Читать книгу The Truth about Relationships - Stefan Blom - Страница 22

Decide what really matters

If you think it and feel it, it is your right and responsibility to share it. This doesn’t mean that every thought or emotion is relevant and important. Sharing every thought and feeling would be an exhausting mistake. Instead, filter through your thoughts and share the ones that really matter to you and the life of your relationship. A simple rule here is the sleep test. If you take a thought or feeling to bed and it holds the same intensity when you wake up the next day, it is asking to be shared. If keeping a thought or emotion to yourself will prevent growth in your relationship or cause tension, it needs to be shared.

If a conversation topic is important to you but not to your partner, it is relevant and important to your relationship. What matters to one of you may not matter to the other, but if you are in a relationship in which both of your experiences matter, you need to embrace them. Never fight about whether a topic is ‘big’ or ‘small’ – what is small for you may be big for your partner and, consequently, deserving of attention.

What matters to one partner should always matter to the relationship.

If you are scared to speak your mind because you expect a fight or an argument to result, or if you don’t feel safe enough to do so, you need to start with the next skill: the skill of coming to an agreement about how, when and where to speak, or not speaking until you are ready.

Questions to ask yourself

•What is on my mind that is really important to my relationship and to me?

•Which point or issue needs more understanding in our relationship?

•Where do I feel really misunderstood or not seen in my relationship?

•Which point or issue would I like my partner to understand better?