Читать книгу The Complete Parenting Collection - Steve Biddulph, Steve Biddulph - Страница 15

What we are about to tell you next might cause distress to some parents. There are past readers of this book who have stopped reading right here, angry and confused. But the job of a psychologist is to tell you the facts, so here goes. If at all possible, a boy should be cared for by his parents or a close relative (apart from the occasional trusted babysitter) until about age three. Group care of the institutional kind does not suit a boy’s nature below this age. This doesn’t mean that boys put into long daycare at six months will all become psychopaths, but it does mean that they will be more at risk. And, thanks to a number of large-scale studies around the world we know that this ‘risk’ can take three forms. Firstly, increased misbehaviour, especially in the form of aggression and disobedience. Secondly, anxiety – to a degree that might even harm development (this is measured by using stress-hormone tests). And thirdly, their relationship with you may be weakened: studies have shown that boys are more prone than girls to separation anxiety and to becoming emotionally shut down as a result of feeling abandoned. They seem less able to hold in their minds that Mum (or Dad) loves them, and is coming back. Also, a boy of this age may deal with his anxiety by becoming chronically restless or aggressive. Experienced daycare staff talk about the ‘sad/angry boy syndrome’ – a little boy who feels abandoned and anxious, and converts that into hitting and hurting behaviour. He may carry this behaviour into school and later life.

But daycare isn’t all bad news. Good daycare or, even better, a preschool with trained teachers can certainly play its part when children are older or when parents need to work to survive. But you need to know the facts so as to make a balanced decision. Daycare is a pretty second-rate place for toddlers, it’s positively deficient for babies, and some children are really harmed by it in ways that are hard to see on the surface.

If the above is depressing news for you to read, we agree. The corporatised world is not kind to parents. Paid parental leave is really what parents need, and more and more countries are adopting it. Flexible work and guaranteed time off are being found to be helpful all around the world. But we always have some choices and some trade-offs we can make. If you can avoid or minimise daycare for your boy under three, you will never regret it.

The process keeps going right into little-boyhood. A mother shows delight when her child catches frogs or makes mud pies, and admires his achievements. His father tickles him and play-wrestles with him, and is also gentle and nurturing, reading stories and comforting him when he is sick. The little boy learns that men are kind as well as exciting, that dads read books and are capable in the home; and that mothers are kind but also practical, and part of the bigger world.