Читать книгу Crazy Detective. Funny detective - StaVl Zosimov Premudroslovsky - Страница 6

Ottila opened his narrowed eyes and inexplicably examined the kitchen. There was an outcast and he terribly wanted to eat, but the table was empty.

– What was that? he thought. – It’s covered!

I thawed tears from my chair and I just wanted to start collecting food on the table, when he was guarded by a quiet and blissful moan coming from the bedrooms of the residential part of the hut.

– Sarah? – flickered in his head. – But she …?!

Sarah was the first daughter of Ottila and Isolde, but she had a congenital defect, that is, she was deaf in both ears from birth, blind in both eyes and dumb, in other words, blindly dumb and therefore did not need to be represented before. But now the time has come, especially since the moans coming from the depths of the hut belonged to her. By the way, God awarded her a beautiful figure and a pretty face.

But he was embarrassed by another piece of news transmitted by a doctor from St. Petersburg, the day after the examination, when Sarah became ill and her father was seriously thinking about her.

– She, sire, is pregnant, and this makes her sick. – the doctor quickly concluded.

– And who is the father? After all, no one comes to her?! – surprised Klop. – Besides households.

– Unknown. DNA testing can be done, but this intervention may interfere with the development of the child. When you are born, then you will see: the father is a Negro or Chinese. – answered the doctor and quickly walked away. Izzy followed him.

– Doctor, thank you for not giving me up.

– Firstly, thank you will not get hold of…

– Oh, sorry, doc. – and Izya took a checkbook from his pocket and tore off the check with the number indicated earlier and handed it to the doctor.

– But know, the doctor held out his hand to the check. – blood mixing, this is a dangerous thing. In eighty-nine cases, the fetus may appear very wrong.

– What is it like?

– A freak can be born.

– Who??? – Barked on the other side of the bug and ran out to the interlocutors.

What happened? It turns out Izya and Sarah became adults at the same time. But life is life.

Ottila put up with it the next day, because he himself is the son of a cannibal. So what?

…Suddenly there was a sharp bang of the door of the base office and Ottila flinched.

– Again did not lock the door in the support. – Outraged Bedbug.

In that half of the barracks, the sounds of Arutun forcibly dragging someone were resolvable.

– Harutun drags someone again. muttered Klop to himself and glanced at his watch. – Oh, yo-mayo! Already three nights?!

Harutun appeared in the kitchen doorway and exclaimed:

– In! I caught it! – and tossed into the middle of the old man, who spent thirty-eight years in the zones. This was evident from the tattoos on the whole body. His tattoos warmed like a shirt, and so he only walked in his underpants, and even in winter. The old man froze in anticipation of the beat.

– What is it? asked Klop.

– Wooh, apchi, this shnir the same hemp rubbed in the trash, and even signed the grandmother Key. – Arutun leaned on the jamb with his elbow.

– Yeah?! – surprised Klop. – And what, she is also rubbing?

– Yes, even how, she dashed such a bash, – and pulled a billiard hash ball out of his pocket.

– Is that all hash? – He extended his hand and took the ball. He turned it in his face, sniffed, threw it. – Fifteen years will pull. Confiscate. Well, what do you say, grandpa?

– He’s lying. – the old man crouched on the floor. – it’s not my thing.

– And whose? apchi.

– Yours, it’s him.. and hangs on us, and Claudia and I just fucked in the bushes. In general, this horse shit.

– What? – exploded Intsephalopath. – It is interesting what the horse did in the garbage dump, plucked grass, which does not grow there? Or gear? And hemp was eating, life was steaming up, the owner – schmuck, so he decided to forget. And then it impatient.

– No, I remembered. Some shepherd was passing by. He picked up a bag or rubbed it and left. And what? It is popular, without security, but there is no money for swipes. And so I want to forget. So the shepherd drove in.

– Fuck, you say? – The bug climbed into a chair. – It is not difficult to check in the clinic in the morning.

“Who are you listening to, Boss, apchi,” Harutun grinned. – It was like this: the grandmother Klava is naked, all smeared with petroleum jelly, you, because she couldn’t smear her back? I ran around the trash, getting lost on hemp bushes.

– Running? – grinned the old man.

– In the beginning you showed her, but you are smelly, and she is still a woman, albeit old. And in the bushes you did not fuck, and you scrubbed the blissful dust that had stuck with a knife from her body, sticking it into a ball. And you threw the knife there and in the morning we will find it and your fingerprints on it, and on the knife sting – gash, that is, dope.

The old man silently lay and looked in surprise. After all, everything was as suggested by the version of Harutun?!

– And how she still has not pricked her leg, an old fool. After all, there all the village shit has been from owl depot times.

– Vo said! – the Bedbug became proud of his subordinates. – and from where did you calculate this, colleague?

– He, I saw it myself, I wanted to take it off my mobile, but the battery was dead.

– Sorry. – Klop sighed.

– What exactly? Apchi. asked Klop.

– It is a pity that the battery is dead. – I threw the tears from my chair and walked around the room. – I don’t have to move my brains.

– Yes, all this nonsense, boss. Shit is horse-drawn, and if not, I’m not caught red-handed and everything here is just a run over for the quarterly report for the award. – concluded the old man and began to get up.

– Sit, apchi, bastard! – shoved Harutun the old man. – what shall we do, Patron?

– This is an abuse of authority! – the old man was indignant.

– And you are silent! Ottila barked. – Examination will show. You are guilty, and if you want to go to the zone, you will sit until the morning when the expert laboratory arrives. Or, I assign you one hundred hours of work in the household. courtyard stronghold.

– Where is it? – asked the old man in shorts lying on the kitchen floor.

– Get up and shake it off, detained. Harutun will explain everything to you along the way. Yes, Harutun, I almost forgot: take a purely heartfelt confession from him in case you didn’t show up for work, find a knife, just don’t touch it with your hands, wrap it in a bag. And you, old one, if you will gloriously work out, you will cost only a centner of the boar.

– In, yet? – the old man was indignant. – Where will I get it?

– Shut up, apchi, when the Boss makes a verdict.

– Uh, by the way, you can cut it. Go, tomorrow at six o’clock, mining begins. Yes, and take a toothbrush with you, and I’ll find you a bowl. Look, you will eat with the dog in turn. If Polkan permits. You’ll sleep in the bathhouse.

– And can the last word be? asked the grandfather.

– Go ahead!

– And who will command?

– Just me. Go on. And do not forget about the boar…

Ancephalopath led the old man to the exit from the stronghold and walked quickly to the Boss.

– Che, let’s get it? apchi!

– What? Are you a colleague, a drug addict?

– No, what are you. But I thought that, apchi, it is necessary to conduct an examination?! And immediately.. And then … – Harutun hesitated.

– But the fact that? Sour? – examining the bash from all sides asked Ottil.

– No. But expertise. After all, the verdict has already been passed?!

– By whom? The judge?

– No, apchi, by you, but you have the right to a pre-trial verdict of especially minor offenses, especially before bedtime just…

– Well, come on, but only for the sake of a working conclusion.

They beat a cigarette and sat down to smoke.

Morning was approaching and they were sitting at the table and reasoning like Holmes and Watson, all the more so since Holmes was smoking opium and this did not stop him from making deductive conclusions. But Watson only drank whiskey, cherry, thumped shorter, like Lestrade, and because of this they were dumb and were a cut below Sherlock. Alcohol dulls the mind, so the Government of the world permits, booze and prohibits the sprouting on Earth. But the fool doesn’t need to eat anything at all. He is because he is a fool and knows no measure. But both of them were dissenters and on this they reasoned like that.

– Campaign here in the village, someone planted Chuy hemp and blat the village. – Started Bedbug.

– But who? apchi, idot or old man? – continued Harutun.

– Or maybe a third party? And these can only be witnesses of what happened and decided to get ahead, having tried.

– Toad, apchi.

– What, toad?

– The old man’s name, apchi, – Toad.

– Toad? Heh. Let there be a Toad… A white toad in honor of a white swan.

– What? apchi.

– No, nothing. Well, what, go?!.. But no. Wait… Come on, eat it together?!

Harutun opened his eyes and threw out his tongue slightly in surprise.

– Not against? he asked, squinting his eyes maliciously at Ottil. – you didn’t eat all day and night according to the plans of addicts drove?

– Yes, apchi, exactly. – clapping his hands, Harutun ran up abruptly and sat in another chair.

– Che sat down? – Ottila drove.

– Why, what am I, and what am I? – The corporal fussed and blushed.

– Go, take it: there’s soup, there are spoons, plates, a refrigerator, – Klop began to point with his hands, representing the kitchen. – … there is a cook. Well, you know… A serious business has spun.

– What? About anasha? – choking soup through the soup, Harutun sighed.

– Just don’t sneeze. Suck it and do not spoil your appetite.

Harutun followed the chef’s advice and sucked it into himself.

– It is necessary to establish surveillance over a nickle and to catch all drug addicts.

– Just, apchi, we’ll spend the community work day in the village.

– Exactly! And the marshal will cover all our expenses. And to describe and destroy all drugs…

– And then we will destroy this nickle.

– Is this legal? Apchi

– What?

– Well, about the boar, apchi.

– You are offending, this will all be included in the report, as a bonus to official dog Polkan, for the capture of Idot and Toad.

– But it was I, apchi, who caught them?

– You, but you still owe me, remember?

– Yes, apchi, remembered.. Let there be Polkan.

– … And we will send the report over the Internet to Marshall.

– Have you ever seen Marshal, apchi. – Arutun slowed down the spoon.

– No. Although I once worked as his adjutant.

– So, who signed the documents? – Arutun reached for herring and sleeve touched the greasy layer of borsch. There is a window in his door, like in a cash register: there are secret papers and grub, to which, I tell you a secret, I spit more than once.

– And he did not know? apchi.

– If he did not recognize, then I would not be here.

– I don’t understand, you lived there like cheese in butter, why did you need to spit?

– In this country, spitting is an insult, and in my homeland it is a sign of greeting and love, like a kiss. After all, when you kiss, you suck on your partner’s drooling. And this is a kiss in the distance… No one saw his face. Well oh well, Eat up and go watch the dime.

– And you? apchi.

– And I’m going to think. If what?!.. – Klop yawned. I’m under the zhinka.

– In the bedroom?

– In the toilet, ram, of course. Better close them in the garage. From there, they still will not get out until the morning.

– And the car? apchi.

– Which car?

– Well, since the garage, apchi, then there is a car?

– There was once, more precisely, a motorcycle. Izya broke, now only a crumpled piece of metal, lying around…

– Well, I went, Boss?! apchi.

In the morning the old Toad came and, having received instructions, went to clean the barn. In the barn for a long time the master’s hand was not applied and everything there was covered with shit. Ottila, as usual, sat down to align the nails. I want to note that all detectives have a hobby that leads them to think: Holmes has a violin game, Poirot trusts his gray cells without interference, Agent Kay has a pie, and Klop has straightened nails. And when they were over, he would drive them in and tear them back in order to straighten them again and at the same time feel a buzz of thought.

Bale, bale, bale, bale. And so hour after hour, day after day, year after year, and… Suddenly, a nasty face of the Toad appeared from the barn and stared, smiling at the policeman.

– What do you want, stinker? Ottila asked.

– Can I smoke, boss? the old man asked uncertainly.

– Che, it stinks?

– Not that word. You, hike, turned around a rotten corpse of a dinosaur?

– No, I just flicked it and let the little dove out, which itself does not oxygenate.

– Okay, smoke.

The old man went out and took out a cigarette.

– Wait!

– What, boss?

– Just leave your ass in the barn.

– Hehe, the joke understood. – Squatted by the barn and wanted to light a cigarette…

– … Cant, or what? – Bug bug.

– No, boss, just Belomor.

– Come on here.

The old man held out a cigarette. Ottila took it and lit it. The cigarette was clean, without additives.

– On, smoke. – Gave Ottil to the cigarette Toad.

– And you for a long time to us?

– I’ve been here for six years and have been thinking forever. I have reconciled. He spat on his career. Traded for this wonderful world, from which it carries dung and shit… Damn him. In short, what am I tired of already?

– No, when I lived here until the last time I served, the district policemen changed like gloves.

– And why?

– The reasons were different: they were drinking too much, then they stole through measuredly.

– Well, it does not threaten me. I am listed among my superiors as a non-drinker and a seller. Tell me something, can I finish building a barn before autumn?

The old man examined the building, which was half made of brick. The collapsed gaps in the walls were patched up: either rotten plywood, then roofing material, then sacks.

– Can. Only all this needs to be replaced. Yes, and your walls are obsolete.

– And how old are they?

– Ohhh! Chief, yes, as far as I can remember, this building stood. Here used to be a courtyard of some merchant. In the revolution, they say, they caught a runaway from the red-feathers, and there they ended up with the whole family.

– Where?

– What is where?

– Well, done.

– Ah, so here in the barn. And then it was a warehouse, and after the war – a stronghold.

– Fun. Can you do it? Of course, do not disassemble to the end. The mills are still strong, they are also stone. Just finish them.

– For a fine watch will not work. Moreover, you need an assistant and not one, at least two. And, of course, an advance, then there will be an incentive.

– Well, there will be a fine clock in the advance place, but we’ll see. But I will pay if it is worth it. Like – I’ll give a chervonets, but no – the judge will give a chervonets. That’s agreed. And in the apprentice, I will tell you Idot. Do you know this?

– Sure. This is a moron from Kyzikhston. – the old man froze sour.

– And what?

– Yes, he’s a drug addict, I’ll fucking. – the old man pricked the Adam’s apple with his fingers.

– And you?

– I AM? Damn it, this is the key fool of this moron obeyed.

– And what, do they really communicate? she’s good at him.

– Ay, he offered her extra income. By drinking, of course.

– In court, of course, you will not testify these words against Idot.

– You’re holding me for someone, boss. I’m not a bitch. I haven’t been to the zone and I won’t dance to your pipe. Better time than a freehand bucket.

– Cool down. This is me. But what if?!

– I understand, boss.

– And will Baba Klava be able to work?

– Sure. Although she is 65, she plows like a bulldozer. But Idot?! There will be problems.

– Will not. I will attract her too.

– And the money is equal for everyone?

– You more, but after a fine hours.

– And if we do, and we won’t work out a fine watch?

– Get a Chirp from me, and the punishment is not granted. Lots of work.

– But what is there to build?

– The pigsty must be increased. I want to have pigs. Well, so, hands on?

The old man shrugged.

– Well, if under these conditions, three pieces.

– You are four, and do not forget about the term.

“That and that,” he shook his head, squinting at the barn, “of course I agree.”

– Agreed then. Will you pay. I’ll give you money, but you’re also in demand, you cut it, Toad?

– Ooooh, me?! Shit question, boss, let’s do it!! – The old man took a deep breath and lit another cigarette. – So, I kind of like a foreman?!

– Sort of.

– And when to start?

– And even now, I’ll say to Arutun that Idota and Grandma Klavka bring. And here is Idot.

– Remember the moron, he will appear.

Idot appeared in the doorway.

– Well, what did you bring? – Bedbug turned to the Kid.

– In cash.

– How many?

– A couple of pieces enough?

– Enough, but that’s not all. You will help the old one, he will explain everything to you.

– To this? Oh well, boss, he’s leaky.

– I’ll gouge out your eyes right now, are you answering for the bazaar? – and the Toad rushed with the Pitchfork, who were not far off, at Idot.

– Wait! – I got the air gun of Idot. – Right now I’ll shoot the eggs.

– Ltd? Are you with a gun?

– Everything is legal, Head. Father gave. Here from such snails.

– Aren’t you afraid? You are here under arrest. Can I call my father? He will not make you leaky, but he will give you pipets, you will remember it for life. And where did you get that Toad is full of holes?

– Yes, everyone speaks in the village.

– What do you scratch, Kalbit face. Why don’t they say piss in my eyes?

– So, calm down and work, if you do not want problems… Everything… Quiet! I said: you will work in a place, period!!! – the district general Klop Ottila Aligadzhievich yelled at the whole yard.

– So yazh crazy? – surprised Idot.

– Okay. Let’s start from the beginning: What kind of trunk?

– My. That is, the father gave.

– Is there permission?

– There is.

– Check it out. But you didn’t get mad for the state, so you hired a tractor driver who will plow this hemp. And you will work out the term with him.

– And here I will not. You will not prove.

– I will not prove? Right now, on the Internet, I’ll send the recording to youtube of yesterday’s conversation and dad will not help.

– Chervonets, exactly? – added the old man.

– And you close hailo, schmuck! – freaked out Idot.

– Quiet, quiet. You see, pimpochka? – Ottila pointed to the first catch on the fence. – This is a video camera. You can say hello to your family.

The kid said nothing.

– Toto, come and in an hour in work clothes here.

You can bring a father. I hope he will be pleased to know what his stepson is doing. Heir! You can ruin his reputation forever.

– No need to tell father. I will work.

– That’s good. At the end of the commissioning, you will also receive towers. And you tell your father that you found a job with me. Got it?

– Yes.

– Also, go to Granny Klavka and say that I call her urgently.

– And if she does not come?

– Say that I’ll arrest you in all severity of the law.. Go.

So the brigade assembled and set about restoring the barn, which, like a thorn in the eye, Ottila, before heartburn, had been getting through Isling’s whining for five years now. And Bedbug could not or did not want to find time for this. In general, Ottila was a lazy person, or rather, it was easier for him to catch a lion than to build or clean the cattle. Soon Arutun came with a Toad knife, and without those caught. Apparently Claudia warned everyone or those were exhausted. Further, the law enforcers went around the village sheds in search of a young cow that disappeared from the wealthy Lidergos family. Searches did not last long and the burenka was found in the barn of a large impoverished Sarikulov family. But to plant the owner of the family did not work. He went into denial and blamed on underage children, they say, hungry, that they stole a cow, and the owner did not know anything about it, the reason is the annual binge. Burenka was returned, and Sarikulov was threatened that sooner or later he would fly in and sit down.