh. – pinned Idot. – on the tractor.

– What are you persecuting, salaga? – Harutun raged. – On a tractor, it scratches. Sit down, bastard! For life!!!

– Yes, sit down, you, otherwise you stand like a hook. There, sit on the porch. – suggested Bed bug corporal.

– In short, the joke was in practice. – the beginning of Idot.

– And who did you study? asked Klop.

– Yes, for a tractor driver-generalist. Well, they sent to the plans, hemp to clean for ropes. A tarpaulin for your UAZ from hemp ropes is sewn.

– Here is how? – surprised Ottila. – So what?

– Well, they put me on a cannabis harvesting machine.

– And what is this? asked Klop.

– Yes. – Confirmed Incephalopath.

– How do you know that? – surprised Klop.

“I am in my youth, Apchi,” Harutun began, but Idot continued:

– … was a drug addict.

– Shut up, puppy! – Harutun was excited. – you play, apchi, you sit down for a long time.

– Calm down, Harutun. – Klop smiled. – continue.

– Well, in my youth I lived and studied in the Caucasus in Sharaga, and we had a subject – agricultural machinery was called. So, we went through a cannabis harvesting machine. She, upchi, clings to Belarus or MTZ-40. Voot, apchi.

– So, what is next? – turned to the kid.

– Well, I’m going upstairs … – continued Idot.

– Like this? asked Klop.

“Yes, like combines, apchi, one after another,” explained Intsephalopath. – only we have a detachment, and, apchi, they have a ladder.

– Clear. So, what is next?

– Well, I’m going. – the beginning of Idot.

– I got drunk right away. – added Klop.

– What, apchi, hemp is the sea. – pinned Harutun.

– No, chief, we were taken to a tractor by an UAZ with a district police officer and a nurse. A bash with a ranetka could be carried, but no more. The doctor constantly puts pressure on hold. There are no windows on the tractor, the heat, only the roof and the wind, both from the stove and the buzz walks. For four hours the shift is so breathing that smoking is not necessary. After all, you are in it yourself. Here. And across the fields along the road between the nickels, in a jeep, the Kazakhs catch the tractor and drive up, shouting: “Open the drum. Yes.”, But if you don’t open it, they will kill. So you obey. You clean the drum blades from dusting, and the dust is Galimovy hash.

For this they throw bucks into the cab and dump. Up to five kilograms pulled weight, count, pent!? The match head for three hours covers five. This is the topic.

– And so few, and three? – asked son Izya, who quietly eavesdropped. – to try.

– Well, he jumped into the house, jerk. Can’t you see I’m interrogating?

– Let him listen, it’s legal and instructive – the mother, who also warmed her ear, interrupted. – what’s next, going?

– Well, in short, I’m traveling, the buzz is flying and it has covered me, but I didn’t rub it, I just sniffed the air. And I look, the partner is driving in front, and he will jump out of the tractor and run to the side, and the tractor is still going. I look in the mirror, and in it a UAZ policeman and a doctor approach a shift change. I’m not on the spot. And from the UAZ, the pent ran out after the runaway sidekick to catch up.

– And why did he drive so, do you reproach? – bug Klop.

– Smoked, moron, before the mowing. And the buzz of wind, in general, tore down the poor fellow’s tower and it seemed to him that he was mowing the flies on the plans for planned ones, in your opinion – drug couriers. And then, by type, the pentes burned. Well, he is to blame.

– Hi hah hoh huh huh. – Klop chuckled, and Harutun hung, somewhere in the Caucasus … – and what, they caught?

– Yes, in an hour. And the tractor flew into the canal.

– Fun, apchi, there. – Arutun sucked in a snot.

– Yeah, fun. – supported Idot. – Well, I went?!

– Hehehehehe … – The bedbug slowly stopped laughing. – Go, and tomorrow at noon you will come. You’ll still rub it, and then we will catch you again, we’ll take you away and we’ll definitely plant you.

– For what? – Idot was surprised and sobbed.

– Harutun, get his subscription about not leaving. – The bug got up and arched his back.

– Or maybe we’ll agree? – suggested Idot, who immediately stopped crying. – Tomorrow you will come with a pig, we’ll see. All go both out. I’m tired. The workday is over.

– Come on, apchi, idiot. – suggested Harutun and went to the exit.

– Idot. – followed the corporal boy.

– … And with a pig, you bring a ram to me. Got it? – Arutun stopped and skipped Idot in front. When Idot passed the lead, Harutun kicked him in the ass and shoved him in the back, laughing out loud…

They soon left and Ottila went to the house for dinner…