Читать книгу The Complete Parenting Collection - Steve Biddulph, Steve Biddulph - Страница 19

For thousands of years, single mothers have needed to raise boys without a man in the house. And more often than not, these boys have turned out just great.

Over the years I have interviewed mothers who did this, to find out their secret. Successful single mothers of sons always give the same advice. Firstly, they found good male role models, calling in help from uncles, good friends, schoolteachers, sports coaches, youth leaders and so on (choosing with care to guard against the risk of sexual abuse). A boy needs to ‘know what a good man looks like’. If caring men are involved enough, and over a sufficiently long period of time, this provides that one missing thing a mother can’t give – a male example to copy. If there are one or two good men who know and care about your son, it makes a huge difference. Single mums can also comfort themselves that, after all, many boys with dads only see them for basically a few minutes a day. Whatever you do, don’t marry some deadbeat just so your son can have a man in the house!

Part of the survival kit of single mothers is the network(s) of good men in their community. If you are a dad, your son will certainly have friends who don’t have a dad present or whose dad is not very involved. Think about inviting that boy when you plan a trip to a concert, the beach, a sports game or a weekend away with your own son. His mum will be so appreciative, though she would never have asked for this, not wanting to impose. (She may be a little cautious, so perhaps don’t start with a rugged nine-day wilderness trek.)

Single parents need to be networked: being involved in a church, sporting group, extended family, or neighbourhood where kids are loved and valued is a natural way to provide other good adult role models and people to ‘bounce off’, especially in adolescence.

There’s one more thing. All the successful single parents I’ve known also recognised they needed to be kind to themselves, and not become long-suffering martyrs. (Martyrdom is like yoghurt: it has a shelf life of maybe two weeks, then it tends to go kind of sour!). Single parents who did well planned into their lives a massage, a game of racquetball, a yoga class, or just time vegging out watching TV when all were asleep – and they kept this commitment to their own wellbeing. (For more help on single parenting, see here)