Читать книгу The Truth about Relationships - Stefan Blom - Страница 29

Accept that you are different

We need to accept that no two people will see the same thing in the same way. We should allow each other our different experiences, and be really interested in how we experience the world differently. In a way, we should seek to disagree. Disagreement means that two or more people have taken the time and courage to share their most important thoughts and feelings, and feel so strongly about them that they refuse to agree. Couples who never disagree may be keeping quiet about what they really think. Sweeping your real thoughts and feelings under the carpet has never proven to be good for any relationship.

If you see the world differently to your partner, and feel strongly about how you see it, no amount of dialogue will make you see the world in the same way as your partner.

So, the secret is to move away from fighting to be right and to accept that you are right for only you. What is right for you may not be right for your partner. It simply cannot be true in a relationship between two people that your experience is the only experience and, therefore, the right one. The reason is logical: you are two people viewing the world, not one. Rather focus on accepting that you are both always right, because your experience is your experience and your partner’s experience is his or her experience. No amount of dialogue or debate is going to change that.

Remember that people have different views and equal rights to express them. If you don’t believe that you and your partner have equal rights to express yourselves or have your own opinions, you will never be truly happy. A relationship in which you cannot honestly speak your mind will never be a happy one. The truth is that if you don’t want to hear your partner’s position, you don’t want a real relationship.

Be mindful of the following:

•People usually have different perspectives or opinions of the same event.

•You have the right to your opinions and experiences of life. And, of course, you have the right to share your views and speak your mind.

•Nobody’s experience of life is the only right experience, ever. You are both always right, because you both experience life in a way that is right for you.

•If you fight to be right, you will both always be wrong, and ‘lose’.

•You need to respect each other’s different views. You don’t have to agree or like what you hear, but you have to try your best to show interest in and understand each other’s views.

•If you are not interested in seeing and understanding your partner’s views, you do not respect him or her, because how you see and experience life is a reflection of your identity.

•Your past relationships, you parents’ relationship, how much you slept last night and what you had for breakfast can determine how you view an event. Why can you not simply accept that you have different views about life and that you do not always need to be right?

•You are not a reaction to your partner’s reactions. His or her damaging behaviour doesn’t give you the right to do damage as well. You are responsible for your own reactions, not your partner’s.

•No matter how your partner behaves, you always have a responsibility to keep it calm, gentle and respectful.

•Speak for yourself. Avoid using sentences that start with ‘you’; rather speak for yourself with ‘I’ statements.

•Most couples fight about how they speak to each other, forgetting about what they started fighting about. The way in which you speak your mind often overshadows what you are speaking about.

•The aim of an adult-to-adult conversation is to show interest in and understanding of each other’s experiences of life. Interest is your first step; real understanding comes with practice.

Questions to ask about your relationship

•How can we remind each other that we are both always right?

•How can we support each other to hear our different views?

•What can we do to support each other when we start fighting because we think we are right?

It is because we are so beautifully different that we have to learn one of life’s most important skills: how to disagree.