Читать книгу The Truth about Relationships - Stefan Blom - Страница 27

Put the topic on the shelf

This skill of not speaking when you feel or think something, but rather when you are ready, is called putting a conversation on the shelf or having a timeout. It involves putting the conversation to one side and picking it up later when you both feel prepared and calm enough to speak about it respectfully.

When you put a topic on the shelf because you are too upset, it is best to not leave it there for more than 24 to 48 hours. Often, it becomes too painful to wait any longer to speak, which becomes disrespectful to each other and your relationship. Your promise to each other is that you will pick up the conversation within the next day or two. The sooner you are ready to talk, the better.

Two practical skills really help couples to put a topic on the shelf. The first is putting a glass jar somewhere visible in your home, and dropping topics for conversation into it as they come up. In this way, you can see when a topic has come up for discussion, which you will need to speak about within the next day or two. Anything from household issues to deeper emotional points can be stored in the jar for picking up later.

The second is stating when you need to put a topic on the shelf or use a timeout – specifying, in that moment of upset, when would be good to talk. You could say, for example, ‘I don’t feel like talking now, but can we speak tomorrow morning at breakfast?’ or ‘I would love to hear what you have to say, but not now. Can we speak about it tonight?’ Each couple must find their own way of doing this. The skill of putting a conversation on the shelf can save your relationship a great deal of exhausting and damaging talking.

If you don’t like the idea of a jar for topics, you can simply indicate your need for talking by asking, ‘When can we talk?’ or, ‘I need to speak to you’ or, ‘When would be a good time for us to sit down and talk?’ Finding the courage to indicate that you need to talk needs to be respected and honoured with the best, most honest conversation you can have.

This is not a skill that you use to avoid conversations. It is a tool for protecting your relationship. It is an essential skill for stopping the damage in a moment of upset and a tool you use for taking better care of your relationship and each other.

The person who calls for a timeout is trying to protect your relationship, because – for whatever reason – the way in which you are speaking is too damaging or upsetting for him or her. You have the right to protect you relationship. The golden rule of the timeout is that the person who puts the conversation on the shelf is responsible for picking it up again within the next day or two.

If your partner indicated the need to talk and you called for a timeout, it is your responsibility to pay attention to the topic and give it the time it deserves. It is disrespectful to ignore what matters to your loved ones; doing so can even be seen as a lack of commitment, respect and love.

Questions to ask about your relationship

•What would be the best way, in our relationship, to put a topic on the shelf?

•What would we prefer to say to each other when we want to put a conversation on the shelf?

•Which ways of putting a conversation on the shelf would not work for our relationship? Why?